NailBiter Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) Hello...Long story short: together 3 years, first love, dumped me Oct 2010. Very limited contact over the first 8 months (a few text exchanges), bumped into her randomly one day last spring and walked away from her after saying hi. Never heard from her again. I still find myself thinking about her a lot. Some times it brings a smile to my face, sometimes I feel nothing, but most of the time it depresses me to no end. I don't know why I'm posting this. Is there anyone else that can relate to believing that they will never get over someone after so long? I feel like I shouldn't be getting so depressed over thoughts of her on such a regular basis. I can't go more than a few hours without thinking about her, and I can't go more than a few days wiithout getting depressed about it. It's getting better but I'm wondering what else I can do... There's nobody or nothing else in the world that has ever made me feel like this. I hate feeling weak, sad, angry, worthless, etc, just because I had a random moment of thinking about her. I hide it from all my friends/family because I don't want to burden them with this after so long. Is there something wrong with me or is this 'normal'? Edited March 23, 2012 by NailBiter
sleepykitten Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 hi Nb, well, its been 10 mths since my ex ended it and its been a long struggle and i have been nc since jan, and although I dont want him back etc the hurt he caused and how he handled things still feels pretty fresh. I think its normal after a long term relationship to still feel something and i have heard of people yrs on still feeling occasional sadness about ex's I think if you spend a considerable amount of time with someone and are close to them its only natural to still relive certain moments and this will trigger feelings etc, the key is to know when you are most suseptible to them. I know for me if I am down generally, or something stressful has happened it tends to exaccerbate me "missisng" him, or not so much him bit the thought of what we could of had or rather what I thought we had and then my mind goes into overdrive.
Author NailBiter Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 Thanks for the reply. Yea I find myself thinking about her more when I'm down about something. I don't only miss the relationship we had, but also the friendship. I had friends that I've known my entire life, but I never had a better friend than her. I try to focus on the negative aspects of her personality and negative things she did to me near the end and how she handled the breakup. Nothing seems to be able to fill the void that was left by her. Even when I'm having a good couple of days I feel like something is missing because she's not there to share it with. It really hits my self esteem hard when I'm doing everything I should be and still can't forget about her...
Renard99 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Hi NailBiter I agree with SleepyKitten. Having been with someone for so long, especially someone who touched your heart deeply, it's hard to get them out of your thoughts. I was with my ex for 7 years before she left me. That was 16 months ago and I still think about her. Like you, I occasionally smile, somethings feel angry and other times I simply don't care. I recently met someone new and she's far better for me than my ex ever was, yet I still think of her. I don't want her back, I can see now that there were a lot of things in the relationship that made me unhappy without me realising it, yet I still occasionally think of her. I think it's purely because, after so long together, someone can really deeply touch your heart, often in a way that someone else can't because everyone is different. They say we are all shaped by what we do and who we meet in life. I feel that thinking of the ex after all this time is just a part of that. 1
Author NailBiter Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 Thanks for sharing. I guess I'm just becoming more frustrated that it's been a year and a half and I still love her as much as I did the day before we broke up. My stupid heart refuses to let go even after my brain has been telling it to for a year. Sometimes the thought that she's been over me for a long time while I'm still suffering from time to time really pisses me off and makes me sad. Feels good to vent on here though.
Kamila Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Been together for 2.5 y and broke up 1.5 y ago. With spring coming up and today we would have celebrated our 4 y together, I can't help but feel sadness in my heart. It's normal you feel this way. Everyday you find ways to be happy without them. Meeting new people helps a lot.
flyman Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Hey everyone, I'm glad to find this post at this time. I'm just like you Kamilia, 2.5 years and we've been apart for about a year and a half. There are some ups and downs, but I still feel like I have something for her. I had a dream about her last night, I hate to admit it to people, but I think I do. I don't want people to still hear the same story again. My life is 100x better since we broke up. I know that she isn't the right fit for me. Yet, she is everywhere in my mind.
proactivedreamer Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 I feel a deep sadness when I think of my ex. We have both moved on-it has been 13 months, but I still think of him. I still try not to look at his fb too much because I still feel triggered, and even though I am happy for him and his gf, I feel immensely saddened seeing him with her. I am with someone else who I really care about and feel strongly for, but I don't know that I will feel as strongly for this person as I did my ex. It's still hard for me to listen to certain songs, and I try to avoid reaching out to him because I still have a sore spot for him. It took me almost to the end of 2011 to really let go, but memories of us are very intrusive and find myself thinking about him. I say he is the one that got away because that is how it feels. I know how you feel OP.
Author NailBiter Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 It's good to know I'm not the only one out there still hurting after so long. I feel like there are so many things I miss about her on a daily basis. I just want to forget her already. I feel like I've done my time in jail and now they won't let me out. Everywhere I go shes in the back of my mind. I catch myself talking or thinking certain ways and I know I got it from her. She's part of who I am. I want to cut that part out of my brain but I can't. I'm also jealous of her because I know she got over me a long time ago, made a ton of friends, probably slept with a few guys guilt free...I can't even imagine going out with someone without feeling like I'm cheating on her. Cheating on the girl who dumped me out of the blue over the phone a day after everything seemed fine. I want to rip my heart out so I can just be a cold bastard that doesn't have to deal with this anymore...It makes me feel so weak, I can't stand it anymore...
nowwhatnow Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 It's good to know I'm not the only one out there still hurting after so long. I feel like there are so many things I miss about her on a daily basis. I just want to forget her already. I feel like I've done my time in jail and now they won't let me out. Everywhere I go shes in the back of my mind. I catch myself talking or thinking certain ways and I know I got it from her. She's part of who I am. I want to cut that part out of my brain but I can't. I'm also jealous of her because I know she got over me a long time ago, made a ton of friends, probably slept with a few guys guilt free...I can't even imagine going out with someone without feeling like I'm cheating on her. Cheating on the girl who dumped me out of the blue over the phone a day after everything seemed fine. I want to rip my heart out so I can just be a cold bastard that doesn't have to deal with this anymore...It makes me feel so weak, I can't stand it anymore... my ex bf dumped be about a year and a half ago after dating for 2 years and i finally went on date recently and it just made me feel worse. i also felt like i was cheating on him and the whole time i just wished it was him. its been so long and somedays i feel like it is as fresh as the day it happened. i really feel like i am just stuck in a rut and cannot see any light at the end of this tunnel
ludovico Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 just my two cents... i've been single now for 26 months - and yes, I still think about my ex every day - even though she treated me horribly... I can totally relate to your statement... "I feel like I've done my time in jail and now they won't let me out." But the reality is we do it to ourselves... does it get better? yes. but only with the determination to get over them, and with time. not to be crass, but i recently hooked up with someone (the first woman since my ex) and there were two things that really stood out for me... 1 - when it was over, I still felt empty and lost because i prefer a deeper connection in a monogamous relationship 2 - the sex itself was great and made me realize that my ex wasn't the be-all end-all of lovers - this isnt to say that our relationship was soley based on the physical, but it was a big part of it... so why tell you that? because 2 years ago i would never have even entertained the idea of being with another woman - hell, 6 months ago i wasnt even ready... but like i said, determination + time = healing... so why do i think about my ex every day still? i think it comes down to habit, curiousity, and nostalgia... we miss the routine of them being there when we want to talk to them - habits are tough to break - and its like you've lost a piece of yourself so you are constantly searching for it.... we are curious to know what they are doing today (we all want what we cant have right?), and we reminisce about a time when things were going well for us and we were happy... now, clue into the reality of your situation - most of us that have been dumped probably would not take our exes back - even if we wanted to, could we trust them? i doubt it... but you can learn to trust someone else - eventually... you have to do all the stuff they say in those "get over your break up" articles... focus on you only, buy some new clothes, start working out, go on a trip, figure out what you want from life - better yourself! my point is, it gets better. its not easy, and you definitely will have your bad days (i still have them frequently - especially if i cave and do the google/facebook creep)... but you have to keep going... when i feel really depressed i say to myself "dude, man up, and stop being a little bitch!" LOL the only thing that will help you get over her is sheer determination... don't give up! don't let their decision, and their judgement of you define the rest of your life! if you're going through hell... keep going... 1
Author NailBiter Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Good stuff ludovico. I love that Churchill quote. I'm having a better day today. One of those days where I woke up thinking about her but it didn't feel like I was kicked in the balls. I would still give my ex another shot if she came back. I love her enough to think that I would eventually be able to gain back my trust for her. But there is no point discussing that topic since I know she'll never come back. Hooking up with someone isn't really an option for me right now even if I wanted to. It's pretty much impossible to attract girls when your self esteem is so low. Plus I'm living with my parents while I save up to buy my own place. No good looking girl is going to hook up with an almost 24 year old guy who lives with his parents, doesn't drive and doesn't have a good job. You're on to something when it comes to feeling like you're missing a part of yourself. I am only really close with a couple of people outside of my family. Even then, none of those friendships came anywhere near how close I was with my ex. When your ex is your best friend it makes getting over it so much harder. I entertained the idea of becoming just friends with her after a few months, then reality kicked in and I knew I could never just be friends. I've gone through several chunks of time where I was super determined to get over her. Lately I feel like I've plateaued. I haven't made any progress in any area of my life other than my bank account in the past 3 months. I guess it's just a rut that I'll naturally work myself out of. It sure as hell isn't nearly as bad as I felt last year at this time.
broken-and-lost Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 your not alone m8, its been the same amount of time for me and i find myself in the same boat she is still very much on my mind daily and i also want my get out of jail card
marqueemoon4 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 My ex wife left in May 2010.. divorce final in July 2011. She's pregnant and engaged to some lowlife who has left two marriages already. She's put me through hell, but I still think about her daily. Its very hard to have to see her twice a week to pickup/dropoff our 5yr old son. He hates it too.
Author NailBiter Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Damn, moon...I'm not sure if your situation makes me feel good for not getting that far with my ex or feel really bad that she did that to you. Broken...we will recover, we just need more time...
flyman Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Well said Ludovico, I can totally relate to the part where you look at yourself in the mirror and say: WTF, MAN UP *insert any swears*. Sometimes you need a bitch slap to wake up and stop dwelling on the past. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Well said Ludovico, I can totally relate to the part where you look at yourself in the mirror and say: WTF, MAN UP *insert any swears*. Sometimes you need a bitch slap to wake up and stop dwelling on the past. A dear friend told me today to stop dwelling on my ex and his abuse and the fact that he has this new girlfriend who he is very happy with; she seems perfect. My friend said that new g/f just got the booby prize and she doesn't know what she is in for yet because it's still the honeymoon period. I could not stop laughing and it put it in a whole new light for me:) Why dwell on him? He certainly isn't thinking of me. 1
flyman Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 A dear friend told me today to stop dwelling on my ex and his abuse and the fact that he has this new girlfriend who he is very happy with; she seems perfect. My friend said that new g/f just got the booby prize and she doesn't know what she is in for yet because it's still the honeymoon period. I could not stop laughing and it put it in a whole new light for me:) Why dwell on him? He certainly isn't thinking of me. You are right, it is very frustrating to know that they probably aren't thinking of us while we still think of them. Getting mad and dwelling about it will change absolutely nothing. It reminds me of the quote: “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the **** on.” ― Tupac Shakur 1
Author NailBiter Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 That whole MAN UP thing doesn't work on me in this situation. I've tried it many times. I've manned up in the sense that I haven't broken NC in over a year. Last time I ran into her I said hi with a smile on my face and walked away. Forgetting about her isn't that simple. I wish it was. Getting angry at her or myself helped me cope for a long time, but I can't use that as a tool anymore. It stresses me out and ends up leaving me more depressed than before. I'm going to try giving myself 15 minutes a day to fully obsess over her. Whenever I'm feeling down or sad or angry about her I will tell myself to wait until my obsession time. I've tried everything else, maybe this will work.
NYOrLAGuy Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Hey NailBiter, how you doin' m'man... just found this thread and wanted to chime in. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Been broken up with my ex for almost a year now, been about 5 months NC (which were all initiated by me... she was the dumper). I had been doing the stupid facebook creep the past month or so, and knew the day would come, and 2 days ago the profile pic finally changed... to her with her new man. Cuts like a knife, and I don't know why I'm still punishing myself so much time later. I wish I had answers for you man, but just wanted to at least say there are people out there who understand... all too well. I'm using this an an opportunity to finally try and break through once and for all. We all have to at some point...
Author NailBiter Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 I've been better the past week aside from a brief 15 minutes a few days ago where I was obsessing about it. I could feel my heart beat going way up and my hands started shaking a little. After I worked through the emotions I felt better. I don't wake up thinking about her all the time now. She always crosses my mind sometime in the morning though. With spring starting it feels like I may finally be starting to turn the corner. I know I'll have lots of relapses when spring/summer activities trigger me. For now I'm trying to focus on the positives of spring. I can look up at a beautiful clear sky and not think of her every time. I can sit in a cafe and enjoy a rainy afternoon without thinking of her every time. Eventually I'll be able to choose when I think about her. Not yet, but soon.
Author NailBiter Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 (edited) I just remembered it's my ex's birthday today. My heart sank and I can feel it beating hard in my chest. It's like a shot of adrenaline. My hands are shaking, my stomach hurts, my head hurts. For the first time in a year I want to message her, but I won't. Edited April 5, 2012 by NailBiter
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I just remembered it's my ex's birthday today. My heart sank and I can feel it beating hard in my chest. It's like a shot of adrenaline. My hands are shaking, my stomach hurts, my head hurts. For the first time in a year I want to message her, but I won't. I totally know that feeling, friend, and trust all of us here who have been through it, it will pass. You will forget when her birthday is. When my ex didn't wish me a happy birthday, that is when I knew that that was completely that. ---he wishes ALL his lady friends happy birthday, but he hated me so much at the end, I was not worth the acknowledgement. In your case, you will have to let it go for you own peace of mind and happiness. It will all be okay. You just need to give it some time. If you need to, post in Coping under the thread "post here instead of contacting your ex". That way, you get to keep your dignity and pride, but get to vent and feel better. ((((((HUGS))))))
NYOrLAGuy Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I just remembered it's my ex's birthday today. My heart sank and I can feel it beating hard in my chest. It's like a shot of adrenaline. My hands are shaking, my stomach hurts, my head hurts. For the first time in a year I want to message her, but I won't. my ex's birthday is coming up the 20th. i know i won't be contacting her, and i know how much it sucks to think that I won't be the one spending the time with her, but rather this new guy. i'm going on 5+ months NC (unless you count a mass email i sent to everyone i know last month to pitch a Kickstarter movie project I'm doing) and it hasn't been getting any easier. i don't get as anxious as you do anymore, but i know the feeling. my first ever ex, from like 10+ years ago, when we were NC (and now we've been friends for years oddly enough) I remember my brain literally seizing up, like the gears were grinding to a halt as the thought that I'd never see her again. It hasn't been as bad with this recent ex, even though I loved her 10x more, and still believe she's the one. You know what pisses me off though? Tell me if your friends are like this... as much as all my friends are obviously in my corner, I've always said, what if, my ex just made a mistake, just didn't know what she had? Everyone was always saying to me how we're not for each other, she wasn't the one, blah blah, and it still pisses me off to hear that. Maybe she was the one, but she just made a tragic mistake. I still believe that, and maybe that's part of what's holding me back. Maybe I'm just babbling, but was curious to see how similar our situations are. Be well, dude.
NYOrLAGuy Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 haha, just reread the thread again from the beginning and saw how you said you kept this stuff your friends & family... i do the same thing, for exactly the reasons i mentioned above.
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