rj2010 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Hi folks, Need some advice, please, please ! Background: Me - 40 yrs old, divorced, 1 young son Girlfriend - 39 yrs old, divorced, 2 young sons. Dating a year, living all under one roof for 5 months. I agree and confirm I am definitely clingy sometimes, but working hard to fight it. However, not jealous....just stingy with time, since between our kids, we only have a few hours of alone time per week. Recently, my girlfriend started taking a Zumba class two nights per week, and I keep reminding her how little alone time we have as it is. In reminding her, I was pretty persistent, to the point of a chill between us. People say I should go out w/my friends...I have many opportunities to go out with my friends, but what is stopping me? After I got on my soapbox about "quality time", #1, wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? and #2, I only fear she will increase her dance class schedule, and thus, cut down on more of "us" time. Even before I met her, I grew out of the "out" lifestyle (I'm 40), so doing it would be more spite than anything, and that is not a healthy action by me. Now, here is my question: About a month ago, I was really upset when she changed her Facebook Profile back to her two kids from a picture of us. In spite, I changed my status to single, and she put us back up. Well, guess what? Yesterday, she changed it to her kids again. What did I do? I commented and said it was a great pic on her wall. At night, she even asked me if I saw the pic of her kids and that she put it up because her 10yr old asked her to. You see, guys...I just received an unsolicited E-mail from my sister checking on me since she knows I am having a hard time with finances...and I swear that I didn't mention the FB profile pic my girlfriend changed (I'd only be harming myself by lying). In her E-mail, she said, "She put the boys up in her profile pic which is ok when your married but there is almost a subliminal message" I mean, I am trying to focus on myself, but seeing that E-mail without even asking for it just makes me really wonder about what she wrote. Do I sit back and simmer? Do I change MY profile pic to my son, as almost 48 hours passed? Help !!!
sid3 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Insane, no. Pathetic is more like it. Don't give your woman a hard time about taking a few hours a week to attend her zumba class. She is allowed to take care of herself. Put on your big boy panties instead of sitting back and simmering. 2
FitChick Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Hire a sitter and go to the class, saying you want to get fit and it looks like fun. Or tell her you want to take a ballroom dancing class with her. Are you supporting her and her kids? 1
spiderowl Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 The more you try to restrict your girlfriend, the more she will fight it. It could be that you have very little time together and that it's perfectly reasonable that you should want to spend it with her. I'm only guessing but can I assume that she is looking after the children during the day while you are out? I know this may not be the case, but if it is, she will be in desperate need of a change of scene and social life in the evenings. If you are out all day, you will be in desperate need of time to relax with your significant other. It follows that you both have conflicting needs as a result of the way your day is spent. You do say you can be clingy at times, how does this manifest itself? Often, if people feel free to do what they want, issues don't arise, but if they feel trapped they will resist attempts to restrain them. If someone is clingy, they don't actually need to try to stop you from going out because their attitude is very apparent in every sphere. A sensitive person can pick up disapproval vibes from their partner, even if they don't say anything. This kind of sensing disapproval can eventually make one fed up and determined to resist. It might all be irrelevant though. If your relationship is going downhill and you are picking up signs this is happening, it will be very uncomfortable. You could try talking to your girlfriend and asking if this is the case. Be direct with her and see what she says. At least you'll know where you stand then. And yes, why not go out and do other things yourself? You may not particularly feel the need to, but if you found a hobby and another social group to join, you may find you're the one who's not so keen to stay at home any more. 1
dasein Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 1. Five people under one roof from two different core families, three children among them, unless you have a mansion, that would get claustrophobic real fast, get back in touch with the "out" instinct in yourself, at least to some extent, pronto. It can be a hobby, gym, poker, whatever, at least one night a week for the whole night. Maybe even a second night for a couple hours. Make friends and get the whole family out at least once a week to a park, friends house, etc. Yes it will be a hassle, but sounds like everyone needs more outside time. 2. Either get off FB entirely or stop gauging your relationship based on her profile picture. You are 40 and acting like HS drama king. If there's trouble in the relationship, don't use FB as an estimate of it. Changing your status back to single was not a wise move IMO, passive aggressive, learn to avoid that type of response. Good luck. 2
CC12 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I mean, I am trying to focus on myself, but seeing that E-mail without even asking for it just makes me really wonder about what she wrote. Your sister was meddling. Don't let other people plant seeds of doubt in your head. I'm sure your sister had the best intentions, but that was really ****ty of her. Forget about it. Also, once you start taking inane things that happen on Facebook personally or acting passive-aggressively on there, it's probably time to deactivate your profile for a while.
Author rj2010 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 @SO re: "I assume that she is looking after the children during the day while you are out? "...no, we get home 7PM @DA re: "Five people under one roof from two different core families, three children among them, unless you have a mansion, that would get claustrophobic real fast"...exactly....we talk about getting a bigger place all the time @CC re: "Also, once you start taking inane things that happen on Facebook personally or acting passive-aggressively on there, it's probably time to deactivate your profile for a while"...good idea....I was going to, but it said it will delete my pics, etc...and it is important for me to keep my work contacts and the account "live"
ditzchic Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Are you sure you're 40? This sounds like HS drama to me. You can't let your girl have 2 more hours a week to herself to do something she enjoys and that is good for her? You are really going to get passive agressive over a picture of her kids on facebook? Chill, brah. If this is the kind of stuff you find worth it to start fights over you should probably re-evaluate if you should be in any relationship at all. I wouldn't have tolerated this crap when I was 21 let alone 40. Jesus C, man. 2
Author rj2010 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 She just mentioned in part of a reply to me: "I have to stop missing zumba.. it makes me feel soo good.." What would be an acceptable reply from me? Encourage her to do more? How can I be sincere in my reply?
dasein Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I find "cool" is a good catchall reply when fielding possibly emotionally charged queries from women.
wild wolf Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Going to the gym is my "me" time and if my SO threw a fit about going and it cut into our time together, I would be pissed. Not only is Zumba her way of staying in shape or feeling good about getting some physical activity, but it also gets her out of the house. Does she work? Or is she a stay a home mom? If she stays home, the gym maybe her time to talk to other adults enjoying what she does. As for Facebook, I mean, come on. Its a stupid WEBSITE. Do not let your relationship and all its little bumps along the way play out on a lame website. Take a vacay, just the two of you, if you can. If you don't want to deactivate your facebook, just don't put so much thought into what pic is where. I am only 29 and the things you are saying sound like a 22y/o. Just being honest.
LovJoy Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I think your female is resentful of you and it killed her attraction. I bet she is getting deep anal penetration from her instructor.
kiss_andmakeup Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Are you sure you're 40 and not 16??! You got bent out of shape because she changed her facebook profile picture to a photo of her KIDS??? They're her children! Of course she loves them and wants to show them off. I'd think a fellow parent such as yourself would be sympathetic. Besides, it's frickin' facebook! Grow up. As for the zumba...it's two nights a week. It's not every night. She's doing something she enjoys and that keeps her fit and healthy, and the fact that you have such an issue with it is mind-boggling. 5 nights a week together isn't enough "quality time" for you? Really?! And you can't think or ANYTHING you could possibly do with yourself during that time, such as read, spend time with your children, or work out yourself? I think you have some pretty major issues, OP. 1
ditzchic Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 She just mentioned in part of a reply to me: "I have to stop missing zumba.. it makes me feel soo good.." What would be an acceptable reply from me? Encourage her to do more? How can I be sincere in my reply? Seriously?? Why are you asking other people how to be sincere? You do realize what sincere means, right? You say what you mean and mean what you say. Post a pic of your ID. I really do not believe you are a middle aged man who is raising children.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 She just mentioned in part of a reply to me: "I have to stop missing zumba.. it makes me feel soo good.." What would be an acceptable reply from me? Encourage her to do more? How can I be sincere in my reply? I understand youre grasping at facebook because you might not know why your gf is distancing herself from you. Forget about facebook, heres what you do. See how she doesnt need chill time with you? Its because of your clingyness. You are naturally urged to try to pull her closer to you while she is pulling away. So what you need to do is pull away further. Dont even acknowledge her on facebook, go hang with your friends, dont bug her about spending time with you, When she thinks that you dont need to be with her anymore, she will either come looking for you, or she will bail. If she bails, then she has been planning to do it for months, and its already over. Best thing you can do is pull away, give her space and room, stop trying. You have to let her miss you, and that will never happen while you are nagging her for alone time.
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 She just mentioned in part of a reply to me: "I have to stop missing zumba.. it makes me feel soo good.." What would be an acceptable reply from me? "I agree, if you really enjoy it, you should go." Encourage her to do more? absolutely! how can you not adore a fit and happy woman? How can I be sincere in my reply? Remind yourself you're an adult male, and not an adolescent smitten tom-kitten....
LovJoy Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 "I agree, if you really enjoy it, you should go." absolutely! how can you not adore a fit and happy woman? Remind yourself you're an adult male, and not an adolescent smitten tom-kitten.... Easy TerrorMaden....if she is a selfish, ego driven b8tch! Just like you!
ditzchic Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Going to the gym is my "me" time and if my SO threw a fit about going and it cut into our time together, I would be pissed. Not only is Zumba her way of staying in shape or feeling good about getting some physical activity, but it also gets her out of the house. This reminds me of a guy I dated briefly. Key word: briefly. I'm a jogger and like to go for a run after work. It's my way to unwind, destress and it makes me feel GREAT about myself. He would insist on calling and texting when he knew I was out for a run. He would be whiny that I wasn't giving him attention for those 45 minutes, 5 days a week. And we were in constant contact most of the rest of the time during the day. So I adjusted my run schedule and started running in the mornings more often so I could hang out with him longer in the evenings. Running in the mornings meant I had to get up at 5 so I would try to get to bed by 11 at the latest. So he started this thing where he would call me at 11, 11:30 even 12 sometimes to say goodnight. And they werent quick calls. He would try and keep me on the phone. Finally I ended up telling him "Look, since I've been with you I find myself being less active and more tired. And it's kinda making me feel like a miserable sack of crap. Can you PLEASE give me an hour every weekday to do my thing. You can even come with me if you'd like, I just want to be able to do what makes me happy." He had a problem with that because apparently spending time with HIM should have been what made me happy. And we were only dating like a month at that point! He was 30ish. In 10 years I see him in the same situation as OP.
Author rj2010 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 Eddie.... most LOGICAL and BEST advice I have received. "You are naturally urged to try to pull her closer to you while she is pulling away. So what you need to do is pull away further" "Best thing you can do is pull away, give her space and room, stop trying. You have to let her miss you, and that will never happen while you are nagging her for alone time. " The ONLY issue is we live together....so giving her space is hard...literally.....small place here!
Feelsgoodman Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Are you supporting her and her kids? This is a really pertinent question. People who love each other want to spend time with each other. If "Zumba" is more important to her than spending time with you, it certainly says something about her priorities. If you are supporting her and her kids, I'm sorry to say, but she's just using you for your money. 1
LovJoy Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Most if not all human females...use Men for money. 1
Author rj2010 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 Thanks....we were both working....I am newly unemployed (3 weeks)
sid3 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 This is a really pertinent question. People who love each other want to spend time with each other. If "Zumba" is more important to her than spending time with you, it certainly says something about her priorities. If you are supporting her and her kids, I'm sorry to say, but she's just using you for your money. Bit of a tool eh? Yeah god forbid a woman wants to do anything for herself. How dare she ever leave his side.
hotloader Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Now, here is my question: About a month ago, I was really upset when she changed her Facebook Profile back to her two kids from a picture of us. In spite, I changed my status to single, and she put us back up. Well, guess what? Yesterday, she changed it to her kids again. What did I do? I commented and said it was a great pic on her wall. At night, she even asked me if I saw the pic of her kids and that she put it up because her 10yr old asked her to. You see, guys...I just received an unsolicited E-mail from my sister checking on me since she knows I am having a hard time with finances...and I swear that I didn't mention the FB profile pic my girlfriend changed (I'd only be harming myself by lying). In her E-mail, she said, "She put the boys up in her profile pic which is ok when your married but there is almost a subliminal message" You're a 40 year old man. What the hell do you care about anything related to Facebook? That site is so that retards with no lives can pretend that they actually have fabulous lives so they can show off to people they went to high school with. How can you even take it seriously? I've got a facebook, but I don't even have a picture of myself up. I don't post on anyone's "wall" or any other silliness like that. My frontal lobes have enough $hit to deal with in the real world.....I don't need social media as a filler in my life, and neither do you. Pull your head out of your ass man. What are the circumstances surrounding her situation? Why is she a single mother approaching the age of 40? If the answer isn't very flattering to her, then you should expect the same to happen eventually with this current relationship of hers because people don't change. From the sounds of it, she's already pretty good at getting under your skin with petty $hit. You don't need that in your life. Especially as you approach the age where you're at most risk for a heart attack. Think about it.
ditzchic Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 This is a really pertinent question. People who love each other want to spend time with each other. If "Zumba" is more important to her than spending time with you, it certainly says something about her priorities. If you are supporting her and her kids, I'm sorry to say, but she's just using you for your money. They live together!! They are certainly spending time together! Listen, people who love each other work together to meld their lives together. If her life includes having two hours a week to go to a dance class that she loves and makes her feel good about herself he should have no problem working that out. It's not like she is asking for an extended staycation in the bahamas with another man. Insisting that she sacrifice her life to fill the space in his is not love. That's full on twisted selfishness.
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