Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Women: if/when you get married (if you have the desire to), do you have any intention of taking your husband's last name? Would you just as soon keep yours as long as he doesn't mind? Men: Would you not marry a woman who had no plans to take your last name? What are everyone's thoughts on this? Do you think it's old-fashioned now for a woman to change her name?
jerbear Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Men: Would you not marry a woman who had no plans to take your last name? I would not care if she wanted to take my last name or not. I did not adopt her nor is she my dependent. What are everyone's thoughts on this? Do you think it's old-fashioned now for a woman to change her name? I would marry the whole person that includes her name. I wouldn't want her to change her name just for tradition. She can change her name is she wants. 5
tigressA Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 A woman was expected to change her last name to her husband's because just like pigs, cows and land, she was his property. She had nothing for herself. If I were to ever get married--and I am never getting married--I wouldn't change my last name. I am not anyone's property. To all those women who are traditionalists and say "Oh, it's a sign of commitment and love for my husband that I have decided to take his name, wah, wah, wah"--well, what about HIM? What does he have to do in order to prove his commitment? He doesn't have to change something that, more than likely, has had a significant role in defining him for his entire life. 4
USCGAviator Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 If I get married again she'll take my last name too.
Author Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 If I get married again she'll take my last name too. Would you not marry her if she didn't? (I'm assuming that's the case - just confirming)
USCGAviator Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Would you not marry her if she didn't? (I'm assuming that's the case - just confirming) Nope. She would know early on how I felt about it.
kaylan Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Women: if/when you get married (if you have the desire to), do you have any intention of taking your husband's last name? Would you just as soon keep yours as long as he doesn't mind? Men: Would you not marry a woman who had no plans to take your last name? What are everyone's thoughts on this? Do you think it's old-fashioned now for a woman to change her name? I wouldnt not marry her just because she wanted to keep her name. I would feel a bit odd about it, but its her choice. Id hope shed at least want to hyphenate our last names together with mine on the end. Conversely I wouldnt mind being unorthodox and taking her name...just like Jack White of the White Stripes did when him and Meg White first got married. 2
Author Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 (edited) I wouldnt not marry her just because she wanted to keep her name. I would feel a bit odd about it, but its her choice. Id hope shed at least want to hyphenate our last names together with mine on the end. Conversely I wouldnt mind being unorthodox and taking her name...just like Jack White of the White Stripes did when him and Meg White first got married. My attitude toward it all has changed in recent years. Years ago, I would have been all about changing my last name to the man's last name. No hyphenation even. Just take his name. Then I got to the point that I was like, "Nah...hyphenation." Now I'm down with keeping my name completely. It started at the tail end of when I was with my ex-boyfriend, and when I mentioned it to him, I think it bothered him a little. And I told him that it wasn't that big a deal to me, that it was a preference, but if it mattered to him at all, I'd take his. After all, while I do have a little of the thinking mentioned in Tigress's post, I also think, a la Romeo and Juliet, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. So would Romeo were he not Romeo called." A name is just a name. Big deal. I could be called John Smith and I'd still be me. Very modern women could say "oh that's a shame she's owned by her husband because she has his name," but that would not change the fact that no, I'm not owned or possessed by my husband. I just thought I'd be nice and take his name to make him feel good, 'cause I really don't think names mean anything anyway. Words/names are just signifiers; they're not truth or essence. At any rate, I could see that my boyfriend would like me to take his name, even though he said it was fine with him if I didn't. We never really got that into it because, though we got engaged at one point, we never really got close enough to marriage to really think about it. I also suspected that he thought my preferring to keep my own name if we got married was that he is Hispanic and has a Hispanic last name. I really think he thought I would be ashamed to have a Hispanic last name. I'm ethnic already, but Asian, not Hispanic. But the thing is, I would prefer to keep my last name no matter who it was, no matter what the type of last name. Now I'm pretty much in the camp that would rather just keep her own name, no hyphenation even. But...I also wouldn't mind doing the hyphenation thing. I think it's sweet to join names like that. And I would want my husband (I don't know that I plan to get married, though) to feel good about things. And like I said, "what's in a name?" It's no big deal to me. Edited March 22, 2012 by Jane2011
Badsingularity Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 If a woman decides not to take her husbands last name. What last name would they give their children, if they had any?
Author Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 If a woman decides not to take her husbands last name. What last name would they give their children, if they had any? If I had a husband and kids (and I increasingly believe that I won't, but if I did), they'd have their father's last name even if I kept my own. I think that's a nice trade-off because the mother is usually closer to the children in general. She also carried them around for nine months and has this connection that the father can never have (or maybe just doesn't usually have). It's kind of a symbolic gesture, the way I see it, to have the kids have their father's last name. 1
LexiB Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I'd have no problem taking my husband's last name. Although, if he had a strange name or one I just didn't like, I'd hyphenate.
Emilia Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Years ago I would have taken his name, now I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to marry a man either who thought my being called Mrs X was essential for his well being. 2
Author Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 (edited) Years ago I would have taken his name, now I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to marry a man either who thought my being called Mrs X was essential for his well being. I feel like the kind of men I like are very progressive. Definitely so, really. My last serious boyfriend was in some ways even more feminist than I am. Yet he was still a holdout (a little) about the last name thing. I can also see a couple others I've liked still wanting the last name change even though they're very progressive-minded in general. So I'd still change my name if I got married *and* he really wanted it. But at the same time, I do feel like there's a very good chance that if I got married, it'd be to the type of guy who didn't care. And I also think the guys I've liked who "would like" if I changed my name would also not be that hurt if I didn't. Who knows, really. My attitude toward even just marriage has changed in the past two years, though. I increasingly don't want to get married, even if a guy I loved wanted marriage with me. But I'm not really sure about that. Edited March 22, 2012 by Jane2011
Emilia Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I hear you. Marriage isn't on the cards for me anymore. If it was, it would be to a man who was a thinker and wasn't a stickler for convention. It's so restrictive in many ways, I like men who have the balls to have their own mind. It isn't so much about feminism (I don't even know what that means nowdays exactly), it's more about not having strict beliefs when it comes to gender roles.
phineas Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 If a woman decides not to take her husbands last name. What last name would they give their children, if they had any? It defaults to the father's name. Where I live, a woman with a kid whose last name doesn't match hers is assumed to be divorced or having never wed. I personally wouldn't of married if she didn't take my name. I'm italian / sicilian and it's unheard of in our family.
make me believe Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I was sooo excited to change my name when I got married! It's been 10 months and I'm still not totally used to having a new last name, but I get a huge thrill by signing it. I don't quite understand women who refuse to change their name. I love having a family name with my husband. I think refusing to do so in the name of "feminism" or because of what it "used to represent," while you willingly go along with TONS of other wedding & marriage traditions that have "unfeminist" roots is strange. And I don't understand when women won't change their name, but then almost always give the kids the dad's last name. Isn't that kind of "unfeminist" too? And wouldn't you want to have the same last name as your children to avoid confusion? IDK....I just think people think too much about this. I don't feel like my husband owns me just because I took his last name, and I HIGHLY doubt anybody else does either. I also don't feel like I lost my identity. How dramatic. Getting married was a significant event & change in my life, and I like that my name now reflects that change and my new position as "wife." 2
zengirl Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I never liked my last name. It wasn't MY name. It was my father's name, and I don't even have a very strong relationship with my father. I almost changed it to my own self-made name in college, and maybe THAT I would've kept. But none of our names are "our" names. We all get them from somewhere. Anyway, I changed my name when I got married. I really like hubby's last name, and it flows well with my first name. Fits easier on a businesscard. All in all, a step up. I doubt hubby gave two figs, though. It's just a name. I'd just go by my first name, like Madonna, if I could. 2
Emilia Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 It defaults to the father's name. Where I live, a woman with a kid whose last name doesn't match hers is assumed to be divorced or having never wed. I personally wouldn't of married if she didn't take my name. I'm italian / sicilian and it's unheard of in our family. wouldn't HAVE married. Sorry, this is one of my pet hates, terrible grammar and yet so common in American English. It doesn't even make sense.
Author Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 It isn't so much about feminism (I don't even know what that means nowdays exactly), it's more about not having strict beliefs when it comes to gender roles. I took a course not long ago in feminism (not to say that means I know minutely what modern feminism entails), but the course at least purported to fill one in. It's about a lot of things, some of it not even having to do with gender at all. But I used the word in my post initially because I think at least one aspect of it is not having strict beliefs about gender roles, which you mentioned.
make me believe Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I never liked my last name. It wasn't MY name. It was my father's name, and I don't even have a very strong relationship with my father. I almost changed it to my own self-made name in college, and maybe THAT I would've kept. But none of our names are "our" names. We all get them from somewhere. Totally agree. 1
GoodOnPaper Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Men: Would you not marry a woman who had no plans to take your last name? I might be a little disappointed but it would by no means be a dealbreaker. There can be plenty of compelling personal and professional reasons to not take your husband's last name. I am a scientist in academia and when in graduate school, it was rare for the married women in my PhD program to take their husbands' last names. Some of the women hyphenated, others simply kept their maiden name. Changing your name presents a particular problem when you are trying to establish an academic publication record.
zengirl Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I might be a little disappointed but it would by no means be a dealbreaker. There can be plenty of compelling personal and professional reasons to not take your husband's last name. I am a scientist in academia and when in graduate school, it was rare for the married women in my PhD program to take their husbands' last names. Some of the women hyphenated, others simply kept their maiden name. Changing your name presents a particular problem when you are trying to establish an academic publication record. This is true. I'd been published prior to my marriage, but not much as I'm still in my PhD program. My current resume does have the names hyphenated, though my legal name is hubby's.
eleanorhurting Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 In the hispanic community women usually keep their last names I would really, really like to keep mine. I would find it hard to be with a man who expected me to change it.
setsenia Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Women: if/when you get married (if you have the desire to), do you have any intention of taking your husband's last name? Would you just as soon keep yours as long as he doesn't mind? Men: Would you not marry a woman who had no plans to take your last name? What are everyone's thoughts on this? Do you think it's old-fashioned now for a woman to change her name? I already have a thread for this going in the "Getting married" section.
setsenia Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 A woman was expected to change her last name to her husband's because just like pigs, cows and land, she was his property. She had nothing for herself. If I were to ever get married--and I am never getting married--I wouldn't change my last name. I am not anyone's property. To all those women who are traditionalists and say "Oh, it's a sign of commitment and love for my husband that I have decided to take his name, wah, wah, wah"--well, what about HIM? What does he have to do in order to prove his commitment? He doesn't have to change something that, more than likely, has had a significant role in defining him for his entire life. YES! Someone who shares my mentality! 100% with you, exactly why I never changed mine!
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