Looking for some guidance

[BM1091]

In need of some serious advice on this one...it's been bugging me for quite awhile:

 

My wife and I met around 5 years ago at a mutual friend's cookout (I was 19, she was 20) and we immediately hit it off. After just a few dates, we decided to start dating each other exclusively, and it wasn't long after that we got an apartment together. We got married back in the spring of '09, and for the longest time there never was any doubt in my mind that we were meant to be together.

 

It wasn't long after we were married that I received a great job offer. Unfortunately, the swing shift hours are literally all over the place, and half the time I'm at work through the night, leaving her to sleep all by herself.

 

One particular morning, I got off of work and came home and got on our computer to check my e-mail before hitting the bed. She had forgotten to log out and I noticed a message she had received a few nights before from a guy's name I didn't recognize. Upon opening it, I basically got an eye-full of some random guy's privates.

 

Initially I told myself it had to be a spam email of some sort, but now my mind was wandering in a million different directions. I checked her "sent" box and saw she too had sent a picture or two, along with a short clip she had recorded with her cell phone of her masturbating. I felt sick. I didn't know whether to cry, punch a hole in the wall, or throw up. It was seriously the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life.

 

I checked all the other folders including her trash and found one particular full-on conversation the two of them had about one week prior. Judging by the email, I could tell nothing physical had happened as of yet, but the way they were talking sex was basically not a matter of "if" anymore, but a matter of "when". What scared me more than anything was the "what if's". What if I hadn't came across those emails when I did? How much longer would just talking about it go on before it became a reality.

 

I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me. Like I was about to have some kind of emotional breakdown. I wasn't really angry so much as just in a state of shock. It was all too much to take in at once.

 

I immediately confronted her about it. We talked for hours about the whole thing, and I came so close to just calling it all quits right then. At the same time, I realize just how easy it would be for a human being to stray...even in the slightest. If a girl I used to talk to came along and was saying the right things to me, I might have very well been in the same exact situation.

 

I decided we would try and work through it best we could. I didn't want to lose her or what we had, but I knew it would be a struggle, and for me it has been.

 

Let me just point out that my wife is a really good person, and anyone who has the pleasure of knowing her would never believe she'd have done what she did. Believe me, if someone had told me everything the two of them talked about, and I hadn't seen it all with my own eyes, I wouldn't have been able to believe a word of it. She's got a really good heart, and she's been nothing but an outstanding wife to me throughout the marriage. She made a big mistake, and I forgave her for it. I don't want it to seem like I'm bashing her outright. I do love her...more than anything, but I've basically hit a huge bump in the road.

 

For the first few months after it happened, we were closer than we've ever been. I guess both of us realized just what all we almost lost that day, and it ended up bringing us closer. Around November however, a feeling hit me like a ton of bricks: I didn't want to be married anymore.

 

I never had any reason not to trust her before that incident, and deep down I trust she wouldn't do it again. It just feels like there's a huge hole in the relationship where something used to be, and it worries me that I'll never reach it again.

 

What's so bad is that I'll go a few weeks and feel on top of the world about the relationship, and then the next week, I'm telling myself I want to be single again....and that's just it: I do want to be single again. Not because of another female, not because she's a poor spouse, but because I want to experience what it's like to be on your own. Lately I've just had this powerful urge to break it off, and I know a big part of it is over what happened last year, but it's more than that.

 

A part of me feels like we're just too young to be married right now and we should be focusing more on ourselves for the time being. I also see the other side of it, and I see how much we've come to depend on one another, and just how much we love each other, and that's a lot to lose. I almost feel like either way I go, I'm going to have regrets down the road. I'd hate to look back 5 years from now and be completely out of love, and think I should've ended it then. On the other hand though, it scares me that if we do split up, I'll look back and say it was one of the dumbest things I ever did.

 

I just feel so trapped right now, and I honestly don't know what to do. I already told her about these feelings back in January of this year, but we worked through them and up until about a week ago everything's been fine. Now however, I'm right back where I started having those same feelings. I don't want to keep talking about it with her because it's not fair to her to keep bringing up the past and beating her up for her mistakes and that's basically why I'm here. This is my last resort, and I'm hoping someone here who has been through something similar can offer some helpful advice. I'm seriously on my last leg over the whole thing.

 

Sorry for the ridiculously long post. I tend to ramble a lot when I try to type lengthy posts, and by the looks of it I did just that, haha.

 

Thank you all.

Edited March 21, 2012 by BM1091

[2sunny]

Counseling could help.

 

The thing is - you are making excuses for your wife's bad behavior. She may be a good person and have a good heart - but her behavior is inexcusable - yet you are just acting like you overlooked it.

 

She has a lot of repair work to do. It's not a simple quick fix. It's very difficult.

 

SHE needs to find out WHY she considered cheating - what is broken inside her that she would risk you and your M for that guy.

 

And YOU should be MAD! Yep - you have a right to that! She totally betrayed you - yet you type as though you are making excuses FOR HER! Stop that! SHE did it - it is HERS to own! It is hers to do the work necessary to repair the damage SHE caused!

 

If she's not - then the M won't heal... It will mainly look like it does now - empty. That's because she isn't trustworthy. When there's no trust - there's no relationship to build upon.

 

She needs to EARN your trust back. Did she end it with OM? Did she show complete transparency? How did she meet him? Does she stay busy with work? IF he works with her - she needs to quit TODAY and find another job.

 

She needs to be willing to DO anything different to earn your trust.

 

Is she accountable for her time?

 

And google hysterical bonding - you may be experiencing that when you feel close - and then something else is creeping in when you experience the negative energy. What is SHE doing during that time? What is different that creates that negative energy? Can you identify what that feels like for you? What is her reaction? Is she comforting, angry, patient and tolerant? Is she short and dismissive? What is it?

 

Either way, the excuses you describe should NEVER be enough to justify cheating - so stop minimizing it for her. Anyone can sleep alone - it doesn't make someone WANT to cheat! It's her character (or lack of) that is the issue here!

 

Good luck. Hugs

[BM1091]

Thanks for the response 2sunny, I really appreciate it. It feels good to have other people who can relate to talk to about it.

 

Believe me, I'm with you 110%. I do feel like at times that I'm making excuses for the whole situation. I realize how easy it would be for me to screw up in the same manner, but either way you're exactly right, it's inexcusable and I know that.

 

The whole ordeal affected both of us tremendously but she got through it much quicker than I did. I always felt like it affected me on a much greater scale though, and that's bothered me in a way. She completely cut off talking to him. After we decided we would try and make it a year ago, we both decided to delete our Facebooks completely (how she "ran into" him in the first place) and our marriage in all other aspects has been just fine. He was a boy she met in her first year of college (before we met) and they dated very briefly. She said they originally were talking because he had a question about rooming with a person she used to be good friends with and was wondering if she'd basically put in a good word for him and in all honesty I remember that happening one evening that I was at home, so that much of it was true. It started out innocent enough, I guess.

 

After that, I assume they started casually talking and well...one thing led to another, I guess. He lives about 20 miles away from here, and as far as her spare time, I'm certain she's not up to any kind of foul play. I know she's sorry for what she did and wants this marriage to work as much as I do, but I know she doesn't realize just how close we are to teetering right off the edge.

 

She can usually tell when it's bothering me without me even saying it, and I can tell it scares her. I think in a way she knows deep down exactly what's going through my mind.

 

I read about "Hysterical Bonding" and it's amazing just how closely the whole article I've read over follows how I'm feeling.

 

Usually I begin to go back to the negative feelings with I'm at work. Most of the time when I'm on a back shift (7 pm - 7am) where you basically have a lot of quiet time to just think and reflect on things. Usually it's like a little seed gets planted at first. I start thinking about what happened and before I know it it's blown into full proportions and I'm thinking about how great the "single life" sounds. I actually spent part of last night thinking over what in the world I would even tell my family/friends/co-workers/etc. if we were to split up. It's absolutely crazy, I know, but it's exactly what steps my mind goes through.

 

There were several nights last winter when I was basically ready to go home and tell her we were through and that I couldn't get over what had happened, and I'd get home in the morning, and there she'd be with her sleepy face and her hair stuck up in a million different directions greeting me at the door with a hug, and it's like I'd remember all the reasons why I love her.

 

It's seriously driving me crazy.

Edited March 21, 2012 by BM1091

[2sunny]

She needs to do much more work.

 

It's still hurting you. You still don't totally trust her. If she was effectively repairing the damage she caused - shed be capable of telling you why she cheated...what was broken about her, and what she plans to DO to fix that part of her. Then what she plans to do to change her role in your marriage.

 

IF she's not doing all of those things with 290% of HER effort and energy - she's not doing enough!

 

It's for HER to fix HER!

 

And your gut triggers you while you are working because she's probably still communicating with him at that time, on some level. The gut NEVER lies!

[standtall]

5 yrs, no kids, no joint property, and she is already cheating on you in every way but the actual deal? Ask yourself if she is worth the effort and heartache to fix the marriage..if yes, then get to work, if not, then cut your losses and divorce her.

[maybealone]

At the same time, I realize just how easy it would be for a human being to stray...even in the slightest. If a girl I used to talk to came along and was saying the right things to me, I might have very well been in the same exact situation.

 

My apologies if I am being too abrupt, but this -- to me - sounds like the marriage had problems long before she took any action. And while I know that only the cheater is responsible for their actions, oftentimes those actions come after the marriage has been in trouble for a while. (Not making excuses, just putting that out there.)

 

If you want this marriage to work, I'd go to MC and IC. Yes, she has to fix the part of her that cheated, but IMO you both still have to fix what's wrong in the marriage. And while a little part of it might have to do with the hours you work, what you both do in nonworking hours is what really counts.

[The Blue Knight]

In need of some serious advice on this one...it's been bugging me for quite awhile:

 

My wife and I met around 5 years ago at a mutual friend's cookout (I was 19, she was 20) and we immediately hit it off. After just a few dates, we decided to start dating each other exclusively, and it wasn't long after that we got an apartment together. We got married back in the spring of '09, and for the longest time there never was any doubt in my mind that we were meant to be together.

 

It wasn't long after we were married that I received a great job offer. Unfortunately, the swing shift hours are literally all over the place, and half the time I'm at work through the night, leaving her to sleep all by herself.

 

One particular morning, I got off of work and came home and got on our computer to check my e-mail before hitting the bed. She had forgotten to log out and I noticed a message she had received a few nights before from a guy's name I didn't recognize. Upon opening it, I basically got an eye-full of some random guy's privates.

 

Initially I told myself it had to be a spam email of some sort, but now my mind was wandering in a million different directions. I checked her "sent" box and saw she too had sent a picture or two, along with a short clip she had recorded with her cell phone of her masturbating. I felt sick. I didn't know whether to cry, punch a hole in the wall, or throw up. It was seriously the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life.

 

I checked all the other folders including her trash and found one particular full-on conversation the two of them had about one week prior. Judging by the email, I could tell nothing physical had happened as of yet, but the way they were talking sex was basically not a matter of "if" anymore, but a matter of "when". What scared me more than anything was the "what if's". What if I hadn't came across those emails when I did? How much longer would just talking about it go on before it became a reality.

 

I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me. Like I was about to have some kind of emotional breakdown. I wasn't really angry so much as just in a state of shock. It was all too much to take in at once.

 

I immediately confronted her about it. We talked for hours about the whole thing, and I came so close to just calling it all quits right then. At the same time, I realize just how easy it would be for a human being to stray...even in the slightest. If a girl I used to talk to came along and was saying the right things to me, I might have very well been in the same exact situation.

 

I decided we would try and work through it best we could. I didn't want to lose her or what we had, but I knew it would be a struggle, and for me it has been.

 

Let me just point out that my wife is a really good person, and anyone who has the pleasure of knowing her would never believe she'd have done what she did. Believe me, if someone had told me everything the two of them talked about, and I hadn't seen it all with my own eyes, I wouldn't have been able to believe a word of it. She's got a really good heart, and she's been nothing but an outstanding wife to me throughout the marriage. She made a big mistake, and I forgave her for it. I don't want it to seem like I'm bashing her outright. I do love her...more than anything, but I've basically hit a huge bump in the road.

 

For the first few months after it happened, we were closer than we've ever been. I guess both of us realized just what all we almost lost that day, and it ended up bringing us closer. Around November however, a feeling hit me like a ton of bricks: I didn't want to be married anymore.

 

I never had any reason not to trust her before that incident, and deep down I trust she wouldn't do it again. It just feels like there's a huge hole in the relationship where something used to be, and it worries me that I'll never reach it again.

 

What's so bad is that I'll go a few weeks and feel on top of the world about the relationship, and then the next week, I'm telling myself I want to be single again....and that's just it: I do want to be single again. Not because of another female, not because she's a poor spouse, but because I want to experience what it's like to be on your own. Lately I've just had this powerful urge to break it off, and I know a big part of it is over what happened last year, but it's more than that.

 

A part of me feels like we're just too young to be married right now and we should be focusing more on ourselves for the time being. I also see the other side of it, and I see how much we've come to depend on one another, and just how much we love each other, and that's a lot to lose. I almost feel like either way I go, I'm going to have regrets down the road. I'd hate to look back 5 years from now and be completely out of love, and think I should've ended it then. On the other hand though, it scares me that if we do split up, I'll look back and say it was one of the dumbest things I ever did.

 

I just feel so trapped right now, and I honestly don't know what to do. I already told her about these feelings back in January of this year, but we worked through them and up until about a week ago everything's been fine. Now however, I'm right back where I started having those same feelings. I don't want to keep talking about it with her because it's not fair to her to keep bringing up the past and beating her up for her mistakes and that's basically why I'm here. This is my last resort, and I'm hoping someone here who has been through something similar can offer some helpful advice. I'm seriously on my last leg over the whole thing.

 

Sorry for the ridiculously long post. I tend to ramble a lot when I try to type lengthy posts, and by the looks of it I did just that, haha.

 

Thank you all.

It's a roll of the dice BM1091. You answered your own question somewhat. Either way, you could end up with regrets. I wish you would have added more detail explaining what her excuse was for the sex talk via email. That would help give a bit more insight into what she was thinking a year ago.

 

Side note: I'm sure others will disagree, but I don't buy this "we were so young when we got married" excuse that's so common today. Three generations ago, couples married right out of high school and didn't have the divorce rate that we have today. They just had a different idea of commitment in those days and managed to work through the good and the bad.

 

By the way. Everyone feels strongly about their spouse at times and at others, more passive about them. That ebb and flow is emotionally normal. The thought of wanting to leave and be single again isn't, but that's a different issue all together.