Author mostlyclueless Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 bac, my partner is very supportive of me dating other guys. Link to post Share on other sites
John Bigboote Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 I think that wanting serious dating to be an "us" thing is perfectly reasonable. The thing about poly is that there are as many ways to do it as there are poly people. See if you can work out a way that works for everyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
irin Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 how old are you? what ever you do dont have kids any time soon, you seem to be on a very messy and confusing place! Link to post Share on other sites
Chubbi Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Hey, I'm 22 years old, so I'm not being condescending but... It seems to me you went on a temper tantrum. "No, no, I want! I want!" I mean, not eating, losing weight and crying because your bf did something you both agreed to do?? Very silly. And then he let her go. That made you feel better because it validated your sense of self and power over him. Are you going to do that every time he gets a new girlfriend? How about this? Maybe you shouldn't even be in a relationship. Forget about what is monogamy, what is polyamoury and come over to the single side. I have been single my entire 22 years. Maybe that's what you need right now because you are wilding out. You have screwed over a lot of people with cheating, breaking up, try figuring out what you want by yourself for awhile. I think you are probably trying to be "cool" and "different" with the polyamoury mess, and when you play with fire, you got burned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mostlyclueless Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 So John, you don't think it's hopeless? It is really reassuring to hear from people who are doing it successfully -- so often, my brain resorts to, "hopeless and impossible, never going to work." Link to post Share on other sites
John Bigboote Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Hopeless and impossible? Because of one little freakout? I don't think so. It would be a mistake to think that poly people never get jealous or upset, and are tightly in control of all emotion always. Poly people are, well, people. With all the frailties and failings of their kind. What's important is that you ask yourself the core reason for the freakout and together with the BF address that issue somehow before you try again. I am concerned about your BF's deceptive behavior, and at my old age not generally too tolerant of anything less than complete openness and respect, but that's something you need to decide on your own. You might also consider heading over to the forums at polyamory.com where you'll get a wider variety of viewpoints from keener relationship geniuses than I, and you won't have to worry about people telling you you're not allowed to reproduce. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Here's what has to happen for this to work. You guys have to set VERY CLEAR boundaries and rules about outside relationships. And you have to both be willing to live within those boundaries. If it isn't possible to set boundaries that keep both of you feeling secure, but also make you both feel like you are happy, this won't work. I would not even CONSIDER having children with him at this point. It's too rocky and you both need time to find out if you can have what you want with each other before bringing other humans into it. If you think you were crying and hysterical before, imagine being at home 8 months pregnant, huge, and hormonal while he is out screwing someone else. Or sleep-deprived in the middle of the night caring for a vomiting 2-year old while he is out screwing someone else. Or rushing out the door to take your children to their activities while he is out screwing someone else. Trust me - children will add a LOT of stress to an already shaky situation. Use birth control pills and two condoms to make sure that it doesn't happen! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 bac, my partner is very supportive of me dating other guys. But he's not allowed to do the same. Is that it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mostlyclueless Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 pteromom, thanks for the advice. I am not really worried about those situations happening; if I gave him a firm rule I have no doubt he would adhere to it. The issue is just that I worry that he wants a level of autonomy with respect to dating that I may not be able to match or tolerate. We are pretty good about birth control, but for a variety of reasons (some of them obvious) there are time limits in place there too. If we are not going to start a family together, it is best that we part ways sooner rather than later. Link to post Share on other sites
bac Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 So John, you don't think it's hopeless? It is really reassuring to hear from people who are doing it successfully -- so often, my brain resorts to, "hopeless and impossible, never going to work." No, it is not too reassuring because he is a male. It is normal to enjoy sex with multiple women for males and it is what they are looking for. Women cannot do that unless they are very different than all other females. To do that you have to overcome your female's nature completely like there no estrogens in your body. You should have either a very high self-esteem to believe that you are the best woman ever or you should be irrational (a bipolar, a borderliners, on drugs or something like that) with libido which is as high as an average male has. It is hard to get that level of libido for a female unless your have some medical conditions when your adrenals and the ovaries produce high levels of androgens. Your BF (like any male) wants to have sex with as many women as he can because he has the testis which produce testosterone. The testosterone defines his high male's libido and controls his brains and behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mostlyclueless Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 bac, if what you are saying were true, then women would never cheat, and the only purpose of relationships would be to procure sex. Link to post Share on other sites
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