Marriage going south.

[elfman]

Hello, I joined the boards today because I have been miserable for the last couple of weeks and really do not feel like venting my emotions onto friends at the moment. Just a little background information:

 

My wife and I are both 34, we got married 10 years ago (young perhaps), after 6 years "going steady", we have 2 children, a boy of 7 and a girl of 4. We've lived in a house that, over the last 10 years, I have been paying on to make it our own, (still owe money on it, and loans where I am from are not long term like in the US).

 

When we got married, my family's financial situation allowed certain benefits to us, even though I did have a job, an office and income, perhaps we lived a little over that income and it was not a problem, since we did not get indebted because of it, but that situation changed over the years, (along with the country's situation). I mention this because one of the main reasons that my family's situation started to get worse was because my father developed a mental illness that really hit his finances because of poor choices, and I devoted myself to helping him full time so as to save what little I could of his assets. This put a strain on my marriage because, basically, I became a shield for my father, redirecting all responsibility for debts, calls, etc to myself (not legally, but I was the "go-to" guy, meaning I never placed my wife or kids in an insecure position financially, nor did I take up any debts because of this "work" I did for my dad).

 

About 5 years ago my wife and I started to really fend for ourselves. At first only I worked, but when she decided she wanted to pursue a Designer business, I supported her totally and she started her own fashion design firm, (with what I considered to be "our" money), and she has achieved some measure of financial freedom, (at least to have her own money to do stuff, but not in any sense to go out on her own having to buy a house, etc.).

 

As soon as her business started, and given my experience, I devoted more and more of my time to helping her with it, and TBH watching it grow gave me a certain sense of pride and accomplishment, since it was a "family business". I never took a dime for salaries or any other jobs I did for her, and pretty soon I was handling sales, marketing, public relations, websites, business opportunities, etc. In essence I became her partner in the business, as I was already, "supposedly", her partner in life.

 

A couple of years ago my dad's condition worsened, and he passed away in just 4 months from complications regarding his condition. It was during this time that my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. We had been fighting more and more, (even though I had somehow lowered the negligence on my part toward her since the stress level got a little lower, so we started hanging out more, and going out more). I was devastated by my dad's death, since I didn't have the time to "celebrate" with him the end of his troubles, when I was successful in paying all debts and salvaging a good deal of money for my mother to live on, my mom and dad were married for 42 years, and my mom is still miserable by his passing... they loved each other in the good and the bad, that's the example I have, and the one I wanted to live by.

 

Our problems were basically these: During the time that I was handling my father's debts and problems, (Over $9.000.000,00 in debt, with no income and only assets to liquidate to face up to the debts), I became increasingly stressed, and I took to playing a lot of video games during that time. I would get home and be totally negligent to my wife, she would be alone most of the time, and I would just click away till the wee hours of the morning. This, of course, deteriorated our relationship. It was wrong of me to think that, because I was not venting in other ways (bars, friends, affairs, etc), it would be less damaging. I accept this today as the beginning of our problems. Also, my performance took a hit in general, and I started sleeping late more, perhaps trying to dream away those $9mm... She hated this, she absolutely hated that I slept more than usual, as she said it was unproductive, and was a bad example for my kids... which I totally agree it was, but it was a phase, a time when I was depressed, and it has passed.

 

I have never been too much of a party-guy, preferring instead to stay at home, watch a movie, whatever. My wife on the other hand loves going out, and I neglected to support her desires in this respect too.

 

Ever since my first child was born I have been a good parent, they can rely on me for all the array of support they need, from the first diaper changes to getting them ready for school, to everything they can need, I can handle. I am a "hands-on" dad, so in this respect we have no issues.

 

So, back to my story, two years ago I was blown out of the water by this "divorce" desire from my wife. I never thought it was "that bad", and I am told this is common. I always thought the key to a great marriage was treating your wife like a princess. I have always treated her with love, never offended her, never hit her, never cheated on her, always supported her on her projects. Our sex-life was healthy, if not terribly adventurous. I was a good provider and in hard times I always put her needs and the kid's in front of mine. I was devastated. I have very cheap hobbies fortunately, and I am not a big spender.

 

I asked my wife for another chance, pleading with her and making the compromise to change the issues that were bothering her, which boiled down to: Video game time, going out, "talking" more, letting her have her space, and not being controlling, sleeping, and being more engaged in the kid's affairs.

 

So I started on my journey of change, and being absolutely honest, I believe I did achieve most of the goals set forth on the onset of it. I simply threw away the videogame console, I did not say no to any suggestion or invitation from her to go out, and sometimes took her out by my own initiative, I befriended her friends from work and her friends in general, I spent time with her talking about her business and her day, every day when I got home, and I started coming home earlier every day to spend more time working on her business and talking to her about it, and helping with the kids. I took my kids to school every day at 5 a.m, and came home every day to do homework with them.

 

While I was making all these efforts to change, I did notice that my wife was becoming distant and resentful. We stopped having sex as often, and she would begin showing signs of a violent temper I had never seen. Pretty soon it all started. The trigger was that my personal financial situation took a hit from a fight I had with a partner, (ironically, the fight started because I was devoting more time to my wife's business, according to him, than to our own). Her business had been growing steadily for 3 years, and all the investments I made on it, time and money, were paying off. She started appearing on TV a lot, radio, magazines, selling in other countries, etc. She was having a lot of success, and this made me incredibly proud of her, and made me put even more effort into helping her. After all, no one would fit for the job description, since all the things I did would require 5 to 10 people and incredible amounts of money to complete if it were not for the fact that I am a very good mutitasker and did it out of love for my wife, not financial gain.

 

My wife had always had a strong temper, but now she was becoming verbally abusive toward me, saying the most awful things to me. Along the lines of "I am sick of supporting you" (I have never taken a dime from her business, and in 10 years, have made enough money to give her and my kids a good life, if not a "yacht club" life), "I am the only one working" (I gave 70% of my time to her business, she doesnt even know how it operates, to be honest), "You are mediocre, you are the reason for all my problems, you f**ked my life up, you are boring, I dont enjoy sex with you, I want to be free, you are holding me back, you...you...you...".

 

At first I reacted by literally "kissing her butt" like a moron when she had her outbursts, which would be triggered by anything from a glass breaking on the floor by accident to a phone bill not being paid or me not having enough money to do whatever, or my mother calling (she hates my mom, and of all my family only has a basic relationship with my brother. During this time she had her own money, but I made it a point ever since we married that I lived by my own means, and I never accepted her paying for anything until this point, when she did contribute a good deal to the home's expenses, and which I thought was a natural thing, since we were partners in business and in life, and I did not receive anything for all the work I did). I would try to calm her, say "sorry" even though I had done nothing wrong, etc. The outbursts would be so common that I started living a life of constant fear of what would trigger them, and I became a total idiot with regards to my own self-esteem and every measure of self-worth. At this point she concealed all information regarding money, blocked access to her accounts, and complained a lot of me not making deposits on our account abroad to "guarantee our kid's future", this became a constant pressure on me from her, and she even started telling people that she maintained me, that I did nothing with my life, and basically that I was a total loser when it came to making money (maybe she was setting up an excuse to explain why she wanted a divorce?).

 

Her friends dont even think her capable of leaving me because they can all see how much I love her, and often comment on the fact that they would love to have a husband that backed them as much as I back her, and that was not afraid to have them succeed on their own. Those friends she replaced, and now she hangs out with a lot of other "friends" who are divorced or want a divorce or are going through MLC, like our neighbor.

 

This went on for 2 years... I let her be more independent, let her go out with friends... sent her to Italy alone to visit a girlfriend there 2 times last year for 1 month at a time, while I spent all my time between her business and the kids (I paid for the trips out of my own pocket as a "gift"), and basically became a personal assistant to her... we would have intimacy like once a month during last year, and it was always me that needed to initiate it. I am a 34 year old man, in good shape, and not terribly unattractive, and I have always been an extremely sexual being. So my sex-life was important to me, and this caused me unbelievable pain and disappointment, since I never cheated on her and thought of myself a decent enough lover. I have had plenty of chances to "look for it" outside the house, but have refused outright and have kept my faithfulness to her for the last 16 years.

 

The situation deteriorated over time, and she became more and more "self centered", not even caring about my opinion on most things, going out and leaving me to take care of the kids (we have a nanny, but still we are both very protective of them). Not calling to say where she was (we live in a country with extremely high crime rates, kidnappings, murder, etc, so it's a matter of her safety as well as my basic jealousy).

 

At one time, about a year ago, I accidentally checked a IM conversation between her and a friend, (I was backing up her phone in case she lost it by her suggestion and with her permission), and I read about a guy that was hitting on her, and of her apparently liking this "flirtation". Instead of playing it smart and waiting to find out more, (I have been a total moron in this thing), I confronted her right there and then, and she denied having had any intimacy with this OM, she then became more violent, more cruel in her comments, and even more "self centered". One night she arrived at 3a.m and drunk as hell and said some things that I would like never to have heard in my life... basically she drove me into the ground, with the worst possible things you can say to a man. Again, I acted like a "pussy" and did nothing to defend myself. (I will eventually work up the courage to write down what she said, but its really painful).

 

Last July we were going on a trip, (we travel 2 times a year to the US or other places), and I was looking forward to it since these trips usually meant we would not fight that much, we had good times on our trips, and we had more intimacy moments, and generally came back a little less stressed). I had been living a nightmare for a year with her constant bitching and offenses, my work performance was down on my own business (strangely it was up in her business, I believe out of fear for her darned temper), and my financial situation was not very good, still, I managed to pull off the money to make the trip without sparing any expenses, and so, we went to the airport. When we got there, I felt like I was going to die when the guy at the counter said we could not travel because my son's passport was expired...(I made a mistake and read the visa expiration date instead of the passport expiration date), you can imagine the Hurricane of S**T that I took from my wife on this one... so I called a cab and sent her home, and took one myself to go to the Ministry of Exterior to "fix" this thing however I could so we could leave as soon as possible.

 

I arrived at the ministry at 7 a.m (our flight was at 6a.m, the one we missed), and I started the hassle of begging for help, bribing people (common in my country), and doing anything I could so I could have this passport by that day. At 5 p.m I hit the jackpot (cost me US$1.000) and I asked my wife to come to the ministry to sign on our son's new passport (both parents have to sign). I had spent all day buying these people coffee and befriending them, and when she got there all she did was embarrass me. She started saying she wanted a divorce right then and there, in front of my son, and started saying awful things to me in front of these strangers, so I couldn't take it anymore, (after 11 hours kissing butt, with no lunch, and spending a fortune on a passport which was as much as mine, her responsibility to keep in check), I had her sign the passport, took her home, and told her to get ready for a divorce, because now the one that wanted it was me... I have never been so upset in my entire life (well, up to then). When she saw me like that she started crying and saying she had not meant it, that she was upset because of the passport being expired (as much her fault as mine btw) etc, etc etc. I had called the trip off right then and there, but she convinced me to go, saying she wanted to work things off.

 

So we went on the trip, had a good time, she treated me better, (I asked her to be honest and tell me if she wanted a divorce then, so I could buy stuff to make the back room of my office into a makeshift bedroom and move out, and she said no, that she wanted to work things out). We came back home, and over the next 3 months we treated each-other better, we had sex more often, (not as much as I need to, but like I said I am like a bunny), etc. I had really believed we were "over the hill" on this crisis.

 

3 months ago her sister (who lives in the US) got diagnosed with Cancer. In an instant I bought a ticket and told her to go, and she spent 15 days with her, as soon as she came back I sensed her being worried and asked her to go again, so over the last 3 months she has gone there 2 times, for over 15 days each. Both times I have taken care of the kids and her business.

 

She got back again from visiting her sister 2 weeks ago, and in the car when I went to pick her up at the airport, she said she was done, she wants a divorce. Over these 2 weeks and sometime before that she spends all night at her girlfriends house, (shes our neighbor), and she has been sleeping in our kid's room, (the kids are sleeping with me in our room).

 

The insults are down a notch, but I put my foot down finally and have told myself that I cannot do any more to save this marriage. I have changed over the last 2 years for the better, and she does not recognize it, saying that it doesn't make up for the other 8 years of our marriage, she might be right, but how do you judge someone, by what he has done or by what he is doing? If people could not change there would be no parole, no pardons, no remorse, nothing, and I have changed.

 

Last week she devastated me when I told her I had lined up a huge business opportunity for her in NYC, an investor (and personal friend of mine, a guy I do business with on other things) who would take her trademark to the US market, without her even putting down a dime to do it, and with her having total control over it, a great salary, 4 creative trips a year with all expenses paid to wherever she needs to go... all this set up by me with these investors and for her benefit. She told me it sounded "ok" and that I should not think of myself as part of her business, as my work could have been done by any employee, and that the only reason I did it myself was because I was a cheap bastard that did not want her spending money on anything other than the expenses of the home, etc. I was simply too humiliated to speak, so I went to my office and got home as late as I could. I have been doing this for a week, hardly talking to her, and I prepared a resignation letter which I plan to give to her this week... if she wants to be alone, my thinking is she needs to take care of her own stuff.

 

I spoke to a good friend who told me to just "drop everything related to her business on her", no matter the consequences, and really it is the only thing I have not tried, but I am reluctant that she, being a stubborn person, will hate me even more if I do it... I am 99% sure that the marriage is over, but that darn 1% of hope stops me from simply saying f**ck it and moving on.

 

The business oportunity in NYC will fail if I am not a part of it, I am sure of this because I am the one who has the operational knowledge of the business, and also the one who was going to set up all the business plans and presentations, so now I am feeling like s**t because this will damage her opportunities, but what she said was just too hurtful, and I am truly offended.

 

My financial situation right now is not good, but I have always found it easy to make money. I do not want to hurt my kids by divorcing, but I cannot live like this anymore, In our country any children under the age of 7 have to live with the mother, so that means I will not have full access to my children, which is the only thing keeping me going right now, they are my pride and joy, they are the only reason why I don't take a suitcase and move to India or some other place where I know no one. We have to live together because: a) she has no money to buy a house, (she is the one that wants a divorce) b) neither do I, c) I still owe money on our current house and have to settle that debt in order to sell it and buy 2 houses with the proceeds.

 

Living with her like this is hell. We hardly speak anymore, and since I exploded we don't really argue unless its over the top (so when we do its usually huge fights). But not being able to ask or expect anything of my wife, like her reporting where she is, or saying she is going out, or not being able to protest her going out late, or she hiding her phones like they're the launch codes of nuclear missiles, is all taking its toll on me. I am not sleeping well, I took to smoking again and I am generally unhappy, at 34... which really sucks since I am in the prime of my life.

 

A friend counseled me to do the NC strategy, and to give her full control of her business right now, and resign any and all responsibilities on it, and I am seriously considering it... but I am very afraid of the consequences if she takes it badly, since it would only worsen the chance of an amiable separation, and would destroy any chance of reconciliation.

 

I am sorry if my story seems a little disordered, but I was writing as things came to my head. If you have any questions about details please be sure to ask them, I will answer in all honesty, since this forum at least gives me the chance to see some perspectives on possible outcomes, and gives the anonymity I desire at the current moment.

 

The fact of the matter is I still love her, and hate that she doesn't love me back, and I want to save my marriage or, in the worst case scenario, want to be able to move on as soon as possible.

 

Thanks for all your advice.

 

E.

P.S: We did marriage counseling for over 4 months, she stopped wanting to go when the counselor said she was not acting right. The doctor wanted to test her for possible bipolar disorder, and she refused, and when she heard all my complaints she simply dismissed them as babble.

[Jstub]

I just saw your post and realized no one had answered. It is a long one, but I read it in it's entirety. It's been almost a month since you posted this - What's going on?

 

I think you should have gotten yourself out of her business right away at least. She does not appreciate you in any way. Takes you for granted and craps all over you. She is NOT the woman you married. Happens... I know your behavior caused a lot of damage, but you realized and made changes - that shows effort on your part, her on the other hand, she does not want this, she puts 0 effort and treats you like crap. A marriage can't work if one person has checked out. PERIOD.

 

I think you should divorce her - I do understand that it's not that simple. House, kids etc. find a way.

[elfman]

Thanks J Yeah, it is a long one, but after 10 years I had a lot to tell... I've been feeling like crap lately. I believe she may be having an affair atm, although she would not confess to it in any way. I believe she thinks I may use an affair to my advantage in court, if it came to that. I will find out for certain, I am sure, but not knowing at the moment just makes me feel like crap, I have a constant pressure in my chest all the time, and I've been having trouble sleeping and been having horrible dreams... Yes, I am out of her business, I am not going to make it easy for her to destroy the life we had, which she is putting a lot of effort into. I do appreciate your reply, and I do believe there is no way out of a divorce as matters stand... I wish she would try to go back to the way she was, but I think she is too far down "Egoism Avenue" to realize she is destroying something worth saving. I'll post updates, which I had not done since I thought the thread was dead anyway. Thanks again, I only hope I get the courage to stand firm and not let her trample all over me on this. E

[Jstub]

I feel for you. Don't want to sound negative here, but I don't think your wife is going back to what she was. It's been going on for too long. Having an affair makes perfect sense - I think if you look close enough, you will find out. You have to try to move on with your life instead of waiting for her to come back. It is difficult (I have not accomplished this myself) but it is the right thing to do for yourself.

[jaymz]

Sorry dude but it sounds like its over.

 

Time to start LC, the 180, seperate all finances, get a laywer, start the divorce etc.

 

Ask her when she is moving out to be with OM.

 

File for full custody.

 

Its a long hard road but get some great advise from here and from a lawyer. Best advise I can give you is to get organised, dont be the nice guy with your STBXW anymore and live your new life.

[elfman]

Hey Jay

 

Yeah, Im on it... I've gotten good advice here, and I've started to get my life together again... It'll be a while before we can arrange for separate housing (damn it), but I guess I am on the right bus right now, the one headed to a better life.

 

Thanks and I'll keep updating this as things happen, your replies mean a lot.

 

E

[elfman]

Ok, so I've been doing the 180 and NC (remember I have to live with her until we can both work out our living arrangements), but I am finding this:

 

- I am barely talking to her, I occasionally say like "good morning" or "good evening"... but it's hard because I am kind of a polite person. (I hate this). She is the one that initiates most conversations. Is this supposed to be this way? Or am I missing what NC and the 180 are? I think I am coming off as bitter, more than "independent".

 

- She's constantly going out at night. (I believe might be OM, but she denies it and I have no proof). And this gets me super mad (I try not to let it get to me) and I fear she may be sensing my anger, thus disqualifying my 180.

 

- I started the whole separation / divorce paperwork, and have stepped away from her business. I cannot lie, it worries me she will crash it and burn it up if she keeps going the way she is.

 

Tell me, please, where I am going wrong... I need to correct my course to make this PERFECT, I cannot mess this up, not for her, (I don't want anything to do with her anymore, this is kind of a new development, but she made me suffer too much, and I'm done), but for my kids.

 

Thanks.

 

E.

 

-

[Steen719]

Ok, so I've been doing the 180 and NC (remember I have to live with her until we can both work out our living arrangements), but I am finding this:

 

- I am barely talking to her, I occasionally say like "good morning" or "good evening"... but it's hard because I am kind of a polite person. (I hate this). She is the one that initiates most conversations. Is this supposed to be this way? Or am I missing what NC and the 180 are? I think I am coming off as bitter, more than "independent".

 

- She's constantly going out at night. (I believe might be OM, but she denies it and I have no proof). And this gets me super mad (I try not to let it get to me) and I fear she may be sensing my anger, thus disqualifying my 180.

 

- I started the whole separation / divorce paperwork, and have stepped away from her business. I cannot lie, it worries me she will crash it and burn it up if she keeps going the way she is.

 

Tell me, please, where I am going wrong... I need to correct my course to make this PERFECT, I cannot mess this up, not for her, (I don't want anything to do with her anymore, this is kind of a new development, but she made me suffer too much, and I'm done), but for my kids.

 

Thanks.

 

E.

 

-

 

hey, I know it is hard being in the house with her. I had to live with XH after the divorce for 3 months. It was very difficult. It was very hard to know he was cheating, but after the divorce, he had no problem taking phone calls (his phone announced who was calling...mostly his girlfriend) and texts and blah, blah, blah. I got to where I stayed away from him completely. I either stayed in the other room or went into the room I had moved into and stayed there. When he started leaving for days at a time, it was a double edged sword. I didn't want him there, but there he was, my husband of 22 years, leaving and staying with his gf (yes, I know we were divorced, but he still felt like my H) and I was hurt over that, too. It was all crap and I have to say that those 3 months were the hardest I can remember. I was so very low.

 

The truth is that you cannot go NC while you two are in the house and when you leave, it will have to be LC since you have kids. Your kids are young and she is out every night? The first time my XH cheated, my son was 7 and I went a lot of places with him to get away. Kids are always happy to do stuff with you when they are that age. Watch movies, go to the park, go to the zoo, anything to help you keep busy. Until you can be apart, spend time with them having fun, be polite, but have no intense conversations with her, be matter of fact and try to answer her with very short answers. Believe me, this will be easier when you do not live together and if you can't manage to not show your anger, well join the human race. It is VERY hard not to react; I know. The first 3 or 4 weeks was hard after I moved. I was lonely, sad, cried a lot and felt like it would never feel better. I am slowly getting better and I don't think I would have if I had not left the house. I mean, really, how are you supposed to stay home while your spouse dates her boyfriend and then comes home to where you live together and NOT BE MAD? Crazy, right.

 

Hang in there. You will get through it. {{HUGS TO YOU}}

[jaymz]

Ok, so I've been doing the 180 and NC (remember I have to live with her until we can both work out our living arrangements), but I am finding this:

 

Ask her to leave, tell her you get that she wants to be with OM and say you will even help her to pack.

 

- I am barely talking to her, I occasionally say like "good morning" or "good evening"... but it's hard because I am kind of a polite person. (I hate this). She is the one that initiates most conversations. Is this supposed to be this way? Or am I missing what NC and the 180 are? I think I am coming off as bitter, more than "independent".

 

Keep up the 180 and LC. Re-read the 180 again, item 14 & 15.

 

- She's constantly going out at night. (I believe might be OM, but she denies it and I have no proof). And this gets me super mad (I try not to let it get to me) and I fear she may be sensing my anger, thus disqualifying my 180.

 

Then YOU go out, item 13.

 

- I started the whole separation / divorce paperwork, and have stepped away from her business. I cannot lie, it worries me she will crash it and burn it up if she keeps going the way she is.

 

This will not be your problem anymore. She needs to make her own decisions and live by the consequences of those decisions.

 

Tell me, please, where I am going wrong... I need to correct my course to make this PERFECT, I cannot mess this up, not for her, (I don't want anything to do with her anymore, this is kind of a new development, but she made me suffer too much, and I'm done), but for my kids.

 

Thanks.

 

E.

 

-

 

You need to keep up the 180 and LC, read them everyday if needed.

 

You also need to think if "staying together for the sake of the kids" is the right thing to do...

[elfman]

Hey guys:

 

Thank you for the pointers.

 

Steen, remember, I have NO PROOF that she has OM, in my mind, she does, (nagging feeling, etc). I feel like exploding every time she gets home. During the last few days I decided that I would try to sleep instead of worry about where she was, so I have. Last night she got home at 1a.m and woke me up to ask for a cigarette... I was like "you know where they are, why wake me when you know how hard it is for me to go to sleep?". I think she is doing this to toy with me. I am hating it. I can feel where you're coming from by saying "they were the hardest 3 months of my life" and I want to cry, I am looking at least at 6 months of this. I am even considering asking her to move to her mom's with my kids: something I had been opposed to before. But I am getting desperate.

 

I did ask her to move, and she refuses. I have even gone as far as to say that she will find the door locked one day, because she is adamant about not moving. (In my country moving away from the family home constitutes a serious offense that will be considered in the divorce proceedings, and she knows this).

 

Jay, when she goes out I DO go out too, but here's the thing. I HAVE to get back home early, I cannot afford to take a hit at my work from low performance (it's my own business, so I have to work 5 times as hard), so by the time I get back home, she's not there yet either... Also, I hate my kids being alone (we have a nanny but still), so I get home like (at most) at 11:00p.m because I hate not being there with them.

 

The 180 that I want to do has more to do with me not wanting to care for this person anymore, not with getting her back. To be honest I do not want her back right now, she needs to change so much before I can want her back... Is the 180 intended for that purpose? What I meant when I said I need this to be PERFECT is that I need to make sure my tactics work toward my kids not suffering, or suffering as little as possible.

 

I am not staying together for the sake of the kids, I was well over a year ago, but I know now that it cannot work, at least for me. My wife does not want to stay together, not even if I turned into Brad Pitt, both in looks and in money. I feel like she hates my guts.

 

Thanks again.

 

E.

P.S: Screw it, I just printed the 180 and I am going to carry it with me in my wallet... I keep forgetting the simplest things...

Edited April 11, 2012 by elfman

[elfman]

Sigh... Last night, again, she went out... she came home at 4:30 a.m. I am trying not to care but for the life of me (even though I was very tired) I could not get an ounce of sleep... I feel asleep at 3:00a.m and had to wake up at 6 to take the kids to school. I know she got home at 4:30 because the nanny had to open the door for her and she told me.

 

How many more nights like this will I have to go through damn it? She is being such a horrible ****ing person...

 

This morning she tried to talk to me and I just walked away, I got in my car and left, (I came back after dropping the kids for my morning coffee and to get a jacket), she started sending me bb messages like "You are crazy! you say you want to divorce peacefully and then think you simply will not talk to me!" "you ****ed up my life for 12 years (I have no idea where she gets this number from) and now think you have any say in what I do"... I replied..."Please, I am busy at work, unless you need to talk about the kids, don't write me"... she kept on writing **** and I deleted her from my contacts... so she texted me "You deleted me from you PIN contacts, PERFECT!".

 

Sigh, I am so frustrated... I am trying not to get emotional here, or angry, but damn it's hard...

 

E.

[Steen719]

Sigh... Last night, again, she went out... she came home at 4:30 a.m. I am trying not to care but for the life of me (even though I was very tired) I could not get an ounce of sleep... I feel asleep at 3:00a.m and had to wake up at 6 to take the kids to school. I know she got home at 4:30 because the nanny had to open the door for her and she told me.

 

How many more nights like this will I have to go through damn it? She is being such a horrible ****ing person...

 

This morning she tried to talk to me and I just walked away, I got in my car and left, (I came back after dropping the kids for my morning coffee and to get a jacket), she started sending me bb messages like "You are crazy! you say you want to divorce peacefully and then think you simply will not talk to me!" "you ****ed up my life for 12 years (I have no idea where she gets this number from) and now think you have any say in what I do"... I replied..."Please, I am busy at work, unless you need to talk about the kids, don't write me"... she kept on writing **** and I deleted her from my contacts... so she texted me "You deleted me from you PIN contacts, PERFECT!".

 

Sigh, I am so frustrated... I am trying not to get emotional here, or angry, but damn it's hard...

 

E.

 

If she is not staying there, you won't have this. You will be lonely and have a new set of emotions about that, but you will not have to know her comings and goings. I can't remember, but she won't leave, but what other options are there? Do you own the house? Can you sell it? What does your lawyer say? I would work towards that goal with a vengeance. She does not want to stay married to you, so find a way to make that happen.

 

Good luck.

[Owl]

Tell the Nanny to stop opening the door for her. Keep the house secured til morning when YOU are up and moving. If she wants to go out and stay out that late...she can STAY out.

 

That's a consequence of her choice to stay out those kind of crazy hours.

[elfman]

Hey Coops,

 

I think we are beyond MC... we have to live together because neither of us can afford to move atm. MC did not work because she refused to keep going. I just found out that 2 years ago (when my father was dying) she had an EA and a possible (most likely) PA with a guy that has ended up being a very good friend of my sister's husband (small world eh? My sister found out because the guy was talking to a group of friends about dating married women and he started telling a story) I just found this out today and it gives a lot more footing to my instinct about her having an affair now.

 

His story goes along the lines of him dating this married woman who got very intense, asked him out all the time, paid for drinks (with what was my money at the time) and generally wanted to **** his brains out, (he didnt say he ****ed her, but implied it), and eventually he said her name, my sister almost fell dead on the spot, and called me this morning. She then called him (being good friends nowadays) and asked him if it got physical, he swore it did not, but I guess I will never know. What is very clear is that even if it did not get phisical, it could have.

 

This changes things, I have just contacted a PI who will find me proof, and all I need now is to have the patience to NOT BLOW THE **** UP ON HER until I have the proof. After that, she will wish she was never born.

 

I am the most angry right now that I've been in ****ING AGES.

 

Owl, I had thought of this, and from today it will be so... I have a thousand ways to **** UP her life, and I wont continue to let her **** up mine...

 

E.

Edited April 13, 2012 by elfman

[elfman]

Hey guys:

I don't know if the people who were kind enough to help me and talk to me through this forum are still around, but I hope you are and are doing better in your particular situations. I stopped reading and posting almost a year ago because it was just too painful to continually think on what was going on with my life/marriage at the time, I had to take a step back. Today, the deal goes as follows:

 

1.- I am anxiously waiting for my divorce to become legal on August 11th.

2.- I moved out of the house (my house) because my EW was driving me insane and the fact that the house is still mine means whenever I can I will solve that particular problem. Besides, my kids live there, and it is for their benefit.

3.- I am spending almost all my free time with my kids (which is great because my wife is just as active partying/drinking/living-la-vida-loca as ever, so I am inclined to think that next year, when they are legally bound, they are going to decide they want to live with me).

4.- I got my life and selfesteem back slowly but surely, I went back to my Karate, I lost over 50 lbs, I am looking and feeling great. My job has never been better, I am financially stable and have great plans for the short-term future and long term.

5.- I am OVER my ex, I have no feelings for her whatsoever, not of love, not of hate, if anything a deep sense of pity, since she has systematically screwed up her life since she decided to become a WAW. I do not give a damn about my past with her, her affairs, anything, its none of my business nowadays, I have done a total disconnect, and it is so liberating!

 

So to all of you who helped by giving me insight, I want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, your words came at the right time and on the right frequency to get me through some tough times. Again, I hope you guys are doing good!

 

Cheers!

 

E.

I have a saying I came up with on my own and for my situation, and invite you to use it if you find it, ehm, useful:

 

When it comes to divorce and separation, you have to play CHESS, not CHECKERS.

 

Meaning all actions that lead to a good outcome will take time and strategy, nothing will be fast, and no single move will let you take over the board!