Losing the Love of my Life!! Seeking Advice!!

[firehazardguy]

Hello, I am new to this board (I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing?) Anyway, I am in desperate need of some support, and/or advice here (as I am sure that everyone on this board is)---I will gladly return the favor of helping others out if I can.

 

Let's see where do I begin? I suppose that I should begin from the start of everything. You see, I have been through heartache, and breakups in the past. It took me a long time to fully recover from the one before this one --- almost a year before I ever started dating again because I was so afraid of being hurt.

 

It took me that long before I could love myself, and finally be stong enough inside to love someone else. I got smarter and I told myself I was not going to make any silly or stupid choices in dating and I was finally ready to go out there and date again.

 

I went to college in the panhandle of Florida, and during that process I met the most amazing woman in the world. Someone who makes me feel like I can get through anything and everything, someone who makes me enjoy the world--- basically I feel very deeply and madly in love with her.--- she lived in the next state over -- about a 45 min drive from where I lived in Florida--- We got along very well-- saw each other every weekend---and grew closer and closer.

 

Finally, I graduated from college, we talked about things and we both thought it was a good idea that I move in with her. So I quickly loaded my stuff up in a moving van and off we rode into the sunset.

 

For 9 awesome months we got along very well---we became much closer--- we talked about getting married, starting a family together, and moving some place more "homeier" --- even going as far as signing applications to move into "our new townhome"-- and placing the deposit down. For the first time I feel like I am really and truly in love --- I swear my heart is not lieing to me--- she's the one!

 

I was so sure of it, of her, of us, that I recently purchased an engagement--that I could hardly really afford and I had planned on asking her to be with me forever later this month.

 

Well, a few weeks ago I noticed her getting more and more distant from me. I asked her what was wrong because I knew something was wrong--- she simply said she was ok, there was nothing wrong and that we are ok. -- finally I wouldn't take that "everything was ok" for an answer -- and perhaps I should have now --- she then went on to tell me that she loves me, but she's not "in love with me"=== that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now --- and that come July 16th of this year she wants me to move out.

 

I went through the stages of the grieving process-- you know denial- bargaining the whole nine yards === but to no avail. --

 

I just can't lose her! I am madly in love with her, she is who I am meant to be with I just know it. Thought it's a line from a movie, but she truly completes me. Without her I am so lost-- so empty! --- It doesn't help that we are still living together until the lease runs up here-- and that she is one room over from me--- so close, but yet so far away! It's even more difficult that I don't have her sweet smell, her beating heart, her soft skin, her in general sleeping next to me at night anymore --- it's very cold-- very empty and lonely.

 

I just can't lose her because I know she is the one! So any advice would be appreciated! I have tried everything from roses, to writing a few long love letters to her, to getting a cd with "our song" on it, to cards ---- so far I haven't gotten anywhere--- maybe others can see the reality that it is really over--- but I just can't see that and I refuse to giveup on my heart, my soul. She's very much a part of me and I can't except losing that part. I am begging, pleading to anyone out there who can help me to please respond to my post. I will be forever greatful if someone can please help me win her back! I love her with all of my heart and I am not complete without her.

 

Thanks in advance!

[lilylover]

All I can say is dont try to get her to change her mind so much. For some reason that just tends to push people away.

 

And another thing, if you guys are meant to be, you will be. If she is the one .. you will be with her. It might not even be now, you guys could get back together years from now. Who knows. But yes, if she is the one you're destined to be with, well .... destiny never fails.

 

Yes its hard to watch her go. I'm going through the same thing right now.

 

But what doesnt kill you really does make you stronger.

[Caveman]

I'm in the same boat...you've got to ask yourself, if she is "the one" why isn't she with you now?

[firehazardguy]

First, I wanted to say thank you Lilylover and Caveman for taking the time to read my post and to respond. You don't have any idea how thankful I am!

 

I am sorry that you are in the same boat as I am Caveman and though we don't know each other, if there is anything that I can do to help I am willing to help and will do everything that I can to do so. Same goes for you Lilylover!

 

You guys are right if we are meant to be together than we will be together-- it may not be tomorrow -- it may not be a week from now --- it may not be a year from now. --- I know that love is not easy-- life is not easy, but it's just not that easy to just giveup, to put my true feelings in a locked box in the attic to sit there and collect dust-- perhaps never to be opened again. I gave up in the past and let people that I care slip away from me --- to do this with her, to her, to myself just seems so wrong. Perhaps it's denial and selfish, but I just can't giveup on me and she is very much a part of me. I am trying to face reality, but I can't look it in the eye yet.

 

Thanks again for your help and if there is anymore advise I would really appreciate it! I wish you well in all that you do!

[tricities100]

I agree that (1) if it's meant to happen, it will happen, and that (2) pressuring someone too much can only make things worse. And, you know you're not the first one to experience this. Like others, I too am going through a very similar pain right now as I write. My (ex-) fiancee and I agreed to take a break; she needs the space and it sucks. But, I am doing everthying I can to prepare myself for the worst.

 

I don't have advice for you to "get her back." The difficult reality is (and it's cliché), you can't make someone love you or want you. That's the central nature of love that makes it so special: it's of free will.

 

My only advice is, to keep you sanity, do NOT dwell on this, or listen to sad songs, or look at old photos. Talk to as many friends as you can, and keep as busy as you can. Go out of your way to schedule outings with friends as much as you can. That's helped me a lot.

[firehazardguy]

Tricities100: Thanks for the advice I appreciate it!

 

You're right I can't make anyone love me. She has told me that she loves me, but she's not at a place right now where she can be in a relationship. I suppose I am at a loss because like I said one minute things were going great and we were talking about a family etc. and then poof--- this happens. I know that is human nature as well-- but I still just don't understand it.

 

I do find myself listening to sad music and I have one picture of us happily together, framed and sitting on my computer desk. I can't bring myself to just putting it away yet.

 

As far as staying busy, I try to stay busy--- work does keep me busy since I work the late shift and by the time I get home I am beat--- (I moved my life here to be with her) --- and in this city it was very tough for me to find a job given the way the economy was/is so I took a job in the next state over about an hour long drive. So I get home pretty late as it is.

 

As pitiful as it sounds, I don't have anyone here except her and her family. My close friends and family are back in my hometown where I lived which is about 8-9 hours away from here. Now that I am being "kicked out" of this place I am moving to be closer to my work so I am not driving that long to get there anymore and that's even worse --- I know absolutely no one there and I have no clue of my way around there. Yes, I have friends at my work, but they all of significant others so I just feel like a third wheel now.

 

I am not looking for simpathy or anything because I know I made those life choices, but the whole reason I am hurting so much is because I am losing the love of my life. I am losing my home, I'm also losing a family as I have gotten rather close to her family in the last nine months.

 

Not to mention I actually suffer from major depression I would go into the details -- but bottom line the average heartache is ten fold for me. -- through all of that into the mix and having no one to help or support you and you have a pretty crummy feeling. -- So I guess that I am at a loss as to what to do anymore?! thanks for your help again! I wish you well in your loss too!

[sid3]

Give her space, I can speak from experience. I have been learning the hard way. Made all the classic mistakes. Don't do it to yourself.

[LHBJR]

I've come here for advice myself but of a different nature.

 

One thing I would suggests is you should consider moving out now, on your own terms. People always seem to want what they can't have. It is very possible that if she sees that you are ready to go on with your life that she may decide that she is the one who is losing. I know from many years of dating and almost 20 years of marriage that trying harder to win someone back always drives them further away. The reverse doesn't always work but if she still has true feelings for you she may find that your leaving on your own would cause her to take a second look.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[surfgurl]

I'm assuming you guys are in your early twenties (as am I). Under that assumption, ask yourself, where are this girl's friends in their lives right now? Are they pursuing careers of their own? Are they married with kids (as you guys had been talking about)? Think about the outside influences in the girl's life. What kind of socio-economic class was this girl raised in? Although the family may speak favourably towards you, are you of the caliber that they would have chosen for their daughter (if it were their choice)? Is she being pressured by her family/friends/coworkers to pursue something more? Perhaps she is overwhelmed by incessant thoughts to be successful and she sees you as a roadblock to her success.

 

That's not to say that she doesn't love you. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying. She is obviously feeling external pressure from someone that she is very close to (possibly herself) to do something else right now with her life. She has grown comfortable (as most girls in their early twenties do) with you (her love) and because you guys are living together and you are there almost every waking moment (albeit the time you guys are apart to work) she probably feels trapped in a sense.

 

The girl needs to breathe. She needs a chance to try and make it on her own as an adult. She may be unaware of her needs/motives and that is why she says that she's not in love with you. She's confused. She really wants to hold on to you, but she can't have you there every step of the way. She needs the proverbial "space" thing. You have to let her go for the time being.

 

And you can't sit there and get depressed. Easier said than done, I know, my friend. But! Be optimistic!! See this as YOUR oppertunity to succeed. Do it for her!! Make something of yourself!! Impress her!! Show her that you can be successful with your life as an adult. It's attractive to see someone succeed that you once loved (and it will be just as attractive to her, I'm sure). She just needs a break to sort things out.

 

In short, know that the breakup has nothing to do with you personally. This girl needs time to grow as a young adult. You need time as well. Keep in contact with her. And as far as your moving away, I see that as an excellent oppertunity for you to, again, prove yourself to her. Impress the girl. Surely, she doesn't want a guy that she has to feel sorry for. I know that you mentioned you are currently/formerly suffering from depression, but hey!!! This is a test of your endurance. You can do it!!! You will prevail and succeed!!!! Smile!!! Everything is going to work out for you both!!!! I'm sure of it!!!!!

 

Take care of yourself. Today is a new day. What have you done to improve the quality of your life? You're going to attract her back in no time.

[firehazardguy]

Thanks a ton for all of the support, and words of wisdom! They have prooven to be very help to me and you have no idea how much it means to me --- Though I wish that I was alone in this since I hate to see other people suffer and go through any type of pain -- I am thankful that I am not alone.

 

Everyone is right, I should move on, I should let go. It's just a difficult task to do and I know no one said it would be easy, but it's still very difficult. Even worse when we are still living together and she is in the next room over. I go through phases where I am "strong" and put up a front around her like I can get through this, but then there are those little things that set me off where I get very hurt and very upset.

 

For example, when I first was told the news by her that things were over between us, the very next day I bought flowers, a card, I wrote a long love letter, and got her a cd with "our song on it". She excepted everything and that was that.

 

I noticed that she did nothing with the cd-- it just sat there on the counter in the apartment for about a week. I woke up this morning went to the kitchen to get something to eat (she was at work at this point and I had the day off) and the cd was gone. I didn't want to be nosey, but I had to know where that cd was -- I knew that she hadn't listened to it in the apartment and she doesn't have a cd player in her car-- yes an old car.....

 

So I searched high and low-- checked the stereo-- nope not in there-- checked the entire apartment and it's just not there. So I just thought of a way to see what happened to it-- I knew that she had returned it to the store.

 

I asked her if I could borrow the cd so that I could burnn a copy of it. I am not sure if that sounded too fake, but it was the only thing that I could think of. She replied sure, but can I give it to you tomorrow night because it is in my car. I then asked in your car? What's it doing in your car, I thought that you didn't have a cd player? She then replied "I don't, but I just threw it in another bag that I use and it's in there." I just simply replied "oh, I thought that maybe you got a cd player put in your car"--- she said "nope that would be nice if I did though." --- So to make a long story short, I caught her in a lie. I mean one minute it is in the apartment and the next minute it's gone. She doesn't have a cd player in her car and she has been working the past few days. Where and why is she taking it with her in a bag??-- she only has one book bag and since she has been working she doesn't carry her purse with her (her job she can't have it with her all day)--plus what would she need it at work for anyway?? --- Obviously she took it back to the store! --- granted it was not a ton of mone -- well actually it was for me now since I am hurting for money since I have to move out-- but man that hurts!!

 

The next thing on the update list is that I also just found out from her today that her friend is coming over and staying here for a few days while he (yes I said he) looks for an apartment convienetly in the same area I am looking into. He is gay and I don't doubt that he is because she has talked about him before when we were together-- told me he was gay and told me that he was probably going to be coming down to stay with us and visit her and look for a place to move in--- I was a little bit hurt-- no I mean really hurt when I got another "oh by the way ...." type message from her ---so it was at the last minute and I am at a loss as to how quickly she can pickup the pieces and move on.

 

To throw another match onto the fire, I just asked where he was going to sleep--- she then proceeds to tell me "oh, I am not sure where he is going to sleep, but it will probably be in the same room and bed as myself." In my head I was thinking --- wait, what??! Excuse me?!? --- I just then told her -- don't you think that's F--ing inconsiderate? (I never cuss and I mean never so this caught her off guard) She then got offended that I said that -- so I said that I was sorry --I didn't mean to hurt her or offend her or yell -- I am just hurt! - I just asked her you mean it's all right to sleep with that friend, but you just say goodbye to me--- I wasn't asking her to sleep with me, but man that just is cold in my eyes -- and it hurts a ton. I know we are not together anymore and that she can do whatever she wants, but I don't know it really hurts!

 

Then on top of that, we were supposed to go out apartment looking together--- she was going to help me out since it is not an area familuar to me. She was all happy and said "this is great because the both of you are looking for places to move to." I replied --- "so he's going with us on Wednesday?!" --- she said " well yes"'. At that point I didn't know that else to say so I just said "oh, that's nice," in a sarcastic tone--- it was at that point I went to bed. --- I wasn't expecting it to be a "date", but I don't know this guy and he is going to be a part of a life changing event for me--- I don't want him there!-- *sighs* when will this stop?! I am hurting so much!! So now what???

[firehazardguy]

To answer all of your questions --- thanks for the help by the way I am thankful for it! Hopefully they are not retorical questions, but I don't mind answering anyway.

 

We are both 25 years of age ---

 

Her friends in her life are not married and do not have children-- though her youngest sister is married and has 2 children and recently became pregnant again.--- "we" found out about a couple of days before she broke up with me--- this is important because all along her younger sister kept tell her that she needed to settle down and have some kids so that her kids can have playmates. --perhaps that pressured her???

 

She was brought up in a poor family -- Mother has married a few times and she doesn't talk with her bilogical Father.

 

She was the first person to graduate from college in her family. She is a hard worker and managed to out her self through school with no financial help from her family --- she recently graduated and I was proud and happy for her then and to share that experience with her.

 

I too am a college graduate with an A.A. in Social Welfare and a B.A. in Social Science. Currently I am not in my field of study as far as career goes, but I am working on that. Given the job market over the last year or so I am lucky to have a job right now. -- I would say that I am the type of person that her family would like for me be with.

 

I personally know that I am a good person, a compassionate, true, kind, caring person. When I love, I truly love with all of my heart --- maybe it's a mistake, but I put others way ahead of myself and do what I can to help others and be there for others. Maybe that's why I can't understand how another human being can hurt someone as much as I have been hurt and I am hurting now. --- I am at a loss at how someone can invest so much (maybe she didn't??) and then just throw in the towel out of the blue and not try to work or talk things out. How can someone love and then with a flick of a switch be out of love --- in an instant?? --- I am so very hurt and very very lost!

[surfgurl]

how have things turned out with you guys?