BMZMJ here - my ex is upset about my upcoming trip...

[BMZMJ]

My ex has asked for time and space, and I've given it to her.

 

I posted here yesterday about my ex requesting a meeting with my mom and telling her she is starting to miss me, still loves me, but is still in pain and wants that pain to go away before reaching out to me.

 

I have also posted about how I booked a trip to my native homeland and how I have always wanted to do this trip alone even while we were together because I hadnt seen my family in 14 years and was nervous about meeting them again and I was apprehensive about bringing somebody new along.

 

I de-friended her on facebook but somehow she must have seen what I posted about my trip through the mutual facebook friends we have (likes, comments, etc). so a day after that meeting she texted my mom the following:

 

'Im not going to lie to you - it does hurt me that he doesnt want me to go with him, no matter the reason. if I was really a part of him then he would have invited me. if he felt that awkward then we could have stayed together at a hotel. anyways - its too late!!'

 

Needless to say, I am not sure how to feel. She clealy is starting to get a little 'tense' and 'desperate' but yet doesnt reach out to me... I honestly booked this trip on a day when I thought we no longer had a chance so I wanted the trip to have something to look forward to and a 1st step to begin the healing process.

 

However, now that I see there is a lot of feelings left, I dont want her to think I am closing the door on her by going on this trip. But at the same time, what is one supposed to do? 'Hey I know you want space, but I am plannig this trip - want to come?'

 

...any thoughts??

[Philosoraptor]

Ok, why care if she is upset? Just live your life and pay her no mind. Up until the day she can come to you in a mature manner and lay her cards on the table, anything you get is out of jealousy and giving you false hope. Anyone who truly wants to be with you won't let you living your life tell them that you are suddenly closing the door. If she really thought the door was closed she would stop bothering your family and try to move on with her life.

[TaraMaiden]

My ex has asked for time and space, and I've given it to her.

good, well done....

 

I posted here yesterday about my ex requesting a meeting with my mom and telling her she is starting to miss me, still loves me, but is still in pain and wants that pain to go away before reaching out to me.

If that were true, she would move heaven and earth to try to reconcile and make it work with you - not through your mum.....

 

I have also posted about how I booked a trip to my native homeland and how I have always wanted to do this trip alone even while we were together because I hadnt seen my family in 14 years and was nervous about meeting them again and I was apprehensive about bringing somebody new along.

I can understand that... perfectly logical and sensible.... it's not the right time to be springing someone new on them, when you've not seen each other for so long.....

 

I de-friended her on facebook but somehow she must have seen what I posted about my trip through the mutual facebook friends we have (likes, comments, etc). so a day after that meeting she texted my mom the following:

 

'Im not going to lie to you - it does hurt me that he doesnt want me to go with him, no matter the reason. if I was really a part of him then he would have invited me. if he felt that awkward then we could have stayed together at a hotel. anyways - its too late!!'

What a cheek!

she has no right to pull on emotional strings and be so manipulative. Trust me, if she is sending messages like this, and checking up on you the way she is - she is counting on you getting these messages. She knows you're either going to read them, or be told about them.

What the hell is really stopping her from contacting you then, and saying - "this is crazy - can we start again?" Answer? - nothing.

Because it looks as if she prefers all the drama to the hard work of relationship maintenance....

 

Needless to say, I am not sure how to feel. She clealy is starting to get a little 'tense' and 'desperate' but yet doesnt reach out to me... I honestly booked this trip on a day when I thought we no longer had a chance so I wanted the trip to have something to look forward to and a 1st step to begin the healing process.

 

GOOD!! carry on with this - it's vital you don't let this deflect you from healing, growing and becoming 'whole' again....

 

However, now that I see there is a lot of feelings left, I dont want her to think I am closing the door on her by going on this trip. But at the same time, what is one supposed to do? 'Hey I know you want space, but I am plannig this trip - want to come?'

 

...any thoughts??

No, no, no, no, NO!!

there are none of the feelings left, you need to feel for you - all the feelings she's manifesting are based on her ego... she needs validation, and confirmation that she can still rattle you and get under your skin.....This is why she's doing this - you getting obe=ver her, means she doesn't matter any more - and she needs to matter.

OK, she matters to you, and that's good - but this isn't healthy.

 

I'll tell you what will really tell you what game she's playing....

Go with this:

 

"I know you're upset about my going on this trip, and i know you would have wanted to come with me.

you still can... if you think you and I have a future, and we can work on our relationship together. That would be my condition of you coming with me.

But if that's not your intention, you're just going to have to get over it.

So....what are your intentions, exactly?"

 

I guarantee she will back-pedal so fast you won't know where she is for dust.

[BMZMJ]

Hi Philosoraptor,

 

Obviously I still care much for this woman. Today is day 10 of NC and she admitted to my mom that soon after the break up it didnt hit her because we saw each other, and because she was busy, but that last week it really started to hit her, and she felt a knot in her stomach, etc, etc...

 

I am still planning to go with NC but I honestly thought of her as a mature woman for a 24 year old. I mean when she asked for space she did say she wanted to feel like she missed me, and needed me, so why not approach me now?

It goes to show you what emotional women do at difficult times LOL

[TaraMaiden]

......so why not approach me now?

It goes to show you what emotional women do at difficult times LOL

 

precisely.......BINGO!

[BMZMJ]

""I know you're upset about my going on this trip, and i know you would have wanted to come with me.

you still can... if you think you and I have a future, and we can work on our relationship together. That would be my condition of you coming with me.

But if that's not your intention, you're just going to have to get over it.

So....what are your intentions, exactly?"

 

So are you suggesting I break NC to contact her with this statement? While this will make her think hard, I am not sure I want to put this pressure on her...

[TaraMaiden]

OMG.....

 

It's a shame she doesn't think anything of putting the same pressure on you!

 

Her insistence at keeping in touch with those closest to you, and continuing a dialogue with them - about you - is a sure fire-way of making sure that contact or nocontact - she's still very much the focus of your attention.

you're here, aren't you?

You have the choice.

Maintain no contact - in which case, good for you - and go on your trip, on your own, as planned.

 

or break NC to put this proposal to her - and see what excuses she comes up with.

 

If everything is so painful to her, maybe you could suggest - through your mother of course - that she implement NC too....

it sounds as if nobody has put that to her.

Maybe that would be a good idea.

[BMZMJ]

You make very good points Tara.

I was doing well with NC up until this past tuesday when I found she asked to meet up with my mom, and the texts the next day. Now, once again, it is all I can think about, and I believe it is all she can think about now otherwise she wouldnt be texting, etc...

 

I want to continue giving her space and time without pressuring her. I kept telling myself that if she felt true love then she would come back, if she didnt then it wasnt meant to be...

 

One of my friends mentioned that I have the 'power' back because she is feeling jealous and left out in regards to this trip and that I have her thinking about me more now...

[Ajax]

BMZMJ: I've read a few of your posts but not too familiar with the details of your situation, so if I'm off base here I apologize. I'm coming into this assuming that since your ex asked for space that she was the one who broke up with you. If that is indeed the case, what right does she have to think you should have invited her on your trip?

 

 

Here's another perspective you may want to consider:

 

She broke your heart and is still causing drama to a certain extent. What would happen if she were to join you on your trip, only to cause more drama while you're there? Or says she needs space again when you return? Would you want the memory of this trip, one you've been looking forward to for so long, to be tainted by her antics?

 

I think regardless of her hurt feelings, she gave up the chance to go with you herself. She opted out of your life, so if she's upset that you're now living it for you, tough cookies.

[BMZMJ]

Ajax,

 

you make very good points. Honestly, I dont think she expected an invitation during this break. What I think upsets her more is that I always spoke about going on trip by myself to re-introduce myself to family and eventually bringing her on another trip down there. and now that she knows I am single I assume she thinks "now that you are single you take the first chance to go down there alone"

 

In addition, she is not the drama type of woman. she is very calm, cool and collected...

 

I appreciate your comments though

[TaraMaiden]

You make very good points Tara.

I was doing well with NC up until this past tuesday when I found she asked to meet up with my mom, and the texts the next day. Now, once again, it is all I can think about, and I believe it is all she can think about now otherwise she wouldnt be texting, etc...

 

I want to continue giving her space and time without pressuring her. I kept telling myself that if she felt true love then she would come back, if she didnt then it wasnt meant to be...

 

One of my friends mentioned that I have the 'power' back because she is feeling jealous and left out in regards to this trip and that I have her thinking about me more now...

 

Then prove your friend right.

If this is all you can think about, then if you want to put it this way - the power you developed is diminishing, and you're putting yourself back in square one.

You need to also have a word with your mum.

Tell her -

 

"I can't stop you or prevent you from seeing her.

I can't tell you what or what not to do.

But i do not want to hear a single word of what she says to you, and I don't even want to know she's seen you, spoken to you or been with you.

 

I also - as this does concern me - don't want you to talk to her about me, tell her things about me, give her any information about me, or discuss absolutely anything at all about me, with her - without my prior permission.

 

Mom, i'm trying to get over this girl and move on with my life. what she wants to do, and how she wants to deal with her feelings, is her business. But until i know for sure what exactly she wants to do - i can't be there all the time to see what's happening, because it rips me apart.

Mom, i'm your son.

I have to absolutely have no contact with this situation, because it hurts too much.

And truth be known, really, she should move away from the situation too, because she's hurting herself by remaining in touch with you, and anything connected to me. she needs to keep herself to herself, and go through her own healing process. but this isn't helping her, and it's sure as hell not helping me."

[BMZMJ]

Honestly Tara I was trying to move on because while I knew she still loved me I was beginning to think she didnt see a future with us....Just over a week went with NC and now that this meeting happenend and now that I know her feelings about my trip I am feeling like I still have a chance to win her back.

 

The only way I could move forward is if she shuts down any chance of reconciliation and she clearly hasnt done that. If she didnt want anything to do with me she wouldnt ask to meet my mom so soon, wouldnt ask about me, wouldnt tell her she misses me and loves and wouldnt have told her how great I am, etc, etc and wouldnt be upset about me going on a trip.

 

So given that I do want her back...what's my next move? I know my move isnt to break NC

[Chi townD]

"I know you're upset about my going on this trip, and i know you would have wanted to come with me.

you still can... if you think you and I have a future, and we can work on our relationship together. That would be my condition of you coming with me.

But if that's not your intention, you're just going to have to get over it.

So....what are your intentions, exactly?"

 

I guarantee she will back-pedal so fast you won't know where she is for dust.

 

 

I think what Tara is say is that if you put it to her like this. Giving her options and conditions, she might change her tune. Also, you asking what her intentions are puts a stop to all the pussyfooting around with contacting your mother knowing what is going to be said would be getting back to you.

[BMZMJ]

Basically I do want her back but I wont beg and havent begged thus far. I want her to come back on her own which is why I respected her decision for space and time...

 

I also told myself that I wouldnt take her back right away and would instead tell her that I am still working on my personal issues which caused the break up and would need time for that...

[Ajax]

 

In addition, she is not the drama type of woman. she is very calm, cool and collected...

 

 

I gotcha. Like I said, I'm not overly familiar with your situation. However, while she may not be the drama type normally, breakups can change people's behavior. I would consider the contact that she's had with your mom to be "drama," even though it may be a temporary thing she's going through.

[BMZMJ]

I was trying to move on because while I knew she still loved me I was beginning to think she didnt see a future with us....Just over a week went with NC and now that this meeting happenend and now that I know her feelings about my trip I am feeling like I still have a chance to win her back.

 

The only way I could move forward is if she shuts down any chance of reconciliation and she clearly hasnt done that. If she didnt want anything to do with me she wouldnt ask to meet my mom so soon, wouldnt ask about me, wouldnt tell her she misses me and loves me and wouldnt have told her how great I am, etc, etc and wouldnt be upset about me going on a trip.

 

So given that I do want her back...what's my next move? I know my move isnt to break NC...

 

Basically I do want her back but I wont beg and havent begged thus far. I want her to come back on her own which is why I respected her decision for space and time...

 

does it seem like she is coming around or am I being delusional?

[TaraMaiden]

BMZMJ - let's put it in a nutshell;

Forget playing mind-games, because unfortunately, that's what your posts sound as if you're thinking of doing. (If I'm wrong on that, sorry - but that's really what it sounds like to me.)

 

first, talk with your mum.

Then, give your ex- that ultimatum.

 

I think, frankly, if you do just that, two things will happen;

 

One - you'll be going on this trip on your own.

Two - your mum will respect your feelings and cut off contact with your ex - because if you tell her how much this is taking your power away from you - she will want to help YOU - not her.

[TaraMaiden]

does it seem like she is coming around or am I being delusional?

 

Remember i once said to you that it doesn't matter what she's doing, thinking or feeling. (Man, i've said that so many times, i'm losing count.....!)

 

The question is never about what she's doing.

The question is only ever about what you do.

Forget trying to guess what she's doing - focus on what you need to do, to move past this.

 

And what you need to do - is what i suggested, above.

[BMZMJ]

Tara,

 

I know my mom is trying to help me but she also loves her like a daughter. I mean I know her for 9 years. Dated in high school for 1 year and just finished a 5 year relationship. so they have a lot of history.

 

My ex asked her to meet up and my mom wanted to find out what she was really feeling. my mom didnt even bring up my name but my ex did. My mom got the impression that this girl is not over me at all but is very hurt still.

 

Like I said, sadly I still want her to come to me on her own without any prodding or pushing from my end. I told her that I let her go because I loved her and respected her wishes to want space and time. I kept telling myself that what we had was real so I always thought she would come back, even though I was trying to move on (by booking the trip, keep hitting the gym, etc). Now, it kind of sounds like she is really starting to feel that also.

 

Like I said I dont want to push her back to me. I want her to do that on her own. so is my only option to continue NC?

[Chi townD]

Well, I don't know your Ex, only you do. I don't know what would be considered sincere on her part or not. Only you do.

 

Normally, I don't say this. But......uggh. I would contact her and find out what the hell her intentions are. What the hell does she want. And go from there.

 

HOWEVER!!!! If she gives you the first sign of breadcrumbs or and ego stroke, or looking for more time. Sorry no. All the chips are in, either she shows her cards or she folds. If she folds, start a hard NC. Go completely dark on her. Then talk to your mom and tell her that you realize that she does have a relationship with her, but you don't and that you would rather not hear ANYTHING about her. She should be able to respect that request.

[TaraMaiden]

I.....

 

give up.

[BMZMJ]

I.....

 

give up.

 

 

Haha it is so much easier to give advice than to receive.

[Chi townD]

I.....

 

give up.

 

 

Normally I would agree. Hell, I don't even agree that it's a wise thing to do. But, I think that it wouldn't work in his favor (sorry) but it might give him closure on this.

 

Hey, it's just advice and not law.

 

Personally, I think she manipulating him into not going on this trip. Or not going without her.

[BMZMJ]

Hi CHi Town,

 

I am going on the trip regardless. ticket is paid for Flying on the 18th of April.

 

Colombia has some of the most beautiful women on this planet. Shakira anyone? sofia vergara?

[Chi townD]

Okay,

 

Having a change of heart. You know what? Forget about what I said. I had a weak moment. GO!! Have a good time! See your family! And when you get back, plan your next trip somewhere different. Have a plan and save for it. Then go!

 

She had her chance, she wanted space? She got it! That was her decision. That was HER choice. She wanted you out of her life so that's EXACTLLY what you give her. If she gets upset that you're becoming a world traveler. Oh well...not your concern anymore. Hell, I got two trips in the works right now!

 

Sorry Tara....I had a weak moment....