aab45 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I've been told the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So I'm posting here looking for advice on what to do differently. I'm a 30 year old guy who's been reasonably successful in other parts of my life, but a total failure at dating and relationships. Truth be told, I've never had a girlfriend and very limited sexual contact. I think I'm above average looking and have a decent personality and sense of humor. I'm athletic and work out on a regular basis. I'm the quiet reserved type so I don't do well in the bar/club scene. I'm trying the online dating thing again, but it seems like most of the women are looking for someone taller (I'm 5'6"). I don't have a ton of friends, but I've been trying to expand my social circle by meeting more people through different activities. It seems like I'm so far behind everyone else that when I do go out on a date, I'm afraid she'll ask me something about past relationships or dating that will be a huge red flag for her. Anyone else in the same situation or have any advice for someone like myself?
jobaba Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) I've been told the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So I'm posting here looking for advice on what to do differently. I'm a 30 year old guy who's been reasonably successful in other parts of my life, but a total failure at dating and relationships. Truth be told, I've never had a girlfriend and very limited sexual contact. I think I'm above average looking and have a decent personality and sense of humor. I'm athletic and work out on a regular basis. I'm the quiet reserved type so I don't do well in the bar/club scene. I'm trying the online dating thing again, but it seems like most of the women are looking for someone taller (I'm 5'6"). I don't have a ton of friends, but I've been trying to expand my social circle by meeting more people through different activities. It seems like I'm so far behind everyone else that when I do go out on a date, I'm afraid she'll ask me something about past relationships or dating that will be a huge red flag for her. Anyone else in the same situation or have any advice for someone like myself? Are you a real poster? I've been in a similar situation. I had a girlfriend before I was 30 but spent most of my 20s single. There's also several guys on this forum in your position. My sincere advice to you is to try and get the monkey off your back as soon as you can. Make it a goal. The faster you can get some RELATIONSHIP experience, the faster you can learn the different pitfalls and heartbreaks of love. It's a learning experience and a growing experience and sitting on the sidelines won't get you anywhere. As you get older, your dating pool will shrink, so the sooner you act, the better. It's just like anything else I think. The more shots you take, the more your odds of success improve. Of course, guys like you and I have to take a lot of shots. I've had to endure lots of rejection. You didn't say if you have tried or not. Also, when you say that you are quiet and reserved and you haven't had a girlfriend ... there is something you can change right there. I have not described myself as quiet and reserved for many years, yet still have the feeling that I might be considered that by some. It's something I continuously look to improve. Women usually want a man who is at least more exciting than they are. Edited March 23, 2012 by jobaba
SJC2008 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I'm in the same boat so you are normal trust me. We just slipped through the cracks. I used to not be able to get past a first date. Now my "achillies" is the 3rd. Being 5'6" set your sights on the 4'10-5'4 range. Although I have seen some profiles of 5'4' woman wanting at least 6' get a life. I've never had a woman ask me about r exp on a 1st second or 3rd date. It's the new don't ask him $**** about himself or call him at all to keep you in hunter mode IMO. The bottom line is that women from about 24 and up HATE inexperience so put on that actor performance. I'm getting better. I'm not saying lie, just don't shoot yourself in the foot. Like well I had gf's when I was younger and I've dated off and on over the years.
Author aab45 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 Thanks for the feedback. Turning 30 has made me think about my situation a lot more. I admit that my inexperience really bothers me. I see girls I'm attracted to in many different environments but I don't have the skill set to successfully approach them. I guess most guys develop these skills in high school or college but I never did. You didn't say if you have tried or not. Also, when you say that you are quiet and reserved and you haven't had a girlfriend ... there is something you can change right there. I have not described myself as quiet and reserved for many years, yet still have the feeling that I might be considered that by some. It's something I continuously look to improve. Women usually want a man who is at least more exciting than they are. I tried hard for years in my 20's then gave up for the past 3 years because it seemed hopeless and the rejection part took a toll on me. I'm doing my best to re-gain a positive attitude about it though. The quiet and reserved side of my personality surfaces when I'm around new people, and I guess that contributes to my issues. I'm in the same boat so you are normal trust me. We just slipped through the cracks. I used to not be able to get past a first date. Now my "achillies" is the 3rd. Being 5'6" set your sights on the 4'10-5'4 range. Although I have seen some profiles of 5'4' woman wanting at least 6' get a life. I've never had a woman ask me about r exp on a 1st second or 3rd date. It's the new don't ask him $**** about himself or call him at all to keep you in hunter mode IMO. The bottom line is that women from about 24 and up HATE inexperience so put on that actor performance. I'm getting better. I'm not saying lie, just don't shoot yourself in the foot. Like well I had gf's when I was younger and I've dated off and on over the years. I don't volunteer any information about my inexperience, but it has come up in normal date conversation. Not sure what other's experiences are with online dating but it seems like everyone is just "browsing". They move on from one person to the next. I'll e-mail/txt a girl for a little bit then they'll disappear when someone better comes along.
mostlyclueless Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 You need to get out there and practice. Get rejected on purpose. Get used to it. It is part of the fun. When you get rejected, feel GOOD about yourself because you were willing to step up and put yourself out there. The woman's response is irrelevant. When you have a good message exchange with someone online: 1. Ask her out very soon. Within the first 2 or 3 messages is fine. Keep it casual -- no elaborate date, just, "I'd like to buy you a drink sometime so we can continue this conversation in person. When are you free?" A lot of women will not respond. A few will. These are the ones you want to be focusing your attention on anyway. Don't waste your time with the other ones. 2. Follow up. If a woman drops her end of the conversation, give it a few days and then send her another friendly message. Don't ask her why she stopped talking to you; ignore it and open up a new line of conversation. She may have simply run out of things to say. 3. Repeat 1 and 2 until you have a date. 4. Go on your date. 5. Have a great time.
jobaba Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Thanks for the feedback. Turning 30 has made me think about my situation a lot more. I admit that my inexperience really bothers me. I see girls I'm attracted to in many different environments but I don't have the skill set to successfully approach them. I guess most guys develop these skills in high school or college but I never did. I tried hard for years in my 20's then gave up for the past 3 years because it seemed hopeless and the rejection part took a toll on me. I'm doing my best to re-gain a positive attitude about it though. The quiet and reserved side of my personality surfaces when I'm around new people, and I guess that contributes to my issues. I don't volunteer any information about my inexperience, but it has come up in normal date conversation. Not sure what other's experiences are with online dating but it seems like everyone is just "browsing". They move on from one person to the next. I'll e-mail/txt a girl for a little bit then they'll disappear when someone better comes along. Other than the normal 'hit on more girls' advice, I do have one thing to offer. I'm back on a college campus part time this year and I noticed an interaction between a young guy and gal yesterday who ran into each other. She was cute but seemed really nice. It's hard to exactly describe the manner in which this guy was talking to her, but he came off as a total weenie. I automatically knew he had no shot at her and felt like pulling him aside. You need to talk to women with some confidence, joke around with them and bust their chops some ... inject some attitude or masculinity into the interaction. If you're confused as to whether you're a weenie, ask a buddy.
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