Confronted with long ago cheating

[MelissaS]

I'm not sure if this is even worth coming clean by now. I once cheated on an ex bf (then bf) but realized it was an unstable relationship. In addition, almost everyone, including my own parents who aren't judgement people at all hated him.

 

But right now I'm looking at an angry message written on both my email hotmail account and facebook and it's from him. It's been 7 years since I've broken it up as I didn't wanted to continue cheating but should I even bother coming clean by now?

 

Should I respond to the message and say something or ignore it? I've haven't cheated since but it's not really something I'm proud of. That's why I broke it off in the first place and walked away.

[MelissaS]

So I don't know if I should even try bringing him closure. He isn't really a likable person and has terrible flaws (ex: used to be a smoker and is still the same person with no ambition at all).

[Black Jack]

I'm not sure if this is even worth coming clean by now. I once cheated on an ex bf (then bf) but realized it was an unstable relationship. In addition, almost everyone, including my own parents who aren't judgement people at all hated him.

 

But right now I'm looking at an angry message written on both my email hotmail account and facebook and it's from him. It's been 7 years since I've broken it up as I didn't wanted to continue cheating but should I even bother coming clean by now?

 

Should I respond to the message and say something or ignore it? I've haven't cheated since but it's not really something I'm proud of. That's why I broke it off in the first place and walked away.

 

Although I don't agree with the way you're trying to demean him in order to justify your cheating, I think you should just block him. No matter whether if he was a smoker or had no ambition, he did not deserve to be cheated on. That was your decision to do that, regardless of whether your parents hate him and coddle you.

 

Again just block him and be done with it.

[2sunny]

You could hand him some peace of mind and OWN HOW YOU PARTICIPATED! He does deserve that!

 

You COULD set things right and apologize for the way YOU participated.

 

THAT would give HIM closure and restore some peace of mind - and THAT is what is right!

 

Can you DO that?

[MelissaS]

Again just block him and be done with it.

Thank you. That's what I'm gonna do now.

 

Yeah I agree no one deserves to be cheating though I don't really feel bad about the guy (definitely someone better) I cheated with. I just feel terrible that I went low instead of just ending it.

[MelissaS]

You could hand him some peace of mind and OWN HOW YOU PARTICIPATED! He does deserve that!

 

You COULD set things right and apologize for the way YOU participated.

 

THAT would give HIM closure and restore some peace of mind - and THAT is what is right!

 

Can you DO that?

Yeah I can do that before I block him. I'll apologize once and that's it.

[2sunny]

Yeah I can do that before I block him. I'll apologize once and that's it.

 

Did you tell him EXACTLY what YOU did?

[Black Jack]

Thank you. That's what I'm gonna do now.

 

Yeah I agree no one deserves to be cheating though I don't really feel bad about the guy (definitely someone better) I cheated with. I just feel terrible that I went low instead of just ending it.

 

Okay if you're going to do it then okay, but why the need to follow that up with how the guy you cheated on him with was so better? Does that really show that you're really sorry for doing that to him, especially when he doesn't even know?

[MelissaS]

Did you tell him EXACTLY what YOU did?

This is what I'm writing:

Hi Eric,

I realized it was wrong of me to cheat and should have broken up way before. I cheated because I really wanted to end the relationship a while back but was a coward and felt some pity. Sorry for the cheating. Bye now...

[MelissaS]

Okay if you're going to do it then okay, but why the need to follow that up with how the guy you cheated on him with was so better? Does that really show that you're really sorry for doing that to him, especially when he doesn't even know?

I'm not going to include about how better the other guy was on the message. It would be brief.

But in reality yes the other guy was a lot better in every possible way. After the break-up, we kept dating for a couple years and are still friends till this day. Now, he is the one my family members and parents adore unlike my ex who was hated (for good reasons too).

[2sunny]

This is what I'm writing:

Hi Eric,

I realized it was wrong of me to cheat and should have broken up way before. I cheated because I really wanted to end the relationship a while back but was a coward and felt some pity. Sorry for the cheating. Bye now...

 

Leave the pity out!

 

YOU did it - it only amounts to YOU, not him.

 

Tell him without pointing the finger at him. Otherwise - you're just being mean again!

[Black Jack]

This is what I'm writing:

Hi Eric,

I realized it was wrong of me to cheat and should have broken up way before.

 

This reads as if he already knew about the cheating. Is that why he messaged you out the blue 7 yrs later?

[MelissaS]

This reads as if he already knew about the cheating. Is that why he messaged you out the blue 7 yrs later?

Apparently he found out somehow otherwise he would have never contact me at all.

I'm wondering how he found out since the chances were slim.

[2sunny]

Apparently he found out somehow otherwise he would have never contact at all.

 

Well - then he does have a right to be angry... You COULD have been honest, but you chose not to be.

 

So be honest now.

[Black Jack]

I'm not going to include about how better the other guy was on the message. It would be brief.

But in reality yes the other guy was a lot better in every possible way. After the break-up, we kept dating for a couple years and are still friends till this day. Now, he is the one my family members and parents adore unlike my ex who was hated (for good reasons too).

 

Sorry, just because you continued seeing him after cheating then dumping your ex doesn't negate the fact that it was wrong. Whether your parents accept him as a family member or not, the both of you are at fault for hurting this guy.

 

You should've just blocked him instead of replying to him at all. There was no need to add insult to injury.

[2sunny]

I'm not going to include about how better the other guy was on the message. It would be brief.

But in reality yes the other guy was a lot better in every possible way. After the break-up, we kept dating for a couple years and are still friends till this day. Now, he is the one my family members and parents adore unlike my ex who was hated (for good reasons too).

 

It's not useful or nice to be even more mean.

 

YOU CHEATED. Own it.

 

No need to criticize anything about him. It's all on you! HE didn't MAKE you cheat.

 

You cheated! Own it without causing him more hurt feelings!!!!

[Black Jack]

Apparently he found out somehow otherwise he would have never contact me at all.

I'm wondering how he found out since the chances were slim.

 

Doesn't matter at this point. He found out and he's expressing his anger. Sure it was almost a decade ago but he does have a right to know and be angry about it for now, since you consciously neglected to tell him back then. Hopefully he can now finally move onto a quality woman.

[Chs]

Wow, 7 years ago and he still cares? That's amazing, looks like he just wants some drama.

[MelissaS]

Wow, 7 years ago and he still cares? That's amazing, looks like he just wants some drama.

Yeah I thought he'd already move on since the break up. We have gone our separate ways since then.

[Black Jack]

Wow, 7 years ago and he still cares? That's amazing, looks like he just wants some drama.

 

If your woman/man left you without telling you that she cheated, and then found out from another source years later, I think you'd have a different opinion on the matter.

 

Me personally I would've never messaged her at all if I had to find out from someone else years later. If that were me, I'd just say I'm not surprised that's the reason our relationship fell apart, and then I'd go about my business. No need to message her out of anger and conjure up old wounds, plus running the risk of being hurt some more if she replied to my angry message with a "That's why the other guy was so much better" comment, which was basically what OP said in her unneeded reply to this man.

 

But I understand what this guy is feeling and at the end of the day, it is what it is.

[2sunny]

If your woman/man left you without telling you that she cheated, and then found out from another source years later, I think you'd have a different opinion on the matter.

 

Me personally I would've never messaged her at all if I had to find out from someone else years later. If that were me, I'd just say I'm not surprised that's the reason our relationship fell apart, and then I'd go about my business. No need to message her out of anger and conjure up old wounds, plus running the risk of being hurt some more if she replied to my angry message with a "That's why the other guy was so much better" comment, which was basically what OP said in her unneeded reply to this man.

 

But I understand what this guy is feeling and at the end of the day, it is what it is.

 

You get what you give.

 

She acted terrible to the guy - and now she's surprised he's noticed... She did that! She owes him that apology for the way she participated.

 

She's getting $hit from him now - because that's what she put out there to him.

 

Not surprising...

[MelissaS]

You get what you give.

 

She acted terrible to the guy - and now she's surprised he's noticed... She did that! She owes him that apology for the way she participated.

 

She's getting $hit from him now - because that's what she put out there to him.

 

Not surprising...

Not excusing what I did (it was wrong) but he acted horrible during practically the whole relationship too. That's why my parents never liked him. They can't stand people that treat me horribly and make me cry too much.

Another flaw of his is he never own up to anything wrong he did and I was always to blame. Sure, he isn't the type to ever cheat but everything else he would put me through emotionally (cold, talking bad about my mother, thinking he's above everyone else, the other habits I mentioned on my previous post, never wishing me a happy b-day, emotionally neglecting me, etc) is bad too.

 

Eventually I really stopped caring for him as a lover. So no he isn't really a quality man at all. At the time when I cheated, it feel like I was treating him just the way he treated me during the whole relationship.

 

If you think about it, cheating is one terrible action but everything else he did during the relationship is composed of many terrible actions.

Edited March 22, 2012 by MelissaS

[MelissaS]

But it seems many think the BS is always a poor innocent victim that has been a great bf/gf. He was the worst bf ever.

[Keke1]

But it seems many think the BS is always a poor innocent victim that has been a great bf/gf. He was the worst bf ever.

 

No they are, saying that you should have ended it with him before you did what you did. You are the bad person IMO. Imagine your "great" boyfriend did the same to you. How would you feel?

[Black Jack]

Not excusing what I did (it was wrong) but he acted horrible during practically the whole relationship too. That's why my parents never liked him.

 

Every post in this thread is an attempt to justify hurting this man.

 

And the way you're rewriting history I find it hard to believe he was the only one causing issues in the relationship.

 

They can't stand people that treat me horribly and make me cry too much.

It's really none of their business. You only involved them so that you can feel better about yourself despite the fact that you know beforehand you were hitting him below the belt.

 

Another flaw of his is he never own up to anything wrong he did and I was always to blame.

Ya and what were your flaws? What did you do to him that pissed him off or made him cry? Surely you were not the perfect partner either, considering that you cheated, dumped him for your affair partner, and then continued seeing him as if what you did was right.

 

You talk about how bitter this man is and how he should be over it 7 yrs later and here you are STILL, after 7 yrs later, trying to rationalize your past actions.

 

You're not over it any more than he is.

 

Sure, he isn't the type to ever cheat but everything else he would put me through emotionally (cold, talking bad about my mother,

And why was he talking bad about her? I know she's your mother but lets be truthful here for once in your life: Was she being overtly and overly disrespectful to him? And please don't lie or try to take up for her.

 

Like I said, you had no business trying to involve your family in something that you should have dealt with between only you and him, and you should've dealt with it maturely.

 

thinking he's above everyone else, the other habits I mentioned on my previous post, never wishing me a happy b-day, emotionally neglecting me, etc) is bad too.

Again what were your faults other than your cheating in the relationship? Even if he was causing most of the trouble it still doesn't justify you being the bigger woman in the situation.

 

Eventually I really stopped caring for him as a lover.

And that's when you should've left him, not when you went on an ego trip with your new stud thinking you were a new hottie that was so much better than him.

 

You sacrificed your whole self-worth all for a little gratification instead of keeping your eye on the long-term prize if the relationship was as bad as you claim it to be (although I find that hard to believe when it comes to cheating).

 

So no he isn't really a quality man at all.

If that was the case then why were you with him? For some other ulterior agenda? If he wasn't a quality man at all then you should've never got involved with him in the first place.

 

At the time when I cheated, it feel like I was treating him just the way he treated me during the whole relationship.

Not surprised you felt that way considering that you insulted him not long ago and THEN decided to block him. All cheaters do when they're being sneaky, yet most of them know that if their partner knew about it, they'd be put on blast for their actions.

 

If you think about it, cheating is one terrible action but everything else he did during the relationship is composed of many terrible actions.

Actually your cheating outweighs everything you claim he's "done" in the relationship. The fact that you left him out in the cold, jumped into another man's arms, and tried to dress it up as some great relationship with the validation of your family really shows how you probably did never cared about this guy. He did not deserve to be cuckolded and he had every right to be angry with you, regardless of it happening 7 yrs ago.

 

You had a chance back then to have the higher ground by using integrity and you threw that opportunity into the ground. You had an opportunity today to still show an ounce of maturity and what did you do? You replied back to him with an insult and then blocked him, no doubt fueling his fury about what you've done.