Leigh 87 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 My boyfriends father has skin cancer, melanoma, the worst type. He got it cut out several months ago ( from his foot). He is fine, he just had to use crutches for a month or less. Unfortunately, it has spread to one of his lympth..... On the 27th he is getting one or both of his lymph removed from his groin. How do I support my boyfriend? I want people who have lost someone or who have been in a similar position, to tell me what feels best, in terms of how your partner can provide support? His mother has already died. He was 23. It was sudden, and they were extremely close. The cancer could turn up at any time, in an place of his body now, but I am hoping that does not happen. Neither of us are thinking about dealing with death at all yet... We haver not seriously changed the way we think about it, we are just hoping it will be okay. I am very loving and give him a lot of hugs. I am very huggy - In bed we hug tightly, and I have a thing where I love hugging him a lot. He loves my attention. Should I just give him a lot og hugs like usual? Without advice, I would assume the best way to go about it would be to just HUG him, like usual, and say " I love u and care about u" What are things I should be prepared for? He may want to be alone more, or he may need me. WHen his mother died, he used his ex to help him deal with it, she was overseas, but he messaged her daily and she was his main support.
hotloader Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I want people who have lost someone or who have been in a similar position, to tell me what feels best, in terms of how your partner can provide support? Empathy. It's not a human issue. It's matter of course.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Without bugging him (because he might indeed not want to talk about it much) do make sure you let him know that you are ready to talk about all aspects of it, including fear of death and loss. It is a delicate balance between being supportive and available and possibly bringing a person's attention to a scary subject when they would like to keep their mind off of it. I have a feeling you'll do a good job of supporting him.
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Cool. I will never actually bring it up, of course. When he does, I will say that I love him a great deal, and I am he can talk to me about how scared he is or anything on the matter. I will just say it once. I will just hug him and be there when he needs be other times. There is no way I will bug him or bring it up. I will just be my usual self, tell him I am there for him to talk about his fears once, and hug him when I am around him.
sid3 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I was my mom's sole caregiver while she survived stage four cancer for almost ten years. I can say without a doubt that learning about the the role of a caregiver and the effects it can have on the caregivers is vital. Education is key. There are sure to be a lot of excellent resources at his dad's oncologist's. Caregivers support has only recently started to gain the attention it really deserves. I'd say being patient is going to help him the most. The stress of being a caregiver can get brutal. I hope his dad has a full recovery. Its some scary stuff.
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 I am thrilled to hear your mother survived! It must have been extremely difficult, the horrofic things you witness, even worse that it is your loved one. His father may be fine, but I am sure he will have to look after him, as his father will be unable to walk for some time. My boyfriend works full time, and his sister has moved to the state to help. She is a stay at home mother. My plan: to look after my boyfriend, should he need to take a lot of care of his father: cook his food, clean up after them both. god forbid it goes down hill and he has to bath him and ... it is just not in my boyfriend, at this stage. My boyfriend is very messy and is not the best at keeping his place clean or cooking and then cleaning up after himself. He loves when I look after him, so I guess I will keep his place clean for him, cook for him and his dad ( make big meals that last a few days) once a week.
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