GirlWonder Posted June 13, 2004 Posted June 13, 2004 I am so devestated right now. I have been daing a guy from work for about 6 months. Things have been going great - Ive never been in love before and this relationship just felt magical. Anyway, i was at work today and saw that he had left his computer on. I stupidly had a look through his emails (I know it was wrong, and I should not have done it - but it's done). To cut a long story short I found out that he has been seeing another woman for about 4 months, and he moved into her place about a month ago. We had rarely gone to his place to begin with because he had an irritating flatmate, so I never suspected the move. The emails were all so lovey-dovey and some extremely explicit. She knew things about him that he had told me he only ever told me; he had been with her on weekends he claimed to me he was away with friends; a lot of invites from his friends were addressed to the two of them (I only saw his friends rarely); and he had even sent her information to help her at work that I compiled thinking it was for him. I am just so shocked and completely shattered. I have been living a lie this whole time. Worse is that we work next to each other and I will have to face him knowing that he has betrayed me and rejected me. I can't confront him and don't want to - he would use my snooping against me and I dont think I could compose myself. I don't think he could tell me anything that would make it all okay anyway. My plan is to just ice him out; reject his advances and behave only in a professional manner. I would rather him always wonder than feel sorry for me. I just don't know how I am going to do it - how I can remain calm when I feel like I am about to die inside. Please help me guys, I need all the support and advice I can get.
Tony T Posted June 13, 2004 Posted June 13, 2004 When this sort of thing happens to you, you have to take some of the responsiblity. If you never go to his place, are not free to call him at his home, and spend a lot of nights alone while he is inexplicably detained elsewhere....these are the signs of a cheating partner found on page one of the detecting cheating partners handbook. Now, to your question. I like your idea of freezing him out. However, do it in such a way that you drive him nuts wondering exactly what is going on and what you know. Don't make it look obvious that you are angry. When he asks to see you, simply tell him you're busy. When he calls, tell him you appreciate his call but you must go. If he sends you Email, answer with a friendly one liner saying "thank you for your Email." If any communication is related to business, resolve the business situation fully and conclude it right there. I'm glad you did not suggest any kind of vengeance. Far better is to make him wonder and suffer not knowing what you know. Because he is involved with someone else, he will fear that's what you know and he will never, ever ask you what's going on for fear you will tell him exactly. If by chance he does ask you what the problem is, tell him your psychic friend advised you he is living with another woman at this time and therefore your interest in him is no more. But keep all your replies to him normal, matter of fact, and businesslike without emotion. This will drive him up a tree.
GirlWonder Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Thank you for your response, Tony. You're right - I was stupid and naive. This was my first 'real' relationship and I never imagined in my wildest dreams he would lie to me. DUH! I was really unsure of how to approach this situation but with your support for the ice plan, I am confident about how to best go about ridding him from my life. I was toying with the idea of having a massive break down in front of him but now I know it would be better to keep the tears to myself and be Miss Cool in front of him. It will be so hard. And I really so badly want him to know that I know. I just hope I can do it.
suzyq2 Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 I am going through the same thing and I think i will heed their advice also. Some men are all about sex. I feel for you and I think that you will do just fine, just be careful, he sounds like he's very good at what he does and if you don't watch it he'll draw you back in. My scum bucket could talk the pants off of a nun. and everytime I get over him he draws me back. I feel so pathetic. Women can be strong!!!! If you have vacation time take it so you have time to heal. Good luck
reasontosigh Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 This was my first 'real' relationship and I never imagined in my wildest dreams he would lie to me. DUH! No need to be so hard on yourself. Given that this was your first, it's a natural enough mistake. No shame in that. Learning the hard way stinks, but if you learn from the mistake you'll be fine. Remember this - it's one of my favorite sayings: "Time wounds all heels". Your plan is a good one, and Tony's given you an excellent manual for its execution! The vacation idea is a good one too. Good luck.
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