kvb Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 My story (sorry for the novel): -Met girl about 5 years ago through a mutual friend. She looked like a supermodel. Half-persian with a southern accent and the most outgoing personality. TRULY one of a kind. I was overweight and nowhere near her level of attractiveness. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had EVER seen. Crushed on her for years. -She lived 3 hours away with her mom and would occasionally come visit her dad in my hometown. I hung out with her a couple of times in a group with my mutual friend. -She recently moved to my hometown "permanently" and I was visiting for Winter break (I go to school out of state). -See each other for the first time in a couple of years (we never really knew each other that well). She had gained a little weight but I was still very attracted to her and I was starting to get in shape so there wasn't such a great discrepancy in attractiveness. -Go on double date with same mutual friend and his GF. Me and girl end up making out in the middle of the bar for hours and having an awesome time. Stay over at her place. -Sex for the first time two nights later (Christmas eve/morning). -Hang out every night of my winter break. She was absolutely crazy about me. -Return to school. We talk every day for 2 months. She plans 2 summer vacations for us, plans to visit me at school, tells me how much she liked her dreams about us getting engaged, sends huge valentines day package, and plan out every day we'd spend together over Spring break. -Come home for Spring break under an insane amount of stress from school and another temporary issue that I can't discuss. -Asked her to be my girlfriend on my first night back. She accepted. -She invited her pregnant friend to stay with her the entire week I was home. I got pissed about this because it prevented sex, alone time, our plans, etc. -This coupled with the lack of sex and stress/other problem made me distant, angry, demanding and not fun to be around. -She became furious after I told her she was being annoying one night (asking the same question over and over). -We call off the relationship and she asks to take it slow. I agree. -Unfortunately, "taking it slow" also involves no sex so I get upset again. Tell her that she also needs to lose weight. -She says that we should just be friends and see what happens in the future. Didn't sound too optimistic. -I was shocked. Couldn't believe it. I realized I took her for granted and seriously underestimated my feelings for her. -Begged her to take me back for 4 days. -She says she originally intended to get back together but me begging was pushing her away. Said I was smothering her. She said "we'll see" about the future. -She decides to move back to her hometown and work on a cruise ship for six weeks. -Last time I called her was a week ago. Had a decent conversation but I could tell she didn't like that I brought up our "relationship". She basically says: "we'll see. i cant predict the future. i dont know whats going on in my life. i cant be tied down right now." which is understandable because she doesnt know how long she'll be away for her new job or where she'll live afterwards. Shes contacted me once since I've been back and that was a 4 AM drunk call. -Sent her a text 3 days later wishing her good luck in her new job. She never responded. NC since then. -I've been in tears for the past week. -Not sure if she was serious about "we'll see". Not sure if I'll ever see/talk to/live in the same city as her again. Not sure if she's ignoring me because she hates me or because she "needs time" without being smothered. If I were to call her, it would only push her further away. -I explained several times about what I was going through and that things would be back to normal in a few weeks. I'm hoping she understands and gives me a second chance this summer. That person simply wasn't me and I'm worried that she made long-term evaluations of our future based on that temporary issue. I just dont understand that. Would love to here some opinions on my situation. I really do like her a lot and we were very compatible except for the temporary issues I mentioned. How should I respond if she calls/texts me? ignore and get back to her later sounding happy? any opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Lois Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 If you really do "like her a lot" why would you want to ignore her calls/texts then get back to her later "sounding happy"? Playing silly games like that is very likely to backfire. For goodness sake, if she contacts you, just be honest. She deserves that. 1
Author kvb Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 If you really do "like her a lot" why would you want to ignore her calls/texts then get back to her later "sounding happy"? Playing silly games like that is very likely to backfire. For goodness sake, if she contacts you, just be honest. She deserves that. because i was smothering her and i think i probably came across as desperate. im also trying to avoid being friendzoned so i want her to think she's not the only thing on my mind. 1
Lois Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) because i was smothering her and i think i probably came across as desperate. im also trying to avoid being friendzoned so i want her to think she's not the only thing on my mind. You may have come across as desperate, but I'm not sure that your solution to previously smothering her, by now - to a degree - ignoring her, is a sound one. You don't know what she's thinking or feeling, and trying to guess and plot your moves accordingly is, in my view, pointless. Edited March 25, 2012 by Lois
Author kvb Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 You may have come across as desperate, but I'm not sure that your solution to previously smothering her, by now - to a degree - ignoring her, is a sound one. You don't know what she's thinking or feeling, and trying to guess and plot your moves accordingly is, in my view, pointless. Point taken. Should I avoid bringing up "the relationship" next time I talk to her? Me talking about my feelings and whatnot "pushed her away" and kind of bothered her but part of me feels like if we don't talk about it, the feelings will go away and we'll settle into a friendship. Like she'll just forget about it. What do you think? I guess I just don't understand how going from lovers to friends back to lovers would happen. Thanks so much for your help.
Lois Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) Point taken. Should I avoid bringing up "the relationship" next time I talk to her? Me talking about my feelings and whatnot "pushed her away" and kind of bothered her but part of me feels like if we don't talk about it, the feelings will go away and we'll settle into a friendship. Like she'll just forget about it. What do you think? I guess I just don't understand how going from lovers to friends back to lovers would happen. Thanks so much for your help. Don't try to plan the conversation too much. Again, you don't know what she's going to say so perhaps it's best to do more listening rather than speaking. Just be polite and honest. Let her take the lead a bit - at least until you're comfortable with each other again. I hope things work out for you. Edited March 25, 2012 by Lois
stimson554 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 seems that you were more concerned with sex than the relationship itself.
blotter Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 -Unfortunately, "taking it slow" also involves no sex so I get upset again. Tell her that she also needs to lose weight. Wow, any self-respecting woman would drop you like a ton of blocks after that one.
cflowers32 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 kvb, my "take" on a relationship is that you NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO!! I'm in a similar position with a boyfriend (PLEASE read my post... a guys point of view would be great), and I am confused now. I found this site and I am going to avoid him. He wants to leave his options open but "still loves me, it attracted to me and feels horrible" about all of this, so why then???? People are people, they are all different. You sound like me, you can't win for trying. I think the best advise I can give you is just keep posting, help others. I have found that in just the two days I've been posting here, I get major relief coming here and keeps me from wanting to call him or text him. He wants this??? Let him have it. I wish you the best.
Author kvb Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 Wow, any self-respecting woman would drop you like a ton of blocks after that one. I know I was wrong and I feel terrible about it. I was going through a lot that week and it made me a different person. I'd go celibate for years to get her back in my life. I wasn't asking for validation of my actions, just advice on the best way to proceed if I want to try and fix things.
buckylv Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 It looks like the trouble started when the pregnant friend came to visit interfering with your "alone" time. To me, you sound like you handled the entire situation very immaturely which at least you acknowlege. The problem now is the damage as been done and you can't go back and fix as much as you want too. What emotions were experienced on her part have passed. IMO, the only thing you can really do is ride it out. Communicate on your end in a non-smothering way how you felt back then and how you wish you would have handled things in a different manner. At that point, the ball is in her court but try to start envisioning your life without her in it and move on.
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