Ex Broke up with me Again Out of Nowhere

[lizardking8610]

So this is a somewhat lengthy story but I will try to be concise. She and I met 4 years ago online and started dating. She was 18 now 21, and I was 22 now 25. Dated for 3 years straight, was engaged, on and off for the last year. The relationship moved really quickly and we moved in with each other about 1-2 months after we started dating.

 

We started arguing a bit after we moved in together and she had some ex boyfriend drama, he was harassing her via text etc. but lived in another state she was 17 and he was 25. From what I understand she left him abruptly while he was at work and moved to another state. According to her he always suspected that she was cheating, and in fact she had cheated on him twice, by her own admission.

 

So after a time we kind of got into the routine of going out every night and drinking, going out to eat. However after a time the relationship kind of started to deteriorate, I was drinking too much and we were arguing a lot. Over this period I had totally stopped talking to my family and spent all my time with her family, big drinkers. She and her mother have a volatile, manipulative and toxic relationship. Whenever we would argue (she and I) her mother would try to set her up with other guys!

 

Around 1 year into the relationship I proposed to her and she accepted. My Mom and Aunt took over all the wedding planning because her family wouldnt/couldnt pay for anything. I didnt participate in much of the wedding planning, I wasnt that into it. She, however, was able to go out with my MOm and Aunt and buy anything she wanted and was getting a dream wedding. She was upset that I was that interested in flower arrangements and things like that, which I understand was my fault.

 

I had a pretty successful career going, but it was fairly high stress, I would sometime come home very stressed out and we had a lot of fights after we were engaged, me calling her names and screaming etc. her doing the same. After a time I quit my job in order to be able to spend more time with her and started a business (ultimately not very successful) but still payed the bills but we didnt have all the luxuries like going out every night like when I worked all the time.

 

Over this time period I noticed that since she had lost her father at 13 , she somewhat compared me to him. I kind of felt like it was my responsibility to look after her and not abandon her because all the people in her life (mom/stepdad) etc. are unstable and have constant drama all the time. I, in some ways, served as a mentor for her, kind of pulled her out of the gutter a little and helped give her the confidence to do things she wanted. (go to school, get a better job etc) I always felt that her decision making process was flawed with regards to how to handle relationships. I am the type that will talk things out...now that is....after getting sober and working on my spirituality.

 

So about 2 years in to the relationship I was spending the Christmas holidays with her family. For the past 14 years I have gone to Florida with my family so this was a big commitment for me. Her family is kind of Hillbillyish (self described) and like to drink a lot, my family is upper-middle Christians.

 

On the day before Christmas I wake up and she isn't there I call her and she doesnt answer. At this time I have a sinking feeling and call her up again until she answers at which point she informs me that she is leaving me and the engagement ring is in my Christmas Stocking. Tells me its because I don't treat her right (which I agree I didnt treat her right and she didnt treat me right) dont clean enough, have not hung her pictures up in the house, not scooping the cat litter....not having a "real job" Tells me I can keep all the furniture

 

I was very upset by this and went into panic mode and took like 4 teylenol pm and drank until I fell asleep. On Christmas Day I flew to florida because her entire family blacked me out and wouldnt answer phone calls or text so I literally would have had to spend Christmas alone and heartbroken.

 

While I was in Florida I talked to my uncle about AA (alcoholics anonymous) because I thought that maybe I might have a problem, I had done and said some stupid things while drinking in the relationship. So I entered AA and quit drinking. We were NC while I was in Florida, I called her once or twice, and she rejected me. I think I finally begged her to call me and she did, and I told her I was going into AA and I think a lot of the problems we had were related to my drinking. She said calling her names and not cleaning, taking care of things around the house wasnt acceptable at all. While in FL we agree, via text, to call of the wedding. I eat $10,000 bill. We rekindle everything and when I return to our Hometown I pick her up at her moms and it all starts again.

 

She moves back in within a week and we start right back to where we were and then after a time maybe 3 months everything goes to **** again and she leaves me, says she resents me because I cant drink, I am too needy, I dont clean enough. I was upset but I told her , "ok fine, need help with your bags?" I came home and she was packing her ****! So she left and I was really upset about it...I told her we should talk about it and that I was trying hard to be a good person and partner to her; going to church, AA, looking for a new job etc.

 

Dumped again I just go NC on her after the first day of trying to talk to her. Maybe 3 or 4 days later she starts blowing up my phone with texts and pictures of the cat we bought together. We meet to talk and get back together, she has a list of things that she wants changed some are legit some in my opinion are bs. I find out over the course of a few days that she had sex with someone her Mom set her up with 1 day after we broke up. I laughed and told her I cheated on her before we broke up because she shut me out emotionally and wouldnt talk to me. Thus begins the next chapter of the relationship. Before this we broke up under similar circumstances and reconcilled about a week later.

 

When we got back together I made her promise that she would take a break from talking to her MOM because her mom influences her so negatively and that she go to counseling to talk about these things (promiscuity, mother/father issues etc.) So she went to counseling stopped talking to her mom and really thanked me for it because she said she could see now with the help of her counselor that she always hurts herself and self sabatoges and avoids conflict(passive aggressive) and allows her mother to run her life while resenting her for her childhood (which isnt good because her mothers life is a mess, always).

 

So some more time goes by we're at about 3 years now, not engaged anymore, still living together, she comes home and says that maybe we cant be together. My heart sinks, I keep wondering how many more tribulations I will have to go through, I just want to be with her and thats it, I really dont want much, I love her and she says she loves me but she keeps leaving its crazy.

 

I talk her into some sort of friend with benefits situation and she agrees, only to inform me that she has leased her own apartment and will be moving out at the end of the month. (leaving me with all the rent to pay) I agree with this and tell her yes we should take things slow and see where it goes, no pressure.

 

I knew I was going to get hurt by the FWB situation so I went no contact and let her just stay at the apartment by herself and I stayed at my grandmas. She starts blowing me up big time and wants to talk to me and says that she feels like I am using her as a sex object and I say no no Im not. since shes feeling lonely she says she wants to see me so I drive the 45 minutes to the apartment and take a bath with her, no sex.

 

Next day shes back to telling me how shes moving out etc and taking all the furniture and everything. When she finally moves out she wants me over every night so I am over her place every night, making her feel safe etc. and having sex.

 

At this time I find out that my grandpa in Florida, who is my best friend and father figure (never knew my father) has cancer and has less than a month to live. I talked to him on the phone while I was at her Apartment and I broke down when I got off because it didnt even sound like him.

 

She said that she loved me and is grateful that she can be there for me in my time of need and that she understood because it was so hard on her and still is when she lost her father. So I get a ticket to go there and see him and he was really ill, on his deathbed, hardly able to talk, I had never seen him like this and it broke my heart so much. I love/ed him so much and miss him like crazy.

 

I text her saying how upset I am about how he looks and that it just kills me and she says well you need to be strong. I say that "I need you right now" she says "well I cant come to Florida silly, you need to get closer to your mom" this was a huge red flag for me and I knew that I was in for some drama when I got home.

 

The trip to florida was 2 days when I get home I was planning on taking her out to a nice dinner and had some gifts for her but she wasnt at my apartment like she was supposed to be. I call her up and I say whats going on and she says that she wants to meet for coffee. I say "coffee? arent we supposed to be going out for dinner?" she says "do you want to just do this over the phone?" I say "are you f*cking kidding me? after all that about being there for me you are going to leave me at my lowest point?" she says "I knew you were going to use that against me and say im cold but whatever, I hate your family and cant stand them, im sorry about your grandpa...." I interrupt and say "....go f*ck yourself" and hang up.

 

After this breakup we go no contact for about 1 1/2 months. I totally stopped talking to her I was appalled that she would do me like that. I felt like she totally used me for the emotional support of moving into her new place and lied about being there for me and let me down. During this 1 1/2 months of NC I started dating a few girls and had a girl I was kind of seeing. Out of nowhere I get a text from the EX asking for her tax return if it came to the house and that she wanted the bookshelves, desk and few other things she had left at my apartment. (I now have no furniture and a 3 bedroom apartment...depressing)

 

She wanted to pick them up at the house but I told her I would have them delivered and she agreed to have them delivered to a neutral location (my moms)

 

Come to find out that since we broke up shes been dating a 43 year old and living with him instead of at her apt. I told her what a mistake that probably was, young pretty girl with daddy issues dating older man. She agreed I was right and became very interested in what I was up to and asked about any girls. I said I was kind of seeing someone but missed her. She said she missed me and wanted to be with me...so we met and talked and she agreed to dump her ccurrent bf. She dumped him and moved in with her MOM (she and I both agreed that was a step backwards) she started to see her counselor again and I kind of blew off the girl I was seeing for my Ex.

 

So long story short we started dating for maybe 4 weeks and we seemed to be doing all the same things again. We were dealing with all her drama with her mom and work which I was there for her for. As always trying to "fix" all her problems for her. Helped her figure out her school and pick a direction and advise her on how to get financial aid and helped her find an apartment.

 

I "broke" it off with this girl I was seeing but tried to let her down gently...said I would miss her etc. The ex saw the messages and freaked out...we talked about it and she said she understood and I told her I just want to be with her and was just letting this girl down easy....she thought I was stringing her along....which I could also see.

 

During these 4 weeks we were talking a lot on the phone and texting and she was coming over 1 or 2 a week HER MOM SAID she wasnt aloud to spend the night at my house! I said that she should just agree since she was moving out soon.

 

So after this period of 4 weeks I think we got into 1 or 2 tiffs nothing major and a serious talk about those emails with the other girl. Who I wasnt doing anything with but dumping as I talked to the EX all the time.

 

Mind you up to this point she is saying I love you all the time and talking about our future or whatever. One night I get really sick and text her that I am in the ER and that I am very ill, 103 degree temperature, vomiting, sore throat felt like swallowing razorblades, I still cant eat solid food and I am still quite sick.

 

I text her and tell her I am really sick and in the hospital and she says she hopes I feel better but she is on her way to the CLUB with her friends and her friend is driving and it wouldnt be right to ask her to turn around. The next day I am released from the hospital and call her and she says "I hope I dont get it" I said "wow all you can think about is yourself" (I overreacted but was sick and felt like she didnt care) she just asked me what it was and how I got it. So we keep talking and I say "I love you but I felt like I needed you last night, even a call or text" and she said that I said "I had to go" when I was with the doctor. and "didnt want to bother you!"

 

She then accusses me of being "needy" because I wanted a little attention because I felt like I was on my deathbed (literally the sickest I have ever been ) I said "sometimes people need eachother thats what a relationship is about!" She says that "SHE DOESNT THINK SHE CAN GIVE ME WHAT I NEED" She goes on to say that "I accuse her of being flighty (as in she leaves a lot)

 

I told her when we first started talking again that I would need to see commitment and that she would have to be patient and that I needed love and support and that I would give her the same. I am a thinker and she is a big time feeler just as a side note.

 

She says "I want to take today to think about it and I will come over later if you want me too"

 

I say "well am I still coming over to your apartment and spending the night and stuff like that?"

 

She says" YEA but not all the time and you wont have a key?" (said same thing last time she moved out)

 

I say "yes I do but do you want to be my girlfriend, I mean what is there to think about"

 

She says "I cant give you what you need? (WTF)

 

I say a bunch of expletives and hang up.

 

 

So now she didnt answer my phone call and told me to leave her alone and wont tell me whats going on! One day were fine and the next day poof shes off again. She moved into her new apartment. Havent talked to her, went to her work (mistake) the day after I got out of the hospital and she said she would call me when she got out of work because I said I wanted to know why she left me.

 

Its been about 4 or 5 days NC (besides one text from me) I have been really sick and sleeping all the time to get rest. What the hell is going on?

 

 

Is she playing games with me?

 

What is everyones advice please help!

[wilsonx]

Read first paragraph, thats all i had to read... read the Grass is Greenier link in my signature, all your answers are there

[TaraMaiden]

this is a rotting, festering, putrid, rank carcass covered in festering sores, maggots and flies....

Good visual image, huh?

But it's true.....

 

bury it, put a headstone on it marked "once should have been enough" and turn around and walk away.

 

It is so over, it was dead by line 3.....

 

why go over the whole tale?

 

there is no doubt in my mind at all that you're not seeking advice here.

all you're doing is putting it out there to share, so we can help carry the load.

but this is something that no matter how many people respond - is always going to come back to the same point:

 

Walk away, and heal.

[lizardking8610]

I am really appreciating the responses I am trying to share my feelings and see if anyone can relate

[Leigh 87]

First of all... I have been with my boyfriend for a year, and let me tell you: after A MONTH, if he was in hospital that ill, I WOULD BE THERE in a heartbeat.

 

 

If you have true feelings for a person, you would drop everything and be by their side, if they were in HOSPITAL. Look, she may not be capable of having a true, deap, meaninggul relationship with ANY one. Or, perhaps it is just with you. By the sounds of things, you are a LOVELY sounding guy, and it is probably because she is too selfish to give herself truly to ANY one.

 

 

She cannot give you what you need, she is right: YOU NEED and DESERVE a women, who will rush to your side if you fall ill! If my partner was in your shoes, I would stay home from work and get fired if need be, just to be in bed with him, waiting on him, bringing him food/.water, love, hugs...

 

Please, do not settle for this girl. You deserve a person who will be there foe you when things get bad. A close family member DIED! !!!! And she did not even smother you with hugs, kisses, or love!!!!!!!! DId she sent you lotsof texts to check up on you, to ask if you were ok?

 

Your girlfriend has no idea how to be in a loving relationship. She:

 

- assumes you will pay the rent when she left... fair enough, if she had no money and need you to pay it for her, but she could have had the decency to ASK. Not feel entitled:sick:

 

- She WENT CLUBBING while you were in HOSPITAL:sick:

 

- She did not sound very supportive or concerned when your close family member died:sick:

 

 

THe way she has treated you makes me sick. There is no two ways about it! Just because I do not fully know what you two are like together, the fact she has DONE what you said she has done, means she is seriously not worthy of your love right now.

[Leigh 87]

I am really appreciating the responses I am trying to share my feelings and see if anyone can relate

 

 

 

Actually, people who respect themselves and demand a person in a relationship to treat them well, will not relate to your post. Most people would not tollerate her disgusting behaviour. I think she has emotional issues, she is not able to be close to a person and show them love.

 

No one in a healthy relationship can relate to this. Your best option? I Urge you to listen:

 

- tell her that you care about her, but that the way she treats you IS NOT healthy. Tell her that a normal, healthy person would care if their partner was sick in hospital. The fact she went out clubbing, and did not send a lot of hugs and kisses through text even, suggests she is not able to be emotionally with a person.

 

- Make it clear that her actions are that of an unhealthy person. Explain and try to drill it in to her that her actions are not normal. I ENCOURAGE you to write a letter, she will probably not hear you out if you speak to her, and tell her she is abnormal.

 

- Your a decent person by the sounds of things, so once u try to tell her the advice you know she needs to hear, GO NC once and for all.

[lizardking8610]

I know you're right it is just hard for me I thought I was over her and then I let her pull me back in again and break my heart. Play with fire you're going to get burned though...I guess

[TaraMaiden]

read the link in my signature.

Please know that it's a virtual prescription for guaranteed recovery. but you have to keep taking "the medicine" and stick to the course 100% for 100% of the time.

Read it - then read it again.

and for good measure, read it a third time.

Copy, paste and stick it up one very wall of where you live.

Know it, inside out, upside-down until you know it word-for-word.....

 

go for it - and find your life again.

[lizardking8610]

I worry about her contacting me and not being strong enough not to fall in the trap again.

 

What are ways to avoid this?

 

From past experience I would say it is likely that she will contact me and have the nerve to try this again.

[TaraMaiden]

Read.

 

The.

 

No Contact guide.

 

it contains all the answers.....

 

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?

A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex. That means no calls, no emails, no text/sms, IM's - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach. If necessary, get someone else to hold on to them for you.... after a while, you won't know what's there, and won't want it back, anyway...

The harder you make it for her to actually get in touch with you, the less temptation you will have.

 

cutting all ties, means exactly that.

cut it out of your life, like some harmful cyst or tumour draining your life energy....

The surgery is hard, the healing difficult - bit it will get better sooner if you quit pulling out the stitches.....

[robertmathis1026]

You very care with her, that's good, but you ask for retribution for your attention and all things that you have done. Maybe she's right you are needy. So there's only 2 possbility here take her back or let her go. Go ask yourself, what do you want?

 

"Are you SUFFERING THE PAIN, because your ex DUMP you? Can You imagine, if you can make your ex BEGGING TO BACK WITH YOU? click here to make it HAPPEN!!"

[lizardking8610]

Any other advise please I feel desperate I have not contacted her even though I want to

[TaraMaiden]

What other advice do you think you want, or need?

Everything you need to do, is all right here, in this thread....

 

what you actually want is for someone to come in, give you the perfect formula for putting everything back to the way you want it to be, and help you get to "happy ever after" with her.

I'm sorry, that's not going to happen.

you have to face the sad truth - this is over, and there is no going back.

 

Instead of pining for what was, focus on what will be - but only if you do what you know is right.

 

It being right, doesn't make it easy, I know.

But it's still the right thing to do.

And it's all you can do right now.....