jennisfora Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I know what I should do, and probably what I will hear just from reading other posts. I know it is over, and that I need to do NC and move on. Just struggling emotionally and part of me just doesn't want to give up hope, even though my brain knows I should. Basically, my ex and I were in a very serious relationship for just over a year. I felt very secure and thought this relationship was special, it just felt right. I felt i could be me with him, and he was very generous, and i enjoyed being with him. There were red flags that I ignored, looking back. Aren't there always? He was romantic, and wooed me, flowers at work, buying me things. Introduced me to his family early on. Bonded with my son, who still misses him. He said he loved me, wanted to elope, adopt my son, that he was planning his future around us. that we were a family unit. In January, he spent the day, and the night, everything seemed fine, I made the mistake of showing him a ring I liked online, and he said, that he felt we should just be friends. Just like that. He turned 40 the week before. He has been divorced twice. I thought he was on my page, but he wasn't and wasn't willing to discuss it. He says my son will forget him, and he will eventually, but he has disappeared from our lives. At first I kept hoping he would see life without me wasn't as good as life without, but now that a couple months have passed, I now feel sadness and hopelessness. I have tried to go on casual dates, but it just feels off. I know he doesn't want a relationship, and I know I can't make him. We met a couple times after the breakup, both times he was near tears and I could tell he missed me. I know it is over, and I don't even know why I am posting this, except to get it out here. He is still single, but I have broken all connections to his life, facebook, mutual acquantenances because I don't want to know when/if he finds someone else. I am trying to move on, but I just can't seem to. He wanted to be friends pretty badly after it ended, almost demanding it, and i told him i couldnt. I feel like what i had is gone forever, but i feel like im mourning this every day. I need to look for counselling i think. ive tried the new clothes, haircut, exercise regimen. i guess i just need time. thanks for listening. i know i dont know what im looking for by posting this, except to get the story out there.
ItsJustTheWayItIs Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Jen...I can't really offer you any advice (we were married and I left him 5 weeks ago) but I feel your pain and I know where your at. I didn't leave because I didn't love him, but because he had become uncaring and verbally/emotionally abusive. I guess my point is that it hurts like hell and will for sometime, but I believe if you put the effort into healing that you will, and you don't have to lose hope that in the future there still maybe a relationship between the two of you.......just don't live your life around that hope.!! I miss Chris soooooo bad, lol, but I also know I will be alright, because I choose to. Hugs
Author jennisfora Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 thanks, maybe i am looking for external validation. i shouldnt need it, but it helps. he did say the timing wasn't right for him, and that he cant do a committed relationship right now, even though he did have one with me for 13 months. somehow he discovered he can't anymore. i know he still cares, but obviously not enough. there was no abuse on either side. i wasnt really needy. i guess he felt he just didnt have it in him to try again after his failed marriages. i think he was afraid this one would fail. his self esteem wasnt the best, and he was overly pessimistic about life. i know eventually ill be okay no matter what happens. right now, i just have to try and not think about him, and assume the worst. if he wants to come back, he will have to earn it. i am not suffering for no reason. i couldn't take him back unless he could definitively say he wouldnt do this again. im not sure he can do that. im not sure i can ever trust him again. i just dont know. right now it isnt an option.
nature Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I'm sorry you are hurting. Firstly, I have to ask. How long was he divorced from his second wife before you started dating him? The reason I ask, is because all his actions with you sound like he was rebounding. Throwing himself into the relationship with you so quickly, talking about a future so quickly, getting entangled in your life so quickly. It seems he was trying to recreate what he had with his wife, with you. When someone is rebounding from another relationship, it means they have not healed from that relationship. Whether they were split up for a month or two years. It does not sound like he was over her completely yet. The way I can tell, is because he rushed his emotions and feelings with you. He jumped in quickly with both feet at first. That is a sign of a rebounder. They want to replace the emotion they had for their ex with someone new, so you take the place of the ex and they pick up where they left off with their ex. In reality, someone who is in a healthy emotional place to start a relationship, doesn't usually jump in full steam ahead like he did. They take their time. Don't really start talking about a future together until they've spent time really getting to know the person. When you obviously felt he was very connected to you and wanted a future with you, you showed him rings. He freaked out and ran. Because he was rebounding, everything was fine as long as he controlled the speed of the relationship. He could say and do whatever he wanted. But as soon as you made all his words a reality and started showing him signs (ie. ring) of a future together, he got cold feet and ran. Because he simply wasn't ready. He probably wans't ready to get involved in a relationship with you in the first place. My gf just went thru this. She was dating a man for almost 3 years who jumped right in with her saying and doing all the things your guy was with you. When she actually started following thru on his words and planning to take it to the next level of moving in together, etc he freaked out and ran cold. Because it turns out, he'd never fully healed from his ex wife yet. Yes he'd badmouthed his ex wife to her and made it sound like he was totally over her. But in actual fact, badmouthing her was a sign that he wasn't over her at all. Take care and I'm sorry you hurt
Author jennisfora Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 i think it had been at least 3 years or so, but he did have a couple gf's before me, and I really don't know how long ago his last gf was. he mentioned a lot of his exes, and was friends with some of them on fb. yes, what you say makes sense. i probably was a rebound. not sure if it's from the ex wife, or an ex gf. but it doesn't really matter who i suppose. i will be wary next time a guy tries this.
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