springblossom Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Hello everyone, I found this site and have read a lot of the posts and thought it would be a good place to ask some questions and gain some solid advice. A few months ago, I met a man online via a dating website. Without writting a novel, i will get to the point. Feel free to ask any questions to gain clarity. Almost 3 months has passed since we began talking online. We hit it off very well and quickly became very fond of each other, spending every free moment we had talking one way or another. It would be fair to say we have exchanged feelings. Both of us have a desire to meet. We have not yet met in person. However. This is where the hold up comes in. We live several hours from each other. Both of us have super great careers that neither of us care to change and the thoughts of changing them are a bit stressing. I am single and have no children and am in my early 40's. He is almost 50 and has a 8 yr old son and is divorced. His ex lives a few blocks away from him. I have not met her yet but from what I gather she is very controlling of his time where their child is concerned. The ex has a bf and is supposed to be getting re married this summer. A lot of times, I have been told to wait on phone calls because his son is with him and the ex will be arriving soon. Stuff like that. Besides the ex i get put on hold a lot because he needs to entertain his son, etc. I understand children come first, but sometimes it feels like the kid runs the show. or something? I could be a bit off base, as i don't have kids and cannot relate. But do have a ton of friends and family with kids that i play a role in. It seems like he is trying to keep his relatiohships secret from his ex.....but I could be wrong. It is just a gut feeling. I have asked him this and he says he could care less what she thinks. Another thing that bothers me, is when we first met online he told me about a lady friend he hangs out with from time to time, which he has no intimate connection. he has brought her up in a few conversations a few times and refers to her as the aunt to his son. Is that weird? He told me his ex wife didn't like her either as she felt it odd but accepted it as they had been friends since high school. Because of his sons shedule, he tells me he can only get together certain times (until he decides to introduce his son to me) and so between our work schedules and winter holidays away and such there has been only two weekends so far that have worked out for both of us. The first weekend that could have worked was only after a month of online talk and i just did not feel ready to spend a weekend together. He understood. Now...here is the kicker. This past week he told me this weekend works for him as his son is at his ex's for the weekend and tells me he would like me to come down for the weekend. I am still feeling hesitant, but mostly because of the fact if we hit it off i fear having to make career change or move (long distance relationships suck). I also must admit that I have never been serious with a man with kids and an ex and the thought of it bothers me. I have friends that have done the blended family thing and most times it was hell. Again, maybe being too judgemental but these are my feelings and life we are dealing with also, not just his and his sons. So anyways. I tell him i will consider coming to his place this weekend and would let him know later in the week. Later in the week came, and during the course of a phone conversation, he informs me that a buddy of his from another province called him and wants to meet for drinks friday night. He went on to say..."but i still want you to come down, we will only be a few hours so you could come later friday night or saturday morning". Something in the gut hit me. I have friends in his city so called one up and made arrangements to stay the weekend and hang out with the intention of going to meet this guy saturday. She suggests taking a drive by his place to see where he lives. At first there were some vehicles there and quite a few people inside. I decided what the heck and sent him a text asking how the visiting was going. Over an hour later i get a responce it was great and everyone just left and he asks what i was up too. I respond by saying i was wondering if he had any beer left for me. Another half hour later he replied yes of course. Immidietly, I say 'that is good because i have been in the city for two hours now".....assuming he would be thrilled i was there and invite me over. But instead....i don't hear from him again that night. On my mobile, i notice after i texted him, that yahoo messenger was logged out of on his home computer. Normally we talk every spare moment and we respond to each other right away. I have had no issues with texting him while being around friend or family and even did so while away on holidays. So what has me upset and to the point of ending this is the fact that so much effort he puts in when he is not busy. But this evening it was different. It is like he was avoiding talking to me and it felt like once i said i was in the city he bolted. This morning i get a text "oh are you really in the city...well i want to see you come visit me" and on and on. 12 hours later??? Seriously?? After he insisted i come down for the weekend....he has no time to text me back friday night to at least say "that is great honey lets hook up saturday". Instead i get no responce????? Now he plays the good guy and texts like nothing happened??? Several times he texted. I never replied not sure what to say or do. His last one said "onbviously you are not talking to me and i am sorry for what ever i did or did not do". And that is the last i have heard from him. My friend thinks i am crazy and that i need to forget about this guy and move on. I feel emotionally drained as i have really fallen for this man. Maybe i am being childish and irrational here.....but something does not seem right. The man is a real hot looker as well "pretty boy" if that matters. You would think a man in his almost 50's would not be that into parties and if was serious about a woman he claims he has feelings for he would at least make conversation with her via text if he had company or not. Especially since i told him i was in the city. Do i have a right to be upset? What do I say or do? Any good advice would be greatly appreciated
FitChick Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 I agree with your friend. This guy has other women on the side. He is divorced and wants to play. I wonder if it's his second marriage since the kid is so young. How can you have fallen for someone you've never met? He is only an acquaintance, a fantasy, a voice on the phone. You need to meet men in real life who are available and living nearby so you know what it's like to have a real date. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 He doesn't seem interested in having anything serious, he is acting out in man speak that he just wants you coming over in the middle of the night (which should be obvious what that means) and when it's convenient on his watch. But he's making it clear he has other "priorities" at the moment, the ex-wife is probably the only one that's going to come out of this situation on top, which who knows what he's put her through. You were right in your assessments...in fact you are being pretty smart about this whole thing, you're noticing and picking up the red flags, yet unfortunately as most women will do...they ignore them in the end. And men know this, It kinda builds there ego that you can't resist the fire even though you know it's going to burn, it makes them feel powerful and appealing, they know they're getting you wrapped around their finger emotionally. This whole issue you have with dating a man with a young kid and ex, well that is really something you need to pay attention to because it will be a factor in the even that it did continue on in one way or another...semi-exclusive type relationship I'm seeing at best here. I think you've both got carried away with this online, long-distance communication and you're really going way too far at this point in your imagination of what could come of it...emotionally you've already been swept but you're leaving yourself blind-sided to who this man really is....anyone can be anyone online, especially men. Also with chemistry, you really never know what can come out of that either...although the better looking a man the more magically of a coincidence she will feel "chemistry". If he really wanted to see you he would have jumped at the opportunity once he found out you were in town....I know that, you know that, everyone knows that...so what method of talking yourself out of that are you going to use?...he was just busy? he had other priorities? he was tied up? Now he's acting nonchalantly because he's testing you right now, he's seeing what you're willing to put up with and see how far you will bend....ALL men do this in the beginning, they want to see how you will react and how much they can get away with it. Let them get away with too much and you get knocked down a few pegs, of course they see the holes in their stories themselves but with women it comes down to whether they're actually willing to do something about it or just let it go and passively rollover for it and now a man knows he has the power. This guys 50 years old, he's no spring chicken and to display that level of naivety I mean c'mon...Is it naivety or he is just hiding something or being coy because he's trying to fit you into a little pocket into his life? His last one said "onbviously you are not talking to me and i am sorry for what ever i did or did not do". And that is the last i have heard from him. Lack of accountability and looks like he's going to play foolish. Now he's kinda shown his true colors, it really sucks because you look very invested and taken by him...you're ready to go. I just know that If you take that plunge this guys going to screw with you and your life and you're going to have to accommodate your life completely around yours...who do you think is going to be making the long trips because someone else can't because of their son? and this girl he calls Aunt? I mean c'mon, slap that in the face with the biggest red flag sign you can find...nothing going on? every mans famous last words! Look you're going to get nothing out of this deal other than what this man is willing to give you, you're going to be the one bending, you're going to be the one jumping through hoops and dealing with drama, and then It's going to be a triangle between the ex-wife, "aunt" and you...does that sound fun? I know you really like this guy, but listen to me as a man and your friends, the real people who know love you and get out before you become intimate with this guy and then he gets his hooks in you...then you're going to subjected to so much drama and It's going to feel like a waste of time in the end, because I'm sure you'll give a lot and do what you can to be with him while he keeps you at an arms length only allowing you in a certain portion of his life...you got It bad already, but there's still time to save yourself...It's not going to be worth it in the end. I hope you take a step back and look at what you're going to reap, imagine the big picture of all this crap coming together in your possible relationship, is that the life you really want for yourself? You do know this guy will never move for you? Not just because he'll use his son as an anchor, but because this guy doesn't sound like the type who's going to bend for you, I mean he can't even change plans to see you while you're in town and he hasn't met you, imagine after he's "used" to seeing you? 1
Author springblossom Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Ninja, Thanks so much for you responce. I wish there was a way of emailing members on here because your someone whom would be great to chat with. Thank you so much for your advice. A few weeks has passed. I have still not met him. And things seem to be tappering off. I've become more distant. I wanted to make dam sure this is something I want to go further with. Some advice I recently got from a valuable friend, was to toss this man a few wild cards and see how he reacts and than decide if you still want to meet him. So I did that. Basically, he has asked me to come down his way (a few hours) away each weekend. I've made excuses why I can't go and than with short notice, have told him I'd like to get together. He should come down and visit me. Never a go. He has excuses. Always his kid. This weekend he figured I sld come to him friday morning, but I told him I have family down for easter and it would work better if I came today. He said he had to go to his cabin tonight but wld meet me in the morning.....so tossed another wild card...and pressed for tonight saying I wld drive to the lake tonight and it would be fun. I got blown off and told he would text me later. I texted him and told him it was odd how he wants me down all the time so bad, but when I suggest something different than he has planned.....it never works for him. He says if I come down this friday he will for sure come my way next weekend. Somehow I doubt that.......as he has had every excuse not to come before. This whole thing has started really bothering me emotionally. I care about him (as odd as it sounds) but it is starting to feel like this isn't going to work. He clearly wants to wear the pants in this relationship. And honestly....I can't live with that. Question is...how to end it.....as the frienship has been magical......
salparadise Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 So anyways. I tell him i will consider coming to his place this weekend and would let him know later in the week. Later in the week came, and during the course of a phone conversation, he informs me that a buddy of his from another province called him and wants to meet for drinks friday night. He went on to say..."but i still want you to come down, we will only be a few hours so you could come later friday night or saturday morning". Something in the gut hit me. I have friends in his city so called one up and made arrangements to stay the weekend and hang out with the intention of going to meet this guy saturday. She suggests taking a drive by his place to see where he lives. At first there were some vehicles there and quite a few people inside. I decided what the heck and sent him a text asking how the visiting was going. Over an hour later i get a responce it was great and everyone just left and he asks what i was up too. I respond by saying i was wondering if he had any beer left for me. Another half hour later he replied yes of course. Immidietly, I say 'that is good because i have been in the city for two hours now".....assuming he would be thrilled i was there and invite me over. But instead....i don't hear from him again that night. On my mobile, i notice after i texted him, that yahoo messenger was logged out of on his home computer. Normally we talk every spare moment and we respond to each other right away. I have had no issues with texting him while being around friend or family and even did so while away on holidays. So what has me upset and to the point of ending this is the fact that so much effort he puts in when he is not busy. But this evening it was different. It is like he was avoiding talking to me and it felt like once i said i was in the city he bolted. What I'm trying to understand is whether or not you agreed to meet him on this Friday night, or if you just drove to the city unannounced and texted him after you got there and after you saw that he had company at his house? I think you're both being difficult and demanding to have everything on your own terms or not at all. If he asked you to come Friday night and you didn't give him an answer, and then he made other arrangements with a friend from out of town, how could you be upset with him over this? If he had a bunch of people over and didn't text you back immediately when you told him you were in town it's perfectly reasonable that he either didn't see the text until later or decided to not answer because you showed up unannounced and he wasn't prepared to deal with you at that time. Why don't you just quit playing games, arrange a time in advance that's agreeable to both of you, and go meet him? I will say, however, that it seems like the window of opportunity may have closed for the two of you because the frustration level is off the charts and neither of you has been willing to give an inch to accommodate what the other proposes... and you're reading a lot of negative stuff into it that may or may not be the case.
Author springblossom Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 Sal, A lot of what your saying is true. However.......I've had some doubts....gut feelings or intuition about this man....that he is not all what he appears to be. A few red flags have started popping up because of the time we choose to put in before a meeting. Which is worse? Prolonging a meeting and getting to know someone and with that, noticing things that would or could have taken a lot longer to notice given the fact intamcy clouds vision. Or rushing and meeting someone and getting emotionally roped in...and not noticing these things till it is to late? So, yes I went unannounced that friday as I wanted to see what he would do. I suppose you could call it game playing if you want. To me it was a gut feeling and I wanted to see if it was correct. He did admit afterwards, that he didn't want me there, as he didn't want his friends there, he would feel aqward and he wants me all to himself. To me that is not a very good answer considering he claims he has deep feelings. If myself were in that situation I would have gladly welcomed him as one of my friends.....as either I'm into him or I'm not. It should not matter if I had friends over. I wasn't expecting him to drop his plans....I just wanted to see how he would react. And got my answer. He is 50 and seems to be into the parties a lot. This is something I've become aware of. And not sure its a lifestyle I want on a weekly basis. I am in my 40's I'm not 14 anymore. When he has a day without his kid on the weekends and I invite him to come see me he always has excuses. Says he wants me for more than a few hours and prefers the whole weekend. He is always pressuring me to go there...but on his terms.....when and where works for him. So I suggested going tonight....neither of us work tomorrow. But he decided going to the lake was more important. Says he would be back in the morning and there was no point me coming out there. But why not? He really wants to meet but yet me coming to the lake isn't an option even though I'm offering to drive there? Again. On his terms. If he was driving three hours my way I don't think I'd dictate when his arrival would be. It would be great of him to come and I would welcome him any time. If he surprised me and came down without notice I'd be happy....not run and hide....which is what I feel like he is doing. Something just isn't right with this guy...... I think he is fixated on having a good roll in the hay all weekend....... Having me come to him makes it look like I'm asking for that to happen. Maybe the reason he won't come to me. As that would mean a long drive to not score. Before this man, I had been seeing another man I met online. Nothing serious. Just dinner dates. No intamacy. And he drove to see me (insisted) four hours away... took me to dinner and stayed in a hotel after....four times. There just wasn't a connection happening for me....and so it ended..... But what I'm trying to get at is.....the other showed genuine interest and was willing to put the effort in to see where it would go. There is good chemistry with the current man......but the effort doesn't seem to be happening......and like ninja said......I'd be changing my whole life to accomodate his.....which is already happening and we haven't met yet. To me it is a sign of things to come. And I'm glad I've waited so long before meeting.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 (edited) Ninja, Thanks so much for you responce. I wish there was a way of emailing members on here because your someone whom would be great to chat with. Thank you so much for your advice. A few weeks has passed. I have still not met him. And things seem to be tappering off. I've become more distant. I wanted to make dam sure this is something I want to go further with. Some advice I recently got from a valuable friend, was to toss this man a few wild cards and see how he reacts and than decide if you still want to meet him. So I did that. Basically, he has asked me to come down his way (a few hours) away each weekend. I've made excuses why I can't go and than with short notice, have told him I'd like to get together. He should come down and visit me. Never a go. He has excuses. Always his kid. This weekend he figured I sld come to him friday morning, but I told him I have family down for easter and it would work better if I came today. He said he had to go to his cabin tonight but wld meet me in the morning.....so tossed another wild card...and pressed for tonight saying I wld drive to the lake tonight and it would be fun. I got blown off and told he would text me later. I texted him and told him it was odd how he wants me down all the time so bad, but when I suggest something different than he has planned.....it never works for him. He says if I come down this friday he will for sure come my way next weekend. Somehow I doubt that.......as he has had every excuse not to come before. This whole thing has started really bothering me emotionally. I care about him (as odd as it sounds) but it is starting to feel like this isn't going to work. He clearly wants to wear the pants in this relationship. And honestly....I can't live with that. Question is...how to end it.....as the frienship has been magical...... Disneyland is magical too, but once you look behind the scenes and see the puppetry and realize that this is a fantasy, not a reality, then you'll realize that there's more to it and you shouldn't have taken it at face value. Because when it comes to depth, genuine and the biggest keyword for men "action" he is failing utterly and miserably, the only reason this is continuing is because you don't want to let go just yet, but this man has already shown his cards, and as more time goes on and you press him It just becomes all the more obvious and suspicious...how you even retain any level of trust or credibility must be completely created on your desire to believe, because he hasn't put in jack crap for effort when it counts for something real, even when you were in town in his face...that just tells you that he definitely has something else going on (granted he has a child) but he made absolutely no effort at all, instead he ignored you. You know, I can't make the sun any brighter for you than it is, It's already blinding to the eye after seconds. So regardless of how you try and twist it, and try to paint it nice, you're just essentially asking to be duped over at this point. If he has any sense he already realizes he has you in the bag, another reason It's not necessary to put on the effort, plus I'm sure he has others since this "charm" of his I can assure works equally well on others, not just you. Let me give you a bit of gold advice, men want you to fall in love with only an aspect of themselves, this is their best foot forward, because they know when you do that...the real person can sneak behind you and under the radar, and by the time you start recognizing the real man, you're already blinded and too far into the crap to get yourself out of it....right now It's like you're begging for this to happen, and not just you...the majority of women do this, even though they know better...It is an example of your desire to love and be loved, a shame it goes to waste on the wrong men. How to end it? Stop calling, stop contacting him, cut him off completely and move him out of mind and sight, or he's going to wheel you back in, he's already worked on you as it is...magically, you'll see a surge of action and chase by said man (which only further proves his games and desire for the chase) but IF you know what's good for you and care about your emotions and your future, then be the rare woman who takes a stand and says "this isn't good enough" in spite of how she "feels" then just ignore him and move on...If not...well, I'm sure you'll have no trouble following the tread and beaten path that many other women follow anyway. Make the best decision for yourself...or reap what you sow. Your emotions for him won't save you from being hurt and once he has you....you're done, in fact...avoiding him will likely save you from years of wasted time. If you follow the pattern here, you'll claim to want nothing to do with him...he'll make a move or single half-hearted gesture and you'll give him a chance because you want to believe and you're curious, you'll hook up together and everything that was said and done here will go out the window, you'll be like a robot on auto-pilot bending to his will....just to be with him, regardless of any rational reason or "injustice", then It'll be like you're under spell. After that the BS will come to surface, and then you'll start the back-pedaling process...depending on the woman this can take a short amount of time or very long. After giving you plenty of reasons to leave him then he'll either leave you or you'll eventually leave him (but not quickly because of your "feelings") and then you'll say how you'll never do that again with another man from now on....pretty sweet deal huh? Edited April 6, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 1
salparadise Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Something just isn't right with this guy...... If that what your intuition is telling you then I'd agree with Ninja, that you should just cut it off clean and don't look back. It's what my intuition is saying too but I'm only experiencing it through your filter. I did the online dating thing for quite awhile and here's what I found works best... when you connect with someone interesting, exchange a few emails to get a sense that things are on the up and up and then meet sooner rather than later. I went on a bunch of coffee dates after just a few emails and found out very quickly whether there was anything worth pursuing. You just can't afford to put that kind of time into someone only to figure out that it's a screwy situation or that there's just no chemistry between you. After nearly two years of no-gos I met my current girlfriend online. We talked on the phone the second day, and a week later I drove 500 miles to meet her. We hit it off wonderfully and have taken turns driving that distance ever since, seeing each other twice a month on average. BTW, we both are divorced with teenagers and half-time custody. We are completely open and honest and there is no tension or game playing. Gotta run as we have a call scheduled in just a minute. Online is great for finding prospects but it's a terrible way to try and develop or carry on a relationship. I made it a policy that if after about 3-4 days of emailing a woman wasn't ready to meet I just said a polite goodbye and moved on. It was a good policy and if I hadn't done that chances are I'd never have met the wonderful woman I'm seeing now.
Author springblossom Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 Ninja is awesome. I love his writing style and the thought that goes into his words. Ninja, if you care to exchange email addresses, bring it on. You guys are right. This has all gone on far to long. Also correct, its a fantasy, as we have not met. Add in the fact we live three hours from each other and I have a great job I don't wish to give up....... When another man drives for 4 hrs and insists he does it not me, doesn't expect sex, and continues to persue even though I don't give him the time of day......gives me a huge eye opener. The next one, seems like prince charming...... Don juan...and every other ideal thing.........but has his finger shoved up his *** and can't seem to get it out. Perfect assets or not. Add his age....kid.....ex....lord knows what else.....again....your right......I'm a sitting duck for ongoing drama and probably disappointment given the circumstances. I'm emotionally spent. I've had enough online bantering and texting. Quite frankly I'm bored of it. Probably why I've backed off this last while...... Right now I'm sure he is at the lake beer in hand strutting his pretty boy stuff.......with or without a group. He was hoping to sqeeze me into his busy schedule friday.....quick score.....and than attend easter brunch with the fam....or whom ever else is more important. I'm just done. And I guess that's why I came here. The writing has been on the wall for awhile now. And unlike the others you mentioned......I'm not going to that level. When he texts (and I know he will in the morning hoping I will get sucked in) I will simply tell him its over. And cut contact. I certainly appreciate everyones thoughts and comments. Maybe I will hang out around here for awhile......and make some quality friends. Tootles
Author springblossom Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 Further to my post last night, I was correct in my assumptions he would text. Here is the text. "Good morning. Hope you had a nice evening last night. ...in light of our last conversation i assume that you are staying in town this weekend? That being said i am leaving the lake soon* and if you feel like letting me explain i will be home around eleven and you can call then as i wont try and explain via text.* Hopefully youll call." I have not responded. Have no intentions of calling. Why is this so hard??? What actions (if any) do I take here?
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