Ex girlfriend called me back, again

[lostinlove2000]

Hi,

I would like to get some impartial advice and thoughts about my situation. I am sorry for the length of this message, in advance, and would be very appreciative if you have the patience to read it in its entirety.

 

My ex broke up with me back in September. We had been dating for about 8 months. I was 25, she 33. She is divorced, and had a son when she was about 21 (so he 13, now).

 

We met at a friend's party, and we hit it off very well at the time. I felt her to be mature (which I don't often find in people my age), and I felt connected to her in a way I'd never felt before. But, at the time, I was very self-conscious about the age of her son, and concerned about what I was getting into in terms of responsibility and possible affect to her son. I was nervous when in public, as I was concerned with what other people would think about me dating someone with an older son.

 

I fell very hard for her, though. It felt that, in every aspect not right in my past relationships, it felt right with her. We went to Mexico together. When we returned, she said she saw all the things around her house that she did not get to do during the time we were dating, and it felt like she was pulling away from me. Of course, I got very concerned and panicked, trying to hold onto her. I finally did not call her for a couple of days, trying to get her attention, and when I did call back she said that was it.

 

My family and friends felt that I was settling to be with her. They were never really happy that I was dating her. I am sure they would be equally, if not more unhappy if we started things again. They don't think that she treated me very well by her pushing me away.

 

Fast forward to now, about 6 months later. She called back in November, I suspect a number of times in December, January, and again about a week ago. She said she was coming to the town I live in for the weekend to see a friend (her son is away for the week) and try out her new car, and that she has my DVD to give me, and wondered if I wanted to meet for coffee. We started talking for a while. Some excepts from the conversation:

- I said that I felt at the time that we were at different places, in our lives, and I felt that she felt that as well.

- She still cares about me, and wants to make sure I am doing alright.

- Thinks that, since we were both starting new jobs when we met, we were stressed and tired and that affected the relationship.

- She said she thought I was trying to control her, by telling her what she should do with her house. I explained to her that, since I care about her, I was trying trying to help in my own way. She started to cry at that point and said she had not realized that was where I was coming from. She said that she was used to doing things by herself, and got offended by me trying to help.

- She's not tried to date anyone else. She still thinks of me when she hears songs.

- She also said that she doesn't think that getting back together is good, because we would both still have hurt feelings from the past.

 

I'm confused now (obviously), and don't know exactly what to make of all this. I told her I felt that it was a bad idea for us to meet on the weekend. She messaged back and stated she decided that she was not going to come, in the end, and that she decided to stay at home since it was a beautiful day (strange, from someone that once told me that she loves road trips).

 

Somehow, I feel in the last few conversations with her, I feel I've learned a lot more about her than I ever did in the first 8 months of dating her. She mentions a lot of things that suggest to me that her ex husband did not treat her well. She has asked me a lot of questions (what do you think love is?, etc.) that lead me to believe that she was careful about getting back into a serious relationship. An instance of observing her crying after speaking with her ex-husband leads me to believe that she got overwhelmed by emotions from the past when I tried to get close to her, and therefore she pulled away from me, sometimes projecting some very negative comments to me to push me away. I feel that she was a sweet girl at one time, but that her marriage hardened her up a lot. In observing her with her son and family, I saw a tough person with a lot of independence and pride, but with a good heart deep down. I guess this would make it tough for her to be in a relationship, and probably tougher if she is not used to someone actually trying to help her out, for once.

 

I'm still not sure how to approach her son. He and I got along pretty good, at the time, but I still feel he will be a challenge given my inexperience and age. I feel I need to be damned sure that I can handle her having a son, be able to deflect and criticism from other people, and be a good influence to him.

 

What do you think?

- Is she just lonely, manipulative and wants a good time for the weekend, as one friend has suggested? I don't feel this to be consistent with her.

- Has she re-evaluated and come to the conclusion that she would still like to be with me? Why else would she suggest it was a big mis-communication? (obviously I would like this to be true).

- Or is she just tying to be 'motherly' as some other friends of mine have suggested.

 

I've worked a lot on myself since we have split, improved my job, got a raise, been working out, and am studying for my p.eng. exam. But I feel it hard to move on when it feels like it may have been a big 'mis-communication' and that my judgement was 'robbed' by the opinions of other people regarding her age and her son.

 

I really want to figure out what she wants. I would like to reach out to her, one last time. But i feel her pride will get in the way. But when she called me back in November, and I followed by telling her I still wanted to be with her, she went very cold afterwards. I feel that the 'ball is in her court', so to speak, to be the one to take the the first leap, but has she already made it by calling me back?

 

I feel that I've at least made the right choice, for know, in not meeting with her this weekend so I can at least take the time to collect my own feelings.

Edited March 25, 2012 by lostinlove2000
language

[EgoJoe]

Dude, let this one go.

[jennisfora]

i think she said getting back together wouldn't be a good idea...i think that is your answer right there. she was being nostalgic for the past, and reliving the good times, but doesnt actually want to get back together. i think that's it. if she wanted to try again, she wouldnt tell you it wasnt a good idea. sorry. *hugs*

[lostinlove2000]

Thanks for the comments. I guess the way she said it, it seemed like she was more posing it as a question to me. She also asked what I thought, about putting the past behind us. That's why I included it in the list.

 

It's still all very confusing. If she is only nostalgic, and understands that the break up was painful for me, then she ought to direct her nostalgia to someone else. I don't think I would call someone back that I knew to be hurt by my breaking up with them, and present something that can be interpreted otherwise.

Edited March 25, 2012 by lostinlove2000

[jennisfora]

well, she probably misses you. but, sees getting back together as scary. so, she was probably seeing if you are still interested. but she is on the fence. you can't push her, or convince her. if she decides she wants to try again, she will probably try to call again. if i were you, i wouldnt answer the phone, wait and listen to the message she leaves. if it is a message saying, i really regret leaving you i would like to try again, then you can call her back. if it is, hey, glad i saw you again. i miss the old times we shared. glad you are doing well. let it go, don't contact her. she is still on the fence, and still in decision mode. if you try and persuade her, she will run. i read somewhere that trying to get someone to reconcile with you, was like trying to feed a wild deer. you have to hold out the grain, and let them come to you. any sudden movement, any attempt to make them, will scare them away. if she wants another try, and has thought it through, she will tell you in plain english. this is non commital maybe talk.

 

whatever you do, dont get your hopes up. dont expect anything. that way you wont be disappointed. she is definitely curious. but, no pressure, no expectations, and you will be okay. just know, this might be pure curiosity. she may just want to know that you still care. be careful, guard your heart. *hugs*

[EgoJoe]

Dude, she is a 32 y/o divorcee with a teenage kid and some serious issues.

 

Run for the hills because of course she is giving you this HALF-MEASURE language. You've become an OPTION now that the passion is gone and now she is on the hunt for a new daddy while making sure that her old daddy (you) is still there just in case.

 

News flash, this is what selfish people do.

[lostinlove2000]

Jennisfora: I believe that you are right. So that you know, she called on Wednesday night, at which time I told her I thought it was a bad idea. I finally sent her a text message on Saturday morning (as I told her I would) saying that I thought it was a bad idea, and I wished her a good weekend. But I can't help have some little bit of hope and it's taken a lot of self control on my part to not call all weekend.

 

EgoJoy: She obviously has some issues, but I never got the sense that she is as malicious as you suggest that she is. In any case, by waiting for her to make any further moves, would I not be able to figure out what she really wants?

[jennisfora]

don't reach out to her, she ditched you, it is her place to do the reaching. if she really wants to get back together, she will let you know, in plain english. she is still non commital. and that is why she can't give a straight answer.

 

you can't make up her mind for her, she has to. so, just try to focus on other things, continue bettering yourself. try to not wait by the phone. she might be on the fence, whether she wants to try again, is undecided. if she does, make sure she is serious, and don't take her back right away, make her earn it. she has to know that if she leaves again, you are done. no other chances, so she has to think carefully. otherwise, you will be stuck in an on and off again relationship which is not where you want to be. also, like egojoe said, is this what you really want?

 

think and examine why you want her back, and if that is really who you want. take your time. write out what you like, and what you dont like. examine the lists, see what is fixable and what you would just have to live with, and make sure you could live with it. what do you really want out of life? is she going to be able to go the journey with you? what do you think she wants in life? are you going to be able to be there, and travel the same road?

 

you have alot of thinking to do. i think you should try very hard to be as objective as possible,and really decide if this is what you want long term. if it is, and she decides she wants to try again, just be careful, take it slow, and put no pressure on her. make sure she has thought it through, and that she knows this is it. no other chances. she has to know there are consequences otherwise she will take you for granted.

[EgoJoe]

Jennisfora: I believe that you are right. So that you know, she called on Wednesday night, at which time I told her I thought it was a bad idea. I finally sent her a text message on Saturday morning (as I told her I would) saying that I thought it was a bad idea, and I wished her a good weekend. But I can't help have some little bit of hope and it's taken a lot of self control on my part to not call all weekend.

 

EgoJoy: She obviously has some issues, but I never got the sense that she is as malicious as you suggest that she is. In any case, by waiting for her to make any further moves, would I not be able to figure out what she really wants?

 

Think about WHAT YOU WANT forget her wants, needs and desires until/unless she states them to you directly and then you consider whether you can fulfill them without putting yourself out too much.

 

I didn't say she was malicious and I am not suggesting that either. I am "suggesting" that she is selfish because it is obvious. Granted this may be justifiable and what not due to her having a kid.

 

But you're 25, don't get caughtup in this crap. Get out there and a find a Woman without baggage or children that they had at 19.

[cflowers32]

Dude, she is a 32 y/o divorcee with a teenage kid and some serious issues.

 

Run for the hills because of course she is giving you this HALF-MEASURE language. You've become an OPTION now that the passion is gone and now she is on the hunt for a new daddy while making sure that her old daddy (you) is still there just in case.

 

News flash, this is what selfish people do.

 

Yeah, and option. Hard way to look at things, but that's pretty much what mine made me. I hope one day he regrets it.

 

Move on. I'm sorry about all that she's putting you through, but don't let her any more. Good luck!!!

[lostinlove2000]

Thanks for the comments. Its nice to know that a few random people would take the time to offer some advice. It is true that she is the one that needs to be clear about what she wants. In the heat of the moment, it's tough to put everything in perspective, put my mind onto more productive endeavors and 'not care' if she ever calls back.

 

From the outset, I knew that dating her would be difficult and I knew that it may be a longshot with her in the long term. I feel that she was aware of this, too.

 

That being said, however, I did feel a 'connection' with her from the start. Maybe this 'connection' was just lust, but it felt like something deep. She also mentioned that she still wanted to have more children (which I obviously would like to have eventually). So I thought it would work. I guess, I was left feeling, this does add complication to my life, but I cared about her and at the time it seemed like she really cared about me. I though, and still think that that is hard to find, and would still like to think that that should be enough.

 

If she did, in fact call back purely to make sure that I am 'ok', the intent would be to make her feel 'ok' that I am alright even if she dumped me. This seems to me to be selfish, because she knows that I was hurt by the breakup. She should be talking to someone else if she feels she needs something to lift her up, no?

Edited March 26, 2012 by lostinlove2000

[jennisfora]

it might be a habit to reach out to you, since she did that when you were together. she may not be thinking about whether it hurts you. If she is asking if you are okay, she is trying to relieve guilt. that has nothing to do with her wanting to try again or not.

 

asking if you are okay, all right , hanging in there are all fishing phrases that exes do to find out if you are still on the hook. if you are okay, then typically they will drop off the radar until they get curious again, or bored. you should ignore any texts or messages that are simply 'how's it going? or are you handling things okay?"

 

she either wants to know if you have moved on, or she wants to know how badly you are hurting so she can say sorry for the milionth time. not sorry she did it, but sorry that it has consequences.

[lostinlove2000]

Regardless of her intent, this does all confuse me.

A small part of me wants her back, and the only way for that to diminish, without getting her back, is to simply move on with my life. And in the past couple of months, besides a few mornings or quiet evenings lamenting some of the good times, I was doing pretty well, overall. My emotions felt under control.

 

It was really tough for me to say no to meeting her this weekend. And the will power required for me to stand back on not respond with something like 'i still think we should be together...' is draining...it is hard to think about much else. I did not sleep well, and ended up having a dream where everything was out of control, and it felt like I was losing it.

 

I already have a lot to deal with by myself. My job is stressful, and my family and friends live on the other side of the country. I don't have anyone I can just pop in and rely on for any close emotion support, other than me.

 

EgoJoe: you are right. I should not get caught up in this. I deserve to be happy in my life, and this does not make me happy.

Edited March 26, 2012 by lostinlove2000

[EgoJoe]

EgoJoe: you are right. I should not get caught up in this. I deserve to be happy in my life, and this does not make me happy.

 

I guarantee you that there is a younger, hotter and more mature Woman out there. She has a teenage son who will always be her #1 priority (if she is a decent human being) and you deserve better.

 

Dude, you're 25, the world is your oyster, count your blessings!

[lostinlove2000]

Egojoe,

 

For a (now) 34 year old, the manner in which she chose to break up (i.e. she mentioned she just got upset and said to hell with it), she has not acted in a very mature manner. As well, she had mentioned that she initiated the break ups with all her previous boyfriends (and husband).

There have been hard lessons for me to learn resulting from this experience. Look, I know, for the perspective of my what is absolutely best for me, this is better. I can find a younger person who's live streams much more closely with my own. It's just difficult to let go of the feelings I have for her. When I met her, she was so caring, and nice, and sweet. And that changed so abruptly. How am I supposed to trust that another woman that I meet, that appears sweet and caring at the beginning, isn't going to turn after I've invested emotionally in her?

Edited March 26, 2012 by lostinlove2000

[EgoJoe]

Egojoe,

 

For a (now) 34 year old, the manner in which she chose to break up (i.e. she mentioned she just got upset and said to hell with it), she has not acted in a very mature manner. As well, she had mentioned that she initiated the break ups with all her previous boyfriends (and husband).

There have been hard lessons for me to learn resulting from this experience. Look, I know, for the perspective of my what is absolutely best for me, this is better. I can find a younger person who's live streams much more closely with my own. It's just difficult to let go of the feelings I have for her. When I met her, she was so caring, and nice, and sweet. And that changed so abruptly. How am I supposed to trust that another woman that I meet, that appears sweet and caring at the beginning, isn't going to turn after I've invested emotionally in her?

 

Do your homework and qualify the hell out of her, she'll respect you more for it too.

 

Also, she was mirroring your ass to get you to love her. Think of it like a trap door spider some people are not BPD but they have a lot of the traits a lot of the time and boy oh boy can they get you.

 

She sounds passive aggressive, immature and selfish. Woohoo she removed herself from your life. My suggestion? If/when she contacts you again. Laugh at her.

[lostinlove2000]

Mirroring?

 

She was nice at the beginning. If I made mistakes, etc., she was ok, forgiving, considerate, understanding. At the end, I heard about everything that I ever did wrong (you didn't hold me enough in bed, you said this, you said that, I will never forget when you did this...etc.). I got upset at her a couple of times, but apologized promptly and thought it was dealt with. She made sure I knew about these things, and almost flipped it around so that I was purely responsible for everything. I spoke to a friend at the time, and he agreed with me that they were by no means enough to cause a relationship to end, and that she was being unreasonable. I think they started mostly because I have a lot of trouble understanding her, and handling working 3hrs away and dealing with her stuff as well. She made me feel like it was all my fault, at the time. My only regret is I felt like I could have handled them a bit better. I was made to almost think that purely because of these, the relationship ended. It hurt a lot.

 

I don't want to feel I have to put a presumably innocent girl through some sort of inquisition just because of this experience...

 

Her father died in car accident when she was young, and her mother appeared to me like a pretty distant, hard person. I felt that somehow that also affected her?

 

I would never bother to think about these things so much if this break-up had been like previous ones, where the other person (or I) just said, your a nice person, just not right for me, and we mostly amicably go both ways.

Edited March 26, 2012 by lostinlove2000

[jennisfora]

she sounds very negative, and like the type that holds grudges, and doesn't forget slights. it is hard to deal with such people day in and day out. i think you should be glad you got out. i don't think you were truly happy. i think you want her back, because she dumped you, not because you actually want her back. the one you can't have, type of thing.

[jennisfora]

of course, this is purely conjecture based on what you just said, i don't have all the information, and am basing this on your comment.

[lostinlove2000]

Maybe. I have used the time since pretty positively. I improved my work situation, am studying for my engineering exam, bought and learned how to downhill ski, learned how to roller-blade, started to run more again (and lost 10 lbs, at least) go swimming (met some nice people there), improved my apartment, taken the time to meet some new people at work.

 

If I let her come back to me, and have to start dealing with her kid as well as commuting to see her, it would (again) considerably limit my time to do these things, and for all time.

 

I am willing to find someone to share these things with, and would GLADLY let some of them go as required to spend time with her, and if we decide to start a family, but it would seem to be pretty daft of me to be willing to let them go for someone that doesn't respect me, nor understand what it meant that I was willing to do so for her in the first place.

 

Any yes, there was even a couple of times where she told me, if you were to ever call me a b**ch, I would leave you (granted I wouldn't do that...but still threats are not nice). We had an argument over something once and she said "Never do that again or else"

Edited March 27, 2012 by lostinlove2000

[Eddie Edirol]

Mirroring?

 

She was nice at the beginning. If I made mistakes, etc., she was ok, forgiving, considerate, understanding. At the end, I heard about everything that I ever did wrong (you didn't hold me enough in bed, you said this, you said that, I will never forget when you did this...etc.). I got upset at her a couple of times, but apologized promptly and thought it was dealt with. She made sure I knew about these things, and almost flipped it around so that I was purely responsible for everything.

 

 

She probably was into you in the beginning, but lost patience when she realized youre not fully compatible. turning it around on you just means that she didnt know how to communicate like an adult. Her ex huisband probably taught her how to do that, and she needed to do it to you to get revenge - sounds like her ex dumped her.

 

That being said, however, I did feel a 'connection' with her from the start. Maybe this 'connection' was just lust, but it felt like something deep. She also mentioned that she still wanted to have more children (which I obviously would like to have eventually).

 

She should be talking to someone else if she feels she needs something to lift her up, no?

 

Sounds to me like she DID talk to someone else, and it didnt work out, so she's back to you. People cant be believed when they break it off with you, they tell you all kinds of lies to keep you away from the truth, so dont put much creedence into what she told you during the breakup.

 

When I met her, she was so caring, and nice, and sweet. And that changed so abruptly. How am I supposed to trust that another woman that I meet, that appears sweet and caring at the beginning, isn't going to turn after I've invested emotionally in her?

 

Easy, you dont emotionally invest in her until she emotionally invests in you. And make sure they are emotionally stable first before investing in them. Your 34 year old had baggage that you will see from a mile away now.

[wilsonx]

Your conversation posted from her words were FRIENDSHIP only. There is nothing confusing about it. You are trying to look in the words for hidden meaning.

 

Thats it.