jason13 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Hello Everybody, new to the forum and looking for out side opinions. To make a long story short, In the past i have been given lots of reason not to trust my girlfriend of 2.5yrs. Recently I have again struggled with this. She insists on having several guy friends whom she regularily talks/texts back and forth with and on occasion even hangs out with them. It isnt so much her being friends with them but I am very uncomfortable with what I have seen them talk to her about. One in particular whom she sees on a weekly bases at a local western bar/club and texts daily....recently invited her over to his house after the bar closed (2am). After she said she was not that kind of girl he said "your single now NBD"..."I was talking about playing monopoly so take it how you want ;-)" She said she confronted him and he said it was a joke but Guys do not joke about this stuff. And I was concerned about his comment of her being single and how he could possibly think this. Another (whom she dated/slept with 6-7yrs ago) has regularily called her "babe" "love" "Doll" He recently said he hasnt been able to get her off his mind for the last 6 years, and regularily texts her that he misses her, wants to see her, spend time with her. I told her this kind of stuff is innapropriate and she denies any wrong doing saying they are just friends and that nothing is going to happen. Regardless I said it should not be going on and that "friends" dont talk like that. And no matter what I am still uncomfortable with how they talk to her. Am I out of line here? Am I just overly worried? I can provide much more info if needed. Im anxiously awaiting replies I really need advice on this.
Keke1 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Hello Everybody, new to the forum and looking for out side opinions. To make a long story short, In the past i have been given lots of reason not to trust my girlfriend of 2.5yrs. Recently I have again struggled with this. She insists on having several guy friends whom she regularily talks/texts back and forth with and on occasion even hangs out with them. It isnt so much her being friends with them but I am very uncomfortable with what I have seen them talk to her about. One in particular whom she sees on a weekly bases at a local western bar/club and texts daily....recently invited her over to his house after the bar closed (2am). After she said she was not that kind of girl he said "your single now NBD"..."I was talking about playing monopoly so take it how you want ;-)" She said she confronted him and he said it was a joke but Guys do not joke about this stuff. And I was concerned about his comment of her being single and how he could possibly think this. Another (whom she dated/slept with 6-7yrs ago) has regularily called her "babe" "love" "Doll" He recently said he hasnt been able to get her off his mind for the last 6 years, and regularily texts her that he misses her, wants to see her, spend time with her. I told her this kind of stuff is innapropriate and she denies any wrong doing saying they are just friends and that nothing is going to happen. Regardless I said it should not be going on and that "friends" dont talk like that. And no matter what I am still uncomfortable with how they talk to her. Am I out of line here? Am I just overly worried? I can provide much more info if needed. Im anxiously awaiting replies I really need advice on this. Man if it bothers you you should get out. It won't get any better. I have had this situation happen 2 me. Textn and deletn and if you aren't okay with it & she is its a problem.
KathyM Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I would suggest you tell her it's important to you that there not be people interfering with your relationship, and when people are exclusive with each other, that means they drop the former lovers and romantic interests from their lives. Tell her you'd really like your relationship to work, but sharing her with former lovers and bfs are not something you're willing to go along with. Then let her decide if you are more important to her than these former bfs and lovers. If she's not willing to let them go, then I suggest you let her go. She has boundary issues.
Author jason13 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 I have told her before how much her having any contact beyond casual "hey how are" bothers me. I have gone so far as to print out study after study and opionion after opionion from professional relationship therapists who all overwhelmingly state any interactions with past lovers is a time bomb waiting to go off and almost always ends horribly. But she always says it isnt a big deal.
drifter777 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I have told her before how much her having any contact beyond casual "hey how are" bothers me. I have gone so far as to print out study after study and opionion after opionion from professional relationship therapists who all overwhelmingly state any interactions with past lovers is a time bomb waiting to go off and almost always ends horribly. But she always says it isnt a big deal. I really think you are over-thinking this. Clearly, she loves hot-walking these guys and get's off on all the attention. Screwing on or more of them is just a shot away as she is probably willing to have sex just to keep the adoration/attention going. In addition, she is keeping all of these guys "warm" in case your relationship goes south. I think you know all of this in your heart and that's why it bothers you so much. Look, she is an insecure woman who needs the sexual tension and attention of men in order to validate herself and stroke her ego. This is not going to get better so either accept that she's going to remain a prick-teaser and may even do the deed with one of more of her gang of admirers or give her the ultimatum - no more of this kind of contact with other men or it's over. The other thing that makes breaking it off with her a no-brainer is that you are not married and have no children together so there's no reason to continue a painful relationship. The world is full of girls - go find a new one.
fltc Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I agree you should find someone else, if you can't trust her you have no basis for a relationship.
Author jason13 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 I was thinking she wasnt aware of it either. I think she just doesnt see what it looks like especially from the outside looking in. And I could only imagine the impression those guys must get because she allows it to go on. I dont think I am making an unreasonable request either, I honestly dont care if she has "guy friends" but I do care how they interact and how they talk to her. And I do care if they have a history together.
Keke1 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I would suggest you tell her it's important to you that there not be people interfering with your relationship, and when people are exclusive with each other, that means they drop the former lovers and romantic interests from their lives. Tell her you'd really like your relationship to work, but sharing her with former lovers and bfs are not something you're willing to go along with. Then let her decide if you are more important to her than these former bfs and lovers. If she's not willing to let them go, then I suggest you let her go. She has boundary issues. I agree with this. Be firm & be ready for a negative response to.
Author jason13 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 I agree with this. Be firm & be ready for a negative response to. I have talked to her about this in the past and it always had a negative response, then she eventually would realize that what she was doing was hurtful and wrong but she would never admit to it from the start
veggirl Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I was thinking she wasnt aware of it either. I think she just doesnt see what it looks like especially from the outside looking in. And I could only imagine the impression those guys must get because she allows it to go on. Is your girlfriend stupid? You must not think much of her intelligence if you really think she isn't "aware of it" and "doesn't see what it looks like"------really dude...she doesn't see why her BF is pissed that other guys THINK SHE IS SINGLE, and call her LOVE, BABE, DOLL? Really? It doesn't take much of an IQ to realize what she is doing is inappropriate. Really. She knows it is shady as fk, she just doesn't care. Are you okay with her essentially choosing the attention of these guys over your relationship? Cause that is what she is doing. If you're cool with being 3rd, 4th, 5th fiddle then by all means carry on. Otherwise drop this attention whore. 2
Author jason13 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 In all of your opinions....would you say any terms of endearment (babe, doll, sweetheart, lovebug, etc...) are innapropriate to exchange between somebody of the opposite sex when in a committed relationship?
Author jason13 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 in fact I like that question so much I will start a new thread specifically to answer it...I am very curious.....
Keke1 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 In all of your opinions....would you say any terms of endearment (babe, doll, sweetheart, lovebug, etc...) are innapropriate to exchange between somebody of the opposite sex when in a committed relationship? No its not. Specifically behind your back. I was suggesting that you give her an ultimatum & be firm with that. Then expect that she would choose them but hope she chooses you. Clearly its bothering you & you arent being unreasonable but she has to understand why. If she doesnt its a lost cause.
Author jason13 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 I agree, thank you for your response keke
Keke1 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I agree, thank you for your response keke No problem man im in a situation where im close 2 saying fk it im gone. Drama that is unnecessary kills relationships. This is similar kinda 2 what im going through. She gave me reasons not 2 trust & it kills me it wasnt like it was before.
Meg717 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I went through the exact same thing! I was not backing down on how I felt about it (uncomfortable) and he wasn't backing down on how he felt (being told who he can be friends with & their topic of conversations). We broke up in Feb but he moved out in March making it official (he broke up with me). I think it's a major sign of immaturity, do yourself a favor and move on. I know its hard to hear and do, trust me. Like everyone says to me, if it's meant to be, it will be. Work on yourself and let her figure out what she wants. Then if you're meant to be and it ends up working out, you'll both be in a better position to be in a relationship.
Keke1 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I went through the exact same thing! I was not backing down on how I felt about it (uncomfortable) and he wasn't backing down on how he felt (being told who he can be friends with & their topic of conversations). We broke up in Feb but he moved out in March making it official (he broke up with me). I think it's a major sign of immaturity, do yourself a favor and move on. I know its hard to hear and do, trust me. Like everyone says to me, if it's meant to be, it will be. Work on yourself and let her figure out what she wants. Then if you're meant to be and it ends up working out, you'll both be in a better position to be in a relationship. I just ended my bad relationship & right now I feel okay. Im starting in the gym 2mor & I plan on having fun all by myself for the time being.
RiverRunning Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 She knows well what she's doing. Why? I had a similar situation. Had an internship, and my mentor/co-worker (I eventually was hired) started off innocently enough. He thought that we had so much in common...and to be honest he was a very good reader of people. Excellent sense of humor. I was never interested in him in that way - mind you, I was 21 and he was 34 - but it caused a lot of problems for my ex-boyfriend and me. My mentor's girlfriend died suddenly during the summer of the internship. I gave him a sympathy card, we got to talking more. Eventually, he only wanted to call or text me to flirt with me and ask if I was "single yet." He did many of the same things that your girlfriend's experiencing. My self esteem was so low that I refused to see it - I guess I was afraid of flattering myself - but it eventually dawned on me that a guy would not press so hard and for so long unless he was interested. And even after I realized, I was so neglected in my relationship that I tried to hold onto my mentor's friendship. I liked how he made me feel. I felt desirable and wanted. Eventually, I realized how wrong I was and stopped contacting my mentor. More than a year later, he still calls every now and then, but I never listen to his messages and delete them automatically. Your girlfriend needs to do the same, especially with the men with whom she's had a history. I can bet you any money she wouldn't like it if you were in a similar situation (for the record, my ex at the time was hung up on his ex. The moment my mentor was hung up on ME, my ex was dropping his ex like HOTCAKES. Giving someone a taste of their own medicine can work sometimes - and if not and she drops YOU like you're hot, she's just saved you a lot of misery!).
Miad's Princess Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 She is dis-missing your feelings and this is not good. Seems she cares more about continuing this so called friendship than what she does about your relationship. Make it clear she can't have both and then stick to it. Good luck !
chucksagent Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Dude, no lie, a good friend of mine is going through the SAME thing right now. And a 3rd friend, who is a VERY good friend of ours said "Guys, she's claiming she is oblivious??? If you REALLY think she's that oblivious, than YOU GUYS are oblivious. Impossible to be that naive and gullible." In other words, your girl (and my other buddy's girl) just like the attention and are willing to disrespect you and my best friend to keep it. My best friend treats his girl sooooooo good too. But you know how many women out there love attention. Short skirts but then get mad when men stare..Lol. They even love the NEGATIVE attention! As long as they are getting attention they are happy. Do your current self and future self a favor and be BLUNT with her; if she can't change or refuses to change, I would bid her a good day and look forward to finding a girl who respects you.
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