Anela Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Got it. Please check your baggage. Gotta be honest here, never known a married couple where the wife didn't take the last name of the husband. I'm not the only one with baggage, and I still think the opening question is a good one.
phineas Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 The thing is, this really only says something about your immediate local culture, the circles you move in, and possibly the age range of your peers. It doesn't say anything particular about marriage, or anybody else's motives or feelings around their own names. As others have pointed out, it's common in many cultures for women to keep their names, and for children to take a name that's a combination of both parents', or some other variation on the theme. In the circles I move in, I'd say it's split roughly into thirds, with 1/3 of the women I know taking their husband's name, 1/3 keeping their original name, and 1/3 hyphenating or hybridizing. This estimate includes older couples, in which the women almost uniformly changed their names, and some outlier couples in which the husband took the wife's name. I have seen absolutely zero correlation between name status and marital happiness. I understand other women's reasons for making each choice, and don't feel one way or the other about it, for them. I myself am happily married, and retain my original last name. Exactly what type of circles do you move in? I move around with businessmen, union workers, laborers, tradesmen, small business owners, Public school teachers, IT guys, theater groups, military men, ect. Maybe this kind of thing does exist from where I am from. I don't know everyone. Maybe the hippies or artsy types do this but those people are a small group in my area & quite snobbish so they keep to themselves & they usually don't go by their birth name anyways. Not pretentious enough.
Carlos S Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 The kind of girl that I would marry (if I ever get married) would not be the kind of girl who'd changed her name. I'm fairly socially progressive and pragmatic, and the girl I'd want to be with would be someone who shares those values. It wouldn't make me feel good at all - if anything, the opposite. I mean, that's YOUR NAME. That's WHO YOU ARE. Why do you need or want mine? (And for goodness' sake you're not my sister ) Not to mention the practical considerations of notifying people that you've changed your name due to marriage and getting official documents changed. Especially if you have a professional reputation. To me, it's just a culturally specific anachronism 6
Author Jane2011 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 In the circles I move in, I'd say it's split roughly into thirds, with 1/3 of the women I know taking their husband's name, 1/3 keeping their original name, and 1/3 hyphenating or hybridizing. This estimate includes older couples, in which the women almost uniformly changed their names, and some outlier couples in which the husband took the wife's name. I have seen absolutely zero correlation between name status and marital happiness. I understand other women's reasons for making each choice, and don't feel one way or the other about it, for them. It's the same for me. I am seeing it a lot (couples getting married, but the woman keeping her name completely). I think it's my social circle... I'm in favor of the woman keeping her own name, but as I've said several times in this thread, I'm flexible if it matters to a guy I love. I'd marry and change my last name for a guy who was generally progressive-minded. Not likely to change my name for one who wasn't (but then, I wouldn't even be involved with one who wasn't, so it would never come to that). Also, I'm sure a lot of guys on here are gonna hate this one: I have a friend who is married who most certainly hasn't taken her husband's last name, but she also doesn't even like the word "husband." She refuses to refer to him as her husband. She calls him her partner. She even cuts me off, when I accidentally say "so you and your husband..." with "Jane, don't use that word. Sorry, I just hate it..." 1
mesmerized Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 The kind of girl that I would marry (if I ever get married) would not be the kind of girl who'd changed her name. I'm fairly socially progressive and pragmatic, and the girl I'd want to be with would be someone who shares those values. It wouldn't make me feel good at all - if anything, the opposite. I mean, that's YOUR NAME. That's WHO YOU ARE. Why do you need or want mine? (And for goodness' sake you're not my sister ) Not to mention the practical considerations of notifying people that you've changed your name due to marriage and getting official documents changed. Especially if you have a professional reputation. To me, it's just a culturally specific anachronism :eek:You're the kind of guy I would marry. 1
Carlos S Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Actually, I would prefer to use 'partner' to, particularly in formal settings. (Also, I'm a fairly private guy and whether I specifically have a girlfriend, wife or de facto really doesn't have to come out in conversation if it does not need to)
Author Jane2011 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 Actually, I would prefer to use 'partner' to, particularly in formal settings. (Also, I'm a fairly private guy and whether I specifically have a girlfriend, wife or de facto really doesn't have to come out in conversation if it does not need to) I'm with ya. I'm not crazy about referring to someone as my 'partner', but I'm also not crazy about 'husband' either. If I'm married to the guy, 'boyfriend' sounds kind of off and maybe overly young, too. I don't know what term I would want, but I do know that I don't like any of these. I've gone crazy in the past three or so years. My views about a lot of things are shifting. I don't want things that I wanted just five years ago.
dasein Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 I would gladly change my last name to a wife's provided her last name was "Superstar," "Hungwell," or "Einstein."
Author Jane2011 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 :eek:You're the kind of guy I would marry. Was going to say the same thing to him. Three cheers for Carlos! 1
Carlos S Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Was going to say the same thing to him. Three cheers for Carlos! You made my day
setsenia Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Maybe you should enlighten yourself as to the absolute fact that not everybody is radical man hating feminist. Did I say anything about hating men?
make me believe Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Also, I'm sure a lot of guys on here are gonna hate this one: I have a friend who is married who most certainly hasn't taken her husband's last name, but she also doesn't even like the word "husband." She refuses to refer to him as her husband. She calls him her partner. She even cuts me off, when I accidentally say "so you and your husband..." with "Jane, don't use that word. Sorry, I just hate it..." OMG! Now the words husband and wife are problematic??! Give me a fking break! "Husband" and "wife" are accurate descriptors of a married couple. If you don't want a HUSBAND, don't get MARRIED! :rolleyes: FFS. This is absolutely ridiculous.
sweetjasmine Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 The thing is, this really only says something about your immediate local culture, the circles you move in, and possibly the age range of your peers. It doesn't say anything particular about marriage, or anybody else's motives or feelings around their own names. As others have pointed out, it's common in many cultures for women to keep their names, and for children to take a name that's a combination of both parents', or some other variation on the theme. In the circles I move in, I'd say it's split roughly into thirds, with 1/3 of the women I know taking their husband's name, 1/3 keeping their original name, and 1/3 hyphenating or hybridizing. This estimate includes older couples, in which the women almost uniformly changed their names, and some outlier couples in which the husband took the wife's name. I have seen absolutely zero correlation between name status and marital happiness. I understand other women's reasons for making each choice, and don't feel one way or the other about it, for them. I myself am happily married, and retain my original last name. In the circles I move in, it's about the same - split into thirds. Most of the people I know who didn't change their names are academics with publications, people who rely on their name for business, or professionals with credentials and degrees to worry about. I also know a good number of people with dual citizenship, and practically none of them bother to change things because it'd involve paperwork in two countries and international travel to simply get it done. In my family, women hyphenate or turn their maiden names into their middle names (which they go by and don't abbreviate, so it's essentially the same as hyphenating without the literal hyphen). I can't think of an immediate family member other than one grandmother who completely dropped her maiden name altogether. When I leave my name as is, I won't be the first in my family to do so, either. We have a long tradition of hyphenating, but it's really not a big deal. I don't think name changes say anything about anything other than how the individuals feel about changing their names. And I don't see how it's anybody's business, either. It doesn't affect anyone outside the nuclear family, so what's the big deal? 1
ASG Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 I won't be changing my name. I may ADD my husband's name after mine, but just plain changing it is something I wouldn't do. But it has to do with culture. In Portugal, where I'm from there is no changing of names. You add them to your own, if you feel like it. To be honest, most people don't even bother. As for children surnames, even if I'm not in Portugal I will insist on my kids having MY name followed by the dad's name, just like I have (and everyone in Portugal). Obvisouly this isn't even a question if I go back to Portugal and marry someone portuguese. I'm saying this in the event I marry someone fro the UK or the US or any other country that only uses one surname.
JohnP82 Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 She can keep her name....it will be her new middle name.
Anela Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Did I say anything about hating men? No, you didn't. Neither did I.
setsenia Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 I was spared having to make that decision when I married because my husband's mother changed his name to his stepfather's when he was a child. His relationship to his stepfather could be described at best as nonexistent and at worst antagonistic. I kept my name, and my son has my last name. My H had to move in with mom and stepdad at 16, when his dad passed away. Even though the stepfather legally adopted him, his relationship wasn't any better than your H. Despite being married to his mom for 20 years, he never made an effort to actually treat my husband, let alone me, like family. Thank goodness my H never took his last name or anything.
udolipixie Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Women: if/when you get married (if you have the desire to), do you have any intention of taking your husband's last name? Would you just as soon keep yours as long as he doesn't mind? If I ever had to consider marriage I'm keeping my name. I see changing my name to his as becoming his property, losing my identity to become his identity, and earning a position as his servant titled "wife". If it's important for us to have 1 name then we can make up a new last name that way it's an equal exchange and we become one person- our person rather than I become his person or he become my person (a far more unlikely occurrence of men changing to wife name) What are everyone's thoughts on this? Do you think it's old-fashioned now for a woman to change her name? I think it's old fashioned and it's not becoming one person but more specifically becoming his person. Generally I think most people would scoff at the idea that in western world historically the woman changed her name as she was now the husband's property and there's still a bit of that tinge even now. After all there's plenty of stigma and talking about emasculated when a guy changes his name to his wife's. A supposed show of respect, committment, and being a family unit is necessary for one gender but degrading and being less than for the other ggender yet nope no owning there at all. Gender wise: I think few women would have an issue with changing their names as most women dream of being married since young and changing the name is the traditional. As well as most women are ever eager to prove their love, trust, and commitment to their partner and seem to be far more willing to go past the odds, sacrifice, and compromise than their partner would ever do for them so even those that may nor want to would end up doing so just to please their partner. I think most guys would see a woman's refusal as a blow to their ego and pride. Probably many of those same guys wouldn't see any issue in requiring a prenupital which is planning for an end. As well as some men could take it as a lack of commitment or respect or not being a family unit while not noticing that they didn't have to change their names to prove their commitment or respect or to be a family unit. Then again when it comes to marriage the notion is that the man is doing her a favor by marrying her he's doing a huge sacrifice on the loads of women he could be sleeping with and she should be grateful that he's there due to the whole societal message that a woman without a man is pathetic and a man without a woman is free and indulging in the various multiple sex from young attractive women.
Chicago_Guy Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Women: if/when you get married (if you have the desire to), do you have any intention of taking your husband's last name? Would you just as soon keep yours as long as he doesn't mind? Men: Would you not marry a woman who had no plans to take your last name? What are everyone's thoughts on this? Do you think it's old-fashioned now for a woman to change her name? Maybe I am a traditionalist, but I would definitely prefer a woman to take my last name and I would question how serious she was about marriage if she didn't want to do so.
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