Girlie5141 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Is there a chance... Going to make this is brief: My ex (he dumped me) and I were friends for 4 yrs prior to dating. He was the pursuer and when I gave in, I was so glad I did. He hasn't been in a serious relationship in 10 yrs, so he is a little behind when it comes to that. He is 31 and Im 30. We had WAY more good times than bad, but due to his lack of experience, I feel like he is blowing our arguments out of proportion. We went on a "break" for 2 weeks, which led to the breakup. His choice. Two days before the breakup we talked on the phone and I asked if he thought we could work it out. He said he thought so and that he loved me and missed me. 2 nights later, he changed his mind. Said that this is what he "needs right now". Told me he loved me and left. I asked him via text about a week later if he thought there was a chance for us in the future and he replied, "I hold hope for a future with you and that is something we can talk about in the near future". I wait a week and can't take it anymore send him an email asking for clarification and said that I can't wait for him forever. He responds back and is so nice with, got your txt and email and I will respond with my thoughts later. Hope you Have a great day. He emails and says this: Hey sorry I am just writing you back.* It has been a crazy day here in the office.* Hope work has continued to go well for you. I was exhausted yesterday and was sleep when you texted.* Not my style to ignore you so please don’t think I was.* * I attached a letter I wrote for you a couple of weeks ago but never sent.* Don’t know why I did not send it but I know I need to so I here it is.* Tonight is a bad night for me to talk because by friend Grant from kindergarten that I have told you about is moving to Colorado and this I the only night I get to see him so we are going out for dinner and drinks.* I am open on Tuesday and Thursday of this week if you would still like to chat we can.* My Thoughts… * * I would like to begin this letter to you by letting you know it was not my love for you that faded in this relationship. *It was my ability to believe that we could stand the test of time. *We have been dating for over a year and we were at the point where we were looking well beyond tomorrow. *We were looking at the long term and I felt we both wanted this to be a long term lasting Love, but we could not have it. *Instead of celebrating our differences we were pointing them out and requesting that they be changed in to what we both wanted to see. *You should never try to change the one you are with you should celebrate it and love the good and the bad. Last week you kept trying to make our break up over one fight and that was not the case at all. *Yes we got in to a fight in Vegas but it was just one of many. *I can recall three occasions in our relationship where you tried to end it because you stated I was not ready, I did not show my feelings, I was selfish and the list goes on and I fought to save that relationship every time. *There comes a point in any persons mind when a light bulb goes off. *Why keep trying for something that someone keeps trying to end, so as sad as this might seem you finally convinced me that we may be better off apart and that I could no longer make you happy. Our happy days were few and far between over the last few months. *I tried to involve you in every facet of my life through my friends and my family. *I know my friends are not perfect and have their problems but they love me and would do anything for me as I would them and because you were my girlfriend they in turn would do anything for you but more times than not you where highly critical of them. * There were times I tried to go above and beyond to make you feel overly special like your Birthday in Napa and San Fran and Valentine’s day. *Two events that I tried to make completely about you I was criticized, yelled at and you made me feel like nothing I could do would satisfy you. * I am not selfish, I am not cold. *I have a big heart and would have done anything for you. *I am not an overly affection person but I showed that I loved you in so many ways. *I was there for you no matter how small or how big the crisis was. *I was there for you when you wanted to celebrate all of the amazing accomplishments in your life. *I supported you as a partner should in a relationship. * I know you are a very affectionate person and very emotional. *You wear your heart on your sleeve and that is both admirable and dangerous. *You get hurt easy and I felt there were times you had not reason to be upset. *We would get in to a huge fight and then the next day you would be mad at me because I was not over the fight and still carrying a grudge. *That is because you would blow up at me for nothing, cry, threaten to leave and then the next morning you wanted it to all go away with a kiss and you would tell me it was not that big a deal. *The very thing I tried to tell you when you would get upset over something but you still chose to be upset and angry. * * I felt that you had a glass that could never be filled. *You are the most beautiful woman that has ever stood by my side but you could never see that in yourself. *You were highly critical of yourself. *I told you how beautiful you are and how sexy you are and my words held no weight with you. *When your insecurities would get the best of you I could not comfort you. *I could not make you smile, I could not dry your eyes. *I felt useless. *I could not understand how someone I found so beautiful could not see that in herself from time to time. * You have a laundry list of unbelievable qualities that are second to none. *You are beautiful, smart caring, driven, successful, generous and the list goes on. *I feel like you need to use this time to find yourself again, get the confidence back that you use to have a ton of. *If somehow I took that away from you I sincerely apologize. *I don’t know how I could have done that but if I did then that is not fair to you. *I always tried to make you feel wanted and loved. * I want you to know that one of the best times I ever had with you was in Mexico for Cobb’s wedding. *We danced, we laughed we had alone time we had friend time we had everything we needed in on that trip. *We never fought on that trip our passion was incredible. *I could not wait for you to get there and I never wanted to leave. *I wish everyday was Mexico… I know you are hurting and make no mistake about it am hurting too. *I feel like we need to be soul searching and find our inner happiness before we can make each other happy and fulfilled. *I still feel like we can do that one day but I think I need to be on my own for a while. *I am not telling you to stop your life for me and wait I am just saying be open to the idea when it comes back around. * * Love You I asked to get together to ask questions about his idea of the future, he said sure and that he was looking forward to it, but decided to call it off. I told him that I appreciated the letter, agreed whole heartedly, but there was no point in us meeting. He then said thank you for understanding and that he meant every kind word and that if I still wanted to meet, he would. Once again I declined and said I take full responsibily for the things I did an have learned a lesson. I said that there was nothing left to do or say but move on. I was scared I would cry and beg....which wouldn't help. Through this, I have apologized, but never has he taken any blame for his shortcomings, which I choose not to harp on. I even started going to thrapy, which i suggested we do together right before the break up, I miss him dearly and want this to work. Going NC, but is there hope here??? Help!! Miss him terribly! He's my best friend and don't want to lose him forever, but can't be just friends.. * 1
wilsonx Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I don't think you will lose him forever, you need to let him go though and see what the world has to offer him and figure out what he needs to to come back to you. It sucks and it hurts and it can take a while. NC will not bring him back, him going out on his own and seeing the grass isnt greenier on the other side of the fence will. 1
Author Girlie5141 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 I'm scared that it will be greener...
Author Girlie5141 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 I sure hope you're right! It's been a month since the "break"...and 3 weeks since the breakup. Ready for him to come back from the dead grass! 1
rAFC Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) Okay, I see a guy who is completely in love with you, but feels that your insecurities have nearly ruined your relationship. He wants you to go back to the person you were at the beginning of the relationship, specifically the woman he spent time with in Mexico. He feels that you are overly critical of his shortcomings and should accept him for who he is. He wants you to think before you start a fight with him over something relatively small. He wants you to speak to him respectfully, not with anger. He wants you to start believing in yourself as well, to value yourself and know that you are attractive and have a lot to offer. If you can use the time away from him to fix these things in yourself and actually build your self-esteem, then you have a good chance of having a successful reconciliation with him. It will take work on your part to make a lasting change (a therapist would likely be able to help in the process and going to one might help to convince him how serious you are). If you spend this time worrying if he'll ever come back and not taking care of yourself and these issues, a reconciliation will never last. He laid it all out for you in a very clear letter, the choice is yours. Edited March 23, 2012 by rAFC 1
Author Girlie5141 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 Thank you so much for your point of view. I agree and I'm taking the steps to be better, but am a bit resentful that he thinks it's easier to leave me than work on it with me. I am scared that he will move on and forget me and that he does love me, but has no intention of coming back and is letting me down easy by giving me false hope. If he isn't around, how will he see my improvements? Right now I feel abandoned, so it's been hard to get back out there and feel confident. That will come with time, but once too much time passes, I'm afraid we will drift apart....especially since we're not speaking. The ball is in his court, I just hope he's brave enough to throw it back to me.
rAFC Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Thank you so much for your point of view. I agree and I'm taking the steps to be better, but am a bit resentful that he thinks it's easier to leave me than work on it with me. I am scared that he will move on and forget me and that he does love me, but has no intention of coming back and is letting me down easy by giving me false hope. If he isn't around, how will he see my improvements? Right now I feel abandoned, so it's been hard to get back out there and feel confident. That will come with time, but once too much time passes, I'm afraid we will drift apart....especially since we're not speaking. The ball is in his court, I just hope he's brave enough to throw it back to me. I know exactly how you feel. Perhaps it is time to ask yourself if you think you deserve someone who will work with you instead of leaving. I ask myself, "If a loved one can abandon me now, what is to stop them from doing it again later if things don't got heir way?". 1
Author Girlie5141 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 I want to contact him and tell him that we need to work on this together, but I'm not sure if that will help now.
leoc1973 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Are the things he said in his letter true? I mean some people can have a fight and then kiss and make up like nothing ever happened. What would you fight about and what are these insecurities he keeps mentioning? Is it something like do these pants make my butt look big and then you would fight with him about it? I think he is telling you that he isn't going to change for anyone and he doesn't want you to change either and you both should love each other with your differences. However, you cannot do this. Think of the things that drive you nuts about him. The things that you would fight with him about and remember he is telling you right out that those things are still going to be there. Can you deal with them and not fight with him about it? I don't think he would have taken all that time to write that letter unless he is seriously hurting over you. It seems like you definitely need a therapist. And then there is always that 64 thousand dollar question. Is there someone else? 1
Forever Learning Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I want to contact him and tell him that we need to work on this together, but I'm not sure if that will help now. I feel for you. Many times I think there are no mistakes in life, just learning experiences. If you want to contact him and tell him you want to work on this together, THEN DO IT. Best of luck to you and him!
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