I am in great need of and support....

[cflowers32]

I am new here and I will do my best to explain in short and not too long...

 

I have literally spent maybe 10 minutes on this site, and I am hoping that this can be my new retreat for a while until I am stronger to be left to my "own devices" if you will.

 

I had been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and from the get go we were both looking for the same thing, a long term relationship with hopefully marriage. I am now 41, he's 42. He has never been married, but wanted to, I have been divorced, I have two great sons who are older now and I felt I was at a point where I would like to move on, I did not want to be alone for the rest of my life and my divorce was a huge learning lesson. I learned a lot about myself and wanted to find a great guy.

 

I had dated a few, and met Wayne, he and I have a lot in common other than our relationship differences and after about 6 months, my lease was up and I decided we would try living together, and we agreed if it didn't work out... well, we'd go from there.

 

Well, we did, and I have to share a few more things, I am not a dog person, he has a dog, and I can promise you all, I was more than nice to her, not to mention, she really is a great dog, but after being married and raising children, I'm just not much of a pet person, I have none of my own.

 

I also work full time and am finishing college to get my degree.

 

It got to a year where I just felt like I was overwhelmed with EVERYTHING and I felt that getting my own place would be the healthiest thing for me, for our relationship also. We talked, I told him that I DID NOT want to break up with him, but that by my moving, I would have more time to decompress and miss him, which, by the way was exactly what happened. I loved it!! I loved that us seeing each other was just like the beginning of dating, he said he liked it too...

 

So, I have been stressed, and felt that maybe he should have better for himself, (yep, I opened that door for him, and I am GREAT at sabotaging, so congratulations Caitlin, you did it!!!) he took the open door.

 

He says he still loves me, but he wants to get married, he wants someone who wants to live with him, who loves dogs, I get it.

 

I tried talking to him about some of the things I wanted US TO WORK on when we were together, like getting a bigger place (with my working and school, I NEEDED a place for me) and I have to tell you, living with HIS X-GF's stuff was not fun, they also had a mortgage on his place together, and yes, that's right, GF, not wife. I wanted us to have OUR LIFE!!

 

You know, I felt that with both of us being older and wanting that special "someone" that we would grow together, and have a new life that WE WOULD BUILD, and not be attached to his old stuff, move on, we were even wanting to get married at one point, about a year ago, and then things just went down hill, but the love was still there.

 

He is "confused" right now, and doesn't know what he wants, he says he still loves me, but he wants to leave the door open for another opportunity, that kills me, obviously.

 

I am so hurt. I love him, I did not want to lose him and I am absolutely CRUSHED!!!!! He's been such a genuinely sweet guy, always, and I understand what he's saying, but I think he's making a mistake... BTW, I KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT MY PLACE TO TELL HIM AND HE WILL DECIDE TO DO WHAT HE NEEDS TO, and I get that, I do...

 

In the meantime though, I have to let him go and I am really struggling with it. This is a guy that I truly love, we have for the most part had a great loving, respectful relationship with also, a very healthy, great sex life. We have great things in common, and we share so many important values, goals and positive outlooks for out future, it seems like this "should" be a suitable match...

 

Anyway, I think that is enough for now. I am HOPING that I get some responses. I am HOPING that I can come back here as much as I need to so I can let him go, LEAVE him alone, and let him do what he needs.

 

I know he may never come back, and it won't kill me, it's not the end of the world, but I truly love him, and I do hope, I do...

 

Anyway, I just needed to reach out to others for my own benefit because RIGHT NOW, I know I need to take very good care of me and my well being.

 

Thanks for reading and hope to hear from you all...

 

Caitlin

[Ninjainpajamas]

It seems like although you care and love each other compatibility isn't working your favor in this relationship.

 

You both tried giving it a go and lived together and it didn't work out...what else is there to determine or try? how are you going to live with each other again when you seem to live happier apart?

 

It seems like on the surface a stable relationship because the emotions are not exactly off the charts and the desire to be with each other is more out of compromising factors than emotions.

 

Once you left that was a defining moment in the relationship and whether you like it or not a queue for him to start looking other places for that emotional and practical compatibility where he could find someone who shared the same passions and was basically a dog lover. Which at this point I don't think is a bad idea.

 

I'm not sure what you're so hurt and absolutely crushed about, you've had a relationship that isn't damaging and detrimental to each other and you even compromised to come to an alternative. The alternative may not being you two together but don't you want each other to be happy with the best person for each other or do you somehow want to fight the tide of what's right or belongs to try and fit something that did not?

 

I think you're focusing on a some qualities and feel like that's good enough for it to be everything, but you're obviously overlooking some crucial and critical compatibility issues.

 

Now I think you're just in the phase of building this up into something so much more than what it is, making it this huge emotional collapse when It doesn't sound like things have been horrible, It just seems you've crossed the bridges you were supposed to, you've extended this as far as it goes.

 

I know a lot of people think that If you really love someone you hold them close to you and don't let them go where they must...and I'm sure you've learned that lesson in the past but you should find comfort in the fact that you're letting this person pursue their own happiness, and you have the right to it just the same. It doesn't mean you don't have to love or care about this person and pretend they never existed, It just means you know the road splits at this point and there's a time where you must travel alone.

 

I think you love each other, but not necessarily in love with each other. I think people like to say they have a great relationship in that respect, but ultimately two people who are in love with each other never want to let go, they never want to walk away because they're both working towards the same goal.