BMZMJ Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Dear companions LOL, quick background on the story. Today is day 13 of NC. her last text was this: (no reply from me) "'Just reminding you that my personal space is important to me right now. dont contact me because that will just confuse me more. If our lives are meant to be...then I will wait for my sign...God will be my guidance..and I believe he wants me to be happy no matter my decission...Respond yes if you understand...Whatever I decide, it will be for the best, I just know it...Thank you for your patience and understanding...I dont know how long it will take but time should not matter if love is life long..Take care XXXX..." In addition, she met with my mom this past week and told her she is missing me a lot, feels a 'knot' in her stomach, that she adores me, but that the wounds are still fresh, and that she was upset I wouldnt bring her on a trip, etc.. Nevertheless, it doesnt seem to be enough for her to want to contact me... She asked for 'time' and I have given it, so it is very hard for me to accept this is really over. I have accepted that we are not together now but I can't get rid of this hope that she will contact me one of these days... 13 days without contact is the longest in our 5 year relationship, and I'm really trying hard not to break NC.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Dear companions LOL, quick background on the story. Today is day 13 of NC. her last text was this: (no reply from me) "'Just reminding you that my personal space is important to me right now. dont contact me because that will just confuse me more. If our lives are meant to be...then I will wait for my sign...God will be my guidance..and I believe he wants me to be happy no matter my decission...Respond yes if you understand...Whatever I decide, it will be for the best, I just know it...Thank you for your patience and understanding...I dont know how long it will take but time should not matter if love is life long..Take care XXXX..." In addition, she met with my mom this past week and told her she is missing me a lot, feels a 'knot' in her stomach, that she adores me, but that the wounds are still fresh, and that she was upset I wouldnt bring her on a trip, etc.. Nevertheless, it doesnt seem to be enough for her to want to contact me... She asked for 'time' and I have given it, so it is very hard for me to accept this is really over. I have accepted that we are not together now but I can't get rid of this hope that she will contact me one of these days... 13 days without contact is the longest in our 5 year relationship, and I'm really trying hard not to break NC. Why is she bothering with your family? Go on that trip and have fun; if she wanted you she would be with you. Why is she playing these games. If she loves you so much, why are you guys apart? 1
Author BMZMJ Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 Honestly, our relationship was getting so serious and I didnt know it, or how to act. I acted selfish sometimes, like with money or not wanting to spend much time with her family and she saw those as 'red' flags (I imagine). Like saying if that is how he is as a bf, how could he be as a husband?
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Honestly, our relationship was getting so serious and I didnt know it, or how to act. I acted selfish sometimes, like with money or not wanting to spend much time with her family and she saw those as 'red' flags (I imagine). Like saying if that is how he is as a bf, how could he be as a husband? There is a vibe, that since you know this, would you fix it? Do you see yourself with this person? It seems salvageable to me==otherwise she wouldn't be confiding in your Mom===does she think your Mom won't share this info with you or something? 1
Author BMZMJ Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 Of course I see this person with me. She is all I have ever known really. I met her 9 years ago and dated in high school. spent 2 years apart and then just ended a nearly 5 year relationship. She is the only person I have ever loved and I did see myself eventually marrying her, etc. As I said those selfish acts on my part led her to believe I wasnt fully committed to her. For example, she took me to her native country to meet her family but now she is upset I want to go alone back to my home country without her... I have made efforts with my family to be more loving, more open, more selfless and more giving. That wont change overnight but I am taking the right steps forward because I want to do it for myself and not simply to get her back.. you also make a good point. I dont think she will be going to see my mother (it was her initiative) and telling her all those things if she wanted to stay away from me. In addition, I imagine that she knew that whatever she told my mom will eventually get back to me.. I miss her a lot and Im fighting the urge to call or text. I want to respect her time and space and I want to only talk to her when she makes the initial contact....but it is so hard to wait...It is testing my patience...
cflowers32 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Reading your post makes me want to smack her. She's going to wait for God to give her a sign?? Really? You know, people go to counseling when they have issues, or guess what?? The church counselor, or trusted family who will be non-biased. I don't get why she had to talk to your mom, that doesn't seem fair, on your behalf anyway. Wow, maybe you should be asking the same questions about her??? Listen, marriage isn't easy, I've been there, money is an issue, sex becomes an issue, living on top of each other day in and day out can be an issue, then you add kids, and relationships are ALL HARD!!! They take work, and you have to be willing. Good luck to you. It's kind of with my X, he's 42 and needs to see what else is out there. Good luck to him too!! I think he made a mistake, we were such a good couple who genuinely cared about each other. But what can I do about it? People will do what they do. So, no more calling, texting, nothing from me. He wants to see what else is out there. Good luck to the both of them. I know this is so hard for you. Good for you for being so strong though.
lalalandman Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 There's somebody else involved. She knows you're a good catch, which is why she doesn't want to throw you back to sea, just yet. But life isn't about being with a good catch. It's about experiencing life. We are human, so generally, our gut feeling and instincts will always prevail over logic. If you have her on FB, I would delete her immediately. Any way you can deter yourself from discovery would be best. She's too chicken **** to tell you she has her eye on another person. 5 years is a long time. But it just takes one good look for a hook. Your ex has been hooked. Sorry to say. Let her go my friend. 1
jennisfora Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 cF, my ex also said he couldn't commit and had to be single.. he ditched me a week after turning 40. At his birthday bash, he slow danced with me, serenaded me, and told everyone in the room over a mic how much he loved me, and how i put up with him. and how grateful he was to have me in his life. he bought me a kindle fire for christmas, and tucked my son in and told him goodnight. We made love, and had coffee in the morning, and i showed him a ring i was looking at on amazon, and then he said, we needed to downgrade our relationship and just be friends, and then he left. I kept low contact for a bit, and he seemed to want me in his life, but didn't want to be in a committed relationship so now we are in no contact because i can't settle for less. not after that. it is so confusing when people act like they want you, but then don't. i guess early twenties and early forties people sometimes get that feeling that they are missing out on something in life, and have to experience it. mid life crisis, quarter life crisis, gigs, commitmentphobia. Whatever you want to call it. Just be careful about opening contact because i have found it hurts and doesnt help, because unless a great deal of time has passed, neither person has had time to change, and they will still be wondering about the grass on the other side. They want to keep contact because they crave a safety net. They want to know that if all else fails, someone will be waiting there for them. But you deserve better. You are not someone's option, backup plan, plan B. You are not their friend, their therapist, their shoulder to cry on. When they rejected you, they rejected all of you, they can't pick and choose what to keep. Don't let yourself be used. I am trying to do this myself. everyday is a struggle. *hugs* 1
budley12 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 There's somebody else involved. She knows you're a good catch, which is why she doesn't want to throw you back to sea, just yet. But life isn't about being with a good catch. It's about experiencing life. We are human, so generally, our gut feeling and instincts will always prevail over logic. If you have her on FB, I would delete her immediately. Any way you can deter yourself from discovery would be best. She's too chicken **** to tell you she has her eye on another person. 5 years is a long time. But it just takes one good look for a hook. Your ex has been hooked. Sorry to say. Let her go my friend. exactly what happened with me. we were each others firsts and dated 3 years. He denied there being another person involved but a month into our breakup he started dating the person he was starting to become close friends with. i've been NC ever since and he has made no attempt to contact me. it sucks and I still cry everyday... love sucks =(
Author BMZMJ Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 There's somebody else involved. She knows you're a good catch, which is why she doesn't want to throw you back to sea, just yet. But life isn't about being with a good catch. It's about experiencing life. We are human, so generally, our gut feeling and instincts will always prevail over logic. If you have her on FB, I would delete her immediately. Any way you can deter yourself from discovery would be best. She's too chicken **** to tell you she has her eye on another person. 5 years is a long time. But it just takes one good look for a hook. Your ex has been hooked. Sorry to say. Let her go my friend. Honestly, I highly doubt this. we were very open in our relationship and told each other about new friends, and there were no jealousy issues. In addition, my mom who became good friends with her throughout the year, asked her if there was someone else that I should know so I could move on and forget, etc. My ex answered with a "what? are you kidding me? you know how I am. I am not even thinking about that at all..Im just busy working and with my training, etc...." my mom then asked "you dont like him anymore then?" and she responded with a "I just dont like him. I love him - I adore him"
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Of course I see this person with me. She is all I have ever known really. I met her 9 years ago and dated in high school. spent 2 years apart and then just ended a nearly 5 year relationship. She is the only person I have ever loved and I did see myself eventually marrying her, etc. As I said those selfish acts on my part led her to believe I wasnt fully committed to her. For example, she took me to her native country to meet her family but now she is upset I want to go alone back to my home country without her... I have made efforts with my family to be more loving, more open, more selfless and more giving. That wont change overnight but I am taking the right steps forward because I want to do it for myself and not simply to get her back.. you also make a good point. I dont think she will be going to see my mother (it was her initiative) and telling her all those things if she wanted to stay away from me. In addition, I imagine that she knew that whatever she told my mom will eventually get back to me.. I miss her a lot and Im fighting the urge to call or text. I want to respect her time and space and I want to only talk to her when she makes the initial contact....but it is so hard to wait...It is testing my patience... Just curious who the new dude is; she seems to be waiting it out to see if it doesn't work with him. Keep on moving; she is tossing breadcrumbs via your Mom; getting her all involved. Immature if you ask me. She should come to YOU.
lalalandman Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 She's a bold face liar. Sorry man. You had a good run though, right? Just be grateful for the time you shared. It was good, wasn't it? You learned a very important fact. You can love. And you loved. You were loved. Isn't that sweet? You now have gorgeous memories of this person which are forever imbedded in your soul. Be so grateful. Move on. Don't look back.
cflowers32 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 cF, my ex also said he couldn't commit and had to be single.. he ditched me a week after turning 40. At his birthday bash, he slow danced with me, serenaded me, and told everyone in the room over a mic how much he loved me, and how i put up with him. and how grateful he was to have me in his life. he bought me a kindle fire for christmas, and tucked my son in and told him goodnight. We made love, and had coffee in the morning, and i showed him a ring i was looking at on amazon, and then he said, we needed to downgrade our relationship and just be friends, and then he left. I kept low contact for a bit, and he seemed to want me in his life, but didn't want to be in a committed relationship so now we are in no contact because i can't settle for less. not after that. it is so confusing when people act like they want you, but then don't. i guess early twenties and early forties people sometimes get that feeling that they are missing out on something in life, and have to experience it. mid life crisis, quarter life crisis, gigs, commitmentphobia. Whatever you want to call it. Just be careful about opening contact because i have found it hurts and doesnt help, because unless a great deal of time has passed, neither person has had time to change, and they will still be wondering about the grass on the other side. They want to keep contact because they crave a safety net. They want to know that if all else fails, someone will be waiting there for them. But you deserve better. You are not someone's option, backup plan, plan B. You are not their friend, their therapist, their shoulder to cry on. When they rejected you, they rejected all of you, they can't pick and choose what to keep. Don't let yourself be used. I am trying to do this myself. everyday is a struggle. *hugs* Thank you!!! I should print that and put it on my wall as a reminder. Very good points and again, why I am here. I "wish" and "want", but I'm being here so I can stay strong, and when I have the desire to do something stupid, I promise I'm coming here to you all for the encouragement. I do deserve better, and I am sorry for your situation. I don't get mine either.
Author BMZMJ Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 She's a bold face liar. Sorry man. You had a good run though, right? Just be grateful for the time you shared. It was good, wasn't it? You learned a very important fact. You can love. And you loved. You were loved. Isn't that sweet? You now have gorgeous memories of this person which are forever imbedded in your soul. Be so grateful. Move on. Don't look back. I understand where you're coming from, and how you would come to that conclussion. The truth is. My ex will not have initiated contact with my mother if she knew it was over, and she wanted to stay away. She will have completely blocked all my family form facebook, and from any contact. I have deleted her from facebook but some mutual friends say she has all our photos still up from our travels, etc. But to be honest - one really never knows if there is someone else. From what I know of her, and the hints she keeps giving is that there is nobody else around.... This is really testing my patience LOL
lalalandman Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 My ex of 5 years contacted my mother 2 weeks after she broke up with me and said the exact same thing... 3 months later, she admitted to screwing a guy during that time. Wise up my friend. Like I said, be grateful. And smile. You're going to be ok.
Author BMZMJ Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 My ex of 5 years contacted my mother 2 weeks after she broke up with me and said the exact same thing... 3 months later, she admitted to screwing a guy during that time. Wise up my friend. Like I said, be grateful. And smile. You're going to be ok. Oh man - I am so sorry to hear that. That must have hurt like hell...
lalalandman Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Slightly, but she was tons more hurt about it than I was. Probably the reason I wasn't too hurt is because I was screwing tons of chics after our breakup, and came out unscathed, luckily. Eeek, I remember those days. In any case, just move on my friend. Remember the good times. The most important part is that you allow this experience to make you a BETTER person. Come out on top dude. There's no doubt that you will be going through the motions, but have no fear. Time is on your side. 1
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