noddingyes Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Let me preface by saying I love my girl tremendously and have never been happier in my whole life. I also feel more love from her than I've ever felt and we have a fantastic relationship. I guess when you have that, the little things may seem larger than they should, hence this question. I'm in an LDR and make frequent (every three months or so) trips across the country to see my SO. She is divorced with two kids but has a high paying job (she makes more than I do) but yet is often strapped because though she makes good money, the area she lives in is very expensive and her kids go to private school (half paid for by her ex). She pays her own mortgage and she receives no child support (they have joint custody) nor alimony from her ex. When I travel there (in the nearly 3 years we've been together, she's come out to me twice, and I paid for the second trip) I pay my own airfare, pay for all hotels/accommodations, pay for all meals and extras. I do this happily because I happen to have more disposable income. I've also helped her out financially when she's been in a jam a few times. Not huge sums, a few hundred dollars here and there. In my opinion, she not usually financially irresponsible although I think she indulges her kids a little more than she should, but it's not my place to say how she parents. She's a great mom. When the new iPad2 came out last week, she bought one. Just on a whim; she'd never mentioned wanting one to me previously. I found out when she emailed me and at the bottom it said "sent from my iPad". She did that on purpose of course as a way of telling me she'd gotten one. When I asked if she'd bought one (as opposed to using a coworkers) she said "Yes! I was buying one for [her boss] and just got caught up! I told everyone here [at work] that you bought if for me!" presumably because she was embarrassed to admit she'd spent her own money on it. Ok, the question: Am I right in feeling a little resentful that she'd pay $600 for this toy when I front all the money for everything we do together? Back in December, we were going to split the cost of accommodation for my visit then a week prior to my flying out, she asked if I could pay for some of her half because she was short on money. Of course I happily did. True, she financed the iPad so she's paying a little each month rather than the whole thing at once, but it still irks me that she couldn't set some of that cash aside and offer to pay something of our joint expenses when I visit. So what do you think? Also, I've not said much about the new toy although she's obviously excited to have it. When she mentions it I usually comment briefly or not at all. It's probably too late to say anything about it now, but I'd still like your opinions on this.
Philosoraptor Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Talk to her about it, she may understand and want to change her financial strategy. But if she doesn't, and you two are just financially incompatible, you have to decide if it is something you could live with forever or not.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 ... what are your long term plans with her? Are you two going to move to the same area ever? Personally, it wouldn't bother me to pay for myself in those situations. I don't think you are the type of guy to normally be bothered by that either. Is there maybe something else going on that has you on edge?
zengirl Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Alone? It doesn't seem like an issue to get twisted up about. It seems the primary reason she has less money than you to spend on travel is the kids, not her excessive buying habits. I mean, splurging on one iPad once and awhile when you make a decent amount. . . doesn't seem an issue. I get why the distance makes it seem bigger, since you want to see her and finances stop that sometimes. It sounds to me (and I could be wrong) that you more want to see that she values the relationship than see her spend her money on her 1/2 of your relationship expenses --- that it's not so much the money but what the money MEANS. In that case, I would really think and try to see if you feel like she is invested in this relationship and giving you the overall effort you deserve and address it if you feel she is not. Basically, if it's just an iPad, it's probably a little bit of an overreaction to be upset but it's normal to feel a little disconnected during a LDR and worry that an iPad is something more. Only searching your own feelings helps, really.
Author noddingyes Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 She has admitted it was a dumb thing to do - buy this thing. At first, but now she seems happy with her decision. I don't know, if I was going to question her decision I think the time to do it has passed. As far as long term goal - yes, we plan to be together eventually. It's complicated now with kids, hers and mine, and our ex's. I can live with it and in the grand scheme it's not a big deal I guess. I really don't mind footing the bill for our time together. I just hope she thinks twice before complaining about not having enough money the next time her car's in the shop! Thank you for your responses.
Dust Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Why are you in and LDR going on 3 years? At what point do you close the gap. I mean is it just easier for you to be in LDR's becaue I know a guy like that. This is how she is. She will always be strapped for cash. She will always need you to pay more. Things might change when the kids grow up. She just isn't budgeting for you. If you're just going to get angry every time she buys something expensive you should probably dump her. If I were you I would dump her for many reason. I don't like dating women with children since I have none. I don't like LDR's especialy ones that go on for years. Finaly I don't like a woman who expects me to pay for everything. In the long run though you like this LDR. The fact she has children doesn't bother you. You have been paying for her. I don't think things will change you are valid in deciding to go with this or leave. It's up to you. I don't think she will change and will always ask you to pay more then half.
Author noddingyes Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Zengirl - yes, more what the money means I believe. I know she is very thankful I come out there and for the help I've given her. The LDR does make things more complicated than they would be, financially and otherwise. Thank you; something to think about.
Author noddingyes Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Dust - I don't like the LDR, neither she nor I do. But the good outweighs the bad by far. The gap will be closed; we have plans. let me stress again, I don't mind paying for everything when it comes to us, I just wish she'd thought ahead a little more in this instance. Not a huge deal, I was just seeking opinion and I appreciate yours.
Dust Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Dust - I don't like the LDR, neither she nor I do. But the good outweighs the bad by far. The gap will be closed; we have plans. let me stress again, I don't mind paying for everything when it comes to us, I just wish she'd thought ahead a little more in this instance. Not a huge deal, I was just seeking opinion and I appreciate yours. Well I'd be upset too but sometimes theres nothing you can do. She should make more of an effort with the money but she won't. At the same time its really hard to find some one you care about after 3 years who you arn't fighting about bigger issues over... you know stuff like "we never have sex anymore" "you're abusive" "we fight all the time over nothing" "cheating!" etc. So you take the good with the bad and put it in perspective.
Author noddingyes Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Take the good with the bad and put it in perspective - sage advice indeed. Thank you, Dust.
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