Girlfriend OK with spending very little time together

[flight1990]

I've been with my GF a little over 3 months now and we generally have a good relationship. One thing that has been bothering me (a lot) lately is a general lack of effort on her part. We're both in school and working right now so there isn't much time for us to see each other.

 

That said, I will go to her house before classes in the morning when I have a break. I'll visit her at work. I'll try and fit her into my schedule because if I don't we'll go weeks without seeing each other. She never does the same for me. In fact, when she makes a date for us to see each other it's usually 2 hours before she has to get to work. I have a lot more downtime than her so it's no big deal for me to go visit her and I'm still left with time to hang out with my friends and do my own thing.

 

I'm honestly confused at this point because the little time we spend together is great. Her behavior is uncaring but that's not the vibe I get when we're physically together. I've tried pulling away a bit but she has no problem not seeing me for extended periods of time so it doesn't really work. It has only been 3 months so I don't know if it's fair to ask her to be super enthusiastic about making plans at this point, but it feels ****ty when she seems uninterested in making time. I don't know if I just need to be more assertive about setting up dates with her, or less. I'm kind of at the end of my rope here.

 

Edit: Just want to add that even though she has poor boundaries (per my last post here) she definitely isn't cheating. I've known her and her family a long time and it's just not happening.

Edited March 22, 2012 by flight1990

[sweetsmmr91]

I don't know, my best friend is with a guy... He's always wanting to be around, visits her at work, comes around before work, when she gets off work. If it was a guy I'm dating I wouldn't think this was suffocating, just normal boyfriend behavior. But she's used to being single and the only person she's ever spent this much time with is, well.. me. So she's like "whoa" and kind of started to back off a little and told him she needs some space. She's adjusting. He joined the air force, and she even said that she's kind of looking forward to the space it'll give them when he's in basic training. She's just very independent.. she says she loves him but just doesn't like hanging out all the time. She's happy with maybe a couple times a week.

 

With that being said, she started to set aside every Friday for him and their date nights. Maybe you should try to start up something like that?

 

 

If she doesn't want to be with you AT ALL then.. yeah that's a problem. And normally I'd think the whole thing was weird, but with my best friend.. I just know what kind of girl she is. Some girls are that way.

[flight1990]

I'm not dropping in on her work on a weekly basis. If it's been awhile since we've seen each other though I'll maybe visit her in the morning before classes or drive her home after her shift's over. A weekly date would be a good idea but we both have pretty variable schedules.

[ditzchic]

You guys just sound really incompatible. You just have different personalities.

 

She seems independent and more focused on the quality of time you guys are spending together versus the quantity of time. She's ok with not seeing you all the time because she is taking care of her own needs. She doesn't need a constant barrage of attention from you. You seem a bit more needy and like you are looking for the exact opposite. You also need her validation. She won't be able to give that you because that isn't how her mind works.

 

I think it's best to move on while it's early. Your personalities are just too different and it's only going to end in pain.

[FitChick]

Do you think she will forget about you if you aren't in constant contact?

[flight1990]

Do you think she will forget about you if you aren't in constant contact?

 

We're not in constant contact at all, and that doesn't bother me actually. We'll often go 3 or 4 days without talking unless I make the call.

[flight1990]

You guys just sound really incompatible. You just have different personalities.

 

She seems independent and more focused on the quality of time you guys are spending together versus the quantity of time. She's ok with not seeing you all the time because she is taking care of her own needs. She doesn't need a constant barrage of attention from you. You seem a bit more needy and like you are looking for the exact opposite. You also need her validation. She won't be able to give that you because that isn't how her mind works.

 

I think it's best to move on while it's early. Your personalities are just too different and it's only going to end in pain.

 

We're not talking about seeing each other all the time. That's just not possible given our schedules. It'd be fine if we were consistently seeing each other twice a week with her initiating once in awhile, but that's not happening right now. There's also no constant barrage of attention. We'll go several days without talking. I just want some consistency and effort on her part.

[make me believe]

We're not in constant contact at all, and that doesn't bother me actually. We'll often go 3 or 4 days without talking unless I make the call.

 

This isn't a good sign, IMO. 3 or 4 days with no contact until you initiate it? When I was dating my husband we had opposite schedules and often went up to 5 days without seeing each other... but even in the very beginning we called & texted on the days we didn't see each other. We would both do the things that you do because we were invested in the relationship. I would go see him sometimes on my lunch break (which was before he went to work), and he would stop by my apartment occasionally on his way home from work (if I was still awake -- sometimes even when I wasn't, and he'd leave a sweet note or something).

 

I think this is definitely a sign of incompatibility. She wants to have more independence and not have to worry about scheduling time with you or fitting you into her life. You need to decide if you're ok with that or not. Personally I wouldn't be, because going days without any contact and not even being able to count on seeing each other on a weekly basis is no way to build a relationship. It's impossible, IMO. How are you supposed to get to know each other more intimately and build a connection if you rarely see each other & don't even talk that often?

[Onlyjonley]

Everyone is different. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend would be completely fine if we hung out once a week. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care about me, but he is way into doing his own thing and is completely fine on his own. That's just his personality.

 

He knows spending quality time together is important to me so he makes hanging out a few times a week a priority.

 

I wouldn't take it to heart but I would mention to your girl that spending more time together is important to you.

[Almond_Joy]

We're not in constant contact at all, and that doesn't bother me actually. We'll often go 3 or 4 days without talking unless I make the call.

 

This is pushing it a bit.

 

I like a lot of personal space and can feel smothered if I feel obligated to see someone more than twice a week. But if my bf and I only saw each other twice a week AND we're only talking once or twice a week?

 

.....if she's OK with that it sounds like you two are in different places mentally/emotionally.

 

The fixed date once a week sounds like a good idea, even if it's not the same day every week.

[Bob_Funk]

Guys want girls way more than girls want guys. Both sexually and emotionally. This dynamic doesn't change much even when in a relationship.

Edited March 22, 2012 by Bob_Funk

[Jane2011]

To me, 3 to 4 days without talking is a lot for a couple. I wouldn't be happy unless I heard from my boyfriend every day, and even more than once a day would be most satisfactory to me. "Constant contact" is not necessary, of course.