islandgal Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 I have been married for 7 years to a wonderful man. I appreciate him and the life we have made together. he has always been my rock, and I do appreciate being with him. we have pets, but no children. he is 13 yrs older than I am. I am 41. In the past few months I have become increasingly attracted to another man. I have been trying to keep my marriage and husband in the forefront of my mind at all times, and it's getting tougher & tougher to do. I don't want to lose the life and love that I have now. But I find myself drawn to this other man and thinking about him constantly. it's like I'm a 41 y/o teenager around him. I've tried distancing myself from him, even trying not to look at him when he's around. I don't want to catch him looking at me anymore, it just makes this much more difficult. we work together, but not closely. when I think about what it is that I would want from him, I vascillate between just wanting a sexual relationship w/him and really feeling loved and special by him. my sex life at home isn't that exciting, and for some reason my sex drive seems to be increasing dramatically. I've tried talking to my husband about this, but he is extremely uncomfortable with the topic. anyway, I know I'm not explaining myself very well. in a nutshell, I want someone I can't have, and even tho this may just be infatuation or a manifestation of what is lacking in my marriage, it still hurts and remains a daily struggle. I've never been attracted to another man like this since I've gotten married. the daily mental struggle is exhausting me. I don't want to hurt anyone! does anyone have any thoughts of how I can get past this? I've been wracking my brain to find a way to let this go, but nothing is working...
westrock Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 when I think about what it is that I would want from him, I vascillate between just wanting a sexual relationship w/him and really feeling loved and special by him. You're playing with fire. Instead of vascillating between those two options, choose a third option: focusing all that energy of what you want with this other person towards wanting those same things with your husband. my sex life at home isn't that exciting, and for some reason my sex drive seems to be increasing dramatically. I've tried talking to my husband about this, but he is extremely uncomfortable with the topic. You need to talk to your husband again no matter how uncomfortable he is with the topic. Suggest to him couples counselling. If he refuses, go yourself.
Author islandgal Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 thank you, Westrock, you are right. I've tried talking to my husband repeatedly about my dissatisfaction in the bedroom. I've tried approaching the topic from all angles - from very delicately (which literally gave him nightmares), to being completely blunt & honest (telling him that I'm having thoughts of extramarital affairs), which he didn't believe. He's not open to counseling about this, but I hadn't thought of going by myself. I guess I always thought that it takes both of us to fix this, so going alone wouldn't have much benefit. I'm willing to try anything at this point, tho. I've even been considering taking a leave of absence from work to get over this temptation.
Professor X Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Find a new place to work, I think that's the only thing you can do right now. 1
westrock Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Islandgal, Sadly, your husband is not helping matters. He either is in denial or naive of your dissatisfaction in the bedroom, or he is content with the way things are currently between the two of you. Whatever the situation, it is not healthy because you are not getting your emotional needs met. In the short term your idea of taking a leave of absence is a good idea. Long term wise, Professor X is correct, you should find a new place to work. This man at work is just a distraction to the real issue that your emotional needs are not being met at home. This man at work just happens to be there and he's giving you the illusion he can meet your emotional needs. You are already starting down the path of an emotional affair which if not stopped will lead to a physical affair. However, none of your husband's behavior justifies you having an affair. One of the reasons why people have affairs in circumstance such as yours is to subconsiously get their partner's attention -- nothing else has worked, the person is desparate, and usually an affair (once caught) brings everything to the forefront. It will definitely get their attention, but it may also destroy any hope of the marriage getting back on track. The other partner will typically proclaim they never saw this coming and put all the blame on the affair partner. In one sense they are correct, but in another sense, they also need to take some responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage. There are more healthier ways to deal with the situation than having an affair. If you are this dissatisfied and he refuses to address the issue, you would be better separating first or even ending the marriage instead of having an affair. However, that is not a decision you should make lightly and you are best to obtain professional advice to guide you. Ideally both of you should go to counselling, however, it's not necessary that both of you go, especially if he won't go. In that case, you should definitely go by yourself, for your own well being and to help you make the best decisions for yourself. You will find it beneficial for yourself. Do a google search for a therapist or psychologist in your area and make an appointment for yourself asap. There is a also a good book you might want to read. It is called "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage" by Dr. Willard Harley. You can find it at amazon. But you should still seek professional counselling. One of issues the two of you have is poor communications (whether that's his fault, yours, or a bit of both). As such, I don't think you need to hide it from him that you're going to get counselling. I would actually tell him that you are going and invite him to join you. Tell him he has a choice whether to come along or not and either way you will respect him, but he must then respect that you also have a choice and you've choosen to get counselling about the current situation which is no longer acceptable to you. That may be enough of a wake up call to him that something is definitely wrong and you are serious. It might even get him curious to start asking you questions and communicating more with you.
flyaway Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I'm going to go against the grain here and not tell you to change jobs. I don't feel that will solve the problem. YOUR needs aren't being met so really, this will happen again if you change jobs. You're looking for someone to be attracted to and for someone to meet your needs. This other guy is nothing special. If it weren't him, it would be someone else. no need to put yourself with work issues and trying to find a new job, only to be in the SAME situation. You need to get yourself into MC with your husband so you can work together to improve your relationship.
nofool4u Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 (edited) anyway, I know I'm not explaining myself very well. in a nutshell, I want someone I can't have, and even tho this may just be infatuation or a manifestation of what is lacking in my marriage, it still hurts and remains a daily struggle. What is lacking in your marriage? The fact your husband can't be someone different every other year, or younger? Or is it medical because of his age. If so, you know he can take the little blue pill. Or is the dissatisfaction due to you've simply been with H for a while and the newness has worn off? This is why I always tell people that age is NOT just a number and rarely do problems not arise when people marry with a wide age gap. People need people they can grow old with. It works out ok when both are still relatively young, but when one hits their early 40s and the other is getting close to being able to subscribe to AARP, thats when all hell breaks loose. I've never been attracted to another man like this since I've gotten married. the daily mental struggle is exhausting me. I don't want to hurt anyone! Then don't, its really that simple. Realize you are married and stop acting like a teenager. Marriage isn't for the fickle. does anyone have any thoughts of how I can get past this? There is no magic bullet to cure this. You just DO IT. You just get past it. If your H is loving and the wonderful man you say he is, I'm afraid it boils down you you just wanting to have sex with someone new. The idea is exciting to you. If you haven't told your H that you want to have sex with this guy, then maybe you should. That might give you the kick in the pants you need if he holds your feet to the fire. Edited March 26, 2012 by nofool4u 1
CZcer Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Dear Islandgal, when I read your post, it was like I was reading my own story... In my case, things are even more complicated since I have two children with my husband. But as you said, they don't believe us when we tell them about our not-fullfilled needs in bed... but as someone told you, there is no good excuse to cheat... the problem with me is that this other man I feel so attracted to, is my husband employee and he has his workshop at home, and yesterday I found myself alone with him... It took every ounce of strenght in me not to fall into temptation and do something else, but I long so much for a hug and a passionate kiss.... I hope sincerely things get better for you, plese let us know how you do... Take care
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