TILERIUS Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Where to begin? I haven't been on these forums since 2009 or so but here is my story. In August of 2009, I met a girl in facebook from Sweden. At the time, she was 18 and I was 29. I initially wanted nothing to do with her once I realized how young she was as I had dealt with young girl drama in the past but she genuinely was mature for her age. After a few months of getting to know one another via MSN web chats on cam amd a few times talking on the phone, she came to the U.S. in December of 2009. It was all very intense and in the 4 weeks that she was here and spent the holidays with me and friends and family, we became inseparable. It was painful when she had to leave but we stayed in touch and decided to do the long distance thing until she returned for 2 weeks again in May of 2010. When she returned, we traveled a bit, she met more of my friends and family and decided that she wanted to come to the U.S. for college and would live together. After she had already moved here over that summer, I began training to re-enter the Marine Corps to be an officer and so could not get the apartment together as we had originally discussed and so she had to live on campus in the dorms. This was something she did not like at all but we got past it and dealt with it knowing it would be temporary. We have done this now for her first 4 semesters with me picking her up each weekend and spending that time together as well as breaks. Finally, after being given the run around for almost 2 years, the Marine Corps is now no longer an option and so in January of this year, I finally told her that I let that go and so I can now commit to getting a place with her and signing a lease as I won't be leaving when they tell me. She was elated and said that's all she has wanted since we started and how much she loved me. The final week of February, I was en route to pick her up when my transmission died on the highway. I called her and told her I wouldn't be able to get her that weekend and she was a little bummed. It took 3 weeks but I got my car back on March 8th and went to go get her. I met her in the tutor lab as she was hunched over her statistics work and looking distraught. She didn't seem herself and was very cold and distant the whole way back to my apartment. I asked her if something was wrong and she brougbt up an old issue. My employment situation has been precarious as I was working crappy jobs for almost our entire relationship as I was training forthe Marines so money was tight. She needed to go to the doctors once and I had told her it wasn't a problem and I could give her a ride no problem but needed gas money. Aparently because I made it known that I needed gas money but had budgeted money out for Karate she thinks she isn't a priority and was upset. The remainder of tbe weekend, she was very cold and standoffish towards me. She even wanted to leave early to go back to campus (which she never ever does as she hates being there when she doesn't have to be ) because she said she had a lot of studying and work to do before spring break started. So I dropped her off and she ga e me a kiss and said she loved me and that was it. She said she was sorry and would call me in a few days when her work was done. I didn't bother her at all and figured I'd wait to hear from ber as she seemed really stressed about school and other things. She also asked me that if she can only go to one of her transfer schools that are out of state due to funding, would I move with her. I said I want to but that I have to be where I can make money to live on and that it's easier for her because her financial aid will allow her to live independent of a job. I believe she took this as me not caring or willing to give as much as she has which in hindsight I see as a distinct possibility however false. On Wednesday night, one week ago, she calls and asked me what I'm doing. She then says she tried to call me on Sunday night after I left but my phone shows no record but that happens sometimes. She then begins to tell me she doesn't want to do us anymore and that she is no longer happy. She says when I said I was 32 years old and didn't need to explain my budgeting for things to anyone that she just stopped caring. She said to not worry about her (as I was her ride everywhere and always picked her up and dropped her off at the airport for the past 2 years when coming and going from the U.S. and Sweden). This instantly made me suspicious of another guy. I asked calmly several times if she was sure that this is what she wanted. I asked if she loves me and got the whole "feelings have changed" rap. I asked her if there was someone else and she told me no and that she doesn't know where she's gonna be in the fall. I said I had to go and hung up. I immediately went to facebook and she changed her status to single. I was starting to really feel it and was in shock and disbelief. Sure I have said some dumb things but have always been there to support her. Prior to meeting me she wasn't too determined to do much in life. I helped guide and show her how to excel at the community college she goes to so she can transfer to a presitigious institution. Just last month, I was helping her with her transfer applications and essays and helped her compete for tbe Chancellor's Award which was awarded to 2 students out of 4000 at her school. She was one of them amd when she got the notification letter last month, she called me all stoked and told me how I have to be there at the award ceremony. She wanted the 2 most important people to her in America to be there to watch her receive the award, myself and her chinese room mate who is her best friend here. Now, I know I may have said wrong things but on her page she has this quote that says "actions speak louder than words" and after she dumped me, she bolded that quote. After everything I have done, how can she really believe that I have not backed up my feeli gs through actions? So, after some thinking, I visit her chinese friends page on Monday. I blocked my ex so I couldn't see the things she was saying but her room mate said "why the hell are you on campus? Go have fun with Kyle!" This is the same Kyle who became friends with her on March 8th just 6 days before she dumped me. Then her chinese friend posted on her wall "did you guys have a fun weekend?" This is where I really TRULY need good advice. She hasn't deleted all of my friends amd a few have said that her status says single still but I know that's meaningless. She was just saying last month how she wanted nothing more than to live with me for 2 years and now shes all about this guy? She couldn't even be honest when I asked if there was another AND she broke up with me after 2.5 years over the phone. I'm really tore up. Its been seven days and I haven't texted or called or anything. Did me not trying to tell her that I love her and want us to be together inadvertently confirm her suspicions that she put more into this than I and into his arms? Should I try to sit her down and tell her precisely how I feel? I know everyone says NC right away but her fears were that I didn't care as much as her. I feel that after a week of NC, maybe that's just making her realize that she was right. I didn't protest when she dumped me on the phone. I was remembering from prior relationships to accept it and they will be confused by vanishing from their lives. I am truly lost here. Pathetic I know being a 32 year old man being dumped by his soon to be 21 year old ex. Please forum members...give me a wise course of action. I love her. Can she really be with this guy already after being stoked at the prospect of moving in with me finally after 2 years only a month ago??? HELP ME I IMPLORE YOU.
Philosoraptor Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Ok, first she's young and from another country. There is your first bit of stress. Next, she seems needy and unrealistic. Third, she is going to be dating this guy soon as she was already attracted to him and was developing feelings for him. This is why such a small issue such as your "budgeting" was enough of a reason to justify the distance. You obviously can take care of yourself but you're not failing to make her a priority by taking care of yourself. I'm sure you budgeted enough for you to be happy, and the lack of shared finances make it truly not her concern. She wanted you to do something and expected you to fund it as well. She was grasping at whatever she could to make you the bad guy. Heal up and move on.
Chi townD Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Yep! she was looking for any excuse to get annoyed and dump you. But, really? I mean you met her when she was 18 and you 29. Did you really see this going the long haul? I do agree, if she had the balls to dump you, she should have had the balls to tell you there's someone else. You could call her on that, but I think she would just continue to lie to you stating, "He's just a friend." Uh huh. Or even, "We're not together anymore, it's none of your business who I hang out with." How frickin convenient! Guilt might get to her (but I highly doubt it because she's young and immature.) and she might reach out to you to see where your head is at. I would ignore it.
Author TILERIUS Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Sorry to sound so weak guys and usually I'm not. I know I know with the age thing. I dismissed it then gave it a shot and guess what? It bit me in the a$$ so I get it. I fell in love and shouldn't have. I'm a fool and I should have known better.
Philosoraptor Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Sorry to sound so weak guys and usually I'm not. I know I know with the age thing. I dismissed it then gave it a shot and guess what? It bit me in the a$$ so I get it. I fell in love and shouldn't have. I'm a fool and I should have known better. You're only a fool if you learn nothing. It's a painful learning experience and we all go through them.
Chi townD Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Sorry to sound so weak guys and usually I'm not. I know I know with the age thing. I dismissed it then gave it a shot and guess what? It bit me in the a$$ so I get it. I fell in love and shouldn't have. I'm a fool and I should have known better. Dude, we're not giving you a hard time about the age thing. There are people that have big age difference and do just fine. However, those are few and far inbetween. There's nothing wrong with falling in love. There's everything wrong with being lied to. That's what happened to you. She ditched you for someone else and then lied to you about it. That's not the kind of person you deserve. And you don't deserve to be treated that way.
CaliBabe Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Sorry to sound so weak guys and usually I'm not. I know I know with the age thing. I dismissed it then gave it a shot and guess what? It bit me in the a$$ so I get it. I fell in love and shouldn't have. I'm a fool and I should have known better. Tilerius, Don't be so hard on yourself. You realize it and now you know better and can work on being better.
Author TILERIUS Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 She's really done isn't she? She's not coming back?
CaliBabe Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 No one can predict the future and tell you an honest answer. At this point it would be in your best interest to accept that it probably is over and for you to start healing and moving on with your life. You will find love again. Have faith.
Chi townD Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I would say yes. And do you know what? Now is the time to get your revenge! The best revenge is living your life well! Go back to school yourself! I think you wrote that you were trying for OCS for the Marines, so either you have your degree or you're close to it. Then go to grad school! Get your mind focused on school rather than her. Continue to go to the gym. Work out your frustrations. Look for a better paying job! Change your hairstyle and buy a new wardrobe! AND TRAVEL!!! Grab some buddies and plan a trip that you've always wanted to go on. Save your money for the trip and.....go! Deep sea fishing in the Florida Keys! White water rafting in West Virginia. Backpacking trip to Europe! Just do it! 1
Author TILERIUS Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Thanks guys. I truly appreciate your words. I'm just a little hurt and grieving right now. I really thought this one was going to go the distance (we watched that movie together) but if she can drop 2.5 years like that for this (don't mean to offend anyone) redneck-looking/Jared from Subway hybrid, then what the hell can I do?
Chi townD Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 redneck-looking/Jared from Subway hybrid, then what the hell can I do? Get your revenge...live a good life. Look, My story was a little different and many years ago. But the girl I was supposed to marry cheated on me. When I caught her. She told me I was unmotivated, never going to college, loser, working dead end jobs and going nowhere in life. And she was going with someone that had goals in life. I was devestated and in a major funk until a friend of mine pulled me on a train and spent a weekend in St. Louis. When I got back, I got motivated. I started working out. I did end up in College and a LOT of it. I found I loved the challenge of it. During breaks I would travel, go places and see new things. Meet new people along the way. I got a job after I graduated and became successful in my field and career and I met my wife along the way. A very beautiful and professional woman that has a heart ten times greater than my Ex. I own my own house in the burbs with a nice car and my wife shares my passion for travel. I've been on every continent except for two. I've seen most of the world and I want to see the rest of it! What happened to my Ex? Last I heard was she ended up married to the guy she cheated on me with. But, He was in College and had to transfer to the University of I'm pregnant and you need to get a job. I believe he became an ambulance driver. So, I proved her wrong. I have a good life. I got my revenge. 2
Author TILERIUS Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 Day 43 of NC as of this morning. Nothing from me, nothing from her. NC definitely helps. Keep moving forward friends. :-)
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