CopingGal Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 I have okay days and bad days. Today was an okay day. Most of the day was very good, actually. I did something great. I made a video for the people of Mauritania who were slaves and ran away. Now they are in a school for run-away slaves. Videos are going to be selected to be sent to the school. I hope mine will be selected. I made it and sent it in to CNN. They are the people who are involved in the video project. I think about L and what he does with his life. Yes, he's king of the sandwich makers, but that's about it. I helped the world become a better place today. L continues to lie and lead a ridiculous life. It feels good...really good to do positive things. I think I will get involved to try to help people that are still stuck in slavery...even in this country. 5
Author CopingGal Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 Today I sat at my computer and cried. I didn't cry for long, as I had to get back to my school work. I contacted some people and told them I wanted to give a talk on modern slavery. I asked the organization if I could use some of their materials. Doing things to help others and help myself make me feel good. It's getting through this rough time. Still, it hurts so much. I'm trying not to write anything to my ex in the "Post Your Letter Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex" thread, as I like to think of my ex as no longer existing. He's up on the moon somewhere, or he's on his own private island in a town called Loserville, in which he is the mayor. Why do people lie soo much? Why are people so quick to be in a committment and then so quick to cheat? I feel ripped up with what he did to me. It's hard to see him go on to the next person like nothing happened. He's on his second relationship after me, while I struggle and struggle to cope with all the terrible things he did to me. Seriously, it's really not fair. But then, he will get his. His ex-wife does not like him. I can't stand him. My roommate hates him. My mother thinks he's a bum and the list goes on. Seriously, I should not be jealous of him. Especially since he's so sick I don't know if he's gonna live to next year. So why be jealous? Do I want him back? No. Why don't I want him back? Because he's a disgusting person who uses people, lies constantly, and is unstable. I'm gonna appreciate me for me. He can just go to Hell. 2
Author CopingGal Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) I get so angry sometimes and I feel so hurt. I thought about all the fun he had this past summer...all the fun he bragged about having this past summer. I wonder how many times he saw her...how much money he spent on her. For us, he put in the minimum. He just saw me the one day he saw the therapist bi-weekly. It boggles my mind that even at that point in the relationship when he was cheating on me and lying to me, he says back then he loved me. Sometimes I feel so angry and so hurt. I feel so taken advantage of. I want to post a letter to him here, but not send it...but no. I refuse to talk to him even on a screen or paper. Because he is gone from my life. He is obsolete. He no longer exists. He's on the moon. That's right, he's living on the moon all alone. One day this whole nightmare will seem like a memory. But why does time take so long? I can jump into another relationship to forget...but that's his style not mine. I need to deal with the pain and get very comfortable being alone. I just wish what he did to me didn't hurt so much. I wish he wasn't someone with sociopathic traits...but he's got them and there's nothing I can do about it. Telling the world on his facebook page that he "wouldn't change a thing" about last year ended the last hope I had about him. The therapist said he had no conscience. She was right about everything else, but I was hoping...really hoping she was wrong about that. I was hoping he did have a conscience and that it was just underdeveloped. Seeing his facebook page let me know that the therapist was 100% about everything: -He has sociopathic traits (Antisocial Personality Disorder traits) -He has Narcissitic Personality Disorder traits. -He does not respect women -He did not value me -He did not acknowledge my pain -He has a sense of entitlement -He is a liar She said all of this and was right about every single one of them. It's so laughable that he told me he is a good person, and honest person and a matyr. Hard to believe he called himself a matyr. I have to remind myself that he is sick in the head. People who are sick in the head many times appear to have it all together, but they don't. His dysfunction causes this brilliant man to stay stuck in his job of King of the Sanwich makers. His dysfunction causes him to use his autistic son in lies so that he can cheat. He is cursed...truly cursed. Edited March 25, 2012 by CopingGal 3
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Does he have full custody of his son? I am so glad you have started a blog, it is cathartic. Yesterday I came across my ex's recent profile picture. A friend inboxed it to me and said "is THIS why you were crying???'===Coping Gal, I don't think I had that hearty of a laugh in a long time. It was him taking his own picture in his bedroom, arm extended and he looked awful; he really ballooned up. He also NEVER gives a full, real smile. it's always just enough to show his teeth and that's it. I haven't felt this 'over it' in a long time. I KNOW you will get there, trust me----our ex's are the same!!! Except no woman wanted his spawn; he has no children. 2
Author CopingGal Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 The last time I was in contact with him, his son was being taken care of by his ex-wife's mother because he was so sick. He's even sicker now. I imagine he no longer has custody of his son. Now hopefully his son can live a normal life. I know I am better off...but it still hurts so much to know that someone did so many awful things to me and doesn't feel sorry about any of them. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 The last time I was in contact with him, his son was being taken care of by his ex-wife's mother because he was so sick. He's even sicker now. I imagine he no longer has custody of his son. Now hopefully his son can live a normal life. I know I am better off...but it still hurts so much to know that someone did so many awful things to me and doesn't feel sorry about any of them. Same boat here, friend. SO GLAD the child is with those who can care for his needs the way they should be taken care of. Your ex and mine are one and the same. you and I were beat down and put down mentally, while they build someone else up/ put someone new up on a pedestal. You and i were treated badly and left as if we did not exist. That part hurts, but, I am learning that it is not us, it is THEM.
Phanpooh Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Today, it's a fairytale. i'm always busy after she left me and i checked my fb today, found an old friend and chat with her, we talk about my life, my ex and our plan future i realize that, my ex is nothing for me now, if there still a little feeling, missing, that is good feeling for her somewhere, someone will take that girl. i'm done with this girl there isnt matter how good he is, somewhere, someone will take his "****" for you
Author CopingGal Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 I'm trying to do an assignment for school. But it hurts so much, my heart isn't in it. When will it stop hurting so much? When will it stop hurting so much? I just hurts so much every day...every day...pain...pain...pain. I must keep it together. He is obsolete. He is irrelevant. He is dirty and he has no soul. He left his father, his mother, his sister, and his brothers. He abandoned them all.
cflowers32 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 And we can KNOW all these things that are no good, but we hurt. I don't get it. I think mine is a great guy, he is, and I just want to hate him. I should hate him, but I don't, and it sucks.
Author CopingGal Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 I don't hurt because I miss him. I miss who he pretended to me. I hurt because of the psychological/emotional abuse. I hurt because of the lies. 2
cflowers32 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I don't hurt because I miss him. I miss who he pretended to me. I hurt because of the psychological/emotional abuse. I hurt because of the lies. Well that's my story for this one, BUT I relate to you regarding my divorce. I read everything you wrote above and I told my mom I never thought my husband loved me. I tell people frequently that he's a narcissist and a sociopath. He doesn't care about anyone genuinely. And the lies????? Not to mention he was good at it (I married him), they were all the time over little and big things. I get it, and I understand.
Author CopingGal Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Yeah, they lie about the most ridiculous things. My ex lied about mice. He lied about facebook...multiple, mulitple lies about facebook. He kept the fact that he was selling his blood from me. He lied about why he didn't want to get married. He lied about spending time his autistic son. He lied about the super bowl party. He lied about his ex fiancee. He lied about how he met the woman he cheated on me with. He lied about where he met the woman he cheated on me with. That was another lie that involved his autistic son. He lied to me and told me he was not rolling his eyes at me when I was looking right at them! He lied when he told me he would never put his hobby before me...that was a HUGE lie. He lied about thisl He lied about that. Lies, LIes, LIEs, LIES, LIES!!!
Author CopingGal Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Same boat here, friend. SO GLAD the child is with those who can care for his needs the way they should be taken care of. Your ex and mine are one and the same. you and I were beat down and put down mentally, while they build someone else up/ put someone new up on a pedestal. You and i were treated badly and left as if we did not exist. That part hurts, but, I am learning that it is not us, it is THEM. It is them. He's a patience sucker. He sucked me dry. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 It is them. He's a patience sucker. He sucked me dry. My question of the day is will the new g/f see what I have seen or was all that meant for me and his 2 ex's? Is this one the queen bee that she won't be subjected to his creepy ways? I just can't help but wonder that from time to time. People tell me it is likely that if you mentally abused others before, it is likely to keep happening. He also trashed his ex's and any other woman in his past; said they brought him too much drama and mentally wore him down. Then later he told me that about me at the end. Now he is trashing me to this very day, 18 months later--still asking people if they are friends with me, why am I not blocked, etc.
Author CopingGal Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 I'm sure at some point he will treat her like trash. It may take some time though. And yes, I'm sure I 'm the "crazy ex." His ex before me, was the "crazy ex". His mother is the "crazy mother." We are all crazy because we don't do what he wants. So yes, I'm sure he tells people I'm the "crazy ex," BOO-BOO-GOO-GOO-BABBA-BABBA-CHOOCHA DUKE! I'm the "crazy ex" WHOO-WHOO-IKA-IKA-YABBA-DABBA-DOO!
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I'm sure at some point he will treat her like trash. It may take some time though. And yes, I'm sure I 'm the "crazy ex." His ex before me, was the "crazy ex". His mother is the "crazy mother." We are all crazy because we don't do what he wants. So yes, I'm sure he tells people I'm the "crazy ex," BOO-BOO-GOO-GOO-BABBA-BABBA-CHOOCHA DUKE! I'm the "crazy ex" WHOO-WHOO-IKA-IKA-YABBA-DABBA-DOO! I am 'psycho", "evil" and "sinister", LOL 1
Author CopingGal Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Dear Diary, I think about him and what he did to me. It still hurts so much. But I decided to really try and protect my heart. I have a soft heart and it needs protecting. He didn't do it. He was unworthy. He liked being impulsive and feeling entitled. He really felt entitled to treat me like garbage. I can't change that. But what I can make sure is that he never, ever, EVER has a chance to get close to me again. This is my life. And it's up to me to make sure I never have another relationship with a complete asscrack. If I find myself with one, I have to leave...no ifs ands or buts. I will leave!
Author CopingGal Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 I got up today in pain. It hurts so much. I pretended he was with me so I could tell him off. I told him off and I told him off. I want to go to his facebook page again. I hate him. I have so much anger towards him. I wasted 3 years on him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I wonder how can he live with himself. But people who have sociopathic tendencies do that and more and live with themselves. I hate the fact that he brings the worse out of me. I hate the fact that he makes me feel so bad. Why? He was the love of my life and it was all a lie....all a lie....all a lie...all a lie...all a lie.
Author CopingGal Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 This morning I thought of my ex and was disappointed and somewhat angry. Sometimes the anger flares. Sometimes the anger fades. I want to keep going to his facebook page to see when he and his latest puppet break up, but I will not. This is MY life, not his. He is irrelevant. He is obselete. I have a good life...a good life and he does not. I must continue to concentrate on myself to make my life better and better. I'm so proud of the accomplishments I've made. When I was with him...I was disappointed in the kind of person he was. It's hard for me to have a relationship with a very selfish man. I wanted him to be someone different, but I put up with him anyway. After I heal, I'm gonna find me a good man...a good man! AND I'M NOT GONNA WASTE MY TIME ON ANOTHER LOSER...EVER AGAIN!
Author CopingGal Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) Sometimes I just want to disappear. I'm very tall. I'm heavy. I have a very prominent overbite. But I have a nice smile and pretty eyes. Many people in my life have thought that I was attractive, especially when I was thinner. Men used to drop at my feet. But in school, and at home on the block, I was alway teased...relentlessly and called all kinds of names, mostly because of my overbite. I've been called ugly throughout my life. People who find me attractive find it very hard to believe. I'm stuck out here in the middle of no where with a poor quality of life. I plan to go back East, but when I do, the teasing will start again and I will feel like crap. Out here, barely any one teases me at all, but there's nothing to do but sit on my couch and daydream. I've been treated like crap by men and when my ex came along, I really believe him. I wondered how an overweight gal with such an overbite could get such a gorgeous man. Now I wonder, was he ashamed of me? Is that why I never met his family or friends? He did offer to take me to a concert with his friends one time and I declined, but that was before we got back together. He only offered me to meet his friends once...ONCE in three years. He didn't put my picture on facebook...and it was a nice, nice picture. I hold my head in a certain way in pics that make my overbite undetectable. Still, he didn't acknowlege that he even had someone on face book. I kept telling myself...he's just being him...don't take it personally....until I saw that all the woman after me he talked about on facebook. He tells me all would have been different. If I had just stayed with him 2 more weeks, he would have opened himself up to me. That was when he talked with his ex-girlfriend and got closure...then he could fully open up his life to a woman. If I had just stayed for two more weeks, things would have been different. He neglected to tell me that he had been cheating on me before those two weeks...so really, would anything had changed if I waited two more weeks before leaving him? My bf before this one told me I was not pretty enough for a committment, but only I could do something about that. Nice thing for a bf to say, huh? He came back into my life and told me he changed. Then after dating him and him telling me I was still good looking even though I gained weight...he tells me that. After I went to bed with him a few times, he tells me that. My bf before that wouldn't hold my hand in public. He is fat. He told me society didn't want two fat people to be together. When I was thin, I was still teased a lot because of my teeth. One time I had a blind date. The man was very, very unattractive. He looked like a T-rex. He really did...but I thought, "Hmmm, well let me see if he is nice." After 10 minutes, he went in the bathroom and never came back. That happened to me twice. I go for a blind date...the guy is BUTT UGLY, but I think "oh well, maybe he is a nice person." The guy says he will be right back and he never comes back and never apologizes. Another blind date- the guy doesn't say hello to me at all. He just says "So you're really that tall." Another guy I met on an internet dating service...we got along so well, lots of phone calls, and he only had 9 1/2 fingers....still I think, well he is nice. When he sees me in person, he tells me I'm too tall for him...sigh! Sometimes I wish I could switch bodies with someone else. I wish I could just disappear... But you know, usually, I look in the mirror and like what I see...except for the fact that I have gray hair and it's falling out. Still, I love my smile and my eyes...but when people laugh at me and put me down and do it so loudly in public I feel embarassed and humiliated...I just want to disappear. When men treat me so horribly, I just want to disappear. When people tease me, I just want to disappear. Edited April 23, 2012 by CopingGal
Author CopingGal Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Coping a little better today, but it's still hard. Ever since my friend passed away, I've had setbacks in my depression and coping.
Author CopingGal Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Sometimes I feel like I'm descending into madness. After all this time, I still wonder, how could he have disrespected me like that? How? Why did he feed me lies for three years and lead me to believe his life was so busy that he found what little time he could for me? Then to confess he had more time but didn't want to spend it on me. Why did he confess this after 3 years? Why did he string me along for three years? When he got lots of time finally, didn't he think I deserved respect enough to tell me he wanted to date other women? He made me his back up girlfriend and then fed me lies that he couldn't talk to me on the phone or spend time with me because he had no money and was seeing his autistic son. Who would lie about spending time with an autistic child? What kind of sick person would use their son in lies so they can cheat? I've gone backwards since my friend died. My friend dying makes me sad, which makes me think of the other sad things in my life.
Author CopingGal Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 I'm feeling better, but I miss my friend. I miss her very much. I've had so much loss this year, my ex, my friend. Many friends left the area after finishing school. I feel very lonely, but thank God my roommate is here to help me through this hard, hard time. My ex feels very far away from me. I feel protected from him. My ex is far, far away from me in spirit.
crazylove Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Hi Copinggal, so sorry to hear about your friend. That's so sad. It's great that your roommate is helping you through:) Well done you, it sounds like you are moving forward.
Author CopingGal Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 Thanks I am. I still miss her, but I've come to terms with it. Thanks again.
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