brianne Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Im a horrible person i know but here's my story. Ive always gone from one guy to another, had my next boyfriend planned before i broke up with old one.. although i only actually cheated once. And by that i mean i never did anything with the next until i was single except for the one guy, but it was multiple times. That was when i was 17 and thought it already happened so what was it going to hurt if i continue to cheat. I dated them both for 9months, they were bestfriends before, i got them both to stop talking to eachother by saying the other was stalking me and talking **** about the other etc. To this day they still dont know. And now i am 26 and have been with the same man for 3 1/2 years with 2 kids and our own home in both our names. Im not much for commitment, it scares the crap out of me. Marriage got brought up the other day and bam theres that urge to cheat! The only men i talk to are ones who come into my work, i get 5 phone numbers a day on a bad day which i immediatly throw away after i politely say im happily married( i wear fake wedding ring at work) But lately theres one customer whose been coming in for over a year now who is gorgeous and i cant help but wonder about him! I dont want to be with anyone else other than my boyfriend i just dont know whats wrong with me! Y do i think of other guys! Also recently an old friend of mine started working across the street from my work so he comes in about everyday. He's "the one who got away" we always had our thing, hes one of my bestfriends we can go years without talking and then when we see eachother its like we never stopped hanging out. We've always been extremely flirty around eachother but have never actually done anything. The times never been right between us. Like right now we both are dating with kids. I dont think we could ever do anything besides be best friends, itd be weird, but ive been thinking about him alot lately too! I dont know what to do, i really do want to get married some day and i havent cheated or do i plan on cheating on him. I couldnt imagine losing him. Should i tell him how i feel? I dont want to make him feel like i dont want to be with him. I dont think ignoring is working too well.. I was thinking bout talking to my bestfriend, the one i was just talking bout because hes would understand. but im dont think i want to openely talk to him bout how we have feelings for eachother like that. Maybe im just not meant to settle down..
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 And now i am 26 and have been with the same man for 3 1/2 years with 2 kids and our own home in both our names. Im not much for commitment, it scares the crap out of me. Is he the father of your kids? hello - You're committed by having a family with this man! If you don't want marry, then don't, but you DO have responsibilities now as a mother, your kids deserve a stable and safe home. Instead of wanting to cheat, focus that energy into the guy you have at home. go on fun dates, and flirt with one another. Also, consider counselling to help you get over being a committment phobe. Does the guy you're with treat you well? is he a good father to your kids?
Eddie Edirol Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 What is it that youre not getting from your bf, that makes you look for it in someone else?
Black Jack Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Im a horrible person i know but here's my story. Ive always gone from one guy to another, had my next boyfriend planned before i broke up with old one.. although i only actually cheated once. And by that i mean i never did anything with the next until i was single except for the one guy, but it was multiple times. That was when i was 17 and thought it already happened so what was it going to hurt if i continue to cheat. I dated them both for 9months, they were bestfriends before, i got them both to stop talking to eachother by saying the other was stalking me and talking **** about the other etc. To this day they still dont know. And now i am 26 and have been with the same man for 3 1/2 years with 2 kids and our own home in both our names. Im not much for commitment, it scares the crap out of me. Marriage got brought up the other day and bam theres that urge to cheat! The only men i talk to are ones who come into my work, i get 5 phone numbers a day on a bad day which i immediatly throw away after i politely say im happily married( i wear fake wedding ring at work) But lately theres one customer whose been coming in for over a year now who is gorgeous and i cant help but wonder about him! I dont want to be with anyone else other than my boyfriend i just dont know whats wrong with me! Y do i think of other guys! Also recently an old friend of mine started working across the street from my work so he comes in about everyday. He's "the one who got away" we always had our thing, hes one of my bestfriends we can go years without talking and then when we see eachother its like we never stopped hanging out. We've always been extremely flirty around eachother but have never actually done anything. The times never been right between us. Like right now we both are dating with kids. I dont think we could ever do anything besides be best friends, itd be weird, but ive been thinking about him alot lately too! I dont know what to do, i really do want to get married some day and i havent cheated or do i plan on cheating on him. I couldnt imagine losing him. Should i tell him how i feel? I dont want to make him feel like i dont want to be with him. I dont think ignoring is working too well.. I was thinking bout talking to my bestfriend, the one i was just talking bout because hes would understand. but im dont think i want to openely talk to him bout how we have feelings for eachother like that. Maybe im just not meant to settle down.. If you feel like being with your boyfriend is "settling down" because you're pining for some stud you "missed" then you should break up with him. If you don't want to tell him that you're itching to sleep with some other dude then at least do the honors by letting him go. He doesn't deserve to be hurt.
Author brianne Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) The kids are my "step" kids. Ive been taking care of them since they were born way before we ever got together. Their mother died a month before i decided to get with there dad, they were long seperated beforehand though! I honestly dont think i would have given him a chance if it werent for the kids.. But yes he treats me amazing, hes the guy every girl dreams about. He leaves me love notes around the house, buys me flowers and jewerly just because.Takes me out whenever we have same day off. He tells me every single day he loves me. He stands up for me when needed. He cooks, does dishes, cleans the house and buys 90% of the food! He makes 4x as much as me so he buys most of the food.. He would do anything for the kids and i and i really am happy with him. Although we really dont actually see eachother much anymore. He works 1st and i got transfered to 3rd for my promotion 6 months ago. We both work 6 sometimes 7 days a week so although we live together i only see him two sometimes 3 times a month? Most of the time i feel like a single parent Edited March 23, 2012 by brianne
Black Jack Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 The kids are my "step" kids. Ive been taking care of them since they were born way before we ever got together. Their mother died a month before i decided to get with there dad, they were long seperated beforehand though! I honestly dont think i would have given him a chance if it werent for the kids.. Taking care of them while she was still alive? This doesn't smell right. So you got with him while he was still married to her, around the time she died, plus you have a past history of cheating. And now you've admitted you didn't care to much about being with the guy if it hadn't been for his kids. *sighs* But yes he treats me amazing, hes the guy every girl dreams about. He leaves me love notes around the house, buys me flowers and jewerly just because.Takes me out whenever we have same day off. He tells me every single day he loves me. He stands up for me when needed. He cooks, does dishes, cleans the house and buys 90% of the food! He makes 4x as much as me so he buys most of the food.. He would do anything for the kids and i and i really am happy with him. Although we really dont actually see eachother much anymore. He works 1st and i got transfered to 3rd for my promotion 6 months ago. We both work 6 sometimes 7 days a week so although we live together i only see him two sometimes 3 times a month? Most of the time i feel like a single parent And now you're tired of taking care of his kids because you want to jump to yet another man. It's best to let this one go.
Author brianne Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 I said they were seperated long beforehand 8 years before we got together to be exact! I started taking care of the kids because he is my old roommate/ bestfriends brother. And i say i dont think i would have givin him a chance if it werent for the kids because i grew up with him, i never thought of him as anything other than my bestfriends slightly ackward older brother.
Dust Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I know you must feel presured to stay but if you really want to leave then you should. DO NOT CHEAT. Just break up say this isn't what you want and then meet some one. You hurt yourself most of all when you cheat. You're making things chaotic. You may have not started dating this guy if you hadn't cheated your way in. Think about that. If though you love this guy and you're just getting scared then tell him you're scared. Work on things so you don't feel like a single parent. If it were me I'd break up though. DONT CHEAT>
Black Jack Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I said they were seperated long beforehand 8 years before we got together to be exact! I started taking care of the kids because he is my old roommate/ bestfriends brother. And i say i dont think i would have givin him a chance if it werent for the kids because i grew up with him, i never thought of him as anything other than my bestfriends slightly ackward older brother. Either way, if you're going to cheat, it would spare a lot of pain if you break up with him.
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Be honest with your boyfriend. Tell him everything! He deserves to know. Don't cheat. Seek counseling to see why you have such a predictable pattern of self destruction. You CAN change that about yourself, but you need help. Sick to honesty - you will never regret being honest.
Author brianne Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 Just to clarify i will NOT physically cheat on him. I feel like im mentally cheating on him by thinking about old flings and wondering about other guys. Im not willing to lose anybody in my life. But to me mentally cheating is just as bad as physically cheating on someone. I guess i feel guilty? for enjoying attention from other men. I feel bad for looking forward to seeing these other 2 men, i feel bad for talking to them about things i would normally talk to my boyfriend about if he was around.
Dust Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Just to clarify i will NOT physically cheat on him. I feel like im mentally cheating on him by thinking about old flings and wondering about other guys. Im not willing to lose anybody in my life. But to me mentally cheating is just as bad as physically cheating on someone. I guess i feel guilty? for enjoying attention from other men. I feel bad for looking forward to seeing these other 2 men, i feel bad for talking to them about things i would normally talk to my boyfriend about if he was around. You're a cheater its ok. It's time to stop though for you're own good. Setting up one relationship while you're still in another is complete cheating. I mean the only reason I will say it isn't as bad as screwing around on the side is because you won't pass STI's to you're unknowing partner. The fact is though if you're willing to set up a bf secretly on the side it won't be any suprise if you break that rule too. Just leave the guy you obviously are just staying with him out of insecurity while you set something new up. You'll take drama out of your life and get yourself a better new partner if you don't have to set things up on the down low while you cheat.
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I stand by my suggestion. It's still cheating. You've spent too much time thinking of other men. Break up with him and move out if you want someone else.
smudge21 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 So you constantly seek attention, especially male attention and you thrive off it. Often taking it further than a simple bit of flirting. You also are involved with the perfect guy, but it's still not enough as although he's giving you everything, you want more. You want that attention and the fact you know your guy is always around and there doesn't give you that same kick that you get from other guys. Your guy is honest and reliable, but that's not enough because you seek the challenge, the fresh challenge and the excitement that you think only comes from meeting new guys and having them feed your ego, and more. I'm going to take a stab in the dark here, but what was your childhood like, especially your relationship with your father or uncles/brothers. Basically, males in your life. Was it missing as opposed to others? Was it not as strict as others? Was basic discipline missing? I only ask from what I've been told by others - basically, when a girl doesn't have that strong male presence in her life from a young age it can affect how she deals with and treats men in her life - such as craving attention from them, wanting to be noticed and accepted, even loved, but then pushing them away and looking for the next "fix" once they've got what they want. Basically, they're reaching out for what they never had as a child/teenager. As I said, this is only something I've been told from a female friend (what she discussed with a therapist) who was very similar to you. Perfect boyfriend but did cheat on him and was always tempted but felt she couldn't stop herself. She always put it down to the fact she was with the beta male, but wanted the danger of the alpha male too, until she spoke to a professional. Obviously, I'm only passing on what I've heard, so maybe none of that applies to you in any way, but if you're unsure and want to get this resolved, maybe it's worth also speaking to a therapist. You may find this does stem back from childhood or something else. Once you start to open up and work on the reasons, you may just be able to change how you are... that's if you really want to. Hope you can, as it does sound to me like this could all end badly if you're not careful and you may totally end up regretting throwing so much away for basic temptation.
Author brianne Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 I dont seek male attention and dont go past casual flirting. I just get alot of male attention at my job. I havent done anything wrong yet, i just know my patterns well enough to know lately im enjoying the attention too much. Like i said i feel like a single parent, i miss my boyfriend only seeing eachother twice a month isnt working for me! But we want the best for our kids which means we gotta work ALL the time. Were doing great financially, we just dont get to actually spend time as a couple. As for my childhood you actually pretty much nailed it. My dad wasnt around ever, mom married before i was born had my step dad. when i was 11 he and my mom got a divorce and he disowed all of us kids. he was the one who made rules, without him we did what we wanted when we wanted.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 If you are actually attracted to him, then one of you has to change shifts so you can see each other more often, or your relationship will perish. It wont be a simple solution, but since youre working so much, you probably cant pay for therapy, I say go for the easy solution.
Menafee Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Geez judgy people! She clearly says she's not cheating. So your boyfriends not around and you enjoy still getting noticed by other men. So what? What female can honestly say they dont like being noticed from time to time?! You said yourself that you wouldnt be with your friend that you just feel guilty about talking about personal stuff you would normally talk to him about if he was around right? Isnt that what bestfriends do? Your not cheating. relax and enjoy it while it lasts! admitting you like being noticed by others isnt cheating, sorry...
Lauriebell82 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Geez judgy people! She clearly says she's not cheating. So your boyfriends not around and you enjoy still getting noticed by other men. So what? What female can honestly say they dont like being noticed from time to time?! You said yourself that you wouldnt be with your friend that you just feel guilty about talking about personal stuff you would normally talk to him about if he was around right? Isnt that what bestfriends do? Your not cheating. relax and enjoy it while it lasts! admitting you like being noticed by others isnt cheating, sorry... Enjoying getting noticed is one thing, having to wear a fake wedding ring and receiving 5 phone numbers while at work is quiet another. OP, I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about the lack of time you spend together. Don't mention the urge to cheat, but do say that you miss him and want to spend more time with him. So lets say he changes his work schedule and was around a lot. You no longer felt like a single parent and you spent more quality time together. Would you still feel this way?
Author brianne Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 I honestly dont think i would feel this way if we got to spend time together again. I was happy as ever for 3 years and i never felt like this once until 6 months ago when i got transfered to 3rd shift. I left work early 2night so i actually get to see him which feels great! Hes snoring away on the other couch, even though he's sleeping just being around him is making me feel like the happiest girl in the world!
Dust Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 I dont seek male attention and dont go past casual flirting. I just get alot of male attention at my job. I havent done anything wrong yet, i just know my patterns well enough to know lately im enjoying the attention too much. Like i said i feel like a single parent, i miss my boyfriend only seeing eachother twice a month isnt working for me! But we want the best for our kids which means we gotta work ALL the time. Were doing great financially, we just dont get to actually spend time as a couple. What are the things you talk to these guys about that you would normaly talk to your bf about? I mean that sounds more then casual. How do you litteraly jump from one relationship to the next if you havn't set something up to jump into? Geez judgy people! She clearly says she's not cheating. So your boyfriends not around and you enjoy still getting noticed by other men. So what? What female can honestly say they dont like being noticed from time to time?! You said yourself that you wouldnt be with your friend that you just feel guilty about talking about personal stuff you would normally talk to him about if he was around right? Isnt that what bestfriends do? Your not cheating. relax and enjoy it while it lasts! admitting you like being noticed by others isnt cheating, sorry... She said she talks to them about stuff she would normaly talk to her bf about... what does that even mean if not "SEX" stuf. Also if she's doing more then noticing if she has always jumped right from one relationship to the next. It's like ok I'm ready to leave so I'm going flirt with all these guys and when one I like asks me out I'll just break up and imeadetly start dating this other guy while my old bf is asking "what happened, can we work this out" "no I have a date with a guy I really like tonight sorry." Yeah its cheating and its her history and she's doing it again and its no good for her as you can tell. Is that you in the picture? How old are you? I honestly dont think i would feel this way if we got to spend time together again. I was happy as ever for 3 years and i never felt like this once until 6 months ago when i got transfered to 3rd shift. I left work early 2night so i actually get to see him which feels great! Hes snoring away on the other couch, even though he's sleeping just being around him is making me feel like the happiest girl in the world! Well you have to go on reality. Talk to him about this stuff and see if you can work it out. If not you have to see the reality for yourself and if you arn't happy you arn't doing him or yourself any favors by sticking it out while you have emotional affairs looking for the next bf to abruptly jump into a relationship with while exiting this one.
Author brianne Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 I dont talk to him about sex stuff! I grew up with him so he knows all my family so i talk to him about my family problems basically. We talk about my moms alcohol problem, my sisters drug problem, how im trying to finish my basement so i can take in my little sister etc. Just personal family stuff that very few people know. We talk bout the kids sports, acheviements and how my 8 yr old already has a girlfriend that he likes because "she shows him her butt".
Dust Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 I dont talk to him about sex stuff! I grew up with him so he knows all my family so i talk to him about my family problems basically. We talk about my moms alcohol problem, my sisters drug problem, how im trying to finish my basement so i can take in my little sister etc. Just personal family stuff that very few people know. We talk bout the kids sports, acheviements and how my 8 yr old already has a girlfriend that he likes because "she shows him her butt". Yeah well just showing her butt can be kind of incocent but you should definetly keep an eye on those two. As for what you talk about sounds fine. The problem is you describe it all as an emotional affair. Basicly you can talk about the weather but if you are falling for this guy you're not putting up the wall people who are in relationships need to put up. You yourself said you jump right out of one relationship into another. It's just not good for you. It is cheating.
Author brianne Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 I have always gone from one relationship to the other, but i feel like ive changed completely. I no longer go out ever and i never want to. I barely talk to any of my old friends. i quite drinkin, smoking, everything. I used to go out every single night and ive always had many friends, but not anymore. I feel like all my old friends still act like were 16. Thats one of the big things my old friend and i have really connected with because he's the only one who has changed his whole life like me. As for our relationship i feel like its just a friendship. He's always been one of my bestfriends, yeah we've always flirted but were just flirty people. He's one of those rare friends in life who always knows exactly how to make me feel better. We can go years without talking and when we do see eachother again its like we never stopped talking. I posted this just because i was having old friends making me think maybe i havent changed. Because i do look forward to seeing him and talking to him. But its just because he understands me, he's my bestfriend and i've been really needing someone to talk to lately. I started to doubt if our friendship was a bad thing because i got told we couldnt be friends that weve always had a "thing". But as of right now i think I think that we can be just friends because we BOTH have changed.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 I have always gone from one relationship to the other, but i feel like ive changed completely. I no longer go out ever and i never want to. I barely talk to any of my old friends. i quite drinkin, smoking, everything. I used to go out every single night and ive always had many friends, but not anymore. I feel like all my old friends still act like were 16. Thats one of the big things my old friend and i have really connected with because he's the only one who has changed his whole life like me. As for our relationship i feel like its just a friendship. He's always been one of my bestfriends, yeah we've always flirted but were just flirty people. He's one of those rare friends in life who always knows exactly how to make me feel better. We can go years without talking and when we do see eachother again its like we never stopped talking. I posted this just because i was having old friends making me think maybe i havent changed. Because i do look forward to seeing him and talking to him. But its just because he understands me, he's my bestfriend and i've been really needing someone to talk to lately. I started to doubt if our friendship was a bad thing because i got told we couldnt be friends that weve always had a "thing". But as of right now i think I think that we can be just friends because we BOTH have changed. Okay well it sounds like you have already made up your mind that the two of you are "just friends" and will not/are not cheating on your boyfriend. So the issue is that you are thinking about OTHER guys because your boyfriend isn't around? If that is the case, then you need to talk to him about spending more time together. If that is not possible, then you probably WILL be more vulnerable to cheat on him if things don't change.
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