bradc Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Friends, I know these are matters of the heart and so situations vary between person to person - but I just need to share it out and seek your opinion I am 30 and in an LDR with a 24 yr old lady, we've known each other since the last 5 months and have been talking to each other almost daily - via IM texting and voice calls. We've also watched movies together online, exchanged v-day cards and gifts (I am yet to receive the card she sent though, but I believe she really did send it ) and have shared our dreams and plans for the future. For the record, we are about 9000 miles apart from one another. It was her who expressed first that she had a strong liking for me (about 3 months back) and honestly even though I had feelings for her too, I didn't want to express it since I wasn't sure where this is headed. But later I did admit that I like her a lot, in fact I blatantly told her that I love her and she reciprocated it too. Off late, I am noticing a slight change in her behavior - and by of late I mean since the last 3-4 days - even though she still talks to me via IM text, the conversation seems to lack the spark it had before. I will admit that I am a short tempered person and had acted a bit harshly with her a couple of times before but every time I did that, I totally owned up to it and sincerely apologized for my behavior immediately after and I am seriously working on controlling my temper and I believe things have somewhat improved - it's not that we used to have huge fights but kind of bickering over small things but I am working on that too. Till last Sunday everything was fine, but from Monday onwards, it seems she has kind of taken a step back in a very subtle way. Previously, she was much more spontaneous and I know she is really busy and so it's normal for her to be a bit stressed out from time to time and not act as per my expectation. I would like to believe that things are really the same as it was before and it's just me who's taking things a bit too seriously or she's been really stressed out since the last few days. I really love her a lot and even though we have all kinds of differences in terms of culture, religion and backgrounds, I still want this to work out and am ready to do whatever it takes. In fact I have plans to visit her country this year end for business and have told her that I will, for sure, visit her from time to time as long as I am there. So is it just me who's over reacting or can it be possible that she indeed has taken a step back from it over apparently nothing. I just want to make sure that I put in everything I can to make this work - I am seriously looking into the future with her. Thoughts?
Author bradc Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) okay I just need to get it out to someone and this seems like the best place - it's gently killing me from inside. Things seemed to get better since my first post and she texted back saying she loves me and misses me and sorry that she made me feel otherwise and everything. We started talking normally after that and it seemed to really go well. Also another thing worth mentioning here is that I'd asked her a couple of times before if everything was okay with her and one time she got really mad and said that it's annoying her (which I understand but I was trying to make sure the communication is clear on both ends). We were again talking just before this weekend and I somehow told her that things are getting different now (meaning that the initial spark is dying down) and she got furious once again - and at point she said that this would never work if I cannot trust her on what she says. I agree I goofed up again and I shouldn't have brought that up. Ever since that day she's been really short with me, I can understand if she's annoyed with me over what I had said and all other little instances that had occurred in the past and in all honesty, I genuinely feel bad for what I had done/ said - I wish I could undo those situations and start all over again. Also I am making conscious efforts not to repeat them again. What should be the appropriate thing to do here - do I make myself less available to her and cut down on the texts and IMs so that she could miss me or would that further worsen the situation. I just want her to know that I really love her a lot and she means a LOT to me. I wish I could fly down to her now but I can't. Please advise on what should I do and how can I get the good old days back - I miss those badly P.S - I am planning to send over a Love card to her so that she can feel that she's still in my thoughts and I care for her so much, would that be a good way to make up for the loss in spark or could that just make me feel desperate, the last time I sent her anything was on Valentines day. Please advise. Edited April 2, 2012 by bradc
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 you both need to improve your communication skills - they suck. Are you just writing, or are you on skype, or something?
Author bradc Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 We communicate via skype and texts - we used to talk daily but that doesn't happen now
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 seems to me the novelty's wearing off.... what do you think this relationship has that makes it worth a goldmine to continue?
Author bradc Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 I understand we haven't met yet and could be bad news to one another when we meet up - but till then I would like to keep it alive to at least give it a chance. I have plans to fly down there this year end and would like to meet up with her and take it from there. About what this relationship has - it's only been a few months but so far it seems like it has all that matters (in spite of several differences in terms of culture, background and everything). We seem (or at least seemed) to have a strong bonding and chemistry between ourselves. We have similarities in our likings and dislikings. She's practical in her expectations and very matured for her age. We had shared our plans for the future and it seemed perfect in every way. I know things could change for better or worse when we meet up but so far it looks a good one to pursue. Would I break down completely if this doesn't work - no! Of course it would be a heartbreak but I know I/ we can get over it with time. But I at least want to make sure that I am doing my part to maintain and go ahead with this relationship - I cannot control everything but at least can control what's within my limits. That's why I am seeking your advise. Thanks!
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I understand we haven't met yet and could be bad news to one another when we meet up - but till then I would like to keep it alive to at least give it a chance. I have plans to fly down there this year end and would like to meet up with her and take it from there. About what this relationship has - it's only been a few months but so far it seems like it has all that matters (in spite of several differences in terms of culture, background and everything). We seem (or at least seemed) to have a strong bonding and chemistry between ourselves. We have similarities in our likings and dislikings. She's practical in her expectations and very matured for her age. We had shared our plans for the future and it seemed perfect in every way. I know things could change for better or worse when we meet up but so far it looks a good one to pursue. Would I break down completely if this doesn't work - no! Of course it would be a heartbreak but I know I/ we can get over it with time. But I at least want to make sure that I am doing my part to maintain and go ahead with this relationship - I cannot control everything but at least can control what's within my limits. That's why I am seeking your advise. Thanks! My advice - based purely on the bolded part - is that this is doomed to failure. "culture, background and everything" are probably the most important, vital, essential factors to match up and coordinate. they have to be in harmony, or else, it's a non-starter. A no-brainer. What cultural and background factors are you talking about? where's she from?
Author bradc Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 (edited) where's she from? She's from the states and I'm from India Anyways, it's over. She's for sure lending me a cold shoulder and so I've pulled myself out of it too. We barely talk to each other now and I've decided to go on a NC with her. It seems i got too emotionally attached to this and that too very soon, I should've thought logically about it which gives me all the reasons why it wouldn't have worked in the first place, I should've had a stronger hold on my feelings and should not have let myself fall for this at all. I just wish I knew what exactly went wrong all of a sudden, it literally happened overnite. I wish she came up to me and told me why she didn't want to continue this anymore. She just bailed out suddenly Phew! It still sucks but I'll get over it. Thanks Tara for your advice. Really appreciated. Edited April 5, 2012 by bradc
Eddie Edirol Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 She's from the states and I'm from India Anyways, it's over. She's for sure lending me a cold shoulder and so I've pulled myself out of it too. We barely talk to each other now and I've decided to go on a NC with her. It seems i got too emotionally attached to this and that too very soon, I should've thought logically about it which gives me all the reasons why it wouldn't have worked in the first place, I should've had a stronger hold on my feelings and should not have let myself fall for this at all. I just wish I knew what exactly went wrong all of a sudden, it literally happened overnite. I wish she came up to me and told me why she didn't want to continue this anymore. She just bailed out suddenly Phew! It still sucks but I'll get over it. Thanks Tara for your advice. Really appreciated. have you seen her naked on cam? Does she get freaky? She probably wanted to have an lil innocent fling with someone before getting set up with whoever her family has picked out for her. They stick to that tradition pretty heavily in India. She probably told you all the words, but didnt really mean it as much as you did.
TaraMaiden Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I always say look for a third person, when things like this take a nose-dive when there's a sudden change of behaviour... i hate to say it, but it looks as if someone else might have grabbed her interest closer to home.... i'm sorry it turned out so disappointingly for you.....
Author bradc Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Eddie, Idk if that's something common for LDR couples or not but for us it def wasn't that way, I genuinely had feelings for her and thought she had too. We've never seen each other on cam but we've seen photos of one another on FB and all (clean public photos), our's was a very decent relationship (I don't know whether I can even coin it as a "relationship" now), we used to talk about general stuff, about our goals in life and how we felt for another another, how our future would be like together, watch movies, share music and all. Also, I am the one from India, she isn't. have you seen her naked on cam? Does she get freaky? She probably wanted to have an lil innocent fling with someone before getting set up with whoever her family has picked out for her. They stick to that tradition pretty heavily in India. She probably told you all the words, but didnt really mean it as much as you did.
TaraMaiden Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 have you seen her naked on cam? Does she get freaky? She probably wanted to have an lil innocent fling with someone before getting set up with whoever her family has picked out for her. They stick to that tradition pretty heavily in India. She probably told you all the words, but didnt really mean it as much as you did. shoot yourself in the tootsies, why doncha....? He - India. She - USA. Ok, any other bright ideas....?
Author bradc Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Don't know Tara, it could be because of that, but like changing overnite? That's still a mystery to me. But nonetheless, I learned a lot from this relationship, more about the mistakes I had made and about the times I acted like a complete jerk with her, throwing tantrums over little things or sometimes over nothing. Bickering over the stupidest and the most insignificant of matters and everything. Had I not done those, we probably would have still been talking to each other. But every time I goofed up, I apologized about it and made a conscious effort not to repeat it and I really didn't repeat it. I don't know, so many questions looming in my head now. I just hope she's happy wherever she is and whoever she is with, because she deserves to be happy, she's one of the most amazing person I've ever met in my life so far and I really really wanted to meet her one day. Anyways, life moves on and I will get over it one day but I will always cherish the moments we've spent together (virtually). Thank you so much for patiently listening and responding to all this, I felt like I just needed to share it with someone. P.S - She had said that she sent me a card about 10 days back which hasn't arrived yet. I honestly hope that it never reaches me, I figure it will just rekindle everything that I am trying to get rid off now. I always say look for a third person, when things like this take a nose-dive when there's a sudden change of behaviour... i hate to say it, but it looks as if someone else might have grabbed her interest closer to home.... i'm sorry it turned out so disappointingly for you.....
shorty7 Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Having a relationship through the internet when you've never met the person is more closer to an infatuation than what is actually a relationship. It's like the "pet rock" tamagochi's that were a fad a decade and a half ago. The electronic pet rocks are something you pour your emotions and affections into, and it reciprocates actions and possibly words back to you that can generate feelings for you. But, after a certain time, that initial "high" you experience from all those responses start to wear off. It's hard to talk about what's real and what's not when it comes to emotions, but in specific cases where two people have never met, I have been there and it IS easier to move on from. You'll eventually find a person you fall in love with in person, feel what a comfort it is to be around them, to touch their skin, to hold hands, to feel protected and at peace just by breathing the same air around them. It's the difference between seeing a picture of the Niagra Falls and actually BEING THERE. You just can't compare. So dear bradc, don't dispair. Go explore. Find your Niagra Falls. 2
Author bradc Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Thanks shorty7 - that all makes a lot of sense. btw, she texted me yesterday asking where I was since she hasn't seen me online since the last 2 days. I haven't replied to it yet and not sure if I'd be replying at all. I plan to be on NC with her for a few more days and see how things turn out. Thoughts?
TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Yeah... give it a few days, if only to try to think calmly, rationally and logically what you feel this relationship can give you. your two cultures are very different, you've been subjected to different customs, upbringings and the influences you've been subjected to are literally, worlds apart. consider how much effort this is all worth.
Recommended Posts