tipsyleprachauns Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 As the title thread says really. How is that in the process of recovery, one goes from wanting them and being attracted to them (the dumper) to not...? I find myself still hugely attracted to and wanting my dumper despite everything that she's done and I'm 3 and a half months/6 weeks into the break up. From people's experience, how does that ever change? And does it always change? It feels for me (and I'm sure many others) like I will never wake up and not be crazy about this girl. Is there a definitive moment in recovery where you can remember just not wanting them anymore - and can you pinpoint how that came about?
smudge21 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Can't answer that with my current situation as it seems to come and go, but judging from my past break ups (one in particular) I just recall not a sudden moment or an ending; but more that I realised I hadn't thought about her or anything. The connection, that emotional bond, had gone but I can't recall the moment it went. I just knew that she no longer meant anything to me. A year after that time I saw her again and it was like meeting an old friend - we laughed and got along, but once it was over I said see you around and walked away. Didn't feel a thing. 1
Author tipsyleprachauns Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 I just find it impossible... That after everything that has happened and how she behaved during the break up, she still means so much to me. Yet one day I'm support to expect she will mean nothing.
Jono85 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I just find it impossible... That after everything that has happened and how she behaved during the break up, she still means so much to me. Yet one day I'm support to expect she will mean nothing. for me, that was exactly how it happened for me. my ex behaved very coldly at times during the breakup. she turned into a person i never knew. to quickly summarize, she left me for her ex. but at the time of breakup and for a month or so after, she was "confused" and was still feeding me breadcrumbs that she'd never get with him again, and just needed some time until she came back to me. well i went NC for a bit. i eventually find out she picked up b/c she blocked me on facebook (we were not friends at this point, but i still checked her page daily basically) and put up a picture of her and her ex. i was so crushed and also livid that she would do this. i texted her a pretty nasty email. few hours later i apologized profusely for it, and said how crushed i was that she did that, without giving me any closure or anything first. she basically just said i was overreacting and that she was studying for finals and didn't have time for this now. i tried calling her several times that night, and texted her, nothing, she ignored me. i didn't try anymore after that, and we went a month without talking...she didn't even wish me a merry christmas...NOTHING. it was so cold. worst time of my life. esp since i knew she was with him. such a coward. anyhow, we eventually both met and apologized (which i planned b/c i needed closure). she chose him and wanted to be friends still but obv i had to go NC. moral of the story. i used to constantly replay how cold she was during the breakup and ask myself how could the girl of my dreams, the one, my future wife, EVER be capable of treating me like that. it was disgusting. the pain stayed for a long time, and there's still some pain there (1 year and 2 months later) but i for sure realized that i want nothing to do with her again. so i think it's easier if your ex treated u like crap during the breakup. i know that if she was very honest, and sincere, and basically was there for me when i needed her, then it would have been much harder to let go. in contrast, her image was destroyed after what she did, for good.
Lolita_Sky Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 As the title thread says really. How is that in the process of recovery, one goes from wanting them and being attracted to them (the dumper) to not...? I find myself still hugely attracted to and wanting my dumper despite everything that she's done and I'm 3 and a half months/6 weeks into the break up. From people's experience, how does that ever change? And does it always change? It feels for me (and I'm sure many others) like I will never wake up and not be crazy about this girl. Is there a definitive moment in recovery where you can remember just not wanting them anymore - and can you pinpoint how that came about? Trust me, it happens. I don't have any kind of attraction to my previous exes (excluding my most recent one) I could care less whether or not I see them again. I hardly remember the good times we had if anything all of our negatives moments have been magnified to the fullest and that is all I remember about them. It makes me think that the breakup happened for the best and that we truly were not meant for each other. And we weren't. I would never take any of them back. I have moved on to the point that I wouldn't even really want to be their friend....I have friends already. I had friends before they were even in the picture. They are a part of my past and they are best kept there.
rAFC Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 It will happen when you fall in love with someone new. It is never a good idea to rush into a new relationship though, you need time to process the break up and figure out what went wrong. After 3.5 months you are probably ready to start dating and see what the world has to offer.
coltsfan1 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I myself am still physically attracted to my EX, however I don't want to sleep with her or get her back. At the risk of sounding sexist I think that is much more common for we males to continue to be sexually attracted to our EX's. I don't want my EX back for 4 major reasons. 1. She was sleeping with me and someone else= poor decision/tramp 2. She needs to learn and grow without me. 3. I want/deserve a lady who WANTS to be with only me. 4. we are not at the same point in life, she is quite young. You will after time accept the truths in your relationship, both good and bad. Then you will move forward, these where the last two stages in my recovery.
1971 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I've been dumped from every single relationship I've ever been in. I've never been the dumper. I've always had a verrrrrrry long drawn out depressive phase after my breakups. With respect to being 'physically attracted'? I think you need to ask yourself: What do I like so much about this girl? It has to be WAY MORE than just physical attraction. The process of getting over somebody is what I'm going through right now. I was just dumped. Prior to this dumping, I was in a 9 year marriage to one of the hottest women I had ever seen. What made the difference? How did I get over them? With a lot of pain, but the common factor was TIME. Nothing heals better than time. While you are suffering during this time, I suggest you make a journal (it is wishy-washy, but it works for me). Relationships are almost never black and white. There are so many things that can be argued. While I was being dumped, I realized that my girl focused on all my negative aspects to justify her decision. While this is NASTY, it works. She's moved onto the next guy unscathed. I am her crushed, crying, missing her, and obessively going over and over what she's doing with the other guy right now. It's REALLY freaken painful, but it speeds up the process (in my opinion). You need to focus on what she did. It was her choice and you are powerless. I wish with all my heart that we could be back at it, but this is just daydreaming. Once they make the decision to break up nastily - then there's lack of stability, which will always linger. All of these things combine (whether she's with the next person or not) should make your once attractive ex - not so attractive anymore. I too, am suffering and am so ready to move on. I just keep writing over and over in my journal - until I get tired. I keep writing what happened and how she did it. I am a pretty weak guy, and need to keep reminding myself so that I don't crack and start heading her way again. Believe me, I wish these things wouldn't happen. I'm so confused about what's going on out there. Why people just won't get along. I've always been sure when I set foot into a relationship, and have never dumped anybody. I wish people could be the same. It's a fantasy, I know, but the reality is crappy. I just look at this forum and realize how nasty people can be.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I waver between missing him----the person he was in the beginning, which later I found was phony and did not exist--to being relieved he is gone, for my life would be in a shambles if I was with him. There are days when I feel very sad and miss that charming man I would chat with, talk for hours on the phone with, play Scrabble, etc. It was a sweet time. But later, his true colors came out and that is the man I am afraid of. It will come in time; you can't force it. Don't let anyone tell you to stop being upset over it, either, you grieve on your timeline, not someone else's. I think of all the rotten things he did and relief sets in. I also think of his poor hygiene and that really helps me to get over the situation, LOL;) Think of what life would be like had you stayed together. I am slowly learning that there are reasons people leave our lives---and most of the time it's for a good reason. We just can't see that whole picture yet, but I have a feeling, we will be mighty thankful that this happened. 1
mike588 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I can't explain when or how it happened. It's just a matter of time and re-adjusting. I was dumped 7 months ago and even though I think about her on ocassion I don't get upset about her or the breakup anymore and I know one day I'll find someone better. You will too! 2
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I can't explain when or how it happened. It's just a matter of time and re-adjusting. I was dumped 7 months ago and even though I think about her on ocassion I don't get upset about her or the breakup anymore and I know one day I'll find someone better. You will too! You have a great attitude, Mike!!
mike588 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 You have a great attitude, Mike!! It wasn't easy but it's finally great to feel "normal" again...over the past many months my life was turned upside down...it's such a relief to feel this way again. I'm proud of my heart...it's been played...stabbed..burned and broken but somehow it still works! 1
69ways Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 As the title thread says really. How is that in the process of recovery, one goes from wanting them and being attracted to them (the dumper) to not...? I find myself still hugely attracted to and wanting my dumper despite everything that she's done and I'm 3 and a half months/6 weeks into the break up. From people's experience, how does that ever change? And does it always change? It feels for me (and I'm sure many others) like I will never wake up and not be crazy about this girl. Is there a definitive moment in recovery where you can remember just not wanting them anymore - and can you pinpoint how that came about? The minute she said she had sex with another bloke. Took me a week of not sleeping and now I agree with her , we have no future and I honestly started catching myself thinking:Oi you are not thinking of her s much. It took her a year to have sex but I feel disgusted at an emotional level as she called the same day se told me she had sex to say she was thinking of me and might made a mistake.... I can actually say that her effort to get over me because even if she left me , she still had feelings , made me understand that she did not deserve the love I given her before the break up but also 14 months after the break up. I wish her all the best and what a waste of 5 years that was....... Just happy about one thing, who ever she gets married to, she admits one thing:Like you , I will never find again.... Good luck to her, she will need it
Almond_Joy Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 As the title thread says really. How is that in the process of recovery, one goes from wanting them and being attracted to them (the dumper) to not...? I find myself still hugely attracted to and wanting my dumper despite everything that she's done and I'm 3 and a half months/6 weeks into the break up. From people's experience, how does that ever change? And does it always change? It feels for me (and I'm sure many others) like I will never wake up and not be crazy about this girl. Is there a definitive moment in recovery where you can remember just not wanting them anymore - and can you pinpoint how that came about? The only thing that answered this for me was time. I can't adequately put into words how the change occurred, and it took me a solid 6 months to get to the stage you're talking about. I guess for me the definitive moment was realizing I can't love someone who doesn't want me. I (and you) deserve to have reciprocated what is given. Longing for someone who is not in your life equates to a waste of your time, energy, and heart. Just take it a day at a time - you'll be okay . 1
69ways Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I just find it impossible... That after everything that has happened and how she behaved during the break up, she still means so much to me. Yet one day I'm support to expect she will mean nothing. Listen , they will always mean something, always, if you ever really cared
mike588 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Listen , they will always mean something, always, if you ever really cared So true but you will always mean something to them too if they really cared. Like sooo many of us here we wanted to know if they ever really loved us..if they really cared....I wonder and struggeled with that question for months then last month I finally found out she did...she contacted me numerous times telling me that she did....that she's sorry...regrets what she did and she said ...not a day goes by that she doesn't think about me. So take heart that you ex. does remember you...thinks about you and maybe one day she will reach out to you too! 1
69ways Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 So true but you will always mean something to them too if they really cared. Like sooo many of us here we wanted to know if they ever really loved us..if they really cared....I wonder and struggeled with that question for months then last month I finally found out she did...she contacted me numerous times telling me that she did....that she's sorry...regrets what she did and she said ...not a day goes by that she doesn't think about me. So take heart that you ex. does remember you...thinks about you and maybe one day she will reach out to you too! sure but for now their ego wins 1
mike588 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 sure but for now their ego wins Actually MY ego won by her contacting me!
69ways Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Actually MY ego won by her contacting me! Well mine contacted me 10 times in 14 months, the real ego crash is when they want u back and not when they call u as that is just another ego feed for them
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 sure but for now their ego wins My ex's ego won in that he found someone new despite how he abused a few of us ladies. he gets to go and be happy while some of us heal. He won.
jamie1987 Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 As the title thread says really. How is that in the process of recovery, one goes from wanting them and being attracted to them (the dumper) to not...? I find myself still hugely attracted to and wanting my dumper despite everything that she's done and I'm 3 and a half months/6 weeks into the break up. From people's experience, how does that ever change? And does it always change? It feels for me (and I'm sure many others) like I will never wake up and not be crazy about this girl. Is there a definitive moment in recovery where you can remember just not wanting them anymore - and can you pinpoint how that came about? Happening to me 2 m8 i cant believe how she has treated me since the breakup
mike588 Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Well mine contacted me 10 times in 14 months, the real ego crash is when they want u back and not when they call u as that is just another ego feed for them When mine contacted me the email..notes they were filled with sorrys...regrets but nothing about wanting to "try it again" I didn't know how to take it...was she just "dumping" her guilt and or waiting for me to bring it up...to see how I responded....if I'd mention wanting to try it again. I foolishly responded but didn't mention anything about getting back together so I know all she was doing was to see if I responded and to get that burden of guilt off her back that she has been carrying around. After putting all that hurt behind me it reopened that awful wound and now wish she wouldn't of contacted me.It set me back.
69ways Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 My ex's ego won in that he found someone new despite how he abused a few of us ladies. he gets to go and be happy while some of us heal. He won. U dont know that......His turn will come, if he is an a-hole as you say, his heart will be broken sooner or later.....I promise u that 1
69ways Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 When mine contacted me the email..notes they were filled with sorrys...regrets but nothing about wanting to "try it again" I didn't know how to take it...was she just "dumping" her guilt and or waiting for me to bring it up...to see how I responded....if I'd mention wanting to try it again. I foolishly responded but didn't mention anything about getting back together so I know all she was doing was to see if I responded and to get that burden of guilt off her back that she has been carrying around. After putting all that hurt behind me it reopened that awful wound and now wish she wouldn't of contacted me.It set me back. Never take them back the first try, make them work hard, I know is hard but just remember the agonising pain she caused to you and ensure the previous issues are solved.....
mike588 Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Never take them back the first try, make them work hard, I know is hard but just remember the agonising pain she caused to you and ensure the previous issues are solved..... Your soooo right.I really don't care anymore!! I'm ok now...if she want's to try it again she's got some SERIOUS work to do!!!!!!!!!!!!
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