alexa137 Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 ok, the same guy ive been dating off and on for 10 months has spent more time with me lately and ive noticed more of an effort to see me more, but last night when he came over for dinner, it was great, i was in heaven! I got a foot rub(etc..) exactly the way I wanted it to be! UNTIL ......he mention he went to the movies recently!- I was shocked and hurt! first of all since I know his schedule and text with him almost every day and or night that I am assuming that he went with another woman I kinda pulled away from him rubbing me(arm) and had to hold back my tears, and I think he sensed something was wrong, b/c i got quiet-after a few mins he asked whats wrong and i just said i was tired(it was midnight) at that point I just wanted him to leave!(and thats not like me! I love this man and wish to be with him as much as possible) I also had to bite my tongue from not asking who he went with! I just asked- oh so when did you go to see 21 jump st? he just said a few weeks ago-(well i think it just came out last weekend) so the more i thought about it the only night that he didnt respond to my texts were last sun, which was also the day i invited him over for dinner, and he said prob not b/c he was going over his cousins!(hmmm...) putting the pieces together now! i got a text the next day, that just said, sorry I fell asleep last night! so as i put it all together, 1) he possibly lied and 2) he prob is dating other women! I so hope that he is not having sex with them! You see ive been wanting be his girlfriend since may! now i dont want to piss him off but I also have alot to say! basically either be mine or leave me alone! Im seriously too old for games! ive been ready to settle down for 10 yrs! and I know hes the one! NOW my question is , can i say anything or ask anything to this to find out without sounding mad or making him think im crazy!????? I just want to say if you are seeing anyone else then leave me alone! but its so hard, b/c hes not the kind who says his feelings and when you bring up the subject hes quiet.
make me believe Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 So you've been dating this guy for 10 months and you "love" him but you guys haven't had the exclusivity talk yet?? I would say that's a pretty obvious sign that he's not serious about you. Why didn't you just ask him who he went to the movie with instead of getting all crazy and making all of these assumptions? You say you are too old to be playing games, but you ARE playing games, and honestly you sound really young and immature. If you can't talk to him about something as simple as who he went to the movies with, AND you apparently have no idea if he's dating other women besides you, AND you've been wanting to be his gf for months but he's made no effort in committing to you... he is not "the one." Come on. You need to look at reality. I would bet money that he's dating and having sex with other women. You're fooling yourself if you think this "relationship" is going to turn into something more.
Author alexa137 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 The reason why i didnt ask is because i know most men will get mad about that kind of questions! am i right? i think so we havent dated 10 mths straight, we dated may-aug then broke up started again nov-dec and then again last 2 months- the 2nd time was more of just a sex thing, it wasnt alot of going out if you know what i mean- he knows already how i feel, ive told him and ive emailed him, believe me he knows! i told him in dec that i couldnt keep just "having sex" with him i needed more and until someone can give me that i'm done with men! now recently he had made more of an effort in the "dating' scenario-dinner, out for drinks, invited me over for dinner(with his son) he visited to play wii(with his son) etc...more texting also I think asking him who he went to the movies with will really piss him off and he will prob stop contacting me he is one of those kind of men(the majority) who dont like to be asked what they do with other people and i am assuming(which i usually do in a bad way, negatively) that is was a woman b/c what man would go to the movies with another dude or his son(hes 5) and all his friends are married or have girlfriends. yes i would love to know ( iwas biting my tongue) but i dont want to jeopardize our relationship b/c he is the only guy that makes me happy and smile
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 The reason why i didnt ask is because i know most men will get mad about that kind of questions! am i right? i think so we havent dated 10 mths straight, we dated may-aug then broke up started again nov-dec and then again last 2 months- the 2nd time was more of just a sex thing, it wasnt alot of going out if you know what i mean- he knows already how i feel, ive told him and ive emailed him, believe me he knows! i told him in dec that i couldnt keep just "having sex" with him i needed more and until someone can give me that i'm done with men! now recently he had made more of an effort in the "dating' scenario-dinner, out for drinks, invited me over for dinner(with his son) he visited to play wii(with his son) etc...more texting also I think asking him who he went to the movies with will really piss him off and he will prob stop contacting me he is one of those kind of men(the majority) who dont like to be asked what they do with other people and i am assuming(which i usually do in a bad way, negatively) that is was a woman b/c what man would go to the movies with another dude or his son(hes 5) and all his friends are married or have girlfriends. yes i would love to know ( iwas biting my tongue) but i dont want to jeopardize our relationship b/c he is the only guy that makes me happy and smile You're ridiculously insecure for going through all of this with this guy, he's basically doing a textbook "stringing along" situation. Most men get mad about those questions when they aren't serious about you and don't want to answer them because obviously they don't feel the same way? what don't you get about that? If you stole something, and you wanted to lie and I started asking you questions about the place in question and you knew you were there but didn't want to admit it...you wouldn't necessarily want to talk much about it now would you? you might even lets say...avoid the questions and try to get over the conversation or react agitated or angry...hmmm? You're obviously stuck in your own world, someone that goes on and off with a guy for 10 mons is obviously willing to get put through the ringer with a man and want to believe all these little insignificant lies so that she "hopes" that this guy will come around and want to settle for her one day...It's very common, as men we get this quite often, so I'm not sure why you think what you're giving him is "special" when he's probably got a few other girls on the line he's making feel the same way...and you think he's not having sex with him...I mean really now? You think he's just playing a game of chess when he goes out with these girls? You think these girls are not "putting out" for mr casanovas signature foot rubs and smudge of what you can "effort" on his part to be with you? You think he doesn't treat every other girl with the same bull**** he does to you? You gotta wake up and get a clue, your needs and emotions are what is stringing this relationship along because you're just an easy target that he needs he can fall back on for sex....why? because you've showed that you're willing to pussy foot around him and that he doesn't have to take you seriously or risk any serious repercussions because basically you're too "scared" to burst this little bubble because you hope that will make him want to be with you? I'm sorry but you're enabling this guy to screw with you and screw you at the same time. You're being accommodating even though you know he's lying to you about things, you're bending backwards and putting a little fire under his ass to try and make him commit. But he doesn't respect you! because men don't respect women that let themselves get dragged around like an old blanket. That's why the women who are "bitches" get chased after, because just like women want a nice guy to have a backbone which usually gets called an "*******", men want women who have confidence and don't put up with just anything and are usually called "bitches" for it. I guarantee you he's lying to you, this is textbook what he's doing to you and it's typical of you to just sit there and cling on like a cub to It's mother because you don't want to let go. In fact you really don't even know this man because he doesn't even talk about his feelings...why? uh oh, If you've learned anything from above, It's because he doesn't want to talk about those feelings or lack thereof! ding ding ding!. If you're too old for these games, then stop playing them! you can't control what men do but you can control what you're apart of, so stop acting weak and just piddle paddling around this guy from a mans point of view that's just going to make him lose respect for you and continue to use you, because he can buy time with empty promises and bull**** words that never get fulfilled. Stop being the victim, have some respect for yourself, make some demands and If you want to make sure men aren't stringing you along then get some ovaries and press men for answers to questions! Find out the truth, stop manipulating yourself and letting him so easily do so. The guys broken up with you several times, what do you think he wants..it means he doesn't really care. You don't want to ask him and "jeopardize the relationship" even though it doesn't even exist anyway, because you know you don't want to know the truth and the truth is you should move on! He's not the one because he doesn't "feel" the same way for you...doesn't that matter to you or is this just a one sided "romance"...the man isn't even giving you the real him...he's kept that reserved from you, you've fallen in love with an exterior shell of a man.
veggirl Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Wow, what a mess. Why are you doing this to yourself? He knows you are crazy about him, but he is doing nothing to "keep" you--he's doing the bare minimum to get sex/companionship, but why hasn't he taken the step to exclusivity to make you his? Because he doesn't want you as a girlfriend. He wants you as a Fk buddy. How old are you both? No, I don't think many men would be angry at a woman who asked "oh who'd you go with?" when he says he went to the movies. Unless, of course, he has something to hide (another woman), which clearly he does. So, here's the bottomline, it's basically guaranteed he is dating other women. What do you want to do with that information? Pussyfoot around and hope you get what you want? Or ASK for what you want (like a grown up) and be prepared to walk if you don't get it? I agree that the idea this guy is "the one" is laughable. I would think "the one" would be a guy who is crazy about you, who prioritizes you, a guy who wants to be with you and ONLY you.
Author alexa137 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 im 41 hes 36 ugh! why is this so hard to let go! i guess mostly b/c the majority of the men i meet are losers! andi can say i have met 22 men, either from dating sites or tagged or facebook etc.. and none of them want what i want! or they have baggage-i dont want to date a man with 5 kids by 4 diff baby mamas! they are either not my type or dont turn me on! this guy has the whole package(literally) men are so mean and dont have the brain like women do! they dont have feelings or dont think straight or right! they dont care they dont know how to have feelings or care! in my 20 some years of dating ive never had a real serious relationship or boyfriend( you can check out all my other problem with men posts!) they are many! is too damn hard to find a man that you are attracted to with good qualities AND that want more than sex! there are more things to do than that! PLEASE!
HeartOnSleeve Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 You are going to be waiting another 10 months for him to come around and then probably another. I've been there and done that and it took a year and it sucked even more to let go then. It never gets easier. But you will better yourself for moving on. Sorry!
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 (edited) im 41 hes 36 ugh! why is this so hard to let go! i guess mostly b/c the majority of the men i meet are losers! andi can say i have met 22 men, either from dating sites or tagged or facebook etc.. and none of them want what i want! or they have baggage-i dont want to date a man with 5 kids by 4 diff baby mamas! they are either not my type or dont turn me on! this guy has the whole package(literally) men are so mean and dont have the brain like women do! they dont have feelings or dont think straight or right! they dont care they dont know how to have feelings or care! in my 20 some years of dating ive never had a real serious relationship or boyfriend( you can check out all my other problem with men posts!) they are many! is too damn hard to find a man that you are attracted to with good qualities AND that want more than sex! there are more things to do than that! PLEASE! If you've had that kind of luck with men, don't you think it's time to look in the mirror? You are attracted to these kind of men...you engage with them before even knowing an inch of information about them...you don't go through 20 years of dating without attributing to the problem...let's be for real, what are your issues here? you think because you determined you wanted to settle down you just drive down the street pick up the man with half ass qualities and tie the knot? Oh I'm sorry, obviously the "qualities" that you desire from men are obviously exterior qualities...I mean trustful, sincere, accountable, committed and obtain a shred of integrity must be non-existence on your list of desirable qualities you look for in men If you're willing to look at this fool as the "perfect man"...perfect man to whom? because he's obviously not the perfect man to you. It's like you sat down one day and saw a romantic movie and decided that you wanted the "guy" in that movie...yet you didn't realize that this person is just a "character" and what you're watching is just a movie. Yet you think that's how loves supposed to be. Unless you change the way you select men, and reflect on your own issues that send you on those wild tangents of drama with men who want nothing to do with you then you're pretty much involved in a vicious cycle. I haven't read your previous posts or remember you but by just viewing this post I can tell you are weak, you bend over backwards, you let men get what they want for free and then you wonder why he isn't left committing. You don't respect yourself so why are these men even going to put forth the effort and try, are you just going to cry "I can't find a good man"? You think a man views you like a "catch" after they put you through the ringer? you think they respect that? you think they "value" that? They don't, you're just someone in the interim, you've never focused on your own issues and problems and just tried to find a man that would magically fix all of your own issues. Men have feelings, men think very straight..but like any Investor they don't invest in stocks that aren't going to pay off in the long term, they're only willing to invest in something they feel is worthwhile and has opportunity...you sell your stock so cheap that men don't even consider investing, you come off as just a love fool looking for a man...judging by your comments on whole post. You've got to have more integrity, you have to dignify yourself, not expect a man to. But at 41 years of age, you're probably not willing to do that honestly. Probably set in your ways by now and so easily love struck you'll probably find yourself in a similar situation with another guy, and then you'll think of this guy as "the one who got away" which is the saddest part If that's all you expect out of love. Edited March 24, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
Author alexa137 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 what i want in a man "the one" checklist job no kids/ or 1 kid his own apt or house financially secure no drugs non smoker believes in god trustworthy considerate passionate honest loyal generous sincere confident mature romantic responsible reliable fun kind caring intelligent sense of humor I want my man to be my best friend, lover, my everything....
Author alexa137 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 I personally think i have good qualities, i'm single, never married, no drama, 1 child(15 yrs old) no baggae, nice, caring, trustworthy, sharing, fun, good hearted easy going, i got my sh*t together, I dont go out and party, i'm not a whore, i'm classy, take care of myself, smart and like to help others. but i i guess its not what men want in a woman!
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 ive been ready to settle down for 10 yrs! and I know hes the one! He's the one? You've been dating him for almost a year and you have no idea where you stand in this relationship. If a man where pathetically desperate for sex, I'd tell him to get a blowup doll. If you're this desperate for a relationship, get a blowup husband. Because you obviously don't care WHO you're in the relationship with. You just want the title. I personally think i have good qualities, i'm single, never married, no drama, 1 child(15 yrs old) no baggae, nice, caring, trustworthy, sharing, fun, good hearted easy going, i got my sh*t together, I dont go out and party, i'm not a whore, i'm classy, take care of myself, smart and like to help others. but i i guess its not what men want in a woman! It's not what men want in a woman? Don't blame "men" because you choose to attempt serious relationship with any man who devotes some level of attention to you. That's your issue, buddy. Not "men". There are plenty of people out there in healthy fulfilling relationships. You're just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You're saying "Godammit, I put too much effort into this and i'm not letting go no matter WHAT." It's desperation. And I can see it from here. 1
Author alexa137 Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 well I'm waiting for him to call me I asked him awhile ago to please give me a call when he gets a chance,gonna find the nerve to ask a few questions and tell him to be honest with me,that i am serious not into games but i'm sure, just like no other guy is not gonna tell me that he is stringing me along! most likely i wont get the answers i want, but lets hope
Author alexa137 Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 so we just chatted for about 30 mins and asked him to be honest and if he wantsto be serious and be my man and he said he cant do that yet, something is holding him back and he doesnt know what it is not ready to be serious, he cant do that right now he has dated other people here and there, but says hes not doing anything,also one key faactor is that he is still torn between his ex, she moved to california right before we started dating and he still talks to her once in awhile and has told him she might come back-so basically maybe hes waiting on her? he says hes not but who knows i told him i like him alot and like spending time with him, etc.. we also talked about other guys, i told him and was honest that i see my ex sometimes but we are completely just friends(not compatible)but ive only seen him one time this month. I dont know what to do, and i told him i thought i felt like he was stringing me along until he finds someone better. he said he went to the movies alone, i told him he shoulve asked me! i would have wanted to go! dont know if hes lying but he said it was a spur of the moment thing and didnt think of asking me b/c wasnt sure what i was doing. the thing here is HE knows for sure how i feel and how i have felt the past 8 months or so through emails,. texts and how i act around him told him i am happy when we spend time together, having dinner, going for drinks, the movies, dinner, etc( huh?! just like a couple, huh?) but i dont know what to do??? if i tell him to leave me alone and stop contact, I will be miserable and crying and depressed!
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Alexa, I guarantee If ask all men that don't want to be with you the same questions you're going to get the same similar answers as this guys...It's the same song, just different tune. "I want my man to be my best friend, lover, my everything...." Bam, numero uno problemo right there. You want him to be everything. Not just apart of your life.. Not just to a companion... You want your whole world to revolve around a man...how's that working for ya? Not very well, you know why? because nothing comes off more desperate, clingy, and whiny than a grown woman who gets on her knees for every other man and begs him to stay because you'll feel... "miserable and crying and depressed!" Can you not see what you do to yourself? Do you not realize how put off that makes men feel? They don't want to be your scape goat in life, they don't want to be the center of your universe...no grown man thinks you've only been that way with him on top of it either...we know when a woman is "that type" the kind of girl that's extremely loyal and will drag herself through the mud for you but hell no will you want to end up with that girl while she drowns you and clings onto you like you're the moon, the stars, and the sun and It could almost not even matter how you feel because she so desperately wants to be with you. You think a man is going to find that appealing? It might mean good sex, breakfast, lunch, and dinner when you stay over but hell, It's only good in dosages because the dosage is always on extreme. "told him i am happy when we spend time together, having dinner, going for drinks, the movies, dinner, etc( huh?! just like a couple, huh?)" On what planet do you think this means relationship? what do you think every man does with just about every woman? stare at a brick wall together? like wtf? Men do those things to appease you so they can take you home and sleep with you at the end of the night, not build some kind of relationship bond...plus a mans gotta eat anyway! but i dont know what to do??? You know what Alexa, you just go ahead and cling to this man like every other one and just hold on because looks where that's gotten you. You need to walk away, have some pride, some integrity, some self-respect...you need therapy, not a man! Because until you can start caring for yourself, you're going to ALWAYS feel strung along because you're an EMOTIONAL BASKET CASE.....that is your baggage! "no baggae, nice, caring, trustworthy, sharing, fun, good hearted easy going, i got my sh*t together, I dont go out and party, i'm not a whore, i'm classy, take care of myself, smart and like to help others." Let me give you a tip, no man gives a damn about those qualities If they don't want to be with you...and guess what...what do you think 8 out of 10 women claim to have as well? yes, all those qualities listed above for the most part. It doesn't intrigue a man, can you imagine if every man searched for those qualities on a dating website? do you realize the sheer amount of matches he would would have! Nobody ever sees themselves for what they really are, it's very few and there's a lot of other things people don't want to say, they just want to list the good **** about themselves. You have some serious, serious issues...and really until you stop chasing around men and trying to make them stay with you and work on yourself, go to counseling, see a therapist, get all those childhood issues under control, that lack of self-esteem and insecurity you've got...you're basically just wishing on a star and I hope by now you realize that you've got to look in the mirror, It's not gods fault, It's not life, you're not taking RESPONSIBILITY for YOURSELF...you're expecting a man, god, the toothfairy to fix all of your problems and make your life right... Newsflash...only you can achieve that through hard work and determination and a sheer will/desire to improve yourself...THAT is how you find a good man, when you know when to run away from the bad ones and actually have a security within yourself to walk away and make men value who you are, because you are letting men determine your self-worth and you are feeling like nothing without it, and no one will ever or could ever fix you and make you feel the way you think you can. IT's time you emotionally grow up, look at what you're doing with this guy...It's ridiculous and stupid...reread your post and pretend it's not you, pretend its a niece or a daughter, how would that make you feel? what would you tell that person to do? 1
Recommended Posts