Dealing with anger

[SpiralOut]

I just want to open a general discussion about how to deal with anger. I don't mean the temporary kind. I mean the type that stays with you and you want to let go but don't know how. I guess you could call it holding a grudge.

 

I've noticed a pattern. Situation happens that makes me feel victimized. I deal with it in the best way that I can. Sometimes I don't handle it well (passive-aggressively or even aggressively). Sometimes I will be very assertive - and despite being assertive, still can't resolve the situation. This in itself makes me even more angry; I'm doing everything right but still I'm being treated with disrespect?? I'll feel trapped in the situation and there is a deep anger that fills me while this is all going on. Eventually, I'll get away from it. Then, afterwards, I'll feel relief. Then angry for a bit longer until I finally forget about it and move on.

 

This mostly happens with people that are difficult to get away from (people I have lived with, or work with). I think it's because I deal with unpleasant people/situations by retreating. When I can't retreat there is an anger that builds up. Part of it is anger with myself for not standing up for myself better. Part of it is anger that I can't get away. Part of it is anger with the other person (eg how DARE that person talk to me that way!)

 

It does not matter how much I distract myself with happy thoughts/activities, or talk to people about it, or even figure out WHY things happened the way they did. Resentful thoughts just enter my head all day long no matter how much I push them away, even though I understand on a logical level that being angry is hurting me and I need to stop. I just can't seem to stop though.

 

Does anyone know what I mean??

[Exit]

Yeah I can identify with what you're saying, I'm sure we all can in some way.

 

One thing that jumped out at me as I read your post was "Part of it is anger with myself for not standing up for myself better." I think that's a key factor to focus on. I'm not sure how you can release the anger that you feel about things that have already happened in the past and you can no longer change, but it sounds like you have an idea about what you need to change the next time a situation like this pops up. You have a strong instinct to retreat, but this ends up fueling your anger even more because you kinda don't like it when you do that. So work on standing up for yourself. It isn't easy. The last few years of my life I've worked really hard on this. I'm a fairly quiet person and I keep to myself and don't start drama, but these days when something bothers me about someone, I say it. It's surprising when you realize most people lack the nerve to really do this, everyone would rather gossip and talk trash to other people or keep it to themselves entirely. The last time I had a problem with my group of friends I showed up when they were all hanging out and got their attention and laid out exactly how I was feeling, and everyone listened, and it felt awesome to do that instead of just sitting at home angry.

 

I think without realizing it as you were typing your post you hit on a pretty big chunk of the diagnosis, I think you need to stand up for yourself to avoid getting into these traps of anger in the first place.

[pie2]

I think Exit has made an excellent point.

 

Can you give an example of an unpleasant situation at home or work?

 

I have a feeling that, with some more proactive ways of coping with these situations, you can avoid feeling like you are being taken advantage of, or disrespected.

[Forever Learning]

Yeah I can identify with what you're saying, I'm sure we all can in some way.

 

One thing that jumped out at me as I read your post was "Part of it is anger with myself for not standing up for myself better." I think that's a key factor to focus on. I'm not sure how you can release the anger that you feel about things that have already happened in the past and you can no longer change, but it sounds like you have an idea about what you need to change the next time a situation like this pops up. You have a strong instinct to retreat, but this ends up fueling your anger even more because you kinda don't like it when you do that. So work on standing up for yourself. It isn't easy. The last few years of my life I've worked really hard on this. I'm a fairly quiet person and I keep to myself and don't start drama, but these days when something bothers me about someone, I say it. It's surprising when you realize most people lack the nerve to really do this, everyone would rather gossip and talk trash to other people or keep it to themselves entirely. The last time I had a problem with my group of friends I showed up when they were all hanging out and got their attention and laid out exactly how I was feeling, and everyone listened, and it felt awesome to do that instead of just sitting at home angry.

 

I think without realizing it as you were typing your post you hit on a pretty big chunk of the diagnosis, I think you need to stand up for yourself to avoid getting into these traps of anger in the first place.

 

Great point, couldn't add too much other than throughout life, you are going to encounter people who are really going to piss you off. You have to continue to learn to handle this anger within yourself, in ways that won't get you in trouble in life (road rage, fights, losing jobs, etc.). Sounds like you have enough introspection about you to be self aware, which is great. My ex husband couldn't get that far with his anger, he just did the road rage and fist fight / bar fight thing throughout life, which was negative experience after negative experience for him. Lost friends, lost jobs, lost money, physical pain and suffering, broken bones,broken relationships, alcohol/drugs to numb the anger, jail time. etc.

 

This may sound obvious but channeling some of that angry energy into exercise, sports, boxing, whatever, - is always one options to take the edge off some of the anger. I strongly recommend that for anyone of either gender, dealing with angry feelings. This is a great tool throughout life, and causes alot less fallout than constant conflict with others. Standing up for yourself, in a controlled manner, is also fine in my book. Just not overboard altercations left and right. Good luck.

[denise_xo]

A poster here once recommended me this book - it's quite good on how to deal with anger. I recommend it.

 

Amazon.com: Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth (9780970693846): Dr. Brad Blanton: Books

[SpiralOut]

Thank you all. I know I left this post for a long time without responding.

 

I can't tell if I'm getting better or not. I've been speaking my mind more often, to the point where I've realized I need to watch it to make sure I don't become a bully. I am pulling back on some of my behaviours and trying harder to be respectful. Because sometimes I am rude to people when it's not really necessary. It is so hard to stand up for myself without going overboard.

 

I've been exercising and doing more stuff to feel happier about my life, so that I've got positive things to think about besides just stewing.

 

Tonight however I can't stop thinking about one stupid incident that happened tonight that caused me to just lose it. I kept myself mainly under control; I didn't yell AT anyone, I didn't even yell, I didn't swear or call people names. But I'm not pleased at how I handled the situation.

 

Someone here asked for an example. Well here's one. I have to deal with someone who has very bad judgement and soemtimes will tell me (or others) to do things that go against company policy. And she knows it because she has been told these rules. I got lectured at one time because I was stupid enough to do what she said instead of telling her she was wrong. She got a lecture also, but she never did apologize to me for putting me in that situation.

 

There was also an incident where she told me to my face that she had no intention of following a rule. Then when I called her out on it (because it affects my ability to do my job) she pretended to be stupid and not understand, or would say she forgot. You get the idea. It took me about a month of humouring her and nagging her to get her to do what she was supposed to do.

 

Tonight she told someone to do something that simply made no sense. She hasn't been there very long compared to the rest of us, we were explaining something to her and she ignored it completely and tried to tell us to do it some other way that was wrong and could cause all sorts of problems for us.

 

This was over the phone but I heard the whole thing. And it is something that affects me and could make me look bad if I do what she says. Anyway I just lost it and said things like "why is she trying to change the rules?" basically calling her out on it in front of several people. I don't normally do that but it was the stupidest thing ever for her to tell us to do and I dont know why she thinks she knows better than us when she clearly doesn't.

 

I think mostly I'm angry about it still because I don't like the way everyone could see how angry I was. I could have handled it in a more dignified manner. I hate it when I lose control of my feelings in front of others.

Edited June 22, 2012 by SpiralOut