Author CopingGal Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 I suffered a small setback this weekend. I don't even remember how it started. I continue to keep NC and be strict about it. It just hurts that he thought so little of me to treat me like this and to think my pain was funny. I know his mentally sick...only a sicko would treat me this way. Still it just hurts so much. I suffered trauma when he treated me the way he did and he thought nothing of it. I know I'm lucky to not be like him, but I wish I didn't feel pain either. One day his impulsivness and lack of remorse are going to get his a$$ kicked. I hope I have a front seat.
Author CopingGal Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Today is a mellow day. I feel very, very lonely. I miss speaking to my friend on the phone. It's been over two months since she passed away. It's still hard to believe she's gone. I only had two good friends, so I really feel her absence. I went to the doctor today. It was a good visit. I'm feeling better health wise. I want to recognize that. I feel that I have had so much loss since in the past several years. Everyone except my one friend who was in my life is now gone- moved away or gone on to other things. My sadness tugs at my heart and I think of calling my ex. For what? What the hell can he do for me except make me feel comforted and better and then turn around and stab me in the back and be very, very, very cruel to me? What the hell else can he do besides that? NOTHING! I feel so isolated from most of the people in the world. I feel so alone. I want to go on the dating sites and start talking to men again so I can fee less lonely and forget about my disgusting ex. But I'm not going to. If I jump into a relationship now, I'm gonna settle and cling to someone who might not be worthy. I'm in too much pain. I'm too vulnerable. I'm too needy right now.
Coffee20 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Today is a mellow day. I feel very, very lonely. I miss speaking to my friend on the phone. It's been over two months since she passed away. It's still hard to believe she's gone. I only had two good friends, so I really feel her absence. I went to the doctor today. It was a good visit. I'm feeling better health wise. I want to recognize that. I feel that I have had so much loss since in the past several years. Everyone except my one friend who was in my life is now gone- moved away or gone on to other things. My sadness tugs at my heart and I think of calling my ex. For what? What the hell can he do for me except make me feel comforted and better and then turn around and stab me in the back and be very, very, very cruel to me? What the hell else can he do besides that? NOTHING! I feel so isolated from most of the people in the world. I feel so alone. I want to go on the dating sites and start talking to men again so I can fee less lonely and forget about my disgusting ex. But I'm not going to. If I jump into a relationship now, I'm gonna settle and cling to someone who might not be worthy. I'm in too much pain. I'm too vulnerable. I'm too needy right now. Hello CopingGal, I am so sorry to hear about your friend and about your loss. I hope you are doing better today I read all your posts in this thread and you are very strong! I sometimes feel that I could go on the dating sides and talk to men. But same as you I still hurt and it would not do any good. Wish you well !
Author CopingGal Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Thank you Coffee, but today I am very weak. I cry and I cry and I cry. I ball my fists up and I cry some more. I feel as if I'm drowning in pain and there is no way out. I feel abandoned, I feel horrible, like he was ashamed of me. How he kept me so hidden all those years, but as soon as I left, him, announced his new girlfriend to the world and the one after that. I never felt so disrespected and so horrible in my life. The pain never ends for a long time. I feel hopeless and lost and sick. I feel sick and I feel like a loser at life and love. I had a bad experience today that had nothing to do with him. But the bad experience brought what he did all back to me and now I feel like I don't belong in this world.
Author CopingGal Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Today I had 2 huge, huge crying fits. I was in the middle in the second one when I asked myself why was I crying over him. I immediately stopped crying.
Author CopingGal Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Thank God for my roommate and thank God for LoveShack.
Author CopingGal Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 I was reading an email I wrote to a friend about the latest bozo I met. I felt so proud of myself. This guy had physical programs. Normally I would have stayed, trying to understand his behavior...trying to look past his rejection of me and making excuses for him...because he had physcial problems. But I didn't. He told me he didn't have the energy to write. Then why send me 14 emails in two days? And if so, then why didn't he want to call me in the days after? Come on! Plus, he did send me emails after that whole bunch. Why couldn't it have been emails that furthered our getting to know each other? Why did every email have to say he didn't have time for me? Fourteen emails in two days of sharing his life with me...then one more email about his life...then one email each day telling me he doesn't have time for me. I feel bad about what he did to me and of course, he did not acknowledge his bad behavior. He also seemed to be controlling. Thank goodness I broke that cycle. It took me 3 years to get out of a relationship with a man who refused to make time for me. This time it took me 7 days. This guy didn't want me. He wasn't interested in what things I like or how I think. He didn't ask me one question...not one question. All he did was send me email after email after email about his life and then email after email telling me he didn't have time for me. It was never about what I could offer. It was simply about him finding someone...anyone....I guess. I'm so, so proud because I chose me. I chose me when I left my ex and I chose me when I left this man too. I chose me. It's a wonderful feeling when you decide to treat yourself better and get rid of someone who is not treating you right.
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