ava123 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 hi everyone I just want to know if there are people out there that have dealt with a narcisist partner and how did the relationship go from beginning to d'day. I was reading up on this a bit but I would like to hear from real peoples experience it and how did they brake up with the narcisist?
KathyM Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 To be diagnosed as a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they have to have five or more of the following: 1. Believes they are special or unique and should only associate with others who are special or unique. 2. Envies others and believes others are envious of them. 3. Does not have empathy for others. 4. Is arrogant or haughty in behavior or attitude. 5. Excessive need for admiration. 6. Exploits others. 7. Has grandiose ideas of their own talents or accomplishments (exaggerates their attributes). 8. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, beauty, power, brillance, or ideal love. 9. Has a sense of entitlement. A person has to have at least five of these traits to be diagnosed with NPD. 2
Radagast Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 To be diagnosed as a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they have to have five or more of the following: 1. Believes they are special or unique and should only associate with others who are special or unique. 2. Envies others and believes others are envious of them. 3. Does not have empathy for others. 4. Is arrogant or haughty in behavior or attitude. 5. Excessive need for admiration. 6. Exploits others. 7. Has grandiose ideas of their own talents or accomplishments (exaggerates their attributes). 8. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, beauty, power, brillance, or ideal love. 9. Has a sense of entitlement. A person has to have at least five of these traits to be diagnosed with NPD. Meet my ex-wife. 2
findingnemo Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 My husband...oh wow, he is a classic narcissist. A very handsome, charming, intelligent man, he can convince you of anything he wants. He was my first love when I was a teenager and I admired his grasp of economics, world issues, his mind. When I married him, I believed that we would be partners and build a fortune together. We both were business people and seemed to share the same values with regards to family. I discovered 10 days after the wedding that a man I'd known for over 15 years had a hidden side to him. Any disagreement from me translated into me not believing in him, me not supporting him as a proper wife should and eventually into me being the most likely way his enemies would get to him. The person he loved most, according to him, was the weakest link. I wish I'd taken him seriously at that point. I thought it was weird but brushed the behaviour aside. We disagreed more and more because he felt he was on his way to achieve a huge dream - would make us, our kids and future generations of our family rich. He sank more money and time into it while my income was used to run our home. He declared older and richer men his enemies and got into a war of words with them often. This was embarrassing to me personally since I knew most of them and they were friends of my parents. He became paranoid thinking that X was out to get him, Y was plotting his downfall and Z had paid off people to stop his grandiose projects. I eventually started telling him I thought he was psychotic...and I really did. There were two men living in my home. One was a normal person and the other was a psycho. Then there were the As. When discovered he acted like it wasn't a big deal. He comes home to me every night so what's the problem? I only got through to him when I told him that his sons would grow up to be like him, wasting time with women instead of using their energy constructively. I explained that if I divorced him then our dreams to be wealthy would come to nothing all because he was sleeping around. He didn't want to be seen as a failure by his peers and very seriously stopped cheating. Eventually it's the violence that ended the M. My love for him at that point was gone but I'd stayed for the sake of the kids. The last episode of violence convinced me that not only did my H have a mental problem, he was likely to kill me if I stayed. It was the things he said to me while being violent. The gist was that he was too good for me, too good for everybody actually. No one understood him just like they never understood Einstein, Da Vinci, Copernicus and other geniuses. I was incapable of loving him properly and he was determined to teach me how even if it killed me. Talk about narcissism! Today he denies ever hitting me, ever doing the various terrible things he did. He claims it's all in my head and that I'm a drama queen. He still declares the most accomplished men we know his arch enemies. Slowly people are beginning to believe my side of the story. At first only my family and friends did while he spread vicious rumors about how I cheated and he threw me out. Those who don't know him still fall under his spell. Being married to me legally works wonders for him because of the kind of family I'm from. So he won't give me a D. To make matters worse now, one of his grandiose projects is coming to fruition...and he shall not only be a major asshat but a rich one too. I'm so glad I left... It was only after leaving and trying to understand what had happened to this man that I discovered that he has a form of BPD and is a narcissist. The experience was horrible and it ended very badly. 1
findingnemo Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 My first husband was a narcissist. Counselor suspected NPD, but in typical fashion, exH didn't stay in counseling long enough for confirmation, nor help. He was charming, extremely charming, right off the bat. It took a few months for the facade to break down and me to see who he really was. Well, actually it took me years to know who he REALLY was, but I was seeing holes. By that time, he had me so protective of him and willing to help (based on stories of abuse and living a life without love) that I was willing to go the distance. In short, the marriage, although there were some good times, was mostly full of abuse...emotional, sometimes physcial, tons of verbal. He cheated on me. Confirmed once but suspected many, many times throughout the course of our relationship. He had a way of making me think everything was my fault, so I twisted and turned, got counseling, went on meds, and did everything I could to be who he said I should in order to stop the abuse, because "my actions made him do it". It was a pretty f**ked up cycle, and I definitely played my part in it. I've learned a lot since then and worked hard of my self esteem and sense of self, and boundaries! He was selfish, very fake, and cheap as the day is long, unless it was something HE wanted...and even then he'd try to find a way to make me pay some if not all of it. When you first met him, you'd think he had a great sense of humor. It was over time that I realized that his jokes were all borrowed lines from TV shows, and they were repeated and recycled over the years. I'd finally heard them all over and over, but he'd happily retell them all to new people. It was fairly robotic at that point, and almost like it was all from a script. After our divorce, he abandoned our daughter after a few years. Sporadic contact and attention for her before that. I really resent him for breaking her heart, but know that complete abandonment was preferable to him heaping his abuse onto her throughout her life. It was probably his gift to her, and the closest he'll ever come to truly loving someone. I guess that says something for him, albeit, not much and certainly not in a sane light. I broke up with him (filed for divorce after ten years) after he physically abused me in front of our daughter (14 months old at the time). It was ugly and he drug the divorce out for a year until I finally out-manuevered him and got it done. OMG... This sounds just like my H except for the cheap part. Mine is the opposite and will buy you diamonds if that's what it takes. He'd charm his way into getting my forgiveness. Abuse followed by huge displays of love. I'm so sorry you went through 10 years of that. My M lasted barely 3 years by which time I had gone through periods of thinking it was I who was a bit crazy. Fortunately for me I started my own business and ended up doing well. I also have a very supportive family.
findingnemo Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 To be diagnosed as a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they have to have five or more of the following: 1. Believes they are special or unique and should only associate with others who are special or unique. 2. Envies others and believes others are envious of them. 3. Does not have empathy for others. 4. Is arrogant or haughty in behavior or attitude. 5. Excessive need for admiration. 6. Exploits others. 7. Has grandiose ideas of their own talents or accomplishments (exaggerates their attributes). 8. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, beauty, power, brillance, or ideal love. 9. Has a sense of entitlement. A person has to have at least five of these traits to be diagnosed with NPD. I hope that this isn't something that can be passed genetically? Because my H has ALL of the traits above.
Author ava123 Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Does a narcissist start a relationship with someone new while still living with his partner?
Lostinlife4now Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 To be diagnosed as a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they have to have five or more of the following: 1. Believes they are special or unique and should only associate with others who are special or unique. 2. Envies others and believes others are envious of them. 3. Does not have empathy for others. 4. Is arrogant or haughty in behavior or attitude. 5. Excessive need for admiration. 6. Exploits others. 7. Has grandiose ideas of their own talents or accomplishments (exaggerates their attributes). 8. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, beauty, power, brillance, or ideal love. 9. Has a sense of entitlement. A person has to have at least five of these traits to be diagnosed with NPD. Meet the xMM!!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Does a narcissist start a relationship with someone new while still living with his partner? Yes, but one doesn't have to be a narcissist to do that either. They can just be extremely selfish and an a-hole. 2
SandieBeach Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 My husband...oh wow, he is a classic narcissist. A very handsome, charming, intelligent man, he can convince you of anything he wants. He was my first love when I was a teenager and I admired his grasp of economics, world issues, his mind. When I married him, I believed that we would be partners and build a fortune together. We both were business people and seemed to share the same values with regards to family. I discovered 10 days after the wedding that a man I'd known for over 15 years had a hidden side to him. Any disagreement from me translated into me not believing in him, me not supporting him as a proper wife should and eventually into me being the most likely way his enemies would get to him. The person he loved most, according to him, was the weakest link. I wish I'd taken him seriously at that point. I thought it was weird but brushed the behaviour aside. We disagreed more and more because he felt he was on his way to achieve a huge dream - would make us, our kids and future generations of our family rich. He sank more money and time into it while my income was used to run our home. He declared older and richer men his enemies and got into a war of words with them often. This was embarrassing to me personally since I knew most of them and they were friends of my parents. He became paranoid thinking that X was out to get him, Y was plotting his downfall and Z had paid off people to stop his grandiose projects. I eventually started telling him I thought he was psychotic...and I really did. There were two men living in my home. One was a normal person and the other was a psycho. Then there were the As. When discovered he acted like it wasn't a big deal. He comes home to me every night so what's the problem? I only got through to him when I told him that his sons would grow up to be like him, wasting time with women instead of using their energy constructively. I explained that if I divorced him then our dreams to be wealthy would come to nothing all because he was sleeping around. He didn't want to be seen as a failure by his peers and very seriously stopped cheating. Eventually it's the violence that ended the M. My love for him at that point was gone but I'd stayed for the sake of the kids. The last episode of violence convinced me that not only did my H have a mental problem, he was likely to kill me if I stayed. It was the things he said to me while being violent. The gist was that he was too good for me, too good for everybody actually. No one understood him just like they never understood Einstein, Da Vinci, Copernicus and other geniuses. I was incapable of loving him properly and he was determined to teach me how even if it killed me. Talk about narcissism! Today he denies ever hitting me, ever doing the various terrible things he did. He claims it's all in my head and that I'm a drama queen. He still declares the most accomplished men we know his arch enemies. Slowly people are beginning to believe my side of the story. At first only my family and friends did while he spread vicious rumors about how I cheated and he threw me out. Those who don't know him still fall under his spell. Being married to me legally works wonders for him because of the kind of family I'm from. So he won't give me a D. To make matters worse now, one of his grandiose projects is coming to fruition...and he shall not only be a major asshat but a rich one too. I'm so glad I left... It was only after leaving and trying to understand what had happened to this man that I discovered that he has a form of BPD and is a narcissist. The experience was horrible and it ended very badly. Oh wow, Nemo. I am so sorry you had to go through that!
Radagast Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Does a narcissist start a relationship with someone new while still living with his partner? or "her partner", as in the case of my ex-wife. It has been known to happen. Yes.
findingnemo Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Oh wow, Nemo. I am so sorry you had to go through that! Thanks, Sandie. I'm free of all that now.
findingnemo Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Does a narcissist start a relationship with someone new while still living with his partner? Do they cheat? Yes they do and they are the best liars in the world. I think it's because they actually believe whatever they are saying and see everybody else as a pawn in a game.
Lois Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 My (STBX) husband displays all the traits of being a narcissist and for 12 years living with the emotional and verbal abuse, the lies and the manipulation has been nothing short of hell - with of course, some wonderful times thrown in - just enough to make me doubt what was really happening. And now of course, he denies all of the rotten things he's done. I am a little 1950s- ish as far as home making goes but I thought and still think that coming home to a clean house and a delicious meal was what he/men wanted. But no, nothing I ever did was good enough. I thought: "If I just try harder, he'll be happy. If I work harder, he'll be happy. If I have the baby he wants, he'll be happy." Hell, I used to rub the basstids feet every night ... how pathetic. I did all of those things and more and none of it mattered. ... if only I had known what I was dealing with. For the love of all that is Holy, do not get involved with a narc. They will suck you dry and spit you out without a shred of remorse for the hell they create. 3
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 To be diagnosed as a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they have to have five or more of the following: 1. Believes they are special or unique and should only associate with others who are special or unique. 2. Envies others and believes others are envious of them. 3. Does not have empathy for others. 4. Is arrogant or haughty in behavior or attitude. 5. Excessive need for admiration. 6. Exploits others. 7. Has grandiose ideas of their own talents or accomplishments (exaggerates their attributes). 8. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, beauty, power, brillance, or ideal love. 9. Has a sense of entitlement. A person has to have at least five of these traits to be diagnosed with NPD. I can think of two men I've known like that, a former boss and a sensei my W used to study under. The sensei was pretty much a criminal...my boss...well he did some things that were legal...but felt criminal and flat out immoral. I can honestly say my wife is not a narcissist, though I think she's done some pretty selfish things. Good to know. Thanks for the guidelines.
freestyle Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Yep---I had one of those relationships, too. When I look back, and realize how much crap I put up with, it boggles my mind. I had a boyfriend in college who was the life-of-the-party, had to be the center of attention , at all costs. He was also convinced he was much smarter than everyone else around him. He cheated on me twice that I knew of, & there were probably a few more that I wasn't aware of.He would call me stupid, criticize me constantly, and put me down to lift himself up. He was never physically abusive (I think he knew I'd fight back if he tried that) but there was definitely emotional/verbal abuse. I was too young to have the understanding of how to deal with that, or the vocabulary to explain it. When I finally did dump him, he launched a horrific smear/slander campaign against me.Years later, I've learned that's a very common tactic used by people with NPD. 1
findingnemo Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 The problem is that we never really know about NPD until we are dealing with it. Now I judge all men based on my H. I watch for signs of craziness because there's nothing that scares me more. A simple lie or what looks like an untruth makes me run the other way. Sometimes I think I'm being over-sensitive but most times I just don't want to go there again. Get out of the R NOW. I read somewhere once that NPDs cause so much emotional turmoil that even a therapist isn't immune to suffering the consequences. Imagine that.
Author ava123 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 well I got the guts yesterday to tell him its over and that I know about the other girl. I went to slept at a friend house. I didn't tell him face to face cause I knew I will just brake down infront of him ... I wrote him a letter. well he sent me a mail saing that there is no one and that if there was he would have told me. He say the only thing he is guilty of is the he has been growing apart from this relationship. He go on saying that i just want to stay in this one job and don' t want to move on with my life. like I almost just want to be stuck in one place..... and he will move out by the end of the weekend. I feel now so lost and I'm thinking it was a mistake I gave him the letter. But I saw emails between him and her and I know he told her he loves her and I know they slept together. I feel floored at the moment???
Author ava123 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 this relationship with her has been going on for 5 months and I even found mails she sent him where they are looking for a flat to rent. He is so nice to her and he are so cold with me at home. I'm starting to think today I never should have given him the letter but I just couldn't live a day longer that he is sleeping with someone els. After 13years together....???
findingnemo Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 this relationship with her has been going on for 5 months and I even found mails she sent him where they are looking for a flat to rent. He is so nice to her and he are so cold with me at home. I'm starting to think today I never should have given him the letter but I just couldn't live a day longer that he is sleeping with someone els. After 13years together....??? I'm so sorry, Ava. It's good you sent him the letter. I know how difficult it is to confront a person like that. He was actively planning on ditching you and yet he puts the blame on you, talking about a job? What's the relevance? I can't see the connection frankly. My H used to do that with me too. When I brought up our issues, he would say that I'm not asserting myself at my business and that this weakness in me is what makes both of us unhappy. Sounds like what's being said to you. Trust me, it's all bull shyte. Deflection. {{{{Hugs, Ava}}}}
Author ava123 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 findingnemo ......... how did you do it. I feel like I'm falling apart at this moment. I'm staying with a friend at the moment ... do you think I should go talk to him tonight or should I just wait till he moves out this weekend and don't say goodbye?
Author ava123 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 do you think I should say bye or just let him go. I know he will treat me cold. but I feel after that long time together it would be good manners. I'm so confused
shayla Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I would not say anything else to him, especially not alone. Men like this can manipulate so well, he will have you believing that everything is all your fault and he is a wonderful guy! Nothing is more confusing, more painful, and will make you crazier than a person playing the games these people play. It may hurt now, but you will not believe the peace of mind you will feel after you are no longer under the influence of this liar, cheater, and mind gamer. Good luck. 2
Lois Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 do you think I should say bye or just let him go. I know he will treat me cold. but I feel after that long time together it would be good manners. I'm so confused Please, for your own well-being, let him go. Good manners don't mean much to a narcissist and anything you say or do will be used against you. Good luck. 2
Author ava123 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Shayla... also I want to know will he do the same to this new girl cause at the moment he is treating he so so so good. The mail he sent her is so full of love and care. What if it was just me that brought that bad side out of him.(he doesn't know I've seen this mailS)
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