kaylan Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 that was exactly my point. if a man wants the "traditional" name change, he better be traditional in every other aspect as well. but most men just want to have their cake and eat it too, as the saying goes. And women dont?
Alma Mobley Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I was spared having to make that decision when I married because my husband's mother changed his name to his stepfather's when he was a child. His relationship to his stepfather could be described at best as nonexistent and at worst antagonistic. I kept my name, and my son has my last name. 1
phineas Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 All I can think of is that scene in hot tub time machine when the guys realize their buddy took his wife's last name. Is it just me, but does anyone else notice that the eternally single women on this forum seem to like being difficult just for the sake of being difficult and then blame men for not wanting to put up with it? I mean honestly. mesmerized, you want a true traditional marriage? I don't think that is possible, i mean you've already been let out of the kitchen. 1
RedRobin Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 It made sense when I was younger, but now I'm too established in my career. It would be like changing the name of GE to GO... and expecting everyone to follow along. I like what the mayor of LA did. They changed both of their names into a mish-mash. They created their own family name together. It's not unheard of. My own maiden name was a bastardization of the family name that came over on Ellis Island. But to the OP's original post. I don't see any reason for it. Plus it tends to 'sever' a woman's identity. Perhaps that was the point. Disassociate her with whatever life she had before in favor of the life with her H. That's great, but it's a two way street. Either he do the same (ie mish-mash joint name) or no go. 2
harmayanigrengel Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 A woman was expected to change her last name to her husband's because just like pigs, cows and land, she was his property. She had nothing for herself. If I were to ever get married--and I am never getting married--I wouldn't change my last name. I am not anyone's property. 1
Anela Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Is it just me, but does anyone else notice that the eternally single women on this forum seem to like being difficult just for the sake of being difficult and then blame men for not wanting to put up with it? No, I haven't. I'm single right now, because I *want* to be. I'm "difficult" because I have self-respect, and because in this case, it IS a good question. I'm not property, and he isn't the only one who did the choosing - I did as well. My sister was "taken" long ago, because she's so pretty that she had men fawning over her, and rather than let go of a man who tried to cheat on her, hurt us both and humiliated her, she pretended to stay friends and then got back together with him. I have been kind, set boundaries, and rebelled against misogyny, in my relationships. I've been mostly single, because of my wanting to be, not because nobody wanted me. I'm not going to go into it all, and I really don't think that I should have to. Plenty of people hyphenate. They aren't buying me, as they would a computer, or a house.
Jeremy87 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 A woman was expected to change her last name to her husband's because just like pigs, cows and land, she was his property. She had nothing for herself. If I were to ever get married--and I am never getting married--I wouldn't change my last name. I am not anyone's property. To all those women who are traditionalists and say "Oh, it's a sign of commitment and love for my husband that I have decided to take his name, wah, wah, wah"--well, what about HIM? What does he have to do in order to prove his commitment? He doesn't have to change something that, more than likely, has had a significant role in defining him for his entire life. What a stupidly dumb post. That's not why women change their names. What the hell are you going to name the kids?
Jeremy87 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I was sooo excited to change my name when I got married! It's been 10 months and I'm still not totally used to having a new last name, but I get a huge thrill by signing it. I don't quite understand women who refuse to change their name. I love having a family name with my husband. I think refusing to do so in the name of "feminism" or because of what it "used to represent," while you willingly go along with TONS of other wedding & marriage traditions that have "unfeminist" roots is strange. And I don't understand when women won't change their name, but then almost always give the kids the dad's last name. Isn't that kind of "unfeminist" too? And wouldn't you want to have the same last name as your children to avoid confusion? IDK....I just think people think too much about this. I don't feel like my husband owns me just because I took his last name, and I HIGHLY doubt anybody else does either. I also don't feel like I lost my identity. How dramatic. Getting married was a significant event & change in my life, and I like that my name now reflects that change and my new position as "wife." My kind of woman. You are a real woman.
zengirl Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 FWIW, as I said on the similar thread on the Getting Married section, in many countries (countries with less equality in many cases, ironically to this discussion), women don't change their names or share the same last name as their children. 1
Jeremy87 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I feel like I'd be more willing to take a guy's last name the less insistent he was that I take it. It really doesn't matter to me much, though, and I'm in no danger of getting married, so.... what a ain women are with this attitude. No women I'm going to spend a lot more years going for sex over relationships. Who has time for this non sense.
stillafool Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I considered it an honor to take my husband's last name. I love it when people call me Mrs.________. 2
Feelsgoodman Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 So....someone who thinks men and women should be treated as equals and stands up for women's rights means she is incapable of true love and commitment? How so? I know plenty of feminists in very long term marriages who are very in love with their husband. Marriages can be loveless, name change or not. Feminism has nothing to do with desire for equality (but that's a different topic).
denise_xo Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Women: if/when you get married (if you have the desire to), do you have any intention of taking your husband's last name? Would you just as soon keep yours as long as he doesn't mind? Men: Would you not marry a woman who had no plans to take your last name? What are everyone's thoughts on this? Do you think it's old-fashioned now for a woman to change her name? I think it's totally old fashioned and based on outdated patriarchal traditions to take a mans surname. I would personally never do it. If a man wouldn't marry me for that reason, we would very clearly be incompatible. Having said that, if a woman feels like doing that, then obviously she should go ahead. 3
setsenia Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Feminism has nothing to do with desire for equality (but that's a different topic). Wow, really?! LOL:lmao:
setsenia Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 What a stupidly dumb post. That's not why women change their names. What the hell are you going to name the kids? Maybe you should enlighten yourself as to the original origin when and why women first started taking their husband's last names. You might be surprised.
Feelsgoodman Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 FWIW, as I said on the similar thread on the Getting Married section, in many countries (countries with less equality in many cases, ironically to this discussion), women don't change their names or share the same last name as their children. That proves that the name changing convention in western countires has nothing to with the "ownership" of women, as one extremely unintelligent poster suggested previously. On a side-note, feminists like the few who posted in this thread are ruining it for the rest of the female gender. Men nowadays have no choice but to be 'suspicious by default' when it comes to long-term relationships with women. Who wants to be stuck in a marriage with a man-hating feminist shrew? 1
Negative Nancy Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Who wants to be stuck in a marriage with a man-hating feminist shrew? and who wants to be stuck in a marriage with a cheating, disloyal non-traditional selfish man? 1
Feelsgoodman Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Wow, really?! LOL:lmao: Shocking I know. Would you be equally surprised if I told that communism has nothing to do with class equality? Like all 'isms', feminism is a false and subversive ideology that, under the pretense of a fight for equality, was used to emasculate the western society by destroying its traditional values. You think feminism brought happiness to the western female? Then how do you explain the fact that 25% of all American women take mental health drugs nowadays?? And how do you explain the legions of divorced or never-married middle aged women putting on a brave face and trying to pretend that there is nothing wrong with being a single 40+ year old woman? Sure these women have equal opportunity, jobs and disposable income which they can spend on designer shoes and iphones...But are these women truly happy in their pathetic emulation of the sex and the city lifestyle? I don't think so.
Feelsgoodman Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 and who wants to be stuck in a marriage with a cheating, disloyal non-traditional selfish man? You can thank feminism for creating this non-traditional man.
serial muse Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Aaaanyway, returning to the OP...I didn't change my name when I got married. I wasn't inclined to, because my name is actually my brand in my line of work, and the plain truth is, it's a much more unique name than my husband's. So for pragmatic reasons, I preferred not to. But I honestly didn't feel emotionally strongly about it, and if my husband had told me he did, I would have taken that into account. So I asked him about it. He was very surprised and said, "why would you do that?" So we're good. I think that it's kind of rude for people to make judgments about other peoples' relationships based on what is really a decision for the couple to make. I don't judge people for changing their name, and I would hope no one would bother to judge me for my decision. What's the point, anyway? And as zengirl points out, this is hardly a thing that's been around since the dawn of time, or the dawn of marriage as a modern concept. It's not universal in the world, even in more "traditional" gender-role societies. Like a diamond engagement ring, it's a fairly recent idea that's become somehow deeply entwined with the western world's notion of marriage. I can see the romance of both things, but I don't think it's necessary to judge people who go another way. 5
Jeremy87 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Maybe you should enlighten yourself as to the original origin when and why women first started taking their husband's last names. You might be surprised. Maybe you should enlighten yourself as to the absolute fact that not everybody is radical man hating feminist.
kaylan Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) Feminism has nothing to do with desire for equality (but that's a different topic). Actually it does. Dont let a few militant women who bastardize the meaning of feminism to ruin the whole movement. What you are saying is like someone saying the Civil Rights movement wasnt about equality because Al Sharpton is a douche bag. Hes a douche bag, but he doesnt speak for all minority groups.You can thank feminism for creating this non-traditional man. Men were cheating LONG before feminism. Lets be serious bucko. Shocking I know. Would you be equally surprised if I told that communism has nothing to do with class equality? Like all 'isms', feminism is a false and subversive ideology that, under the pretense of a fight for equality, was used to emasculate the western society by destroying its traditional values. You think feminism brought happiness to the western female? Then how do you explain the fact that 25% of all American women take mental health drugs nowadays?? And how do you explain the legions of divorced or never-married middle aged women putting on a brave face and trying to pretend that there is nothing wrong with being a single 40+ year old woman? Sure these women have equal opportunity, jobs and disposable income which they can spend on designer shoes and iphones...But are these women truly happy in their pathetic emulation of the sex and the city lifestyle? I don't think so. Please, please show me a study that shows a correlation between equal opportunity and mental health issues. Lmao @ you think people taking for drugs has anything to do with feminism. Wow. Just when I dont think you could surprise me anymore. Edited March 23, 2012 by kaylan 5
phineas Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 No, I haven't. I'm single right now, because I *want* to be. I'm "difficult" because I have self-respect, and because in this case, it IS a good question. I'm not property, and he isn't the only one who did the choosing - I did as well. My sister was "taken" long ago, because she's so pretty that she had men fawning over her, and rather than let go of a man who tried to cheat on her, hurt us both and humiliated her, she pretended to stay friends and then got back together with him. I have been kind, set boundaries, and rebelled against misogyny, in my relationships. I've been mostly single, because of my wanting to be, not because nobody wanted me. I'm not going to go into it all, and I really don't think that I should have to. Plenty of people hyphenate. They aren't buying me, as they would a computer, or a house. Got it. Please check your baggage. Gotta be honest here, never known a married couple where the wife didn't take the last name of the husband.
Ursa Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Gotta be honest here, never known a married couple where the wife didn't take the last name of the husband. The thing is, this really only says something about your immediate local culture, the circles you move in, and possibly the age range of your peers. It doesn't say anything particular about marriage, or anybody else's motives or feelings around their own names. As others have pointed out, it's common in many cultures for women to keep their names, and for children to take a name that's a combination of both parents', or some other variation on the theme. In the circles I move in, I'd say it's split roughly into thirds, with 1/3 of the women I know taking their husband's name, 1/3 keeping their original name, and 1/3 hyphenating or hybridizing. This estimate includes older couples, in which the women almost uniformly changed their names, and some outlier couples in which the husband took the wife's name. I have seen absolutely zero correlation between name status and marital happiness. I understand other women's reasons for making each choice, and don't feel one way or the other about it, for them. I myself am happily married, and retain my original last name. 5
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