hopelessromantic107 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Hi, I'm relatively new to these forums, but I was browsing through them and the people seemed to give genuine advice. So here's my predicament. I have been dating my current girlfriend for a few months now. Things are great. I love her very much. The other day, a past friend with benefits that I met online texted me. I replied. I realize that that was my first mistake. The conversation was normal, we were just catching up. Soon, things took a turn and got flirtier (sexual innuendo's, jokes). She then said that she wanted to "sext", and that my girlfriend wouldn't have to find out. I was tempted at first, but shortly after told her no and that I loved my girlfriend. The only reason I was tempted was because she happened to text me when I was horny. She got upset soon after, and I told her that I couldn't talk to her anymore. We did not do anything, but it was very close. Afterwards, I deleted her number and haven't talked to her since. I feel horrendously guilty, and I don't know why. I have never cheated, nor could I ever bring myself to. I have been cheated on before by an ex, so I know what the feeling feels like. I told my girlfriend because I tell her everything. I explained to her what happened exactly. She was very understanding and said it didn't bother her because I didn't cheat. She told me not to feel bad at all. But the incident has been on my mind quite often the past few days, I do not feel as horrible as I did at first, but the thought crosses my mind. I have been thinking and I believe that I feel bad because I was even tempted in the first place, and that I had a lapse of judgement. The girl texted me when I was very "in the mood", so that didn't help. I am open to opinions, and also glad that I did not cheat. I have gotten advice from some close friends, and they said I should move on and not fret over it. But I am also interested in what anyone on here would have to say.. Anything would be appreciated. Thank you.
Philosoraptor Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 The fact that you can be swayed at all while "horny" doesn't bode well for your commitment. I'd feel guilty as well, but if you told your girlfriend the whole truth and she forgave you, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. Just move on and learn from this experience.
Author hopelessromantic107 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) I'm committed, it was just a fleeting thought. I have learned from it, but the thought that it happened still pops up in my mind. I'm just worried that I'll never be able to forget about it. I'm a worriesome person in nature, so that might be part of it. Out of the few people I asked, they said they wouldn't even stress it. Edited March 21, 2012 by hopelessromantic107
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Rather than beating yourself up about it, i would be patting yourself on the back... this particular cheating flirting and jealousy board is far too full of the negative side of temptation, which is such a sad underpinning cause of so much heartbreak - that to read a thread by someone that effectively said - "I could have done, but i had too much self-respect, and respect for my GF" is a refreshing and heart-warming change. Good on you! however: If i find you on this forum at any future time confessing to a lapse - well, beware the wrath of TaraMaiden!!! :mad: 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Back in the 70s, President Jimmy Carter admitted he had "lust in his heart". He got lambasted by the press for saying that, but he was right. You're always going to be "tempted". Someone who might be more attractive than the one you are with is going to come onto you at some point in your life, and you will want to give in. The real test is how you handle it, whether you really do give into it or whether you do the right thing and say no. I think the way you handled the situation was fine.
Professor X Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Well, you came clean, and quickly, and also, you didn't go through with it all the way. Life is full of temptations and the more you experience them, the easier it will get to put a halt to them sooner. Your friends are right, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, you stopped, before things escalate, so let it go. Perhaps you should go through this section of the forum, see how bad it can really get and how well your situation ended.
nofool4u Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I feel horrendously guilty, and I don't know why. I have never cheated, nor could I ever bring myself to. Maybe its because you did flirt with her and that there was a temptation in the first place. Its good you didn't take it further and deleted the other girl's number. And her getting ticked because you wanted to respect your girlfriend shows what kind of person this other girl is, beyond simply wanting to behave inappropriately and saying your gf doesn't need to know. 1
Chi townD Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Wow! I need to take a picture. An actual stand up guy! Realized that he was heading into troubling waters and put a stop to it. and actually COMMUNICATED what happened to his girlfriend and she forgave him and appreicated the fact that he was honest with her. Dude, you did nothing wrong. The fact that you recongized that it was turning into something wrong and putting a stop to it should be commendable. Don't feel guilty, in fact, be a hero and send a dozen roses to your girlfriend at her work with a card on it thanking her for being understanding. And make sure you send it to her work. I don't know why, but girls like making other girls jealous. "OOHHH...Look what my man did for me!!!"
Author hopelessromantic107 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Maybe its because you did flirt with her and that there was a temptation in the first place. This is probably the main reason, I don't feel very good about it at all. I could never act on it, but it wasn't fair to my significant other still. That is what my pondering has led me to conclude. I'm probably overreacting, and time should wash it away. I've always been hard on myself, and it's looking like an uphill battle with this situation. Thank you for the support everyone who replied, it's helping to reassure me.
make me believe Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 It sounds like you need to be more proactive in setting appropriate boundaries with opposite sex "friends" now that you're in a committed relationship. You DID engage in flirting and online sexual chat with her. That is wrong when you have a girlfriend, you know it was wrong, so you feel guilty. You did the right thing in turning down further contact & deleting her number, but you did still step out of your relationship by flirting & getting sexual with her online. Just learn from this, and in the future.....BOUNDARIES!
silvermercy Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 You handled it well. It was a mistake but that's why mistakes are for. You learn from them. But MAKE SURE you don't repeat them. Because if so, then you WILL have failed. As a side note: what the hell was that female "friend" thinking? She knew you were committed and she tried to tempt you regardless. Says a lot about her character. So, that's great you resisted despite being in the "mood" and also deleted her number! Just remember: no more mistakes again.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Hi, I'm relatively new to these forums, but I was browsing through them and the people seemed to give genuine advice. So here's my predicament. I have been dating my current girlfriend for a few months now. Things are great. I love her very much. The other day, a past friend with benefits that I met online texted me. I replied. I realize that that was my first mistake. The conversation was normal, we were just catching up. Soon, things took a turn and got flirtier (sexual innuendo's, jokes). She then said that she wanted to "sext", and that my girlfriend wouldn't have to find out. I was tempted at first, but shortly after told her no and that I loved my girlfriend. The only reason I was tempted was because she happened to text me when I was horny. She got upset soon after, and I told her that I couldn't talk to her anymore. We did not do anything, but it was very close. Afterwards, I deleted her number and haven't talked to her since. I feel horrendously guilty, and I don't know why. I have never cheated, nor could I ever bring myself to. I have been cheated on before by an ex, so I know what the feeling feels like. I told my girlfriend because I tell her everything. I explained to her what happened exactly. She was very understanding and said it didn't bother her because I didn't cheat. She told me not to feel bad at all. But the incident has been on my mind quite often the past few days, I do not feel as horrible as I did at first, but the thought crosses my mind. I have been thinking and I believe that I feel bad because I was even tempted in the first place, and that I had a lapse of judgement. The girl texted me when I was very "in the mood", so that didn't help. I am open to opinions, and also glad that I did not cheat. I have gotten advice from some close friends, and they said I should move on and not fret over it. But I am also interested in what anyone on here would have to say.. Anything would be appreciated. Thank you. Your post really should go into the Loveshack Hall of Fame (authentic/sincere tone). ... for that simply IS what happens when someone is 'tempted'... and yet 'loyal'. Women do a far more consistent job than men do of taking down the banners and the advertising and turning their attention inward at the point when they enter into an exclusive relationship, and whatever you're calling 'guilt' is something similar to that sense in you having been pierced from outside, if only in your mind. That she was someone with whom you've been intimate in the past, caused her mere 'approach' to already SEEEEEEEEEEEM in your head like 'intimate familiarity' at a time when 'intimate familiarity' wasn't appropriate (given your current relationship). YET, I have to say that SHE was perfectly within her rights to text you (unless you have a restraining/no-contact order for some reason). She was within her rights to converse with you... and she was likely well within her right to WANT TO 'sext' with you... so lets not fault her for some of what you describe. I contend that it wasn't the present... rather, it was the past which causes you to feel this 'guilt' you report. "GUILT" is for somebody who did something WRONG... and the mere combination of reasonable and appropriate-at-the-time behaviors does not become something "wrong" merely for thinking of them all at once and at a different time.
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