Author mostlyclueless Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 Well, maybe I will try to write out a new question explaining everything. To be honest I don't want to give poly a bad name, so I am reluctant to talk about it with anyone. I am new to this board and wasn't sure how aggressive or conservative people tend to be here.
Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Well, maybe I will try to write out a new question explaining everything. To be honest I don't want to give poly a bad name, so I am reluctant to talk about it with anyone. I am new to this board and wasn't sure how aggressive or conservative people tend to be here. Well, if you decide not to talk about it here (I think you can, though), you're welcome to email me about it. I would like to hear about your situation. I'm not hostile to polyamory. I still very much miss the guy I was seeing. I just felt hurt by it.
Anela Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Did you say anything to him about it or were you just secretly disgusted? I told him. At first, when he just told me that he would be chasing me if he were single, I felt flattered for all of five minutes, before I thought, "this isn't right." He was telling me how amazing I am, and other things indicating strong feelings, and what got me was that he was upset that he hadn't received a response for a week (he messaged me on FB, and I hadn't seen it). I flipped when I saw something from his girlfriend the next day, that had me worried that she thought something was up. It turned out I was wrong, but I'd already blurted that nothing was going on with him. Just before Valentine's Day, he really upset me. I've been antagonistic anyhow, and the things he kept coming out with, were just leaving me more incensed. I asked him to stop, and he just acted like a brat, came out with yet another argument that I would expect from some of the guys on this forum, and I finally let loose on him. he was then rude to me, and I've ignored anything from him ever since. I'm not disgusted by polyamorous people in general. It's more that he triggered that disgust with his behaviour, and his trying to justify everything. He apologized - surprisingly - but I just can't talk to him right now.
FitChick Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Polyamorous people often make the children argument about their choice of relationship style, i.e. "You don't love one of your children more than you love another..." Plenty of parents love one of their kids more than the other(s). Some admit it and some don't. Since people are not exactly the same, even twins, you cannot love them the same. 1
Anela Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 mostlyclueless, I'm looking at links right now, on the old website of my acquaintance. I'll post them here, if that's okay with the people who run this site. It might help you to find more people to talk with.
Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Plenty of parents love one of their kids more than the other(s). Some admit it and some don't. Since people are not exactly the same, even twins, you cannot love them the same. On a different note, I have three siblings and love one of them a lot more than the other two. I know that's not the same as parent-child love, but presumably you should love your siblings pretty equally, too. I love my oldest sis!
Anela Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 freaksexual Polyamory Weekly Practical Polyamory Carol Queen’s Blog The Sex Party | Politics for a Sex Positive Future Sex Positive Blog on Human Sexuality - The Beautiful Kind http://theovereducatednympho.com/ Sex Geek
Yare Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I got recently involved with a man in an open relationship...and I am soooo confused...I never thought I would be in this situation, but I am..and I have so many questions..Why would a couple who claim to love each other agree to share themselves with other people? I have no idea where I'm heading tonwith this guy who I like a lot...he told me he was in a open relationship, where he and his girlfriend explore relationships outside their own...is that the same as polymorous? I know I have to ask him, but I dont know how to bring it up or even if I should..we like each other a lot and yes we have been intimate..safely of course
Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I got recently involved with a man in an open relationship...and I am soooo confused...I never thought I would be in this situation, but I am..and I have so many questions..Why would a couple who claim to love each other agree to share themselves with other people? I have no idea where I'm heading tonwith this guy who I like a lot...he told me he was in a open relationship, where he and his girlfriend explore relationships outside their own...is that the same as polymorous? I know I have to ask him, but I dont know how to bring it up or even if I should..we like each other a lot and yes we have been intimate..safely of course Yes, that is polyamory. Meaningful relationships with more than one person. I was with a guy who I absolutely adore. I was also intimate with him (safely, too). It was so wonderful. I just couldn't deal with the other woman. She and I were actually semi-friends; we'd been classmates for a while. I wondered, too, how they could claim to love each other if he was courting me and making awesome sweet love to me. According to him (and her), she was "biologically" polyamorous. I don't know if I believe people are biologically polyamorous, though. I think it's something people just decide to do. I have to ask: how old are the guy and girl you are talking about? The woman in my situation was 26 years old and she lost her virginity to him (the guy) when she was 25. When I told my friends about the situation, most of them said that she's not truly polyamorous, she's just not ready to settle down with the first guy she's had sex with. I don't know, though... Feel free to talk on here. You can talk to the more expert and experienced people in the links above, too. But don't feel you can't talk about it here as well. 1
Yare Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 yes I do not get it..me and this man get along great! he is like a breath of fresh air when Im with him...He is 30 I have no idea how old she is.. I don't know her at all...Im just scared to catch strong feelings for this man...and Im also wondering if there are other girls besides me and if he would be truthful and tell me. I swear i have never been or thought I would be involved with a man in a relationship with someone else.. and here I am ..funny I do not feel guilty about it but it all depends on so many things.. I still dont know..because if there are other women involved in his life then I am not that special I guess..and we all want to feel special to that person we are with....confused! Please excuse my typos
Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I got recently involved with a man in an open relationship...and I am soooo confused...I never thought I would be in this situation, but I am..and I have so many questions..Why would a couple who claim to love each other agree to share themselves with other people? I have no idea where I'm heading tonwith this guy who I like a lot...he told me he was in a open relationship, where he and his girlfriend explore relationships outside their own...is that the same as polymorous? I know I have to ask him, but I dont know how to bring it up or even if I should..we like each other a lot and yes we have been intimate..safely of course And yes, you should bring it up to him. It can get messy unless you talk about the parameters. Like, is it going to be a "don't ask, don't tell" thing? Or will you and him and her hang out together? Will it be okay for him to mention her when with you?
Yare Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I do not want to meet this woman...so far is been just me and him...and very rarely I bring her up...I dont ask. i do not want to expose my whole situation here. We have been seen each other for several months ..yikes! This is a new experience for me..I wonder what Im gonna learn from it..I do not know how to follow ..I will figure it out, I guess.Is a test to fight my feelings I guess kinda of hurts a little..
Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 yes I do not get it..me and this man get along great! he is like a breath of fresh air when Im with him...He is 30 I have no idea how old she is.. I don't know her at all...Im just scared to catch strong feelings for this man...and Im also wondering if there are other girls besides me and if he would be truthful and tell me. I swear i have never been or thought I would be involved with a man in a relationship with someone else.. and here I am ..funny I do not feel guilty about it but it all depends on so many things.. I still dont know..because if there are other women involved in his life then I am not that special I guess..and we all want to feel special to that person we are with....confused! Please excuse my typos I understand how it's easy to go along with it in the beginning if you never see the other woman. It's almost as if you can forget she exists. That's how it was with me. I thought about her (because I actually knew her), but because I never saw her or talked to her, it was like I was in my own world with him. But reality hit eventually. I saw stuff of hers at his place (to be fair, my things were at his place, too). And soon we had tensions because there were different ideas of how much 'relationship crossover' there was to exist. I wanted to keep things pretty private, but they (mostly she) wanted more of a communal love thing. Be careful with this situation. It sounds to me like you're already smitten and that you're already thinking those dreadful "I'm not special" thoughts. I don't want to say it can't work for you (trying not to be judgmental of polyamory). Just be careful with your emotions and be sure to have a conversation about what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with. It might, for whatever reason, be better to get together with her and him. I hear that polyamorous relationships work only if the people in question actually live together (or otherwise have a communal situation -- hang out together). If there's too much 'privacy', they say, there's risk of two people pairing off together and leaving the third hanging out to dry.
hotloader Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I'm not polyamorous, but I was almost lured into a polyamorous situation recently. In October of last year, I met this guy on OkCupid who I talked lightly over email with for two and a half weeks with semi-interest (mostly no interest, just talked to him out of politeness and thinking he was 'pretty alright'). Just before we were slated to go on our first date, I found out that he was not fully single but actually in an open relationship with a girl I coincidentally knew from when I was in grad school (very recently). They'd been together for almost two years and just decided in the three months before I met him to try polyamory. Not a 'swinging' type open relationship, not a 'sexual freedom' open relationship with each of them being each other's main relationship, but actual polyamory where each of them is allowed to have another meaningful, loving, emotional relationship aside from that which they had with each other. Anyway, I went on the date because he talked me into it. I thought I'd be open-minded about it. Plus, I thought I might be polyamory-friendly. And upon meeting him, I ended up liking him a lot and even starting a relationship with him. But...to speed things along, as the weeks wore on (six weeks total), I could not deal with knowing he had another woman other than me. He treated me well and really wanted a second relationship, but I just couldn't deal with it. OP, why do you ask? (I'm fascinated with polyamory now). I wonder if people think polyamorous relationships really are meaningful. Polyamorous people often make the children argument about their choice of relationship style, i.e. "You don't love one of your children more than you love another, so why is it not possible or acceptable to love two romantic partners deeply as well?" My answer to this is: "Because I'm jealous, that's why..." Jesus effin' Christ. 1
Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 (edited) I do not want to meet this woman...so far is been just me and him...and very rarely I bring her up...I dont ask. i do not want to expose my whole situation here. We have been seen each other for several months ..yikes! This is a new experience for me..I wonder what Im gonna learn from it..I do not know how to follow ..I will figure it out, I guess.Is a test to fight my feelings I guess kinda of hurts a little.. I probably wouldn't have wanted to meet 'the other woman' either, except that I already knew her. She and I went to school together and had hung out distantly through mutual friends a couple times before, but we ourselves weren't friends. When we were seeing the same guy, though, I went out for coffee with her (without him) one time. She looked like she was about to cry because I was seeing her boyfriend. Even self-proclaimed polyamorous people experience a lot of jealousy. She was civil to me, she just looked like she was going to cry. I have a friend who is a Sociologist professor who believes polyamory works best when it's 'don't ask, don't tell', but a lot of people think just the opposite -- that you have to live like one big happy accepting polyamorous family in order for it to work. Does your boyfriend WANT you to meet the girlfriend? Edited March 22, 2012 by Jane2011
Yare Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 no he doesnt even bring her up lol! Thats why I feel uneasy about bringing her up...You know if he sees me ( I cant believe im about to say this) but if he sees me as a secondary relationship im cool with it...maybe I dont want to be in a committed partnership..but I do not want to be just a **** here and there..The problem is that I do not know..there are days I dont hear from him..he always contact me first though when he wants to see me...ugh You know what Im just gonna have fun with him cause he makes me smile and have fun while it last...lol
Yare Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 if there are more women involved I know Im not gonna feel the same and most probably cease seeing him..Im scared to ask..he is a very good looking guy so being that he is open, he can just be with whoever he likes...there are times where he has cancel dates and reschedule with me and I dont know of it is because of his girl or someone else..
Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 no he doesnt even bring her up lol! Thats why I feel uneasy about bringing her up...You know if he sees me ( I cant believe im about to say this) but if he sees me as a secondary relationship im cool with it...maybe I dont want to be in a committed partnership..but I do not want to be just a **** here and there..The problem is that I do not know..there are days I dont hear from him..he always contact me first though when he wants to see me...ugh You know what Im just gonna have fun with him cause he makes me smile and have fun while it last...lol Do y'all spend quality time together? Eat out together? Go to events? Take road trips? Go out and public and walk around holding hands? Please be careful! Protect yourself and don't play second fiddle if that's not really what you want.
Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 if there are more women involved I know Im not gonna feel the same and most probably cease seeing him..Im scared to ask..he is a very good looking guy so being that he is open, he can just be with whoever he likes...there are times where he has cancel dates and reschedule with me and I dont know of it is because of his girl or someone else.. In my situation, it was just me, him, and her, and I know people would say "that you're aware of," but I pretty much knew. Technically, she and I were allowed to have another partner as well, but I don't just find a man I'm interested in at the drop of a hat. And she was not indiscriminate either, so she had no other guy either. Just me, her, and him. He was available to me *a lot*. In fact, I was surprised at how available to me he was. I sometimes even wondered if he was prioritizing me (I was the new exciting person while she was the old ball and chain), but I'm pretty sure he did still spend time with her. I just happened to get him pretty much any time I wanted him. There was *one* time when he re-scheduled on me, and I spoke up. I said outright, "It's not because you have plans with ___, is it?" He insisted it wasn't. (He is a grad student and believably had a lot of school work, and that was his reason given). Whatever, though. I didn't like the idea of having a guy's time only when he's not with his other girlfriend. And I felt this way *despite* him being available to me and offering himself up to me plenty. I'm demanding, though. You might be in a place where you're comfortable with your situation. If you don't think you'll get hurt, I don't want to tell you what to do. 1
Yare Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Yes when we see each other ther is always something to do.. We go out dancing, eating, movies, etc..this is pretty new so lets see where it goes...but so far is been gaps without communication..but when we do meet he always takes me somewhere I like
Yare Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 if you don't mind me asking..how did you guys end..And if you ended things with him, how did he take it?
Author mostlyclueless Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 Jane2011, I posted a new question about my situation if you want to read and reply there.
Jane2011 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 (edited) if you don't mind me asking..how did you guys end..And if you ended things with him, how did he take it? One fateful night in December, I was at his place and we were just hanging out. It was close to Christmas, and she had just flown out that afternoon to see her dad for the week. So while I was hanging with him, he apparently got a text from her that said "Landed safely!" (her flight). He might have also gotten a call from her (I'm not sure; he said he did). At any rate, moments later, he said to me, "Would you be okay with me calling Amelia? [that's my code name for her, even in my personal journal] I just want to acknowledge that I got her message..." This was harmless enough, but for whatever reason, it set me off and we ended up having a bit of a tiff about what I wanted and how i wanted things to be. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was more down for a "don't ask, don't tell" thing. Not completely; I mean, I knew her and wouldn't mind a mention or two of her name here and there. But I didn't want her presence and existence in my face all the time. And apparently she wanted more presence. Twice she asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and her. Anyway, in the midst of differing on what a good way to conduct the relationship was, I said rather adamantly, "You should also know that I'm not in this permanently. I'm having fun for now, but I'm not in this for the long haul." He was upset about that. He thought I was going to be his long-term polyamorous girlfriend along with his other long-term polyamorous girlfriend. And I really thought I could be. And I adored him. I still do. I think about him every day and want him. But I just couldn't do it. Anyway, he was disappointed. I also argued with him and told him that polyamorous relationships weren't as meaningful as monogamous, exclusive ones. So we had this argument about relationship ideology. We were kind of snappish about it. But he himself is only experimenting with polyamory; it's his girlfriend from whom it originated. But he says he's down with it because he's always had a hard time deciding that any given woman was "the one" for him. He said any time he was with a woman in the past, even if he liked her a lot, he questioned: "Is she right for me?" And I was thinking...that's not exclusive to you. Everyone questions if people are right for them. You just have to take the plunge sometimes. But anyway, we sort of made up, but still, a couple days later we decided to end it. We talked on the phone and he said, "We could find a happy medium between what you want and what Amelia wants [that is, mostly private relationship vs. communal love], that would make it satisfying to everybody, but you said you're not in it for the long haul." And I said, "No, absolutely not. It's just not my idea of a satisfying relationship." And he said, "I understand. She is very tense about the situation, though. She wants more involvement." So basically I just said "Well I'm very comfortable ending it. Let's just do that." I was kind of a bitch. Maybe not in words, but in tone. I was just very matter of fact, like "Okay, I'll see you around." I was annoyed. Anyway, we ended it. Edited March 22, 2012 by Jane2011
Leigh 87 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I'm not polyamorous, but I was almost lured into a polyamorous situation recently. In October of last year, I met this guy on OkCupid who I talked lightly over email with for two and a half weeks with semi-interest (mostly no interest, just talked to him out of politeness and thinking he was 'pretty alright'). Just before we were slated to go on our first date, I found out that he was not fully single but actually in an open relationship with a girl I coincidentally knew from when I was in grad school (very recently). They'd been together for almost two years and just decided in the three months before I met him to try polyamory. Not a 'swinging' type open relationship, not a 'sexual freedom' open relationship with each of them being each other's main relationship, but actual polyamory where each of them is allowed to have another meaningful, loving, emotional relationship aside from that which they had with each other. Anyway, I went on the date because he talked me into it. I thought I'd be open-minded about it. Plus, I thought I might be polyamory-friendly. And upon meeting him, I ended up liking him a lot and even starting a relationship with him. But...to speed things along, as the weeks wore on (six weeks total), I could not deal with knowing he had another woman other than me. He treated me well and really wanted a second relationship, but I just couldn't deal with it. OP, why do you ask? (I'm fascinated with polyamory now). I wonder if people think polyamorous relationships really are meaningful. Polyamorous people often make the children argument about their choice of relationship style, i.e. "You don't love one of your children more than you love another, so why is it not possible or acceptable to love two romantic partners deeply as well?" My answer to this is: "Because I'm jealous, that's why..." Wow, really? I think it would be very different if you already HAD a meaningful relationship with a man, who told you he wanted to fall in love with another women. You would not be okay with that. It was easy for you to accept the situation from where YOU were standing, but imagine if a guy YOU love wanted to love another women? Easy for you to step in and BE the other women, but in principal, once you deaply love a man, you would NOT share him. Do you see where I am coming from? You were not in love to begin with with this man, so the idea seamed logical enough in theory; but u had not yet fallen in love with the guy. Imagine you were fully in love with a guy, who wanted to love another women! I have considered an open relationship, but we both decided against it, strongly. I myself, and open to alternative relationship styles.
Dust Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I have considered an open relationship, but we both decided against it, strongly. I myself, and open to alternative relationship styles. Could you expand on this please.
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