IWantTheTruth Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) Little background: My wife and I are in our late 20's, she's 11 months older than I. We've been married for 7 years now (I was 20 going on 21, she was 21). She was a virgin, (I believe her, she was very nervous and it hurt her the first couple of times). I was NOT a virgin before I met her, lost it at 14, slept with a 33 year old woman when I was 16, and had sex with about 6 other women after that before I met my wife. She comes from a VERY religious Christian household, her parents are all about religion. She didn't really have a chance to date since she was a bit of an ugly duckling (who blossomed around the time I met her) and her mother (wears the pants in the house) was VERY over protective of her, such that our relationship was a secret that was subsequently discovered. Her mom was pissed, she ended up leaving the house, and moving in with me. During the first 5 years of our marriage, I was convinced she was nuts about me, she showed it, was always telling me how much she loved me, etc. We had our daughter at year 5. I was madly in love with her in the first couple of years, then (I dont know why) I thought I didnt love her and felt like I was in an unhappy marriage. I ADMIT I WAS A JERK TO HER DURING YEARS 3-4.5 OF OUR MARRIAGE. I AM ASHAMED OF IT, I REGRET IT, I HAVE TOLD HER THIS. Well, since our daughter was born, I kinda started feeling like I loved her again and was (still am) in love with my family. Before I found about the following, I had total and complete trust that she would NEVER cheat on me. I was certain she was a good girl as she would not want to disappoint her parents like that, and she was incapable of cheating. So back around May of last year, I had been working on a job that usually was far enough away from home where I stay a few days in a motel (the company would pay for it). We would talk on the phone, I would miss them, and a couple times I just said "**** the gas, Im going home to see my family". I took her out for her birthday, everything was super fine and dandy (I thought). She had been working out with her sister and they had been loosing weight (I never cared that my wife had an extra 10-15 lbs on her, but she was looking hot now). Then once, I was off for a couple of days and was home. She had plans to go with her sister to one of their female friend's college graduation about 50 miles away. She kissed me goodbye, looked good, left our daughter at her mom's (so did her sister-left her kids) and I didnt think much of it. Then, an hour later, she texts me a pic of her in a skirt and says "look, I spilled coffee on my jeans so I had to change into a skirt. You like?" I replied "yes, but what do you mean you spilled coffee and you just happened to have a skirt on you?" She knew then that i knew she had intended to wear the skirt all along, and I had a problem with it. I think "that's weird", and the next couple of days go by. I cant shake the feeling that something is up. I look at the picture again (she looks hot it in it) and notice she wasnt wearing her wedding ring. This was at midnight, she was sleeping, i couldnt sleep. I woke her up and brought this to her attention, as well as the issue with the skirt. She assured me that im the only one for her, she only love me, (but it doesnt feel right). Next few days go on, we go out for lunch, come back home, our daughter falls asleep for a nap, we have sex, i dose off. She's laying next to me, I am somewhat awakened and see she's on her phone. Her phone rings, and she jumps up, says "go back to sleep, its my sister". I pretend to go back to sleep, she goes out to the living room, I quietly stand in the hallway and listen in. Shes talking to some guy, kind of suggestively. He said something like "you suck" or "youre a bad girl ;)" and she says sarcastically and suggestively "me? noooo, my mom raised me right This whole time, I cannot believe my ears. I then walk up to her casually and she says "can I help you?" and i hear him say "who is that? your other boyfriend?" she says "no, its my husband. how many kids do you have? let me call you back". Im speechless giving her this look like "WTF was that" and she says its her girlfriend's ex husband, friend from HS, just friends, nothing's going on". I tell her "bull****, i ****ing heard you, now tell me what the **** is going on". She insists "nothing", I get angry and leave the house. I look up our phone records, and see this number on there like several hundred times in the last month, calls, texts, media mssgs. I go to her sisters house, shes blowing up my phone, i dont answer. Her sister tells me " i told her to stop talking to this guy. he's a friend from hs and theyve been flirting over the phone". I go back home and tell her "I cant believe you, there are all these messages and pictures and video of you playing with your pussy, and pictures of his dick" she initially denies and then gives in and admits to it all. Shes crying, she says i pushed her away, i tell her to tell me everything. It turns out they met playing online poker, he's in the military, divorced, in the east coast, from the midwest, we're on the west coast, she said she was a single mom, he was flirting with her, he asked her for a pic, she sent one, he said "no, a sexy pic", she sent them, and they had a sexual long distance relationship going. I talked to him, he told me more or less the above, and assured me there had been no physical contact as he's 3,000 miles away, has never been out here, just been over the phone. She had told me she was going to stop talking to him, we had great makeup sex when i found out, i told her if she didnt want to be with me anymore, all she had to do was say the word and shed be free to see whoever she wanted. She said she wanted me, our famly, she wasnt going to talk to him anymore. 2-3 days later, we're on our way to a party, shes driving, i grab her phone and she becomes very defensive and says "just throw the phone out the window, i dont want it anymore". i look and she had added this guy as a friend again on the poker app, after we had made up and she said she wasnt going to talk to him anymore. I lost it, I called her mom and told her what happened, called my mom too. We decide not to go to the party, head over to her parents house instead and her mom is majorly disappointed and heartbroken. I tell them that we are getting divorced, and not paying for her phone or other bills anymore. Her mom asks if I can forgive her and tells her how much she is disappointed. We go home, Im pissed, but keep my distance from her. At night, she starts telling me how much she's sorry, she hates herself, and she made the stupidest mistake of her life, and doesnt want to lose me. Deep down, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR, BECAUSE I LOVE HER AND MY DAUGHTER, AND WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE RAISED BY BOTH HER PARENTS. I give in, agree to forgive her, and tell her she will have not have another chance and to be CERTAIN this is what she wants, as if she wants to go, she's free to go. She says yes, and agrees to let me check her phone whenever i want. The first few months, we're better, but im still paranoid and have dreams of her cheating on me. When shes on her phone, i wonder what it is shes doing, and after a while, she gets really annoyed every time i ask what shes doing or who shes talking to. Later, her and her two younger sisters (one is 3 years younger, married, with two kids, the other is 15) plan to go to the midnight release of the twilight movie in town. She tells me theyre going and i tell her that it bothers me she didnt even bother to check how i felt about, and that its very inconsiderate. She gets defensive and says shes allowed to go out with her sisters to the movies, regardless of the time, and that im just paranoid, never gonna forget what happened and let it go, and shes going. I stop fighting it and decide im going to leave a voice recorder in the car. She goes to the movies, i can track her iphone (i had been and still do periodically, she knows), and the next day, i listen to the voice recorder. From what I can tell, they were telling the truth and it was just them. They were talking about the movie, and really nothing more, no other voices on the recording. She had talked to the guy once after i found out, which was when i told her mom about it all. About a month later, we get into an argument over how "me checking on her is annoying", I say "fine, we're done, dont have to worry about it anymore". I unrestrict her phone (i had disabled deleting apps so she couldnt get back on it) and give her the guys number again (with a few changed digits). I made dinner plans with a female friend from school I was attracted to, but cancelled when my wife called me and told me she didnt want to lose me, to come home now because she misses me. I tell he about my plans with my friend and she is shocked (she always suspected we had a thing going on because we would study a lot and hang out with a mutual guy friend, we didnt never did anything however), and this was before she started with that other guy. I tell her im going to cancel the plans with Brigette and that i want HER (my wife). I go back, and later found out she had downloaded a third party texting app, and sent the guy (wrond # i gave her) a text saying "hey u how r u". Apparently, she regretted it at some point and that is when she called me to come back home and i told her i would cancel my plans with brigette. From all my checking up on her, I havent really found anything since, she swears she hasnt done anything inappropriate since, and attest that she has NEVER cheated on me. Ive even watched her eyes, face, and body language as i ask her, ive asked her several times in the last nine months, and sometimes even after we've put our daughter to sleep and have a few drinks (usually people speak the truth more freely under the influence of alcohol). She's either telling me the truth, or she's a very good liar and very sneaky and able to hide things with her sister's help. I dont trust her sister as she always thinks of herself and tries to portray herself as a "holy roller", yet when i first found out about my wife's cyber affair and was digging (i was determined to see just how deep the rabbit hole went), i found out she herself had been flirting with guys on facebook (her husbands always working), and so i fear that when they get together, they can be up to no good. They're always talking about how this actor is really handsome, she didnt really get to date either (controlling mom) and left the house with her (now) husband. I also found out that they had gone to get psychic readings on two occasions (hows that for supposedly religious girls?) So because of all of this, I cant trust her, shes annoyed that i may never trust her again. I have a very active sex drive and have always wanted it every day. About a month or two ago, she tells me that she enjoys it more when we dont do it all the time, but she gives it to me anyway, after she voices her objection. Ive tried to be considerate of this and give her "nights off", and deal with it on my own. Sometimes she's horny, and last week, she was horny for a good thee days in a row. I was happy about it, but suspicious as well. I know if she were cheating, she probably wouldnt want sex from me, UNLESS SHE WAS DOING IT BECAUSE OF GUILT. And that's what brings me here to tell this story that ive never told anyone other than her parents and mine. None of our closest friends know, I dont want them to know. I tried mobile spy when i first found out 9 months ago, but it really slowed her phone down and it didnt work like it was supposed to, so i reset her phone, thus uninstalling it. I used to tell her that i could not understand how she could "not be in the mood", yet her cyber relationship with this other guy was VERY SEXUAL in nature and they seemed to be sending pics back and forth everyday. She would also send him pics of her in lingerie and her vagina, and videos of her masturbating. If i could find a way to track her text messages (even if they get deleted) and what they say, I could either know for sure if shes doing/has done something shes not supposed to (in which case id go on to the next step), or verify that shes being honest and i could realize i can start trusting her again. I really want to trust her again, it sucks always wondering what shes doing and if shes telling the truth. She's started working out with her sister again, and we know that a spouse being suddenly concerned with their appearance could be a red flag. She still gets "annoyed" when i want to check on her phone, she hands it over, and i dont find anything incriminating. I now check it much less frequently, but cant shake that gut feeling i had before i found out. I just want the truth, and know for sure it is the truth. What say you? Edited March 25, 2012 by IWantTheTruth
Kidd Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Three quick thoughts: (1) Keep using the VAR; her defensiveness over her phone is very troubling. She should be happy to have the opportunity to prove herself to you. (2) She could have a pre-paid cell phone hidden somewhere (like in her car). She's not likely to use her regular phone again. (3) Ever thought of sending her sexual texts and pics? Forget about your own sexual satisfaction for a while and feed her needs. Either the affair is continuing underground or she is now truthful. Find out.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) Three quick thoughts: (1) Keep using the VAR; her defensiveness over her phone is very troubling. She should be happy to have the opportunity to prove herself to you. (2) She could have a pre-paid cell phone hidden somewhere (like in her car). She's not likely to use her regular phone again. (3) Ever thought of sending her sexual texts and pics? Forget about your own sexual satisfaction for a while and feed her needs. Either the affair is continuing underground or she is now truthful. Find out. What is VAR? I tell her that her defensiveness is suspicious as that is how she got when I initially found out. She says it gets annoying and that I'm just insecure, and that it bothers here because she's now innocent. I agree she should be willing to do this, among other things, without having to make a big fuss out of it. I've been thinking about searching her car to look for stuff, like a change of clothes, or now that you bring it up, another cell phone. Mostly I've been sending her texts that let her know im thinking of her and that I love her, she sends me them too. I'll try making them a little sexual in nature. Edited March 25, 2012 by IWantTheTruth
standtall Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 She has given you enough reasons already to be suspicious. Keep checking, but without her knowing.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 She has given you enough reasons already to be suspicious. Keep checking, but without her knowing. there was another thread (wfback's thread) where he said he hacked his wife's iphone and recovered deleted messages. Does anyone know how to do this? I have tried using sqlite to browse the iphone data via pc, dont think it recovered deleted messages. Most of the google results talk about recovering from a backup. Although, I did see "undelete sms" through cydia. I figure maybe i could recover my iphone from her last back up, jailbreak, install and try it out. Im curious as to how the other guy went about it. As mentioned, I tried mobile spy for a bit at first, but it sucked. Even if she does have another phone, I figure i can come across some text or something where she's talking about it to her sister.
Kidd Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 What is VAR? I tell her that her defensiveness is suspicious as that is how she got when I initially found out. She says it gets annoying and that I'm just insecure, and that it bothers here because she's now innocent. I agree she should be willing to do this, among other things, without having to make a big fuss out of it. I've been thinking about searching her car to look for stuff, like a change of clothes, or now that you bring it up, another cell phone. Mostly I've been sending her texts that let her know im thinking of her and that I love her, she sends me them too. I'll try making them a little sexual in nature. Voice Activated Recorder
Kidd Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Get two books and ask her to read them: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair Not Just Friends The first one is an easy, quick read. The second is the best out there. 1
Author IWantTheTruth Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 Voice Activated Recorder Thanks. Get two books and ask her to read them: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair Not Just Friends The first one is an easy, quick read. The second is the best out there. Thanks for the suggestions, I will.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Get two books and ask her to read them: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair Not Just Friends The first one is an easy, quick read. The second is the best out there. My wife has been reading the hunger games book. I told her I wanted her to read two books that can help us with our marriage, it put a smile on her face and she said "yes". Thanks for the suggestions. I downloaded a free pc program called Textpad. Used the search feature to find in files. Search for a word of your choosing, something like "you" if you want to find as much possible. File type should be wild carded. *.* Search in the iTunes backup folder, it's location will vary depending which operating syst you use but find app data/apple computer/mobile/roaming/backup. Or similar.... After you press search. It looks through every file and can find deleted text contents. I was amazed how much it found. I couldn't figure out any dates info as the text messages were accompanied by loads of numbers which I figure are date/time info but I don't know the formatting as its odd. Hope this helps Thanks for the info. I searched and found a bunch of the texts she had with the guy. Not a lot were sexual. I'm sure there were some, and the sexual stuff was probably over the phone too, and the pictures are worth thousands of words. I did see something between her and her sister talking about text one. I'm gonna keep searching to see if I can find out more. Thanks again.
2sunny Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 As long as she is still communicating with the OM - there is no way to start any healing. She's choosing him every time she reaches out to him. Her behavior is way over the line. Why are you continuing to take her back when she intends to show this guy her privates? Since YOU aren't her top priority - she's still involved with him.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 (edited) As long as she is still communicating with the OM - there is no way to start any healing. She's choosing him every time she reaches out to him. Her behavior is way over the line. Why are you continuing to take her back when she intends to show this guy her privates? Since YOU aren't her top priority - she's still involved with him. I apologize, perhaps I wasnt clear enough in that post, but those messages I was referencing were from back when that was going on (and they had been deleted). I know because she was telling him she was also going to her girlfriend's graduation, which was at that point in time. As best I can tell, she hasn't communicated with him in the last 8 months or so. Also, its a really old backup, I just wanted to start back at that point in time and work my way forward to the present. Edited March 26, 2012 by IWantTheTruth
Almond_Joy Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Sorry, but it seems like the only reason she stopped is because you told her mom/family. To me, that translates as her not really caring that she hurt you and betrayed the loyalty of your marriage. Also, she is in NO position to be defensive or call you insecure. SHE'S the one who cheated, and so far she has not proven to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that she can be trusted fully again. I know you're hoping that will change, but it very well may not. It is so hard to fully trust a cheater and a liar again. ESPECIALLY in marriage. If she continues to behave like this, I'd be surprised if you ever fully trusted her again. I also think that she started cheating because she is looking for something sexually that she's not/wasn't getting in the marriage. Has this been discussed? If not, you two need to have a bare-bones, honest, lengthy discussion about what motivated her to do what she did, and if there's anything that can change in the marriage/your sex lives to equate to what she wants, and what you want to do. I recommend that you don't stop checking her phone, and she should not be in contact with this guy AT ALL. Let her know that what she did shook your trust in her to the core, and that rebuilding trust in a cheating partner takes a lot of time - more than 9 months, surely. She needs to be respectful of that and accept that this is a result of her infidelity. Good luck.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Sorry, but it seems like the only reason she stopped is because you told her mom/family. To me, that translates as her not really caring that she hurt you and betrayed the loyalty of your marriage. I have thought of this too. Also, she is in NO position to be defensive or call you insecure. SHE'S the one who cheated, and so far she has not proven to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that she can be trusted fully again. I know you're hoping that will change, but it very well may not. It is so hard to fully trust a cheater and a liar again. ESPECIALLY in marriage. If she continues to behave like this, I'd be surprised if you ever fully trusted her again. I also think that she started cheating because she is looking for something sexually that she's not/wasn't getting in the marriage. Has this been discussed? If not, you two need to have a bare-bones, honest, lengthy discussion about what motivated her to do what she did, and if there's anything that can change in the marriage/your sex lives to equate to what she wants, and what you want to do. What she said was that she did it because i had been a jerk to her for some time of our marriage (i was) and made her feel unwanted. She said it felt nice to have someone that wasnt that way. I accept that I made mistakes in this area. Ive been working every day since then to not be that way. She says she's much happier with the way we get along now. Its just that we run into these times when i have doubts still. Like i said, i havent found anything since, but will keep checking without her knowing. I guess that realizing she betrayed me like that made me think she's likely to do it again, therefore i wonder if she is and think its inevitable. Is it? I recommend that you don't stop checking her phone, and she should not be in contact with this guy AT ALL. Let her know that what she did shook your trust in her to the core, and that rebuilding trust in a cheating partner takes a lot of time - more than 9 months, surely. She needs to be respectful of that and accept that this is a result of her infidelity. Good luck. I try to reason with her and explain that its justified for me to want to check on her. She just claims that its annoying to be suspected when she's not doing anything she's not supposed to. Im pretty sure she hasnt spoken at all to the guy, but now that i know she was able to betray me once, i wonder if she'll actually physically cheat on me now. Im done if she does, I've told her many times.
ISurvived Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I try to reason with her and explain that its justified for me to want to check on her. She just claims that its annoying to be suspected when she's not doing anything she's not supposed to. Im pretty sure she hasnt spoken at all to the guy, but now that i know she was able to betray me once, i wonder if she'll actually physically cheat on me now. Im done if she does, I've told her many times. Simple response: "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing". 3
Bryanp Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 How would she be feeling if the roles had been reversed? She has humiliated and disrespected your marriage. Make it known that this will be a deal breaker if she continues to connect with other men behind your back in the future. Good luck. 1
Author IWantTheTruth Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Simple response: "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing". I tell her all this, but she replies that it's annoying to be searched when she hasnt done anything wrong. I tell her "how do i know that?", she doesnt seem to be able to put the shoe on the other foot and see how it fits. She has gotten a bit better, but still gets annoyed, which is why ive switched over to more covert ways of checking on her.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 How would she be feeling if the roles had been reversed? She has humiliated and disrespected your marriage. Make it known that this will be a deal breaker if she continues to connect with other men behind your back in the future. Good luck. She knows this. When I first found out, I was convinced i was done with her, and when she begged me to forgive her, I told her that next time to not even bother. Just to pack her ****, and be on her way. I tell her that if she ever doesnt want to be with me anymore, its as simple as just telling me, as I can take that much better than i could take her doing things behind my back.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Thanks to WFback for giving me the info about textpad to read deleted messages. I have spent quite some time using textpad to read through her backed up files. I just finished going through the backup of her phone i made last night, and didnt find anything inappropriate. The only sexual texts were between her and myself, which i recall and am familiar with. I will continue checking anyway, because it is a relief to know that there isnt anything bad on there, and with enough time, i may be able to start trusting her again. I will aslo keep in mind that she MAY be using another phone, so i will keep an eye out for it. I have also checked her bank account statements for anything suspicious, but didnt find anything. Thanks to all here for offering their objective points of view and tips.
ISurvived Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I tell her all this, but she replies that it's annoying to be searched when she hasnt done anything wrong. I tell her "how do i know that?", she doesnt seem to be able to put the shoe on the other foot and see how it fits. She has gotten a bit better, but still gets annoyed, which is why ive switched over to more covert ways of checking on her. Another good one liner for her: "You choose the behavior, you choose the consequences". Honestly, you should really care less if she is annoyed or not. She chose to stray, nobody forced her. I understand wanting to "get along" and not make things more tense while trying to recover. As my name says, I survived my FWW affair. I had two DDays 5 months apart back in 2008. 4 years later, we are happily recovered. It wasn't easy. Sometimes, you just have to be blunt. At one time my wife got the same way about my checking on her. I just told her I wouldn't have a reason too if she hadn't gave me a reason to. Good luck to you. I'm pulling for you all.
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