Author rj2010 Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 Thanks Now, she came back after like an hour and a half...and she thanked me ...I guess for not giving her a hard time... question....since I was so so difficult re doing these things ...did I give in to her? Do I look weak for that? OK....next update once she came in, we curled up and w/in 30 mins she took a Nap...not pleased w/that I went out for a midnight snack...she was surprised... I was hungry...looked like spite?
curlygirl40 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Hi OP Sorry I haven't been on much this weekend. I would say just keep showing her with your actions that you're 'changed' and not your words as much. She might not (probably will not) trust it at first because she'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop but if you keep on this way and really change how you feel about it, not be so clingy, etc. then she'll accept it as the way things will be and she won't be so suspicious of your motives, let's say. IMO you would have definitely drove her away eventually with your past behavior, so look at it that way. That things between you should improve now, and if you continued to act the way you were before then your relationship definitely would have been on the way outs. My X of about 18 years was not clingy at all, but yet was very controlling. If I went out for anything - candle party like you described, etc.- I 'paid' for it later by how he treated me. He would not tell me 'no you can't go' but he would NEVER encourage me to go hang out with my friends or family and like I said, if I did go then the next day or so I had to pay for it with how he treated me. He was trying to control what I did with his anger and manipulation. Most of the time it just wasn't worth it so I didn't go out a lot. I remember one night going out with a friend. I went to her house and picked her up and her husband gave her a nice long kiss and said 'have a great time' with a smile on his face as we walked out the door. They have a great marriage. Seriously, I was like 'wow, what does that feel like?' because it never happened in my marriage. She's an adult, she shouldn't be made to feel like she's doing something wrong by going to Zumba or a candle party with her friends. Now, my opinion would change if she was leaving you alone with the kids all the time to go clubbing and not come home til morning. I'm not saying she has license to do whatever. Sorry for rambling. You can't make someone want to spend time with you by sulking, complaining, ranting and raving, etc. It will have just the opposite affect. Good for you for trying to better yourself and really trying to figure this out so you can make your relationship better. It will be an adjustment but in the long run I think your relationship will be stronger.
curlygirl40 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 NOW..as I said...due to my crappy ways, my girlfriend and I were on a major downward spiral. So, last night, I told her about how telling her to stay home and not try to better herself or have leisure time JUST SO I can get attention and seek approval was WRONG, and the battles we have had for months over me doing this was my fault, I took ownership for it, and that I was working on bettering myself for me, and not for anyone but me, to improve my life all around (family, business, etc). However, from our talk, I sensed that she might be a little leary about my motives, and she mentioned that if she goes out, she doesn't want it thrown back in her face during another agreement. I assured her, however...we have had major battles over these things where I even packed up my stuff!!! Now, how am I feeling? 1. It felt right to me, since she works hard and does deserve time 2. I won't lie, however, it was not easy. I don't feel afraid, nervous, or jealous, but, I do feel that between her late week of work and only one night the whole week (not including tonight) for us to enjoy alone time, I feel "insulted" that she chose to go, knowing that (if "insulted" is the right word?) On a tangent, I thought that perhaps she was "testing" me, and watching my reaction and body language to see if it was sincere. She kissed me, said should be no more than 2 hours...asked me again if I was sure, and I told her that it's totally fine, to have fun, and to say hello to her friends. Tough for me. You have all been there.....tough due to the limited time and the CHOICE she made over me. I remind myself that nothing OUTSIDE of my own skin can be controlled..... . Just wanted to comment again after reading this post for the second time. You can't struggle your way to happiness. You can't white knuckle your way to being a different person. You have to really believe that you both have the right to have your own lives, not just say she can go and then be upset when she does. Without lasting change of the issue you feel you need to work on, you will only be resentful of her and eventually that will come up in future arguments. Then she will be like 'aha, I knew it was all an act'. Lasting change takes work. And you're doing the work. Work on yourself to be more confident and less clingy, find something that you love to do on your own (it will be good for you) and then hopefully the time that you do have together will be more quality time, less arguments, etc. It's going to take time though. You didn't become this way and set up these patterns overnight. Good luck.
curlygirl40 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 CG: Part 2... Now that I have done the "instead of the way you're acting driving you apart"....apart from actions, what can I do to start the mending process, and show her my shift as sincere? Thanks!! The only way to show her that your shift is sincere is to really be sincere. You can't fake that. Not for long anyway. She won't trust it at first. Count on that. And no I don't think you're being a doormat either. The only person you can control is you. You can't control her actions, you can only control your response to her actions. PERIOD. There's a chance that you're just not compatible in that area of your life. Maybe she doesn't need as much 'alone together time' as you do. It's not right or wrong for her to feel this way. Just different from how you feel. And you can't force it if that's the way it is. You just have to decide if you can live that way. If it's not enough for you, it might be a dealbreaker in the relationship.
bac Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Hi folks, Need some advice, please, please ! Background: Me - 40 yrs old, divorced, 1 young son Girlfriend - 39 yrs old, divorced, 2 young sons. Dating a year, living all under one roof for 5 months. You see, guys...I just received an unsolicited E-mail from my sister checking on me since she knows I am having a hard time with finances... Help !!! If you have a hard time with finances at 40 and still mostly focused only on your FB pictures, no pics changing is going to help you to become valuable to any GF. Focus on doing what a mature man expected to do which is providing quality life for his family and his woman. It is kind of productive to focus on FB's pics if you are a 15-21 y.o girl who has a daddy to support her financially. That is why the girl can afford to enjoy the quality time thinking of FB pictures.
Author rj2010 Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 I cannot think of abandonment issues in my past...however, I got separated a little over a year ago, and right before, I stayed in the house and she was the one who had to move out, so there were many months alone there....even though I enjoyed the time...I did feel alone. Wonder if this has an impact on why I am clingy/needy now??
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