just contacted ex-BF...said he's seeing someone but something's fishy

[OffandOnStillinLove]

Hello Group,

Wow, Ive just stumbled upon this site, it is something I wish I found a while back.. IVe read thru many threads and lots of your advice is good/sounds like it's solid advice...

Here's my problem/delimna:

 

I hate to admit how long Ive been off and on with this x-boyfriend, but let's just say it's off and on for over a decade... The "off" part was for about 4 yrs. Then, we re-connect thru some msn chat...the short version is we spoke for about 4 months, just friendly stuff, somewhat flirty, then from June to November 2011 we hung out a lot - bike rides, coffee, talking about heart-felt stuff but all the while "just ffiends" and I was sooo happy I thought I was finally over him. IT took me years. So I felt I was "safe" to be friends again, right? well, holy crap... here's what happened:

 

Around mid-October, after lots of good chats, hanging out, connecting as friends but with an intimacy of "deep conversations" [which is ok b/c neither of us expected it to go anywhere]... I started feeling for him again! I'm not SURPRISED per-say, I'm just shocked that after almost half a year, it popped up kinda suddenly....So, i tell him I can't hang out and the feelings came back- huge bummer but I felt it was the best thing to do... SO THEN [sorry this is so dang long] so then, I'm bummed and realizing I did still love him, yadda yadda, just like all the other stories you've heard. And about 2 months go by, its WAY HARD, and he calls and texts me with some "random info" he wants to give me [ not relevant what it was] I thank him for the info, but then about 15 minutes after that phone convo and the info, he texts about if Im really sticking to the "no talking/ hanging out " idea, and I said "yes, but its hard ,and I still care about you, and since that isn't mutual it seems best to not be firends"

But he and I talk on the phone for an hour that same night, b/c the way I ended it was very "abrupt", so we ended very "civily" if that is a word , and he invited me to a birthday event he was having- I went and said hello and hung out a bit with a big group, and we chatted for a bit, no biggie, but it felt sad.

Ok, so THEN.... in mid march [ now] we've sent a couple sarcastic sms/ texts to each other and we just sort of "patched it up" and laughed it off and I just like the idea of ending on "good terms"... SO, out of no where I get this horribly sad feeling the last couple days, - SO I CALLED HIM YESTERDAY, and as Im telling him " I hate the idea that I cant be friends and Im afraid to try ot be friends b/c if I get attached etc, its not good" He agrees, says he misses me and kept seeing my name in his phone and thought "I want to hang out, I value her, miss the companionship, want to keep in touch, I care etc"

So, I asked him what would he do if he were me? Stupid question I know, but Im trying to see his view on all of it...

He tells me, in a strange way, that "Well, I dont see us dating in the future, or I dont konw but I dont think so" and I KNOW this already, so I'm wondering why he was so much more "soft and vague" on the topic, but then he says he STARTED SEEEING SOMEONE a few months ago??! And I'm thinking, "then why did you sometimes still text me, or email, or anything?" I calculated on the calendar, he met her a couple days after that last time I saw him, just a few days after the "are you sure about not hanging out" text... Oh Crap!!

I feel like a knife was thru my heart - but I just said "Oh wow, well it's better to know right up front than to find out later and that would be more sad" but really it was sad NOW too....

I said "well ask her if it doesnt bother her - I dont want to break up what might be becoming serious" and he said "Its ok, Im an adult, I can do what I want"..........whow, doesn't sound like a good answer to me [or healthy]...

Sorry for this HUGE story, but it's good to explain it all - MY QUESTION IS:

 

Why is he still sometimes reaching out to me every few weeks [ even since the january b-day thing] and why does he feel that our "connection" that he said- point blank- is so rare and valuable, is not worth being with? But he'll try something new with another?

Also, if he's not into me, why does he want to remain friends? Is his whole "I met someone " story some PUA crap video he learned on youtube for pissing off an ex, or is it true? Why would he tell me I mean something to him and why does he miss me, yet he is with someone else? He told her about me, he said, just sounds weird suspicious... Should I go with my gut on this?

 

Im sort of afraid to ask all this, b/c some of the posts by men have sounded like they enjoy hurting their ex, so I dont know if this , being by a woman, will be well-received or not, but I hope it can be responded to without sarcasm, this is my first post, pls give me a chance and some slack <3 thanks....

[Eddie Edirol]

Why is he still sometimes reaching out to me every few weeks [ even since the january b-day thing] and why does he feel that our "connection" that he said- point blank- is so rare and valuable, is not worth being with? But he'll try something new with another?

Also, if he's not into me, why does he want to remain friends? Is his whole "I met someone " story some PUA crap video he learned on youtube for pissing off an ex, or is it true? Why would he tell me I mean something to him and why does he miss me, yet he is with someone else? He told her about me, he said, just sounds weird suspicious... Should I go with my gut on this?

 

I dont think hes reaching out to you for a special connection. I think he's bored, horny, lonely, and just wants to get laid, and knows that by telling you just enough of what you want to hear, he can eventually get to sleep with you. (e.g. "your connection")

 

Your connection isnt worth being with because he still knows your incompatibility. He doesnt want to talking about commmiting to a relationship, because he doesnt want that. He'll try it with another, because of the mystery of whether or not it will work.

 

He probably really met someone, its not PUA crap, which could be why he isnt really trying with you. If it is PUA crap, its working.

 

I suspect he just wants to hit and run when hes bored, so if your gut says dont do it, I think you shouldnt, especially since you already feel yourself getting attached.

[OffandOnStillinLove]

I dont think hes reaching out to you for a special connection. I think he's bored, horny, lonely, and just wants to get laid, and knows that by telling you just enough of what you want to hear, he can eventually get to sleep with you. (e.g. "your connection")

 

Your connection isnt worth being with because he still knows your incompatibility. He doesnt want to talking about commmiting to a relationship, because he doesnt want that. He'll try it with another, because of the mystery of whether or not it will work.

 

He probably really met someone, its not PUA crap, which could be why he isnt really trying with you. If it is PUA crap, its working.

 

I suspect he just wants to hit and run when hes bored, so if your gut says dont do it, I think you shouldnt, especially since you already feel yourself getting attached.

 

we havent slept together for years, sounds crazy but true - since we're just platonic, and I thot I could handle this, but then wanted more in the last month or so... this IS the ood part, he isn't looking for a hook up, maybe Im just his "buddy"?

[OffandOnStillinLove]

we havent slept together for years, sounds crazy but true - since we're just platonic, and I thot I could handle this, but then wanted more in the last month or so... this IS the ood part, he isn't looking for a hook up, maybe Im just his "buddy"?

 

than kyo ufor response thou ... not sure how to re-respond, sorry not used to the buttons here

[Eddie Edirol]

we havent slept together for years, sounds crazy but true - since we're just platonic, and I thot I could handle this, but then wanted more in the last month or so... this IS the ood part, he isn't looking for a hook up, maybe Im just his "buddy"?

 

Guys dont want a "buddy" when they are single, they want to get laid and have a woman who wants to do it with him, alot. Then theres the other guys who want full relationships. If a guy is single, he is looking for one of those, not a buddy. A female buddy is not fun when youre not getting laid.

 

He could be saying he's not looking for a hookup, just to make you want him more, which would make you pounce on him eventually if he teased you enough. Even if he wanted to hang with you platonically, you cant handle it, so I suggest you cut him off permanently. if he really wanted to hang with you platonically, it means hes not sexually attracted to you anymore. Is that what you want?

[OffandOnStillinLove]

Guys dont want a "buddy" when they are single, they want to get laid and have a woman who wants to do it with him, alot. Then theres the other guys who want full relationships. If a guy is single, he is looking for one of those, not a buddy. A female buddy is not fun when youre not getting laid.

 

He could be saying he's not looking for a hookup, just to make you want him more, which would make you pounce on him eventually if he teased you enough. Even if he wanted to hang with you platonically, you cant handle it, so I suggest you cut him off permanently.

 

So, youre saying 99% of time its not platonic? Well, then this is the 1% that is - and we used to be sexually "together" for yrs, but its been yrs with him... seriously, I know youre saying most guys have only this on their mind, but he really really doesnt with me. Im not ugly, in case that is crossing your ming, I mean, other guys pick up on me, but he just isn't interested - odd , huh? WEll, thanks and I didnt really want THIS to be the topic, but instead to ask why would he still want to hang out? There's got to be another reason, b/c 100% he doesn't want sex with me - - haha, no he's not gay, if that is your next thought - hey, i appreciate what youve said tho, and thx for taking the time to respond above ... Im just clueless then, b/c there IS no answer for my situation, if the only "rotary" answer is. "he wants sex" ... then, this must be the exception, b/c Im SURe he doesnt, he said he lost that type of feeling for me [ he said HE doenst even know why he has lost that feeling ] oh well, guess it is just a mystery

[dev781]

Go read my past threads. I value friendship move than I value romance with my ex (even tho I have feelings for her) I wouldn't want to loose her as a friend and because of different circumstances we can't be together (We've known each other for years). So it is possible that he wants to keep the friendship because he really does care but does not feel like it is possible to date you.

 

As for the other comment before mine. Most of my closest friends are women and it is 100% platonic. It is fun to be around women and you learn a lot from them. And being around them attracts more of them (in my case). And I'm not gay.

[robertmathis1026]

Maybe both of you are still in love, but don't expect too much

 

Are you SUFFERING THE PAIN, because your ex DUMP you? Can You imagine, if you can make your ex BEGGING TO BACK WITH YOU? click here to make it HAPPEN!!

[OffandOnStillinLove]

thank you- Dev 781 ....I just saw this today- yes, maybe he does value the friendship - Im learning some new things about the "relationship" - he was either lying, or is just the same old commitment phobic person, b/c today I was floating thru a new dating site, just to see the people in my area, and guess who I found there? [yea, him two days after telling me he's in a relationship] so, wow, that was an eye-opener of how he is still in a sick place, or doesn;t value fidelity, etc... anyway, Ill go read your posts to see what you said.. Im too heartbroken to be friends now, but an occasional emial would be ok, but hanging out would be a knife in my heart... but yea, I value the friendship too and know what you mean by that comment thx!