LostPerson Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 I am so sad that I just want to die. I feel like my heart and soul are just rotting out. I have been dating a wonderful man for 3 months that treated me like a queen. All was going wonderfully and we would spend weekends together, go out weeknights. He would call all the time etc. I never chased him, he always came looking for me. He wanted to spend a lot of time with me and was the kind of guy that would open doors, pull out my chair for me etc. Just perfection. I met him 8 months before we started dating. I had melanoma skin cancer and he was my surgeon. He contacted me via email through a mutual friend months after the surgery and suggested we meet up for a drink sometime and we just hit it off. I had a feeling about him when I first met him that he was "the one" It just was instant attraction and he said that he felt the same way. Out of the blue, two nights ago, he called me at 11:30pm, woke me up to tell me that he loved me very much and I am the best woman he had ever met, but he didn't want to have someone to love in his life at this point in time. He said that he wanted to be a free spirit. Then said he wanted to back things off and just be friends. When I got upset he said to me that I should be tougher than that because I am from Philadelphia and should be a harder person. I don't get it.. why did he do this to me, I am so devastated I cant eat, can't sleep and to top it off, the day after he did this to me, he jumped a plane to Jamaica and said he'd call me when he got back. I can't believe this is the same man that was so loving, and caring. The same man that would come to my office with a rose in his teeth to see me etc. I was so good to him and he was so good to me. We did not fight at all and there was nothing leading up to this, I had NO clue something was wrong.. what the heck happened? What should I do if he calls when he returns? please help this lost soul
capitald Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 He was VERY unprofessional for stepping over the bounds of the doctor/patient, business/personal line in the first place. There should have been your first warning! End it before it goes any further.
Author LostPerson Posted June 12, 2004 Author Posted June 12, 2004 I fell so hard for him, he was like a dream. I am so hurt. To add insult to injury he said he wanted to be friends, and wanted to be the kind of friend that I could go to about anything, or count on to be there etc. why is he playing with my emotions? was the whole thing just an act? I am so in a daze and so lost in my own head that I don't know what to even think anymore. I can't believe he could be so cruel
capitald Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 Take a breath lostperson. I work in a cancer lab and I know that sometimes doctors develop quite a relationship with their patients and end up caring about them a great deal. Maybe he thought his love would help you in your battles against cancer and in your battles with life, but did not see how a relationship with you might be unrealistic. I know from experience that these cancer doctors are VERY particular about their mates and their mates must usually be professionals in the cancer field and/or have a great deal of interest in it. Otherwise these doctors, being people who have had their needs catered to them their whole life (yes, your lovely honors kids from high school) do not know how to tolerate or deal with not getting what they want, when they want it. In addition, doctors are people too and this guy obviously has issues. His whole perceptual field seems somewhat fractured or else he is really good at lying to himself and seeing things completely different at different times depending on how those things fit his needs. He thinks he can write his own life story. In the end he is going to drive himself crazy. You can't simply choose to be a lover with someone one day and a friend tommorrow. All relationships fall in a continium and there should be a gradual process from friendship to intimacy, speaking of which you should start the process of disengaging with him ASAP.
sinner Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 I suspect he was playing you. Let me guess: middle-aged and recently divorced? I'm bothered by his possibly crossing ethical boundaries and bedding a patient. I strongly doubt that you're the only one. Or were the only one. Finally, I'm from Philly and I never thought we were immune from heartbreak. The guy has seen too many Rocky movies.
Samson Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 he said to me that I should be tougher than that because I am from Philadelphia and should be a harder person. I don't get it.. why did he do this to me, Yeah, everyone in Philly is Rocky Balboa? This guy is a doctor? Yo! Lost, youse guys just forgettaboutit.
capitald Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 I live in NY and nobody is tougher than us NYers and what he said is bs no matter where you live. I think that sinner (is that you zarathustra?) probably has this guy pegged down to a t. He is like a patient raper if you ask me.
Author LostPerson Posted June 12, 2004 Author Posted June 12, 2004 You all have interesting things to say. This guy actually has never been married and is 33 yrs old. I had cancer, luckily he removed it and it was pretty much done from there. I was sent to him by a mutual friend who knew I needed a dermatologic oncologist, so there was a bit of a rapport there I guess one could say, but that doesn't justify what he did. I just hurt so bad that I am lost in my head, It doesn't even seem like this happened, I feel like I am in a bad dream. I just don't understand how he could expect to be able to do that to someone and think it doesn't matter. He is so stoic it is amazing. I agree, just because I am from Philly, it doesn't mean I have ice in my veins and no heart. I am not sure where he got that from but it seemed odd to me. I have a feeling he is going to call me back when he returns and I just don't even know how to handle it. Do I take the call or just ignore him 100% starting now? I only wish that he could feel a fraction of the mental agony that he put upon me. It doesn't seem fair that he could lead me on, and do this to me, yet feel nothing in the way of hurt himself. I just can't believe it and the hurt is so great, I am not even sure what to do. In the amount of time that we were together we did so much together and shared so much of each others lives in the ways of friends, hobbies etc that when I go to do things that are normal for me, I just think of him because we did them together at one point. I put on the radio and the songs make me cry and worst of all, I have a large scar on my leg that will forever be there as a reminder of him. that really hurts, It serves as a constant reminder. Where is the justice in life? Why is it so unrealistic to have a relationship go right?
dudesomewhere Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 ah, the high profile player. You know there are white collar players too right? Sounds like the typical player...to a rich T if you will
StartingAgain Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 First, let's dispel a myth. It is not considered unethical for a physician to date a *former* patient. The only reason this admonition exists is that a physician may loose his/her objectivity if romantically involved with a patient. Physicians aren't supposed to treat family members for the same reason. As to why you were dumped out of the blue, there are two possible reasons: 1. He has a new honey and is not enough of a man to be honest. 2. As others have said, he is a player. All players are despicible. Sorry this sorry excuse for a man hurt you, but you really are better off without him.
RollintheHay Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 He lost interest in the relationship. Now he's tokin' up and ****in' up again in Jamaica. He's dirty deeds will catch up to him.
Author LostPerson Posted June 12, 2004 Author Posted June 12, 2004 ugh I just feel so tortured and can't shake this It is 1pm and I am still moping and can't get out of my apartment. I am just so torn up and keep thinking how he is sitting on some beach in Jamaica like I didn't matter at all to him. I can't seem to come to grips with what he did to me. The time that we were together things were SO perfect that this is such a devastating hit to me. He was everything that embodied the perfect man to me prior to his doing this. Things were so perfect. He was so affectionate and loving towards me, so caring and was to the point that he would just assume that weekends were together time for us. He pushed this to be something, more than I ever have. what gives? How do I shake this depression, no matter what I do, I can't stop torturing myself about it, thinking of how great things were and how much I fell for him. I just feel so sick in my soul
StartingAgain Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 I understand how you are feeling. It's natural. You got a really bad deal. It just goes to show you that just because someone has MD behind his name doesn't mean he's a great catch. You have some healing to do. As you do so, don't beat yourself up. How were you to know this guy wasn't for real? Don't blame yourself. Your dismay is going to turn into anger and it should. Let yourself be angry at him. If he calls you up in a few weeks or months - and he might - tell him to FOAD! I saw your picture. You are a lovely woman. there are plenty of men out there who will love you and never think of doing this to you. Don't forget than. Now, go do something special for yourself!
capitald Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 "First, let's dispel a myth. It is not considered unethical for a physician to date a *former* patient. " Okay, you have crossed me here. Thats fine, I am not so egomanical that people cannot disagree with me but lets just say that its not practical, its unrealistic and its somewhat unprofessional for a doctor to strike up things with a patient. In any case, like I said I work in a cancer office everyday so I speak from experience. There is no such thing as a "former patient" with cancer, cancer goes into remission but it is always there and it can and usually does sprout its ugly head again. In addition, even if you switch doctors that doesn't mean that you will never have to deal with the old one again or shouldn't attempt to leave on good terms because you don't know if you might need him in the future because he is the expert on your particularly case being the one that treated you for the long period of your illness. In any case, I would like to say good luck to lost person again.
Author LostPerson Posted June 13, 2004 Author Posted June 13, 2004 It is all just so hurtful and frustrating that I want to put my head through a wall and I keep finding things that remind me of him, or seeing pictures of us laying around my house and want to just break down
tegteg Posted June 13, 2004 Posted June 13, 2004 LostPerson: Seems like everyone has the same perseption of him. Wether or not he is good or bad or whatever is besides the point... What is the point is that YOU focus on YOURSELF and how youll get better and live life at its best! U know? The way i did it was by workin out alot and keepin myself VERY busy, from when i get up in the morn. till i went to bed... Also if you have a hobbie, nows the time to throw yourself into it IMO.. set goals for yourself, and achive them... Even if you are still remided of him in anyway......... Like another poster said, there are many others out there and in time youll find one... I know i know, easyer said then done but it is true non the less and things like this you do learn from for the next time... Dont think bout the past, but focus on YOUR future........ GL and HTH DG
Cupcake Posted June 13, 2004 Posted June 13, 2004 I try to compare every situation to one that I can relate to from my experience. I've never had a guy come out and tell me that they wanted to date other people, before they actually started dating other people. It's usually after they've found someone they precieve to be better than me in some way. Even then, they never actually break up with me. I usually break up with them after they made selfish promises to keep me in thier life, and the promises were unfulfilled. Then I had to leave feeling like they were the most terrible person I'd ever seen in my life. Well here, your guy never gave you a reason to hate him. You never had to discover that he lied to you or betrayed you in any way. All of your memories of him will be good, except for the way he left you. So if he ever decides to come back to you, at least you will be able to respect the fact that he told you his feelings, rather than just stringing you along, and forcing you to post things like "We used to be soo good together. But he's been acting distant lately. Why is he acting this way :-( " I know it hurts really bad right now. But you should be glad he didn't string you along and start making plans to stay together forever and all that BS. Otherwise, it could be alot worse.
Author LostPerson Posted June 13, 2004 Author Posted June 13, 2004 I just don't know what to think. I am not sure if he just wanted space after he realized he didn't want to be so serious after all, or maybe he was just a player and this was all an act. It could be a million things I guess as to why he did this to me. I am still very torn up and broken over it. I am feeling sick. I took a nap and when I woke up I was crying, I must have started in my sleep, I haven't eaten really much since this happened and I am just sitting around and thinking about him, and how things were so perfect and that I never thought that things could go this wrong when they seemed so euphorically right. Today I was at a friends house in the morning and she lives near where he does, and the entire time I was in that area I kept just getting flashbacks of the times that I was there on the way to his house etc. How things were so good, and now that they are over the pain is so great. I was so lucky to have an experience like I had I guess in the time that I had him but now that it is over I am devastated. I fell in love with him, he was perfect for me in every way that he portrayed himself. He was the man of my dreams, as if someone took my mental list of everything I wanted and made him appear. I am crazy about him and my love is so strong still. I am so tormented and frustrated. I am still not sure what to do if he calls when he returns. How do I handle it? I just wish that my life could resume to the way it was in the time of our relationship, it made life so loving, exciting and rewarding. Now, I am left with am emtpy bed, empty heart and dying soul..
sinner Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 lost, I don't know you but if that's your photo, and I trust that it is, your bed will not be "empty" for long. As for your heart, it's crushed but it is certainly is not "empty." You are clearly capable of love and you will love again after some healing time. As for your soul, it's not "dying." Your soul is bigger and better than the two of you. As a result of this loss, your soul will become even stronger. So, hang in there girl, lick your wounds , pick yourself up and get back into the ring. That's where you belong.
StartingAgain Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Cupcake makes an excellent point. Some guys always line up a new honey before dumping the old one. Forbid that they may find themselves without a sex partner for a few weeks! That won't ever do! This is the way little boys who think with their penis behave. Everyone seems to agree that this guy's a player. You just learned a valuable lession. Players will tell you anything you need to hear in order to bed you. When they get bored or someone they think is better comes along, they either vanish or, as Cupcake states, feed you the "we can still be friends" crap. I think nearly every woman has at least one bad experience with a player. I wish I could give you a surefire way to recognize a player, but not being one, I can't. I would suggest that if a guy seems just too perfect, too smooth, too confident, and seems to be able to say just the right thing at just the right time, he's probably a player. Decent guys will always be just as nervous as you are (though we have to try to hide it). He'll fumble a bit, be a little awkward at times, etc. BTW, Cupcake, the behavior you point up - lining up someone new before dumping the current - isn't just a male behavior. Women do it to, just not as blantantly. And the "we can still be friends" thing is really more in the domain of the woman. Nearly every woman who has decided not to date me anymore has said this. When I was young and green, I actually believed it. But it didn't take long to figure out that the real reason people say this is that it makes them feel less guilty for breaking up with someone. I learned that whenever I heard this it meant that she had a new man in her life. The only time I've heard this from a woman and she meant it was when we started as friends, decided to see if something more would work, and metually decided that it wouldn't.
Cupcake Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Startingagain made an "awesome" point about how to recognize a true player. I totally agree that the person will be over confident and always so sure of themselves. This type of person has a big ego and loves to make it bigger. Although they may make you think that they are trying to make you happy, they are really feeding into their own desires. And since they can walk away so easily (without any emotional distress), it clearly shows that they never had your best intrest in mind.
Swamp Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 I think you guys are jumping to way too many conclusions. I do understand how devastating a blow can be after 3 months, though. That is by far the WORST time to split with someone. I think he just lost interest in the relationship. I wouldn't even take offense to that. It is very common for the 3 month point in a relationship to disenchant someone. What if he honestly wants to just be a free spirit? Maybe he overwhelmed himself by exerting so much perfection into you? Don't take it personal at all, but sometimes as a male, I just feel like I want to be free. It doesn't mean I am looking for anyone else, I just want to feel like I have no responsibility for anyone else. By suggesting you guys stay as such good friends, he obviously still feels intimacy towards you. He wants all of your heart, except the being in love part. He could be a commitmentphobe. Anything. I think the Philly thing should be taken with a grain of salt. It is probably difficult for him to deal with heavy emotions, so in a light hearted way he wanted to give you support, even when he was the one who inflicted the blow onto you. He couldn't give you any deep and genuine support, probably because he has issues with deep emotions, so he threw that line at you to try and cheer you up. I don't know the context he said it in. Just don't let this ruin your state of mind. Go out and shop, and spoil yourself. Talk to friends, stay busy with stuff you enjoy. If he comes crawling back to you, it is your decision as to whether you kick him back out on the street, or you work things out. Either way, your picture is pretty, there are trillions of guys probably in your zip code who would treat you the same. No worries. Just try to find something that makes you happy, and cut through this chaotic despairity you are allowing yourself to feel right now. Best of luck, it happens to E V E R Y O N E.
Swamp Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 By the way, this guy was going to eventually going to expose all of his actual flaws to you. NO ONE is perfect, and most relationships remind you of that. There are terrible things, that would drive you nuts about this man, that would make you CRINGE. Don't hold him on a pedestal. The man of your dreams wouldn't be so afraid of opening his actual heart to you. That is a WEAKNESS on his part, I can relate. I am scared ****less of falling in love. It's a WEAKNESS, that you do not have.
Recommended Posts