1971 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Mid 2010, we meet and slowly become ***true friends*** over the next 10 months. She meets some dude, and I am happy for her. We maintain our friendship, which only grows stronger. She seems like she knows what she wants. As a friend, I'm happy for her. We do continue to get to know each other better and better at work, and truly do enjoy working together. At some point she tells me her relationship goes sour with the dude. Nothing happens differently for us, as we continue to head out for dinners and drinks as true friends. All this time, I really don't even find the girl attractive, and just appreciate her more and more for who she is. Mid 2011, we get drunk one night and mutually end up in bed together. It was terrible. It was because we were both friends, and the situation was truly awkward, but we wanted it to happen. Over the next 2 weeks things got a bit better, but there was a huge problem: her ex, who she IS SURE she would never get back to, was coming to town for a week. I went nuts during the week he was here, and the day he was supposed to leave, IT WAS DELAYED BY TWO DAYS. I lost it and drove by her house that same day and she got pissed and broke it off... We did not talk for a week or so, and the ex left. I ran into her, and pushed for things to start up again. She grudgingly agreed. It lasted another 6 weeks and things were pretty bad. She spoke to me pretty badly, and finally kicked me out of her house one night because I was 'too overbearing'. I stopped talking to her because of the way she spoke to me. After a few days, I accepted her decision and told her we work together, and would accept her friendship without any expectations. A week goes by and she comes at me with 'I wanna give this a try'. It was not my expectation. We 'gave it a try' according to her for another 5 months but on a regular basis she would remind me that I don't turn her on, am hairy, and that she wasn't happy. Her tone of voice was/is always critical and borderline insulting but without swearing. And she was always quick to point out negative things in any situation. I guess I have the battered wife syndrome, because I did continue to be happy. A weekend out, or dancing at a bar with her was all I needed to keep me going for the week. I paid for everything *because I want to*, and always took care of her in everyway I could. She was also annoyed because of the amount of time I wanted to spend with her. She even told me not to expect to spend any time with her during the winter holidays with her, because she would be too busy. But when the holidays came around, she was pretty available to hang, and did initiate time spent together. The only problem is: she said 'little things' that normally would not annoy her, were annoying her (that I did) and she doesn't know why. In general, she says she's a very polite person in relationships, but with me, she's always snapping at me and being rude to me and she's not happy about it. She doesn't know why it's happening. After our winter holidays, we go back to work for 5 weeks. All is pretty ok. Then we go to a tropical island together, which ends up with her telling me she's had a great time. 9 days after we get back, some scrawny (TOTAL MISMATCH) guy SEVEN years younger than her asks her for a drink and she breaks up with me within 24 hours. Because of our intertwined interdepence together at work, this breakup is actually occuring just 30 days before the biggest (16 hour) examination of my life. She knows I am emotionally more involved and invested into the relationship than she is. She knows that leaving me would be devastating to my ability to study for this exam. And as she's breaking up with me, she's even admitting that she thinks I'm in love with her. She's also admitting that after just 1 date with the other guy, nothing would come out of it, and she would not go out with him alone again. Yet she said should would see him a second time to tell him this. On this 'second date, meant to tell the guy nothing would happen', I'm texting and calling her to call me when she gets in, and she does not. I called her house at 1AM because I'm pissed that she at least didn't text back to say 'can't talk now/tonight'. She was apparently sitting in his apartment til 12am having rum, explaining why they cannot be together. She told me this when she lost it on me the next day. She said I had no balls, no self esteem and no dignity for crying for her to come back. I am devastated, needing alcohol and high dose sleeping pills to fall asleep, not to mention I have the biggest exam of my life to study for. I've left town to study and have had to take a special 30 day leave of absence from work, because I don't want to hear from her ever again. We vowed friendship, but I cannot trust her because of the way she hurt me, especially at a critical point like 30 days just before a life defining exam. In the meantime she's showing up to parties with her new found friend, and of course, they are showing up 'as just friends' which is totally what she wants. There's no way of knowing what's going on. And in the meantime, through our work email, she's sent me a couple of little polite but unnecessary messages and wishes. Of course, I have not responded. I've spent the last 3 weeks trying to prepare for my exam, but the majority of my thoughts are wasted on all the crap I've been through. She dredged up all of our, *actually my* negative points. She destroyed whatever little self esteem I had and then within 24 hours went out with some other dork *and believe me people agree that he's a dork*. I'm in shock, after 6 months, that somebody could do this, at such a critical time. In the days during the breakup, she kept calling and coming around, trying to solidify plans for us to be friends linked by certain activities. It seemed like a lovely idea, but now that I've spent 3 weeks of torture trying to study with heartbreak, I realize she couldn't have given a **** about my well-being as she went ahead and made that break-up decision. In short, I've ignored every message and email from her. Believe me, I want her back, but I think it's done. I am one of the most positive people out there, but I've filled a thick blank journal with repetitive pages of what's happened, and all the reasons she couldn't give a **** about me. I cared for her so much that I have to repeat the same lines in the book over and over again just to remind myself of what happened. My friends say I haven't smiled in a month. It's a shame, and it's her loss. I will have to work with her closely for the next 13 months, but in my world, she is non-existant. I will ignore her to the fullest when she's around. That's my story.
wibe Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Never ever give up. You can check this forum, there are plenty of fantastic and good stuff. I love it, or even just download some free stuff. For me it was very helpful as I was newbie! I remember that in short time period someone suggest me some book called "Got suck a Lemon" from amazon, it is about emotional intelligence. For me it is like for intermediate level and for newbies good resources of 5 free e-books for FREE at beginning. Why to pay for some books? Please let me know how it works for you. Hope it helps. Resource: How to make him want you back again Cheers Wibe
Chi townD Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Dude, you need to work on yourself. The fact that she was listing all the bad points about you was a way to justify in her head that you aren't the guy for her. So, she can ease her own guilt for ending the relationship and sleeping with this other guy (and you KNOW she did! Staying at this guy's place till 12AM "drinking rum" and telling him it's over. That should have been a really quick conversation. So, she's lying to you.) Time to do some healing, dude. Focus as much as you can on your exams. I take it it's for your work. So, it can only help your future and your financal future. Go to the gym, run on the threadmill and push some weight! It's a great stress buster. Get a new hairstyle and buy a new wardrobe. If you are that hairy...then maybe some manscaping should be in order. Then, plan a trip to a place you've always wanted to go on and just go! Leave her wondering who you're taking.
Author 1971 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) This other guy is just NOT for her. I am SURE of it. I am way better than him. And, I am VERY hairy, but am spending lots of money getting rid of it. I've lasered my back, and will soon start my chest. I do go to the gym, and am better looking than the other guy (and 16 years older) - I am 40, he is 24, she is 31. I have been all over the world, and am not 'nerdy' as she describes the other guy. In fact, I know the other guy and he's a dork. What's crazy is you're right. I am pretty sure she's lying to me. She's done something *most likely slept* with the other guy. I think she will eventually regret what she did and come back to me. I woke up this morning bashing myself in the side of the head (literally). It's all red now. I don't know what's changed. I haven't had many relationships. I had one that ended when I was 21. It was my first. I ended up going the next 8 years without any relationships. No sex. Nothing (I went on 1 or 2 dates). Then I met my ex wife. We stayed together for 9 years. Since our divorce, I've been single, and really enjoying it. No women, no dating, nothing. No drama. No feelings for anybody. It was safe, and secure. I was happy. Then, I met this girl, who was my true friend to begin with. I've always thought those make the best relationships - based on true friendship first. I'm destroyed. I still can't accept what's happened. Edited March 23, 2012 by 1971
Chi townD Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) See, you have a quasi-positive attitude and I like how you defend your self-worth. Because you ARE worthy of someone that is going to treat you right. A girl that is going to stand by you no matter what. I truely believe that there is a girl out there that is for you and you alone. That fits you in every facet of life. That has some common interests as you and supports you in the ones that you don't. That can and will love you unconditionally and the only thing she will ever ask of you is for you to do the same. She's out there right now. And she waiting for you to find her. Until then, I strongly recommend that you seek out individual counseling and see your doctor. I don't like the fact that your hitting yourself just so you can feel something or because your frustrated. Regardless, I would still see a counselor to help you cope. There's NOTHING wrong with that. Trust me on this. ANd I still say travel somewhere. Get out of your normal setting. You said you've seen the world. Well, I'm a world traveler. The world is a big place and I KNOW I haven't seen it all. Get out of the norm and get out of your comfort level and settings. Edited March 23, 2012 by Chi townD
Author 1971 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 Thank you ChiTown. There is no opportunity for me to travel at this point. My work is just too restrictive. I am grateful there is a romantic out there like me. 'The right girl is out there' sounds fantastic. I won't totally shoot it down, but I am extremely pessimistic. She is who she is. She knowingly crushed me. She's sent me a little message wishing me a happy holiday through our work email but I've ignored it. I have no time to heal. My mornings are terrible. I spend hours in bed from about 5am (after several sleep meds) and it takes me a good 6 hours or so to get my daily tasks on a piece of paper so I can get going. Here we go. I'll get my day started finally 13:00 EST (this is BAD). I'll seek out a counselor, but I'll you this much. I AM a doctor and know the signs of major depressive episode. I'm there. I can't start meds because of this exam I have next week. I have a journal, which at one end is full of the things she did (very repetitve, because I could snap and want her back at any moment, even KNOWING she is with somebody else right now). The other end of the journal has a daily gratuity list. I've only completed it one day, with only 7 items on it. I've been told to dedicate my thoughts at the end of each day to POSITIVE things and to write 10 things EVERY NIGHT for which I am grateful. All of these things are helping in tids and bits here and there, but my mornings are awful. I will make a 3 month plan, which is to ignore her no matter what. I am CERTAIN this relationship with this guy will GO NOWHERE. This is what BURNS ME. We would have/could have been better. I will try to keep going. My bashed in head hurts a little less now.
Chi townD Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Thank you ChiTown. There is no opportunity for me to travel at this point. My work is just too restrictive. I am grateful there is a romantic out there like me. 'The right girl is out there' sounds fantastic. I won't totally shoot it down, but I am extremely pessimistic. She is who she is. She knowingly crushed me. She's sent me a little message wishing me a happy holiday through our work email but I've ignored it. I have no time to heal. My mornings are terrible. I spend hours in bed from about 5am (after several sleep meds) and it takes me a good 6 hours or so to get my daily tasks on a piece of paper so I can get going. Here we go. I'll get my day started finally 13:00 EST (this is BAD). I'll seek out a counselor, but I'll you this much. I AM a doctor and know the signs of major depressive episode. I'm there. I can't start meds because of this exam I have next week. I have a journal, which at one end is full of the things she did (very repetitve, because I could snap and want her back at any moment, even KNOWING she is with somebody else right now). The other end of the journal has a daily gratuity list. I've only completed it one day, with only 7 items on it. I've been told to dedicate my thoughts at the end of each day to POSITIVE things and to write 10 things EVERY NIGHT for which I am grateful. All of these things are helping in tids and bits here and there, but my mornings are awful. I will make a 3 month plan, which is to ignore her no matter what. I am CERTAIN this relationship with this guy will GO NOWHERE. This is what BURNS ME. We would have/could have been better. I will try to keep going. My bashed in head hurts a little less now. Hey, we have a lot in common. I'm a Doc too! Not a MD but I was in medicine for years (now I'm an Academic). Look, you need to understand she made a choice. Was it the wrong one? Probably. But, even if it was the wrong one and she made a mistake, that's a mistake she has to live with because you dont! I mean, come on! An educated man, a Doctor, and guy that has a sensitive side and can express his feelings? I seriously doubt you'll remain single for long. I think that if an when you do date again. I would just look at the date as nothing more than going out and having a good time. Nothing more, and nothing less. I wouldn't look at dates as an audition for a long time mate. Just....have fun. And it things progress, then great. If it doesn't then at least you got out and had a good time. Now, here's the hard truth. She ended with you because she wanted to be with the OM. She has been crappy towards you and she made the choice to have you out of her life. You may be right, and she may reach out to you in the future, but you really need to read this next statement.....ignore her. She made this choice, not you. Therefore, she needs to live with her actions. And as far as travel is concerned, you can manage a weekend getaway. Especially after you finish boards. Treat yourself! Celebrate!
marqueemoon4 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Its really the biggest cliche in the world, but so true.. if someone can't appreciate what you are and value in the world f em.. it really is their loss. period.
Author 1971 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 As she dumped me she kept repeating '...you're amazing, I mean it'. She kept repeating '...you took such good care of me, and I'm not used to that...' Well, here I am. I hope this is not against forum rules, but this link describes what I feel (to some extent). [COLOR=#8c5940]http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml[/COLOR] Your responses all make sense. I have NO CHOICE. I cannot continue to give her credit. She made this choice and I am powerless. All I can do is try these different things to forget about her. In the big picture, I will be ok, and move on with my life. I know when my time is up in the crap-hole city we both live in (WOW IT'S A CRAPPY CITY), I'll be ok. I'll move out of that city in mid 2013 forever, and never have to see her or think about her again. This pain, and her existence will be erased forever once I move. I just need to make a serious week to week plan on how to make her realize she's non-existent in my life for the next 13 months.
wilsonx Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 You need to work on your own self awareness and stop focusing on other people's faults. You say you were "True Friends." What is this? I dont have any true friends, I have friends. It's like you're convincing yourself you are better than anyone else. She was treating you like a friend but you can't see this because you have no self awareness. I read this and see, friendship that went to FWB, that went back to friendship on her end. You expected more on your end and are bitter that it did not work out and now pointing fault at her.
cincinnatikid Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 DUDE.. if you are gauging your self worth by what another woman (or even a man for that matter) thinks about you, then you have a lot of work to do and if im this girl, i wouldn't come near you with a ten foot pole. I don't have to tell you why if you would ask but I will for your sake ... 1. You appear to exhibit a lot of codependency 2. She's right, you don't have self esteem. If you did, you wouldn't chase her, beg her, etc. 3. You have no grip on reality. The girl has shown you that, at the very least, who you are right now is not what she wants at all. Why? Because even as you said, some lanky younger dude asked her out for a drink and she jumped at the chance because it was anything but YOU!!! I'm sorry, but sugar coating and patting someone on the back when they are down has never been the greatest solvent for me thus I don't give it out either. Do yourself a favor. Walk into your bathroom and pull down your pants. Realize you have a set of balls, that you are a man, and doing something else with your energy. I can assure you that you will feel much better. Oh, and do yourself another favor, leave her the F alone. You're only making it worse for yourself. Eventually your actions could be construed as stalking and their are repercussions for it. 2
Author 1971 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 True friends? I can try my best to answer you. Our work environment can be quite malignant. There are those who you say hi to, and there are a very select few you can actually trust. Our friendship started this way. It proceeded to continue outside of work. We hung out, went for dinner, and kept each other company while taking care of things relevant to work as well. We had a LOT in common. Even at this point, I would be happy for her to meet new people, and date guys, etc. I had NO attraction to her. Honestly. Being a close work friend, this was no even on the radar for me. I hope this answers the friend question. Am I bitter? I'm not sure I would call it that. I am depressed. I'm just in shock when these things don't work out. We had just come back from the caribbean together. We had booked a secret vacation away from work (my last of the year). She told me she had a good time. She always reminded me during the relationship she was not comfortable with our arrangement - but - on a deeper level, we always behaved like a true couple when we were in private. Either way, I am not blaming her. In fact, if you read the link I posted, I am really blaming myself. I'm a pretty self hating guy. I have ZERO self confidence. I have NEVER asked out a girl before (I am 40, imagine). I went EIGHT years without a relationship or sex from ages 21 to 29. I have serious self esteem issues. I was married for 9 years with the woman of my dreams and she left me for another guy because my career was moving along slowly. Now my career is back on track but things still are not working out. Don't get me wrong. With respect to social norms, I am a pretty normal looking guy. 6'1. 195lbs. Olive skin. My major faults are I'm hirsute and little large down there (I won't give sizes but I'm in the top 2% of sizes based on several scientific studies). I've had problems with ex's because of my size, but this has only made my foreplay skills better. This one who dumped me was a little small and this could have been a deal breaker. Still just an excuse if you ask me. Anyway, one thing I'm not is a hater. I don't hate her. In fact, even after all the disrespect and dumping, if she just apologizes and seems like she sincerely wants to try it, I'll take her back for the 3rd time. I hope this helps clarify my situation.
wilsonx Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 She always reminded me during the relationship she was not comfortable with our arrangement You typed an essay of crap trying to rationalize your perspective over hers. This is the only thing that matters. Learn to pay attention and listen. She wasn't comfortable with you
Author 1971 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 DUDE.. if you are gauging your self worth by what another woman (or even a man for that matter) thinks about you, then you have a lot of work to do and if im this girl, i wouldn't come near you with a ten foot pole. I don't have to tell you why if you would ask but I will for your sake ... 1. You appear to exhibit a lot of codependency 2. She's right, you don't have self esteem. If you did, you wouldn't chase her, beg her, etc. 3. You have no grip on reality. The girl has shown you that, at the very least, who you are right now is not what she wants at all. Why? Because even as you said, some lanky younger dude asked her out for a drink and she jumped at the chance because it was anything but YOU!!! I'm sorry, but sugar coating and patting someone on the back when they are down has never been the greatest solvent for me thus I don't give it out either. Do yourself a favor. Walk into your bathroom and pull down your pants. Realize you have a set of balls, that you are a man, and doing something else with your energy. I can assure you that you will feel much better. Oh, and do yourself another favor, leave her the F alone. You're only making it worse for yourself. Eventually your actions could be construed as stalking and their are repercussions for it. Thank you. This is an eye opener. The plan is to leave her the 'F' alone anyway. There's no question about that. I've ignored her since I left town but in less than two weeks I'll be working closely with her for another 13 months and this is where it gets tough. In a sick way I hope this lanky dude and her are getting along fine and that will make things easier for me. Other than their 'second date' I have not tried to contact her in the manner at all. She's contacted me via work and I've just ignored her. I do understand what you mean by stalking. I showed up to her house because she had ignored me the prior night and knocked on her door. This made her furious and she spent 30 minutes screaming at me on the phone while I sat in my car outside her complex. Pathetic, I know. I need to vent these things here because I know I am a freaken loser. I guess I'm desperate to move on, and am using every resource to me. You're right about not having BA_LS. I did cry in front of her and right after she dumped me I told her for the very first time that I loved her. She said I was 'romantic' and that 'how could you?' after the way she had treated me all those months (she admits she wasn't that good to me). I am co-dependent - you are right. I want to change these things, because I am blaming myself for this situation right now. As you said, she ran to the younger lanky guy, even admitting to me after their first date that she thinks he's a nerd and wouldn't see him alone again unless they were in a group together. Whatever. In the big picture, she's pulled her pants down and crapped on me twice in 6 months. I DO have to get a grip and move on. The only part is I am a really sensitive emotional guy, and this ruins me.
Author 1971 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 You typed an essay of crap trying to rationalize your perspective over hers. This is the only thing that matters. Learn to pay attention and listen. She wasn't comfortable with you OK. You are right. My heart is still broken though. 'I am so stupid' is in the title of this thread. I will do my best to learn and move on.
wilsonx Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Quick pointer, learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Once you achieve this, having someone be comfortable with you is easy! Just let her be and focus on you.
Author 1971 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 Quick pointer, learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Once you achieve this, having someone be comfortable with you is easy! Just let her be and focus on you. I have no choice. I have zero impact on her life now. We are done. I've been trying really hard to move on though...that's how I stumbled on this forum. Accepting my physical appearance will be a tough one, and I think I will need to take some self help courses or therapy. I'll take a deep breath and get working now. I'm giving this girl way too much importance in my life. Thank you.
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