Author mostlyclueless Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 For some people, romantic relationships are between more than 2 people, the same way that you can have many friends. Many people find this more stable and fulfilling than having only 2 people in a partnership.
chrissylee Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 For some people, romantic relationships are between more than 2 people, the same way that you can have many friends. Many people find this more stable and fulfilling than having only 2 people in a partnership. It is in no way more stable to sleep with and be with alot of people. I could see though how people could see it as more fulfilling to sleep with as many people as possible while in a noncommited relationship.
SushiX Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 I've become polygamous after my first love. Monogamy is no longer for me. I prefer dating multiple people at the same time. This way I'll never be hurt again. One of them can dump me and I'll have someone else.
oldguy Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 (edited) They don't tend to work at all but when they do it's almost always when one of a particular gender is openly involved with several of the other as in one man with multiple wives. In the "great social experiment" called the '60's it never worked well long term. As I posted earlier in another thread. "We just don't share well" & the whole thing simply becomes more of a diverse or extended courtship that eventually pears off or concludes. Sorry, jealousy will nearly always prevail, especially if it's two men involved with one woman because it's particularly men who don't share well & women who eventually begin to favor one over the other. Edited March 24, 2012 by oldguy
Jane2011 Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 I dunno. I've met some people who were able to pull it off. But not for long. It was something they kind of moved in and out of. It wasn't a constant thing. That is kind of where my skepticism about polyamory lies. While I've heard the very rare story of a group of 4 or 5 people staying together for years and years, most of the stories I have read about (and I have read quite a few) in which people say it works for them, also say they have a main relationship and the side partners go in and out of their lives. Or that the main couple does polyamory "off and on." I can see how that "works" in the sense that they like it and are happy. But I don't see that as "working" when it's not permanent. To me, that's more like, you (the main couple) are a couple, each of whom dates people on the side (who you do take seriously and have serious feelings for, but only for a time period). Did it really "work" if you didn't stay together?
zengirl Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Your story is interesting, Jane. FWIW, most of what I know about polyamory comes from an article and ex wrote when we were together (he's a writer) about polyamory. He interviewed several groups of people who had stayed together long-term (by which I mean decades) so it does happen. Oldguy is probably right that one man + multiple women is the most tried and true, though I'm not sure if one woman + multiple men has ever been proven to work longterm. None of these groupings were that, though. They were the less Mormon version of polyamory and more old hippie version. It sounds dangerous to me. I like my more vanilla monogamy. However, I don't think there's anything wrong with whatever system people want to utilize for themselves. It's funny because my issue isn't even "jealousy" -- I'm not a particularly jealous person -- so much as intimacy. I think it sounds exhausting to build long-term intimacy up with a community of people. It's hard enough to keep building intimacy with ONE person for a lifetime! And what surprised me was those poly amorous relationships he wrote about HAD INTIMACY. I think the idea many people have is that poly people use it as a way to avoid intimacy (and surely some do, but plenty of people avoid intimacy in monogamy too), but I think others also use it to have more intimacy. It's interesting. I think a poly lifestyle, like any other, can be either a phase or long-term. I wonder if we'll see less of it long-term in the younger generations because you can have friends across gender and develop a lower level of intimacy with your friends, male or female, without as much jealousy and social strife these days (still some, I'm sure, but it's getting better) and that eliminates the need for multiple partners in many who truly seek intimacy. I'm not sure. For the couples in the article, it really wasn't as much about sex as many would think, and Jane's story highlights that in today's generation too. It's interesting.
Jane2011 Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 (edited) Your story is interesting, Jane. FWIW, most of what I know about polyamory comes from an article and ex wrote when we were together (he's a writer) about polyamory. He interviewed several groups of people who had stayed together long-term (by which I mean decades) so it does happen. Oldguy is probably right that one man + multiple women is the most tried and true, though I'm not sure if one woman + multiple men has ever been proven to work longterm. None of these groupings were that, though. They were the less Mormon version of polyamory and more old hippie version. It sounds dangerous to me. I like my more vanilla monogamy. However, I don't think there's anything wrong with whatever system people want to utilize for themselves. It's funny because my issue isn't even "jealousy" -- I'm not a particularly jealous person -- so much as intimacy. I think it sounds exhausting to build long-term intimacy up with a community of people. It's hard enough to keep building intimacy with ONE person for a lifetime! And what surprised me was those poly amorous relationships he wrote about HAD INTIMACY. I think the idea many people have is that poly people use it as a way to avoid intimacy (and surely some do, but plenty of people avoid intimacy in monogamy too), but I think others also use it to have more intimacy. It's interesting. I think a poly lifestyle, like any other, can be either a phase or long-term. I wonder if we'll see less of it long-term in the younger generations because you can have friends across gender and develop a lower level of intimacy with your friends, male or female, without as much jealousy and social strife these days (still some, I'm sure, but it's getting better) and that eliminates the need for multiple partners in many who truly seek intimacy. I'm not sure. For the couples in the article, it really wasn't as much about sex as many would think, and Jane's story highlights that in today's generation too. It's interesting. I've read articles, too, about people living polyamorous lifestyles and being very happy with it. You're right, many people who do it very much embrace intimacy and caring. Certainly the guy I was with was that sort. That's why, even though I got out of my situation, I am semi-on-the-fence about the whole thing. I abhor 'swinging', but deep and caring relationships? Harder to be against. Sometimes I wonder if I couldn't have eventually been happy if I gave it more of a shot. I feel this way because I'm finding myself increasingly progressive-minded about relationships. So part of me thinks polyamory is something someone like me totally should be down with. I might even want to be down with it. In many ways, ideologically, I am. But somehow my heart is still old school. As far as jealousy, I do think I have a jealous streak. (I've been jealous of many women). But in the situation I was in, I actually wasn't that jealous of her in particular. I'd known her already and had never been jealous of her when I knew her just as a classmate/casual friend. She's attractive in lots of ways, just somehow not the type I'm particularly jealous of. Even when I was with him, I didn't feel jealous of her in a "is she better than me?" way. It was more like I just coveted him a lot and didn't like the idea that all the sweetness and intimacy he had toward me, he had toward someone else, too. Even if she'd been far less attractive than she was, and no real 'rival' for me in any way in terms characteristics/looks/general self, I still probably would have been 'jealous' - or 'coveting' of him. Maybe there's a fine line between those things, but that's basically how it was for me. Definitely was an interesting experience. Edited March 24, 2012 by Jane2011
Black Jack Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Black Jack, for some people, the problem with cheating is deception. If the deception is gone, intimacy with other people is no longer problematic. Just because everyone knows about it, doesn't mean it's not problematic. STDs are still a risk plus you don't know how many people they're screwing on impulse.
Author mostlyclueless Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Black Jack, I don't see how having multiple partners during one time period is any riskier than serial monogamy. In either case, protection should be used. You said "you don't know how many people they're screwing." That is not polyamory. That is cheating. They are two different concepts. Disclosure/honesty is a definitive, necessary component of polyamory.
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