who_knew Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Maybe during the relationship, showing you cared for your significant other by doing anything for them may be flattering, but after a breakup all you have is desperation if you're the dumpee. It only seems natural to think that desperation is attractive from a dumpee's standpoint so why doesn't it work? Why do you just have to leave them in the dust for things to be better off? I want to be desperate for her, because isn't that what you should do for someone you love?
Philosoraptor Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Desperation is for the relationship, love is for the person. Just because you want the relationship back doesn't mean that the love for that person doesn't exist. But desperation doesn't help you heal. You need to rid yourself of such an attachment where the other person does not want to be attached to you, as it can only result in pain. This is why when one is hurting they must take care of themselves and do whatever possible to help themselves heal.
Author who_knew Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Desperation is for the relationship, love is for the person. Just because you want the relationship back doesn't mean that the love for that person doesn't exist. But desperation doesn't help you heal. You need to rid yourself of such an attachment where the other person does not want to be attached to you, as it can only result in pain. This is why when one is hurting they must take care of themselves and do whatever possible to help themselves heal. Yea i understand. I shouldn't have to depend on her to make myself happy. I just feel like I WANT her to make me happy, I feel so jaded by this relationship and since its my first I have no perspective on things. I want to be back to normal, I want to feel like i was before. I keep comparing my life to hers and all the things we used to do. I want them back because its so much better than my independent life.
Philosoraptor Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Yea i understand. I shouldn't have to depend on her to make myself happy. I just feel like I WANT her to make me happy, I feel so jaded by this relationship and since its my first I have no perspective on things. I want to be back to normal, I want to feel like i was before. I keep comparing my life to hers and all the things we used to do. I want them back because its so much better than my independent life. First and foremost we need to be able to make ourselves happy. If we find ourselves with someone who doesn't aid to our happiness, then we need to find someone who complements our happiness. If you are looking for a relationship to cover up your life alone then you are getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons and will likely come off as needy. 2
marqueemoon4 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 It was so frustrating having my exW tell me I was acting "desperate" weeks after she left. You damn right I was acting desperate, I didn't want to lose my son and I didn't want to be divorced. I had everything to lose, she didn't. She was applying HS level dating rules to a marriage with a child involved. And she wondered why I was so upset. 1
Author who_knew Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 First and foremost we need to be able to make ourselves happy. If we find ourselves with someone who doesn't aid to our happiness, then we need to find someone who complements our happiness. If you are looking for a relationship to cover up your life alone then you are getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons and will likely come off as needy. You're right. I can't tell if I was covering up my life alone before I met her. I didn't really even think I wanted/needed a relationship, but I wanted to try it out because I hadn't and I begin to love her and loved being with her. I think i became more desperate and jealous throughout the relationship. Could that have been avoided? I believe its the cause of the breakup? I started looking at my own life when I was with her, I didn't enjoy my social life at school. I still don't, I'm trying to fix it but I don't know how and where to start.
Philosoraptor Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 You're right. I can't tell if I was covering up my life alone before I met her. I didn't really even think I wanted/needed a relationship, but I wanted to try it out because I hadn't and I begin to love her and loved being with her. I think i became more desperate and jealous throughout the relationship. Could that have been avoided? I believe its the cause of the breakup? I started looking at my own life when I was with her, I didn't enjoy my social life at school. I still don't, I'm trying to fix it but I don't know how and where to start. What's done is done with her. Just work on yourself and make changes to be happy with your own life. This will help you from following the same path with someone else in the future. 1
Author who_knew Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 What's done is done with her. Just work on yourself and make changes to be happy with your own life. This will help you from following the same path with someone else in the future. The pain will never go away right? I keep waiting for something to change, but I guess I have to make the change myself. I keep procrastinating on Facebook, other sites, loveshack, thinking that there is an answer to my problems. I'm a person who runs to the internet whenever I can't find an answer anywhere else. I guess I keep procrastinating so much that I keep blowing off friends or not actually having any fun or doing what I want. I just have no motivation. It's so easy to read what other people are doing and I feel like my life is pointless right now. I have goals, but what will they get me?
Whisky1981 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 The pain will never go away right? I keep waiting for something to change, but I guess I have to make the change myself. I keep procrastinating on Facebook, other sites, loveshack, thinking that there is an answer to my problems. I'm a person who runs to the internet whenever I can't find an answer anywhere else. I guess I keep procrastinating so much that I keep blowing off friends or not actually having any fun or doing what I want. I just have no motivation. It's so easy to read what other people are doing and I feel like my life is pointless right now. I have goals, but what will they get me? You will get over this. I google everything myself...some things that I read help, some dont. For now focus and believe those that make you feel better. In the meantime youll see that life will get better. Go out with friends, go visit them (especially the ones that know how to confort you...avoid the ones that dont tell you what you want to hear). Join some activites like the gym or dance classess or something you like and involves other people. Time heals everything and everyone so you are no exception my friend. Hang in there! 1
JasonRules Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I want to be desperate for her, because isn't that what you should do for someone you love? You're wrong. People confuse being codependent upon someone as loving them. Towards the end of my relationship I was displaying signs of codependency as opposed to love. People that truly love don't display signs of codependency. For example, my family lives in Europe and sometimes 2 years will go by before I see them. Yet despite this I know that my both my father and mother love me and I love them. There is no codependency on my part as a child to be close to my parents. I can be thousands of miles away from them and I'm fine with that.
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