fetish1980 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Long story short, I met this girl and we met up and dated once in October 2011. I asked her to lunch and surprised her with a gift of tea on our lunch date. In between that time, we'd chat over the telephone, sometimes for hours. It wasn't until a whole month later we met up. Always saying she's overloaded with stress and has her son, school, work, and we end up not seeing eachother for another month. We went out in november 2011 and went to dinner, then i'd call her a little bit. In early december, i tried to get a little more seductive to get us to see eachother again. She was sick at the time and i offered to come give her some TLC. She politely turned me down. then she hit me with the text "i really like you and didn't want to cross that line with me. I think you're a great friend! I'm also very careful of who i bring around my son" That was a blow to me as i told her, i liked her more than that. After a few exchanges, i told her that we could be friends but I'm out! I'm moving on!" So about a month later, she texts me, the "hey how are you". Then she calls me and offers to take me to lunch that day, but i was at work, so i couldn't. We end up going out on a movie date in February and i try to turn up my flirtily touch her. She smiles, but she still had this wall i'm trying to get over. So after our date, i call her and she shuts down again and doesn't answer her phone. Then we don't talk for a few weeks until she texts me later. I keep it short, but still don't inititate any contact. Then this past week, she pops back up, texting me with the same ol story, "she's been stressed with her son, school, workload, etc." She then invited me over to her house (for the 1st time), but then backs out to go out with her friends at the last minute. I played it off like, "Cool. We can meet another time." She calls me the next day (this past Saturday) and she invites me over to watch a movie. We agree on a time and then calls me an hour later and says" She's not ready for that! I got my son and everything!" I said, "It's not about your son, you;'re scared about something!" She said, "You're right. I'm scared. My previous relationships I've been hurt and taken advantage of so many times. This last failed r/l really took a toll on me!" I sympathized with her and was understanding, but told her she can't live the rest of her life in fear based on what a few *********s did. She then changed and said, let's go ahead and keep our plans and we meet at the time we planned. So i go over to her house, hang out for a few hours, she buys popeyes and i meet her 6 year old son (who she said he liked me). We hug and i told her i basically that i like her and look forward to seeing her again. She smiles and said, yeah, we see how things go, just take things slow. she texted me that night and said her son likes me and that's rare for him to like anyone she's dated in the past. I'm thinking things went well and have contacted her a couple times via text since saturday night, and now it seems cold again. She's begun to pull away again. I understand this girl is scared of getting hurt, but i can't help her with that. I see her like once a month. We go on a date, romance and feelings get brought up, then she shuts down. Then after not talking to her for a while, she slowly warms up to me and we start this whole cycle again. And she has nerve to say "We just this this slow". Any slower, we'll be dead! I've been patient with her over the last 5 months. She's always using her son and busy schedule as this emotional shield. It's not like i've been sitting around and waiting, i've still continued dating, but she's starting to get me kind of frustrated. Any thoughts? fetish
Eddie Edirol Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I'd say continue dating like you are, and if you want to pursue her on the side, do it with this assumption. Usually when someone is hot and cold like that, its because they are hot when they get lonely, or blown off by someone else, and then they get cold when the person they really want to be with give them a lil attention. SO I believe that to her, you are a backburner guy, in case she cant land the guy she really wants. No one is that wishy washy with someone they really want to get to know, so on second thought, dont answer any more of her calls. Let her be lonely. I think her excuse of being afraid is true, but she wouldnt cancel on you that often if she really liked you. Throw this fish back into the lake.
Quiet Storm Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 It seems to me like she may be using you for companionship & ego strokes. The reason I say this is because things are always on her terms. Normally when a girl really likes and is sexually attracted to a guy, she will want to be around him. A lot. This girls seems busy with work and her son, but she probably still likes to have a man around sometimes for company and ego stroking (your compliments and kindness make her feel good). But she doesn't like you enough to want more than that. She only wants you to be there when it's convenient for her. On the backburner. This is why I think she is not really attracted to you, and she is using you as a stand in guy for company until she meets a guy that she is truly attracted to an crazy about. You should not be available for her. She is treating you like a toy. She puts you up on the shelf until she wants to play again. And you are playing along, and being available when she wants you. She is not respecting you or your feelings, it is all about her and what she wants and needs. What about what you need in a woman? It doesn't sound like she is meeting or even cares about your needs. It sounds like you want more than she is willing to give. Instead of being a puppet in her show, close the curtain on this and move on. JMO.
sweetsmmr91 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Yeah I agree with him ^ If she wanted to be with you, trust me.. nothing would stop her. Girls are thrilled to get to know guys they're interested in, and usually would be thrilled that the guy they like is showing as much interest as you seem to be showing her. She doesn't sound to quite as much. You do sound like a backburner guy, the guy she calls when other things fall through and she's lonely and wants attention. It sucks, but it's true. Find someone new, date around, and if she decides to be less flaky with you in the future, then that's good! Just don't sit around thinking about it. 1
Author fetish1980 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) Thanks for all your advice. I kind of feel like i've been made a sucker out of. I wonder if her attraction would heighten if i kind of told her about herself. I don't understand why she's not feeling me except for an ego boost. we've gone out at least 5 times over the last 5 months (1 month a piece). Believe me, i'm not sitting around thinking about it, but these words were kind of an awakening. It kind of got me stirred up and angry at her a little bit. I feel like calling her up and blasting her out a little! fetish Edited March 21, 2012 by fetish1980
dasein Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Wow you are a genuine, patient guy, definitely more patient than me. Hope women who wonder "where are all the good guys" read this thread. Others are giving good advice, keep dating and cultivating other options. This woman is a bad bet, because she has shown you lots of disrespect among other things, but things do seem to be inching along, so best wishes.
waiting4u Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I agree with the whole back burner guy scenario - that's what it sounds like. But I also know what it's like to busy with a demanding job and responsibilities at home as well as someone who has been burned bad. It's strange that she would tell you how bad she's been hurt before if she's just playing you - although she may be conflicted about you for some reason. I don't know if I'd necessarily call yourself a "sucker" or whatever. I just wouldn't put all your eggs in this basket. Maybe date other people as well and try turning her down sometime. That way you come across as someone who has boundaries and who also has a life. As far as the son thing goes - that's just messed up. Stay out of her son's life. If she doesn't have the common sense to protect her child then you should at least realize that children (especially boys living without a Dad) don't like to see male figures come in and out of their lives, and there is the potential to screw him up pretty bad if you aren't careful. Good luck with this - again, I wouldn't put too much stock in it.
Author fetish1980 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 Wow you are a genuine, patient guy, definitely more patient than me. Hope women who wonder "where are all the good guys" read this thread. Thank you for this but trust me, i've played the jerk role and believe me, it doesn't get me far either. I've found that the worst way to shoot yourself in the foot with a woman is to go off on them because it indicates bitterness and to some of them, bad temper/abusive/controlling. I may be nice, but i never stuck around and chased her for very long. She's usually the one who winds up contacting me after enough time has passed. But i'm going to have to learn to turn her down since it seems like she keeps repeating this pattern. but things do seem to be inching along, . could i ask what you mean by "inching" If it means what i think it does, i'm definitely not getting my hopes up. Now Saturday, i kind of was, but just curious. she may be conflicted about you for some reason i remember her saying back in november that its rare to find someone who's over 28, no kids, never married. She continued to say" I've been trying to figure out what could be wrong with you? And i can't find anything!" I guess she thinks its too good to be true. BTW, i just reread my opening post. Sorry about all the typos and grammar. Was at work and was in a hurry! fetish
sweetsmmr91 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 i remember her saying back in november that its rare to find someone who's over 28, no kids, never married. She continued to say" I've been trying to figure out what could be wrong with you? And i can't find anything!" I guess she thinks its too good to be true. fetish That's a good problem to have Haha.
Author fetish1980 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 well i guess according to some women, that raises a red flag to think "Why hasn't he been married?" Something must be wrong with him. Why is a good looking guy single (someone's told me this, so its not being conceided:laugh: )? How come no one wants him?" fetish
sweetsmmr91 Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 well i guess according to some women, that raises a red flag to think "Why hasn't he been married?" Something must be wrong with him. Why is a good looking guy single (someone's told me this, so its not being conceided:laugh: )? How come no one wants him?" fetish Hm I can see that. Maybe you should develop some kind of flaw. Or a love child. Or get ugly.
dasein Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 could i ask what you mean by "inching" She seems to be warming up to you and letting you in a bit more, but whether this will continue will be a matter of even more patience on your part.
westrock Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 (edited) Fetish, In a push-pull dynamic, when one partner (eg. her) pushes, the other partner (ie. you) pulls, and vice versa. The question you need to ask yourself is why are you attracted to someone who acts like this? You need to examine your own boundaries in terms of asking yourself what behaviors you are willing to accept and what behaviors are not good enough for you in a partner. Do you feel like you could be her knight in shining armor? If so, you need to remember that you can't fix her. You can only focus on yourself. i remember her saying back in november that its rare to find someone who's over 28, no kids, never married. She continued to say" I've been trying to figure out what could be wrong with you? And i can't find anything!" I guess she thinks its too good to be true. It's not that you're too good to be true. It's more likely that she's afraid that you will think she is too good to be true. When people say things like this it is because they are uncomfortable with their own situation. She's told you she's been emotionally hurt in past relationships and it's likely she still has unresolved emotional pains and likely a damaged self-esteem. She's afraid you'll discover what she believes is wrong with her and then you'll break up with her. Rather than face her own issues, as a self-defense mechanism she takes a pre-emtive strike by projecting her own self-analysis onto analysing you. By looking for something that is wrong with you she can then use that fault against you to push you away again (before you break up with her), to deflect your attention away from discovering her own perceived self-faults, and to avoid having to face her own unresolved issues. After she pushes you away, her fear subsides, and about a month later she becomes lonely and starts to put out feelers. When she discovers you're actually still interested in her despite her past actions, she feels comfortable letting you "pull" her back into the relationship a little further each time. But, once you start showing her attention again and more each time, her fear comes up again and the cycle continues until she pushes you away again. The problem is that each time she pushes you away and lets you pull her back in, the more she fears that you will find fault with her. Eventually she fears you'll feel her push-push behavior itself is one her faults which she cannot hide from you. If she doesn't seek therapy to help her heal her unresolved emotional issues from her past relationships, eventually, the damage of the push-pull cycle with you accumulates until her fear of you breaking up with her becomes too great and then she'll break up with you permanently. Edited March 22, 2012 by westrock
Author fetish1980 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 These replies are all great and everyone is giving great advice. I do think that i may be a backburner guy but at the same time, i think she may be emotionally damaged. It makes me think of the Martin Lawrence movie "A Thin Line Between Love and Hate", where he persued her in the beginning and she kept pushing him away, then he pulls back and then she later is all over him, then he discovers that she's a psycho. westrock, that's a good question i should ask myself. Why am i attracted to someone who acts like that? Or maybe i should ask where my self esteem is at to where i've put up with it? fetish
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