In a dilema...any help at all would be amazing

[bamaguy20]

so youve heard my story before, you know the background......its been about a little over a month since weve spoken....with the exception of one time for 2 minutes......we ended things on a bad note, but over the past couple weeks i got a couple text messages from her sayign she misses me...blah blah blah...responded to an email she sent...basically telling her ill always love her but cannot be friends with her.....ive been trying to come off harder than i really am, deep down i know i want her back but im making it seem like i dont...and whoever wrote in that other post that no contact will make the girl contact you even when you dont think you will ever speak again....is completly right, thats exactly what happend...........NOW......id say im almost over her, i dont get sad at the thought of not being with her...i get a pissed off, nervous feeling in my stomach wen i think about her with other guys..thats really it..so i think for the most part i am over her......BUT...like i said, deep down i really would love to get back together with her..she was my first love and we were so close for so long.....with her starting to talk to me and be pleasant to me again..should i try for her one last time...ive already tried aftter we broek up numerous times, but that was before i gave things time and i was pressuring her...which resulted badly.......how much time should i give it now?..it seems like a month was enough...should i even try for her again at all??? I really want to be back with her, i just dont know what to do any help at all would be greatly appreciated

[Samson]

Sorry I didn't catch the rest of your story, but it so so remarkably similar to so many others that I think I can fill in the blanks.

 

I really want to be back with her, i just dont know what to do any help at all would be greatly appreciated

 

Based on this statement, I'm guessing that it has been your decision to not "be back with" her. So, why not.....ummm, do it?

 

Of what are you AFRAID?

Are you SCARED OF this girl?

Do you think you'll GET HURT?

Will this make you curl up into a fetal position and CRY?

 

I sincerely hope not. In fact I hope you read this, give her a call, and arrange for a day and night of wild, passionate, well I'm sure you can use your imagination.

[babydoll]

I dont know your story, but if you both want to be together then why not? Why the heck fight it. Oh course again I dont know your story, maybe one of you were extremely hurt before the ending.

 

I know I havent been much help but I beleive you cant fight fate.

[bamaguy20]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t39478/

 

i dunno mabye i gave you guys the wrong impression....she broke up with me, and i treid for the longest time to make things work out for us, and she wouldnt have it...she hurt me REALLY badly...and im finally starting to get over her like i said...i just dont know if i should go back and try to work things out now that its been am onth since weve spoken...or if that might make her feel "in control" again....and push her further away....????????????????????

[johan]

It think it makes sense for you to write her a letter letting her know how you really feel, sort of like you did here. But I wouldn't contact her otherwise. It would kind of suck for you to find out that she was scared to approach you about trying again because she believed you didn't want her back. On the other hand, you have to figure that if she wanted back, she probably wouldn't let that bother her. She'd have said something by now.

 

I would assume that you won't be getting back together. But write the letter so that you can feel better knowing that she made her decision with all the right information.

[bamaguy20]

you think i should write her an email....basically just telling her what ive told her so many times already????? althought i havent said those things ina month..do you think i should give it more time?

[rd1978]

listen i dont think you should be anything more than her friend right now,,, IF that i know your situation and im going torough the same **** .... she needs to know what the fu*k she has lost ,, you say your over her but ... your not... its just more comfortable ,, your going to have your good days and your bad day's... your also feeling more comfortable since she is saying i miss you etc. etc. so it makes yout think ,, that there is much more of a possibility of working things out,,, which it def sounds like there is but you cannot think that way,,,

 

Let me remind you of this first love thing,,, which is in my situation to... its really nearly impossible to only know and love and want to be with 1 person in a lifetime... the mind has to many curiosity's esp when you dont get to see someon that often ,, and girl sense to have a desire to be attracted to the dirbag loser type sometime,,,{ same situationas me } doesnt mean they want to have a ring on there finger , its something different ,, diferent kind of attitude etc. etc.

 

what i think is its ok to tell her how you feel to an extent,,, yes no contact does work in 2 way's... sometime's.. BUT here is the other thing,, this might not be the case but,,, most liekly she doesn NOT want to lose you because she is confused at this point in her life and staying in contact is her way of reasurring herself you are still around..... let her get the idea you are just fine without her ,, IT's not sexy or,, intreaging for her to know your there for her every waking moment,,, im sure youve read enough post's to know what to do.. BUt you also have to do what you feel just dont let the feelings override reality

[bamaguy20]

as always....great advice, and words of encouragment..thanks rd..you really help people see through tough times......like you said were both dealing with more less the same ****.....i really appreciate what you tell me...

[M38]

Hi - advice you shall have . It seems you are a very compassionate person - I think you will always miss her. Real love does this. Does the memory of the physical sensation (with her) give you pause? You have experienced this because of her. Don't leave her thinking you have bitter feelings

 

Call her in about a weeks time and let her know you wish things had not happened the way they did, don't say too much or to little. Don't set up a date - just allow her to miss you. She is responding to you she is telling you she misses you. I think she loves you and wants you back.

 

Do this: Give her a call and ask her directly does she love you? If she says no, then you have to bow out gracefully and say a final painful goodbye, your dignity intact.

 

If she thoughtfully, sincerely says yes, (and if you are both at least 25), I think you should go for it! Immediately ask her to marry you. Work out the details later. Just ask her! If you trust in your feelings for her it will encourage her to do the same. Rise above the drone, open up to her thoughtfully, Imagine yourself content and know that you are worthy of love, the kind that rocks your world. I think most of your fighting will stop.

 

Then again, maybe not

[M38]

Hi - advice you shall have . It seems you are a very compassionate person - I think you will always miss her. Real love does this. You have experienced this because of her. Don't leave her thinking you have bitter feelings

 

Call her in about a weeks time and let her know you wish things had not happened the way they did, don't say too much or to little. Don't set up a date - just allow her to miss you. She is responding to you she is telling you she misses you. I think she loves you and wants you back.

 

Do this: Let at least another week go by before you call again. This time and ask her directly does she love you? If she says no, then you have to bow out gracefully and say a final painful goodbye, your dignity intact.

 

If she thoughtfully, sincerely says yes, (and if you are both at least 25), I think you should go for it! Ask her to marry you. Work out the details later. Just ask her! If you trust in your feelings for her it will encourage her to do the same. Rise above the drone, open up to her thoughtfully, Imagine yourself content and know that you are worthy of love, the kind that rocks your world. I think most of your fighting will stop.

[bamaguy20]

good thoughts....but see the thing is....after we broke up she told me....ill always love you..im jus tnot in love with your right now...who knows if thats changed in the past month, but assuming it hasnt and i ask her if she loves me, and she says....i love you, but not in love with you..what does that mean..ive heard her say before, we arent right for each other right now, but someday down the road i could see us together....what sense do i amke of all that.......we are both only 20 and still in college so getting married right now, is a little soon.....however, if we got back together and things stayed solid for the next year and ahalf, i would most definatly consider proposing to her then...as we would almost be out of college...........does anyone ever find, that after you break up with an ex you were very close with, things work out down the line sometime????? do you think its possible that we both see other people while we are broken up now and come back together somewhere down the road????

[quyster]

Hey, remember me? I'm the guy who has the similar situation with you

 

Guess what, my ex-girlfriend came back and admits all her mistakes, all her bads, for hurting me. She can't even face me or herself now. She wants me to forgive and come back with her. After 3 months broken up.

 

I was as vulnerable as you were but I decided to forget everything and move on. Make myself believe that I already lost her. So I went on and date this very cute and pretty girl. Then my ex-gf found out. She suffered the fact that she can't lose me. Only then she would come down and would do anything to get me back. I was shocked and surprise.

 

3 months ago, all she was talking about is "i love u but not in love wit u, i need time n space, i need to find myself,...." Now, she talks about our future, talk about how she'd give me her all, be completely committed.

 

I hope u can use my story to help ur self.

[rd1978]

when they sense your waiting around ,,,, they will hold on to you balls, when they hear your with someone else or what not the reality kicks in,, i nedd my ex to see me with another girl she wont know what the hell just hit her,, i know her better than she thinks

[rd1978]

its also funny that when a girl has another guy interested they feel so good about themselves,, that they tend to forget there ex guy can go out and do the same thing,,, AND SHOULD DO THE SAME THING

[bamaguy20]

yeah...i think if she sees me or knows that i am with a nother girl, things will change dramatically for her........i just dont know how to give her that idea......???

[quyster]

I've been there, I know how hard it is to date another girl when u still love ur ex.

 

It takes time, you just have to put in your mind that you lost her already. Move on and date someone else. Don't go and tell her. Just wait, one day she will realize and come back. By that time, she would realize what she did.

[uriel]

There are some bottom line moments in relationships. This is one of them. You've told this girl repeatedly that you love her and want to be with her. Her saying she'll always love you but isn't in love with you is what women say when they want to move on. It's our version of letting you down gently.

 

This girl knows very well how you feel. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. Please accept that -- for your own sake. You say you are almost over her. Well, you're not. You're still holding on to hope.

 

When you give up hope, you're over her as much as you can be. Until then, consider her dangerous territory and avoid her. You're only going to be disappointed.

 

If she should one day change her mind out of the blue and come back to you, great. She's a big girl; she knows how to get back in touch. What is your contacting her going to do but tell her that you are still clinging to hope? That you're desperate? That you haven't moved on?

 

You can't say anything to make another person want you again -- especially not if she knows you as well as your girlfriend. She's had plenty of time and experience to know what she gets when she's with you. She knows your best days and your worst, or some of them. She knows how that makes her feel and whether it's what she wants in her life. She chose to walk away. That's the real hard fact you've got to face. It doesn't mean you aren't a great guy. It does mean she doesn't think you're the one she wants to settle down with -- or even to see longterm. And, think about it: that means she isn't the one for you. The one for you will get you and want to keep you by her always.

 

Guyster's not quite right on this one. They don't always come back after they break your heart. Even when they do, it's often to play mind games that end in pain for the original dumpee. Don't let anyone play with your heart. And don't you play with your mind. Given all that's gone before, I'm afraid I don't see a future with this girl.

 

Take care -- uriel

[bamaguy20]

Its not that im holding on and praying every night that we get back together..actually the opposite...i pray everyday ican get her out of my mind completly and finally.....but in a realisitic sense, this doesnt seem like its going to be it....shes changed a little bit the past months, but shes changed for the worse...that isnt the person shes always going to be, and i feel when she changes back shes going to go back to the same girl she once was.....and besides i was the first guy shes ever had sex with...i know that means something to girls because my girl friends i talk to about all this tell me so.......who knows mabye if or when she wants to get back, i wont want to...im not saying im dying to get back with her, although i would love to right now, i dont necessarily think its going to happen anytime soon, if at all...all im saying is, ive seen things before with many other couples who have been together a long time and broken up, they always seem to come back together....we had something really special and i dont see that completly fading away altogether...

[uriel]

Two follow-up points:

 

Why do you think she will change back to the way she was? Maybe this is the her she's always been deep down but was afraid to express. Maybe she genuinely has changed and likes the new her. These things can go many directions.

 

Yes, women do feel nostalgia / sentiment for the first guy they slept with, if they had feelings for him. That doesn't mean they hook back up with him -- especially if they left him. Women tend to hook back up with the guys who leave them -- not the other way around.

 

I'm sure you'll always have a connection at some level. You have a past together. I just wouldn't necessarily expect that to turn into anything except a conversation after more time has passed, if that.

 

I will say again that while you are holding on to that hope, you are still sailing a certain river in Egypt. Your writing back in to argue the point is typical of denial.

 

I wouldn't worry about that, though. Time and experience will help you to let go of this attachment. It's only natural to want her still -- even though you tell yourself you shouldn't. We've all been there.

 

-- uriel

[bamaguy20]

so then tell me..what do i do to get over her???? yes i know ive heard it..hang out with friends keep yourself busy........i have a ton of friends here at home and next year will be going to school with a good deal of them and have great oppurtunities for me to meet new people..i know all this..and im thankful..but really..what else can i do, to get rid of the knot in my stomach???

[bamaguy20]

really though...when i think abou tit.....the reason i get this knot in my stomach is NOT because i am not with her...but because i think about her being with other guys.........i love her, but i can easily live without her.......the thing i CANNOT live with right now is the thought of her hooking up with dating another guy.......and deep down i dont believe thats because i still love her as deeply as i did, i think it might just be a jealousy issue or not wanting anyone else to have something i no longer do..........what do you guys think?????? shouldnt those feelings go away sooner than if i were still kicking myself and all depressed about not being with her??? i feel very confident and excited about meeting a new girl(s) at school next year....im very hopeful......how do i get rid of this awful feeling though that comes up whenever i thinka bout her with another guy??????? mabye thast why i want to get back with her so bad, so no one else can have her...

[rd1978]

i totaly undeerstand where your coming from ,, you "broke this girl in" and you dont want another guy doing the thigns you 2 did,, that is understandable,, But another thing that has to be understood is that its vary rare for someone to only sleep with 1 person,,, sh*tty thaught but its reality,,, it bound to happen ,, your both young and curious,,, doesnt means he wont want to be with you sometime in the future ,, but you cant think that way ,, you have to think she doing her thing... I AM GOING TO DO MINE... and leave it at that time time time time time is the key word,, just relax there is no need to run off and find someone to replace her right away,, because it wont work your not ready yet..... would you have rahter rushed into somethign got a ring on her finger got married and then have curiosity's wander about an dhave her leaving you? def not ,,,better to get it out of your system now than later.....long distance relationships when your young usually doesnt work because of lack of maturity and curiosity's,,,, just leave it alone,, youll have your good days and you rbad one,, itll be alot more good one's in the near future,, what you need to focus on is yourself ,, your #1 priority,,, do things to improve yourself,, work on a better gpa,, work out more etc. etc. i know it aint easy im going thru the same crap,,, she has been calling me for the past 4 days and called me tonight , and we have had some really good conversations, i know she loves me but who knows if we will ever get backtogethor, im just trying not to sweat it,, just be thankfull when you want to go out with your friends your not going to see your ex out 75% of time time ,, and i had to see the b*tch holding his hand.. thats ok though i know most of the reason is because she wanted to make me jelious so good for her........

[bamaguy20]

thanks man...reading that made me feel better already

[uriel]

You'll feel better when you've slept with someone else to whom you are as attracted as you were to her. I hate to be that crude about it, but you're still attached to her sexually. That's why you don't want another guy enjoying her pleasures -- or, more accurately, her enjoying his.

 

Sometimes at a deep level this knot isn't made just of rejected feelings, but insecurities about what the other guy will do for her as well as whether you'll find that kind of powerful turn-on any time soon. She's getting it (potentially), you're not.

 

Of course, it's not just about sex. It's about all the other aspects that made this attraction as strong as it was. You're afraid she'll transfer that to some other guy. Here's the real consolation I can offer (and it isn't just that she's with him to make you jealous -- not everything in her life will be about you, if she broke things off):

 

Even sex with him wouldn't necessarily mean a transfer of her admiration and affection. As you say, she gave her virginity to you and loved you. That's not something that's easy to find. Even if she does eventually find that with someone else, it won't be the same as it was with you. Every love is different. Only you can give her what you did. Maybe she doesn't want that, but it's not open to tampering or replacement.

 

Time will help. You'll find another girl who rocks your world. Until then, the usual advice is all you've got. You need to avoid news of her, too -- to keep these thoughts from preying on your mind. At this point, no news is a very good thing.

 

-- uriel