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Taking responsibility for the recurring issues in my relationships


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Now I am much more myself, and I feel like it attracts more of the same kind of person (this goes for friends, too.)

 

What do you mean? As in you now attract people who are more like you, i.e., independent?

Posted (edited)

Well, this is another thought on this....

 

If you spend more time with them early on to impress them, and then you cut back on that because that's more who you are, then to the other person, that feels like you are pulling back to the other person. I mean, I think that, as the relationship goes on, we ought to be spending at least as much time together as before, NOT less.

 

So it might not be the guy, it really could be all you. I mean, say I meet a girl and she is eager to spend 3 days a week with me. And then after a few months, after I invested a lot into this, she is cutting back to 1-2 days a week when (far as I can see) nothing has changed with her life. Then I'd feel somewhat duped by the girl. See, she represented herself one way and then it turns out that she is someone else. Or she is losing interest. From my vantage point, what else could it be?

Edited by Imajerk17
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Posted
Well, this is another thought on this....

 

If you spend more time with them early on to impress them, and then you cut back on that because that's more who you are, then to the other person, that feels like you are pulling back to the other person. I mean, I think that, as the relationship goes on, we ought to be spending at least as much time together as before, NOT less.

 

So I should make sure that I don't mislead them when it comes to spending time together at the beginning.

 

Actually, now that I think of it, the problem comes when they want to spend more and more time with me and they cross my threshold. Then I get cranky, want to be left alone, am not in the mood for sex and the whole thing gets out of proportion. I also easily over look my own need for space because a part of me finds it easier to just hang with them.

 

Lesson to learn: when I reach that threshold, I must insist on time apart.

 

Saw edit: it's not that I'm misrepresenting myself. It's that I reach my saturation point before they do.

Posted (edited)
So I should make sure that I don't mislead them when it comes to spending time together at the beginning.

 

Actually, now that I think of it, the problem comes when they want to spend more and more time with me and they cross my threshold. Then I get cranky, want to be left alone, am not in the mood for sex and the whole thing gets out of proportion. I also easily over look my own need for space because a part of me finds it easier to just hang with them.

 

Lesson to learn: when I reach that threshold, I must insist on time apart.

 

Saw edit: it's not that I'm misrepresenting myself. It's that I reach my saturation point before they do.

 

Isn't that the point of a relationship though? Not joined at the hip, but I myself am dating to find my life partner, and "spending more and more time" with the other person seems to me to be perfectly natural.

 

EDIT: You almost sound a tad cold to be blunt. Unless these guys DO want to be joined at the hip--then they are annoyingly needy.

 

If you are not looking for a life partner, that's cool, but you need to let these guys early on know how you deal. Some guys might be fine with it, some might not, and these guys need to be let go.

Edited by Imajerk17
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Posted

 

If you are not looking for a life partner, that's cool, but you need to let these guys early on know how you deal. Some guys might be fine with it, some might not, and these guys need to be let go.

 

I am looking for a life partner. I'm just not looking for one that wants to spend all of his time with me. Ideally, the guy would be happing spending time working on whatever suits his mojo in his office while I entertain myself with a cooking experiment in the kitchen.

 

I really don't think that's so much to ask.

 

I tried being upfront about my need for downtime with the last guy. It kind of worked for awhile but then, all of a sudden, it seemed like there was never enough I could do to prove to him I liked him. In this case, I believe it was mostly career related. The more it became clear I wasn't going to quit my job, the more our relationship devolved.

Posted
I am looking for a life partner. I'm just not looking for one that wants to spend all of his time with me. Ideally, the guy would be happing spending time working on whatever suits his mojo in his office while I entertain myself with a cooking experiment in the kitchen.

 

I really don't think that's so much to ask.

 

 

I don't agree with you. And I think most guys feel the same way.

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Posted
I don't agree with you.

 

Really? You want to spend every waking hour that you're not at work with your significant other?

Posted

I really think you need a relationship coach. I'll bring my whistle and we can run relationship drills. You'll call me coach. "Am I doing good coach" "oh yes keep going you've almost reached it."

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Posted
Really? You want to spend every waking hour that you're not at work with your significant other?

 

I couldn't deal with that. I want independent people. Sometimes it just happens. Spending every waking hour just happens. You two are out of phase and sometimes it happens.

Posted
Really? You want to spend every waking hour that you're not at work with your significant other?

 

No, not every waking hour, but I think more time than you are OK with.

 

To sum, you might have to screen harder for neediness, BUT you might also want to reconsider if what you are looking for is "unreasonable".

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Posted
No, not every waking hour, but I think more time than you are OK with.

 

To sum, you might have to screen harder for neediness, BUT you might also want to reconsider if what you are looking for is "unreasonable".

 

I'll take it under consideration.

Posted
I don't agree with you. And I think most guys feel the same way.

 

Every guy I've ever dated has been the way Kam described in that post.

Posted
I'll take it under consideration.

 

Especially because you spend so much time at work. I might sound old-fashioned, but I don't want to come in second to my partner's career. No guy does.

 

When I was born, my mom stayed at home for a few years to raise me and support my dad's career. Both of my grandmothers did likewise with their husbands. I know this is a different time, but just as we men are expected to take the lead in asking women out, we expect you to put us first in a serious relationship.

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Posted

hmmmmmm. I think it's just normal when you get tired SOMETIMES of making love with your partner because your so busy at work. But dont make it a habit that your bf is also getting tired waiting for your sexual response. It might be he'll find someone else.

 

Guys need romance, I dont know why. HAHAHAHAHA. but that's their 'need'. ;)

Posted
I don't agree with you. And I think most guys feel the same way.

 

This guy, me, doesn't agree. Granted I like spending time with my SO but not to much time. I couldn't deal with 24/7 everyday or the first thing coming home is the "honey do list" :rolleyes: Give some space and just be within the vicinity.

 

A needy person is very tiring.

 

For Kam:

I think the best is a zone or a man / woman cave. When one of you is in the cave, you guys get time alone to work on your hobbies, watch the game, or whatever. You're more settled in your career and quite honestly could and may have an office area in your living space.

Posted
Anyone who would date you is a ****ing *******.

 

Yup, a really lucky ****ing *******. ;)

 

(At least HE thinks so! :p)

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Posted

For Kam:

I think the best is a zone or a man / woman cave. When one of you is in the cave, you guys get time alone to work on your hobbies, watch the game, or whatever. You're more settled in your career and quite honestly could and may have an office area in your living space.

 

That sounds amazing! :bunny: I would love that kind of set up to be honest.

 

Star, you say most of the guys you meet are happy with the type of relationship I described (we both enjoy spending time by ourselves and then meeting up later in the evening). Do you have any tips on what to look for in a guy?

 

And missyme, I agree, ex ex kept complaining I wasn't romantic enough. The last ex and I shared the same approach to romance: we would joke around and play together. That was fun, and something I'd like to reproduce. Our approach to romance seemed to match.

 

But to all who imagine I starved these men of sex: We never ever went for more than 3 days without sex. And that was at the time when I was most fatigued after working 23 days straight. My exes got upset if we skipped a day. A DAY!

Posted

A completely different explanation:

 

 

 

Amazon.com: The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love (9780452288188): Paul Dobransky: Books

 

You might like this book. Anyway, the author, who is a board-certified psychiatrist, divides personality types into 4 quadrants:

 

--Left-Brained/"Nuturing"; (e.g., computer programmers, scientists, "nerds")

 

--Right-brained/"Nurturing"; (e.g., poets)

 

--Left-Brained/"Confident"; (e.g., lawyers, military)

 

--Right-Brained/"Confident" (life of the party).

 

These are slight over-generalizations and we all have a mix of personality types, but most of us have one that dominates. Anyway, Kamille and Star-Gazer, you both strike me as Left-Brained/"Confident".

 

We tend to go for our opposite personality type, which means that you "tend to" go for Right-brained/"Nurturing" types, who can be a little needy.

Posted
That sounds amazing! :bunny: I would love that kind of set up to be honest.

Someone once asked the same question you asked about independence and space.

 

Well my prior relationships had parallels. The problem in mine was we were both in one bedroom apartments or studio apartments. It is VERY hard to not be in each other's way in a small space. A 600 square feet apartment is ok for a single guy but not enough for two adults. I think being squeezed into a tiny place contributed to the relationships' failure.

 

The thing now, I have a house and space is really not an issue. Being stuck in a closed environment can be annoying. You get annoyed when something is to cold, hot, something knocked over, getting bumped, whatever.. or worse yet, your SO looking at you or looking bored.

Posted
Star, you say most of the guys you meet are happy with the type of relationship I described (we both enjoy spending time by ourselves and then meeting up later in the evening). Do you have any tips on what to look for in a guy?

 

Well, I haven't ever really had to look for that type of dynamic or a guy who wanted that type of dynamic - it just was always the way it was. I guess the common denominator of all of them was that they each enjoyed their own company, weren't looking to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship (were not insecure), and had their own stuff they really enjoyed doing and wouldn't want me to infringe upon (and thus in turn extended me the same).

Posted

I just saw this. I'm not SG but hopefully my input will help.

 

I look for outside hobbies/activities in my SO. You can infer if they will be stuck to you 24/7.

 

Star, you say most of the guys you meet are happy with the type of relationship I described (we both enjoy spending time by ourselves and then meeting up later in the evening). Do you have any tips on what to look for in a guy?

Posted
Somehow missed this question. I think it links to Imajerk's last comment so I'll answer both in one go.

 

Basically, before, my relationships all started as flings. It was like: Well I'm only here for a limited amount of time, but I like you, so let's see where this goes. I wasn't really focused on relationship material. Thinking a guy was relationship material usually came after we were really really into each other.

 

I'm really hoping this pattern will change. The way I see it, I can no longer throw caution to the wind.

 

Your posts feel as if I had written them. I think overall you underestimate how well people can read you.

Posted

I grew up with a needy and clinically depressed father and a 'narcistic' and cold mother. My parents are divorced and my mother has been unable to hold down long term relationships (my father is dead) because she is always looking for a way out. Eventually the men get fed up with that. Do you feel OP that you are always looking for a way out? Is prioritising your career an excuse?

 

I have spent years dating needy men, not so much because my father was one but because I wanted to avoid being like my mother, I wanted to avoid being the kind of person who didn't get involved fully in relationships. Needy men make you involved, they suck you in. I think I have learned since (and thank you for this thread as well!!) that being independent is not the same as being commitment phobic - which is what I feared it was.

 

It is incredibly draining to be with those that seek constant validation, especially as many of them don't listen to your solutions when you are trying to make them feel better. They just want the attention or they overcompensate.

 

Their attraction is also easier to spot than an independent man's, they require less work in the beginning from the 'does he like me, doesn't he like me' point of view.

 

Now I have started training myself to work out men who are not so expressive from the start, perhaps this will mean making a fool of myself in the beginning when I get their interest level wrong but I think they have better long term potential as carhill said.

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Posted

 

 

It is incredibly draining to be with those that seek constant validation, especially as many of them don't listen to your solutions when you are trying to make them feel better. They just want the attention or they overcompensate.

 

Their attraction is also easier to spot than an independent man's, they require less work in the beginning from the 'does he like me, doesn't he like me' point of view.

 

Now I have started training myself to work out men who are not so expressive from the start, perhaps this will mean making a fool of myself in the beginning when I get their interest level wrong but I think they have better long term potential as carhill said.

 

Thank you Emilia. Very practical advice on the issue.

 

I think I also have some underlying insecurities about being attractive enough. These mean that I am put at ease when their attraction is easy to spot.

 

I'll focus on training myself to work out men who aren't expressive. I have no issues with making a fool of myself.

Posted
I tried being upfront about my need for downtime with the last guy. It kind of worked for awhile but then, all of a sudden, it seemed like there was never enough I could do to prove to him I liked him. In this case, I believe it was mostly career related. The more it became clear I wasn't going to quit my job, the more our relationship devolved.

 

The last one was a LDR, right? I think it's harder to find balance with time and priorities in a LDR, and LDRs also can't really be indefinite. Neither you nor that guy seemed to make it a priority to get to where the other person was living -- so I'd say part of this was likely just the nature of a LDR.

 

Will you need to move again soon or are you pretty much settled?

 

In terms of having a dynamic where you spend some time together and some time apart, that sounds reasonably easy to manage to me as well, though I have a few questions you might want to consider:

 

1.) Are you looking for time to do your hobbies that is distinctly alone or are you willing to include him sometimes if he is interested?

 

2.) How much "alone time" do you need?

 

3.) How strict are you about getting it at the exact moment you want it?

 

4.) Does all this alone time need to be in completely different rooms and completely alone? (For instance, if you're doing your cooking thing, and he's in the living room doing his thing, and he talks to you every once and awhile during it, are you infringed upon?)

 

But to all who imagine I starved these men of sex: We never ever went for more than 3 days without sex. And that was at the time when I was most fatigued after working 23 days straight. My exes got upset if we skipped a day. A DAY!

 

When I'm working my long days/straight runs, hubby understands it's a bonus (for both of us, not implying just for him!) if I feel up to having sex. I often do at the beginning, but towards the end, there's just no way I physically can. I come home and all I want to do is sleep. I get up at 4AM and it starts again. I still have schoolwork for the PhD during that time too. To be honest, during the last run for the winter camps, I slept in our guest room for the 12 days of the camp so we weren't waking each other up. I made sure to make at least an hour a day for hubby, and we often ate a quick dinner together (early because I went to bed early), but I think someone who won't give you slack when you're truly busy is definitely too needy.

 

At the same time, I think someone who always has to function as though they're busy and put the relationship behind many other things in their life is unwilling to let someone in to the degree that a relationship can happen. So, it's a balancing act.

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