brianne Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) I have been with the same man for 3 1/2 years with 2 (step)kids and our own home in both our names. Im not much for commitment, it scares the crap out of me. So this is a HUGE improvement for me. Ive always gone from one guy to another. But marriage got brought up the other day and bam theres that urge to cheat! The only men i talk to are ones who come into my work, i get 5 phone numbers a day on a bad day which i immediatly throw away after i politely say im happily married( i wear fake wedding ring at work) But lately theres one customer whose been coming in for over a year now who is gorgeous and i cant help but wonder about him! I dont want to be with anyone else other than my boyfriend i just dont know whats wrong with me! Y do i think of other guys! Also recently an old friend of mine started working across the street from my work so he comes in about everyday. He's "the one who got away" we always had our thing, hes one of my bestfriends we can go years without talking and then when we see eachother its like we never stopped hanging out. We've always been extremely flirty around eachother but have never actually done anything. The times never been right between us. Like right now we both are dating with kids. I dont think we could ever do anything besides be best friends, itd be weird, but ive been thinking about him alot lately too! I dont know what to do, i really do want to get married some day and i havent cheated or do i plan on cheating on him. I couldnt imagine losing him. Should i tell him how i feel? I dont want to make him feel like i dont want to be with him. I dont think ignoring is working too well.. I was thinking bout talking to my bestfriend, the one i was just talking bout because he would understand. but i dont think i want to openely talk to him bout how we have feelings for eachother like that. other pieces of story- I have a history of cheating, i get dont like being comfortable. I probably wouldnt have given my boyfriend a chance if i hadnt gotten attatched to the kids. He is my bestfriends older brother, never thought of him as anything other than her slightly ackward older brother. The kids mother died a month before i decided to date my bf. The kids mother and my bf were seperated 7 years prior. The kids are my "step" kids. Ive been taking care of them since they were born way before we ever got together. But he treats me amazing, hes the guy every girl dreams about. He leaves me love notes around the house, buys me flowers and jewerly just because.Takes me out whenever we have same day off. He tells me every single day he loves me. He stands up for me when needed. He cooks, does dishes, cleans the house and buys 90% of the food! He makes 4x as much as me so he buys most of the food.. He would do anything for the kids and i and i really am happy with him. Although we really dont actually see eachother much anymore. He works 1st and i got transfered to 3rd for my promotion 6 months ago. We both work 6 sometimes 7 days a week so although we live together i only see him two sometimes 3 times a month? Most of the time i feel like a single parent I feel guilty enjoying being noticed by men besides him.. Edited March 23, 2012 by brianne
sad puppy Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Sounds like this guy is financially and emotionally taking care of you, sounds like a great guy. You should move out on your own, take financial care of yourself, and live the single life. Cut this guy loose so he can find a woman who will appreciate his wonderful qualities. Then you can date all these other guys. Problem solved. 2
carhill Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 IMO, IC could really help you. First and foremost, since you are in a committed LTR, it could help you with presenting a different aura than the one which collects five phone numbers/solicitations a day, using your example. There's a facet of your psyche which is communicating this availability to men. Counseling will help with that. IMO, you'd be far better served talking with a neutral and professional third party about your issues than a friend with whom you've 'had a thing for' and 'flirted with' over years. Give it a try and see how it goes. Welcome to LS 1
sad puppy Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 IMO, IC could really help you. First and foremost, since you are in a committed LTR, it could help you with presenting a different aura than the one which collects five phone numbers/solicitations a day, using your example. There's a facet of your psyche which is communicating this availability to men. Counseling will help with that. IMO, you'd be far better served talking with a neutral and professional third party about your issues than a friend with whom you've 'had a thing for' and 'flirted with' over years. Give it a try and see how it goes. Welcome to LS Yes, this struck me as well, very insightful. It is odd especially in a "work" situation.
maybealone Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I agree with the IC recommendation. Get to the bottom of why commitment freaks you out so much and try to deal with it before you lose a great guy. Otherwise you might cheat, lose this guy, find another one, and cheat on him too. Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying being noticed by other men. But these are men who see your fake wedding ring and hit on you anyway, so they aren't exactly worth your time. As for "the one who got away," you don't know what he would be like in a relationship. It's easy to project the image of the great relationship on a guy you have never been with. Reality might be very different. I highly recommend IC. Don't risk losing out on some great things in life because of a fear of commitment.
Owl Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Is your BF aware of your past cheating, your committment issues, and your current thoughts/concerns? He should be...and needs to be ASAP. He needs to decide for himself if he wants to take the risk of continuing a relationship with you, given ALL of the information. 1
The Blue Knight Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 I have been with the same man for 3 1/2 years with 2 (step)kids and our own home in both our names. Im not much for commitment, it scares the crap out of me. So this is a HUGE improvement for me. Ive always gone from one guy to another. But marriage got brought up the other day and bam theres that urge to cheat! The only men i talk to are ones who come into my work, i get 5 phone numbers a day on a bad day which i immediatly throw away after i politely say im happily married( i wear fake wedding ring at work) But lately theres one customer whose been coming in for over a year now who is gorgeous and i cant help but wonder about him! I dont want to be with anyone else other than my boyfriend i just dont know whats wrong with me! Y do i think of other guys! Also recently an old friend of mine started working across the street from my work so he comes in about everyday. He's "the one who got away" we always had our thing, hes one of my bestfriends we can go years without talking and then when we see eachother its like we never stopped hanging out. We've always been extremely flirty around eachother but have never actually done anything. The times never been right between us. Like right now we both are dating with kids. I dont think we could ever do anything besides be best friends, itd be weird, but ive been thinking about him alot lately too! I dont know what to do, i really do want to get married some day and i havent cheated or do i plan on cheating on him. I couldnt imagine losing him. Should i tell him how i feel? I dont want to make him feel like i dont want to be with him. I dont think ignoring is working too well.. I was thinking bout talking to my bestfriend, the one i was just talking bout because he would understand. but i dont think i want to openely talk to him bout how we have feelings for eachother like that. other pieces of story- I have a history of cheating, i get dont like being comfortable. I probably wouldnt have given my boyfriend a chance if i hadnt gotten attatched to the kids. He is my bestfriends older brother, never thought of him as anything other than her slightly ackward older brother. The kids mother died a month before i decided to date my bf. The kids mother and my bf were seperated 7 years prior. The kids are my "step" kids. Ive been taking care of them since they were born way before we ever got together. But he treats me amazing, hes the guy every girl dreams about. He leaves me love notes around the house, buys me flowers and jewerly just because.Takes me out whenever we have same day off. He tells me every single day he loves me. He stands up for me when needed. He cooks, does dishes, cleans the house and buys 90% of the food! He makes 4x as much as me so he buys most of the food.. He would do anything for the kids and i and i really am happy with him. Although we really dont actually see eachother much anymore. He works 1st and i got transfered to 3rd for my promotion 6 months ago. We both work 6 sometimes 7 days a week so although we live together i only see him two sometimes 3 times a month? Most of the time i feel like a single parent I feel guilty enjoying being noticed by men besides him.. Brianne, for goodness sake. You just answered your own question in bold. Read all the unhappy postings here of women married to men who don't do 1/100th of what your guy does and be happy you landed such a great guy. You're attitude has to change in order for you to change. If you feel like you've always been a cheater then you're going to continue to think that way and eventually cheat. If you think in terms of being happy and content and blessed with the man you have, then your actions will reflect that. It's time to renew how you view relationships, but most of all, learn to be content when you have what you spelled out above.
Author brianne Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 I posted this in another thread about this same thing, so instead of typing the same thought in different words im just going to re-post. I have always gone from one relationship to the other, but i feel like ive changed completely. I no longer go out ever and i never want to. I barely talk to any of my old friends. i quite drinkin, smoking, everything. I used to go out every single night and ive always had many friends, but not anymore. I feel like all my old friends still act like were 16. Thats one of the big things my old friend and i have really connected with because he's the only one who has changed his whole life like me. As for our relationship i feel like its just a friendship. He's always been one of my bestfriends, yeah we've always flirted but were just flirty people. He's one of those rare friends in life who always knows exactly how to make me feel better. We can go years without talking and when we do see eachother again its like we never stopped talking. I started this thread just because i was having old friends making me think maybe i havent changed. Because i do look forward to seeing him and talking to him. But its just because he understands me, he's my bestfriend and i've been really needing someone to talk to lately. I started to doubt if our friendship was a bad thing because i got told we couldnt be friends that weve always had a "thing". But as of right now i think I think that we can be just friends because we BOTH have changed. Also the personal things we talk about is my family issues with my mom, dad, and sisters and we also talk about our kids. Not about sex as many assumed! Also yes my boyfriend does know everything, he knows ive reconnected with my old friend and he knows everything about my past since ive known him since i was 7. We have also discussed me possibly changing jobs. We can afford a slight paycut if it means we get to be together again..maybe. Although this is a extremely hard decision for me. Ive been working to be where im at in this company for 7 years now, i love my job and i make great money! To start at the bottom again is extremely hard thing for me. I would have to start at about 1/3 of what i make now. Being able to pay my own has always been a huge deal to me! but if it has to come down to my family and my job i'll always choose my family.
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