JohnStuart2288 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I am in love. And the woman I am in love with is married. I know, this doesn't sound like a good situation at all; but let me give you the details of this whole scenario. We are both extremely emotionally involved with each other, and we both consider the other the love of our lives. Long story short, she has been unhappy with her husband since he is depressed. She also is unhappy because he has been off and on when it comes to having kids. She wants a family badly, and she now thinks that he will never be ready for that. I have been involved with this woman for eight months now, and these past two months have been extremely intense. She first moved out from her house, her husband was sad and didn't want things to end this way; but a couple weeks later he gave back his ring because he knew he couldn't be what she wanted. They are now in the separated process. Meanwhile, me and her have been discussing our future together. We talk about our future children and have even found names for them. She is constantly telling me now that she is going to be with me, that I shouldn't be worried at all. She is going to move in with her parents in one more week, and they live in a different country. She has been feeling very down the past week because of this whole situation. Her in laws are constantly crying to her everyday, begging her to stay. And it is tearing her apart. She keeps telling me that she was deliberately happy at the beginning of her marriage and is very sad it never worked the way she thought it would. My question is, is this a phase that she must go through? And if so, how long may this take? And what are the chances that she decides to go back to him? I am just scared for my life that she will do so. This is a long distance relationship. We have been conversing with each other on skype daily. We have met IRL twice now, and both times were absolutely amazing for both of us. She told me that once she moved in with her parents, that she needed space and couldn't be in a relationship with me immediately. However, she is still in love with me and needs me, since she wants to have sleepcam with me every night.
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Also keep in mind... She has chosen me, or at least she says. I know for a fact she isn't just stringing me along either, she genuinely considers me the love of her life. I just can't imagine her leaving me after all we've been through. We talk about our future children on a daily basis for christ sakes. The only problem now is that she is feeling bad for the upcoming divorce. Her in laws are crying in front of her right now, and she is sad that all her hopes and dreams are crushed with this man. She is moving to another country in a week. She is trying to get back on her own feet and become independent for a bit. Meanwhile, she will still be having an emotional connection with me everyday. We see each other at least 10 hours a day now, not including sleepcam.
Emme Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 8 months doesn't equal love to me. Right now you are her pacifier because you help to ease the pain. That is how I see things. You have no real connection because you are not around each other 24/7 lets say. Skype really doesn't help you know who a person truly is. You have to wait for them to snap to see their true colors, in person. What exactly are you looking to happen with this relationship? Do you want to marry her ASAP? Do you want to move to where she is? What is it that you need right now to make you complete, besides knowing if her intentions are real?
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) We have meet IRL twice now, so there is definitely some physical attachment involved too. I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I truly feel she is the love of my life, and she feels the same for me. The plan for now is that I will move in with her in the summer, when she is able to get her own place and job. She is going to move in with her parents in a week, and they live in another country altogether. We are constantly talking about our future lives together, especially a family. So this is not a typical love affair, I don't think. If she ended it with me, it would destroy me. I am concerned that she is too attached to the family over there. Right now, she has her in laws crying in front of her; and it is depressing her. Her husband called her once too, crying over the phone; but after that he seemed to change. It seems like he knows he isn't for her, since he was the one to give the ring back first. Edited March 21, 2012 by JohnStuart2288
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Also, let me mention this. We practically are around each other 24/7, mainly for the past two months. I know we aren't physically around each other, but we are on skype all day. And we have had sleepcam every night for the past two months.
Emme Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I read your post carefully the first time. I saw that you met, it doesn't count in my book. My opinion about truly knowing someone comes from catching those moments when they think your not looking. Anyone can be anything in front of a camera. It doesn't mean that's their true character. That's all I am saying. I can only look at things objectively not lovey-dovey. Dating someone who is present 3 months - You still don't know their character. They hide parts of themselves they don't want you to see. Too quick too soon to reveal all. 6 months - You get a feeling of what makes that person tick. Likes and dislikes even if they try to hide it. 9 months - You start to see the true character hopefully if you are lucky as to what type of person they really are... not the same as the first 3 month stage you had. The thing is you are still in bliss. You're still in the honeymoon stage because things haven't come to light yet. You might love this woman all you want but if you then move in with her and begin to see her character you might want to run from her. Having a partner that's around all the time is different from when they are away. Different ball game. All I would suggest is to slow down. You have a lot of passion and love. Take a step back and enjoy the journey, enjoy a slow process. That's why your fear of loosing her is so great. You've put too much emphasis on what must be. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Long story short, she has been unhappy with her husband since he is depressed. She's met you twice and you two have a long distance online affair going on. You don't "know" her at all, you only know what she's told/telling you. Do you know if her husband is seeking counselling for his depression? How nice of her to bail out on her husband when he is depressed. I guess his depression pushed her into your arms, right? Anyway, until the ink is dry on the divorce papers, I would stop making plans for the future and picking out your possible childrens names. 2
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 How long have they been married? I am concerned that she is too attached to the family over there. Right now, she has her in laws crying in front of her; and it is depressing her. Her husband called her once too, crying over the phone; but after that he seemed to change. It seems like he knows he isn't for her, since he was the one to give the ring back first. Why wouldn't she be attached to her family? Why wouldn't her husband be crying and trying to fight for his marriage? Why wouldn't her in laws be upset and try to help her see that giving up without trying, isn't a good thing? Do you expect her to drop everything and everybody she knows and come to you? Someone she's known online for less than a year? Met twice face to face? 1
FightClub Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) JS2288, Welcome to LS and all the support you need is here within the context of the great user base here and previous posters who have been in your position. Like you, I'm a fOM and I was in the same shoes for a time with my xMW, I can tell our stories have some similarities. I'm unclear as to what your question is, I see that you've gone into great detail to explain your feelings, how she feels for you but what I don't see is what you are looking for here. Some warnings for you; Don't assume anything about your MW, I really mean that as a way for you to start to question everything about your situation. Talking 24/7 may be a nice distraction for her but in the end may not result in the future you want. Future-faking, which is a process that follows the path of trying to super-impose future idea's such as marriage, children, a life together is a major red flag, because it's living in pretend land where she can build this beautiful fantasy that only exists in the mind. She may tell you things such as, ' not happy with husband', 'going for divorce soon' but to be quite honest, none of these things may be true. A lot of times the WW ( wayward spouse ) will tell OM/OW these things to hook them into fantasy longer. 'Separated' does not mean divorced and also should be taken with a grain of salt. I know how you are feeling, the expectations, wanting the fruits of your labor hours of the day communicating hoping for this grand finale of a life together and it's hard to hear it but it may never come and it's something you have to process for yourself. A lot of this dynamic you have with her is based in fantasy with no real substance, it can be addictive when you are in the middle of it but it's not real, you have to really see between the lines at some point and want more than this. Ask yourself these questions; why are you accepting less than you deserve with someone who is committed? How did you meet, was this an online venture that became an occasional PA (Physical affair)? Am I worth more than this and where do I ultimately see myself with this person if they do the same thing to you one day when they are feeling, 'unhappy' with you in a long-term relationship? Please refer to my first post on LS and the subsequent posts under my user name and also of East7 as they will definitely help give you some perspective on those who have been where you are now. ( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/253073-never-thought-id-one ) Godspeed, -FC Edited March 21, 2012 by FightClub 1
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) Thank you very much for introducing me to the forums. Your advice is much appreciative. Let's suppose that she did consider me the love of her life, that she favours me over her husband. Is there still a good chance that she doesn't leave that family, even though she doesn't have kids and knows that she probably will never have kids with him? She is feeling down right now, two weeks before she leaves to move in with her parents in another country. A lot of it has to do with her in laws, and some of it has to do with her disappointments of how the marriage turned out. My other question is, is this something that is just natural for a woman going through divorce? And I don't want to hear any arguments about how she may be stringing me along or she is just lying to me a bit of how she truly feels for me. I am convinced that she believes I am the love of her life. Edited March 21, 2012 by JohnStuart2288
FightClub Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) JS2288, Does it really matter? I mean, truly in the end, does it matter in the end because if you don't look within yourself to figure out *why* you are in this situation, it will repeat itself. No, it doesn't matter if she does consider you the 'love of her life' because that person is the one she is married to, the one she complains about, feels that the passion is missing, the one she spends time trying to avoid while stroking your ego as she strokes yours as time goes on. Words without action have no weight and without concrete evidence of wanting to be with you, she will 'string you on' until she disappears. I'm curious more so, how was this relationship initiated? Online, a game, a forum, skype? I strongly suggest you ask yourself the questions I have posed and answer them, if not here, to yourself. A lot of this situation has more to do with you and not her, believe it or not, I would even go as far as to say you are here because you know something isn't right with the dynamic you have with MW. Consider my questions brother, you'll be surprised at what you find here and in time, the clarity that you seek. BTW - Some of the natural ways for anyone dealing with a 'divorce' is to seek therapy, work on themselves and sort out their life, not take on an emotional affair with someone online, that's a poor way to 'cope' by living at the expense of someone else, not maliciously but selfishly. -FC Edited March 21, 2012 by FightClub
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 I really need a complete self evaluation. Unfortunately for me, she is my first love; and the one I lost my virginity to. I am so passionately in love with her, that I can hardly tolerate it. It's an incredible roller coaster ride that I am petrified will end horribly for me . We have both been through a lot. I've even had her brand (marked) me on my arm during passionate sex. I am certain she loves me as much as I do her. This really isn't just a fling, I mean I would be completely destroyed if she chose to go back. Now looking at the situation I'm in, I understand that I may be ****ed. I have gone to the point of no return with her, and I need to figure out the best route for me to go now. Breaking up with her is not an option. If I were to break up with her, it'd have to be no communication whatsoever. And quite frankly, my heart just can't take that right now. I know for a fact that it would destroy her too if I were to end things now. She is actually sleeping in front of me as I type this. So now my question is, how do I go about this? I know I need to get rid of expectations and fantasies, but what's the best way to do that? She is always on my thoughts, constantly invading my dreams. I am in desperate need of help.
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Try getting busy with your own life - Focus on friends, family, work/school or hobbies etc.. Stop making her the only thing in your life! And I don't want to hear any arguments about how she may be stringing me along or she is just lying to me a bit of how she truly feels for me. I am convinced that she believes I am the love of her life. You need to be prepared or at least see that there's a good chance this isn't going to work out. If you go down this path with a bubble around you, thinking everything is going to be fine, well my friend, you're in a for a huge smack in the face and a downslide of depression. This is why you need to focus on things in your life other than her. You aren't in control here, she is. You get no say in what she does, how she handles things and IF she divorces or not. Only control you have is how you deal with this and what you do. If you want to sit and wait for her DO SO, but accept that you'll be waiting a very long time for someone that you barely know IRL and much of what you two share is online, fun and fantasy like. I'm sure you DO love her but it's based on feelings felt online, not real life. She doesn't know you the same way she would if you two were face to face.. Even then, an affair = fantasy and unrealistic expectations as the person is not available, yet pretends to be. 1
FightClub Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Well my friend, you are in luck! First thing again is what I mentioned above, to do the work inside yourself, first and then go from there. A good starting point for this would be to ask her very straight forwardly; 1) Does she want a future with you? If yes, tell her to make it known to her husband that you exist. If she has any respect for both of you, she will tell him the truth, regardless of where the marriage currently is. 2) Tell her you won't accept less than what you know is right for you; that includes letting her know how you feel, asking her respectfully that you won't continue with her until she is divorced, go NC ( No contact ) for an extended period of time and after she is divorced and has had some time to work on herself, her issues, etc that she can contact and begin a new relationship and not an affair. 3) I know you feel that your life will be destroyed and her being your first plays a big part in that but you will find someone else, someone who you have in a full-time relationship without the sneaking around, long hours online chatting. Now, mind you, some of the advice above can be inter-changed with other experiences and advice on the forum but it's really just things to consider moving forward from this point on. I get it, I really do. You love this person that you have built up time with, shared experiences, feelings, emotions and it's hard to disconnect from that. I can tell you that this road is never easy but it does get better in time. You love her but in the end you have to love yourself more, sometimes that means letting go of something that is lesser of the two evils. In this case, respect yourself more and I guarantee that will things will improve in your life. Perhaps if things are meant to be in the future, she will find you, when she is free and single to do so, not as someone who is sneaking around her husbands back. You're on the right path by seeing what was unseen, take time to focus and learn from all the posts here on LS. Goodluck brotha! -FC 1
Emme Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Let's suppose that she did consider me the love of her life, that she favours me over her husband. Is there still a good chance that she doesn't leave that family, even though she doesn't have kids and knows that she probably will never have kids with him? She is feeling down right now, two weeks before she leaves to move in with her parents in another country. A lot of it has to do with her in laws, and some of it has to do with her disappointments of how the marriage turned out. My other question is, is this something that is just natural for a woman going through divorce? And I don't want to hear any arguments about how she may be stringing me along or she is just lying to me a bit of how she truly feels for me. I am convinced that she believes I am the love of her life. I often come on this forum and watch a lot of people not take into account what they are worth. They often place someone who they love on a higher plateau as though their own emotions and feelings shouldn't be considered. Being selfish at times in life is a beautiful thing. You learn that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost before you can begin to take care of someone else. Your whole post circles only about this woman. It's as though your own concerns about all that's happening is of no importance. You posted to get info about her intentions. Not about info to help yourself cope with whatever might come or how to proceed. What about you? Are you not important? Ask yourself what are your expectations and if they don't come to light how will I cope. Think about Me, Myself, and I. In the end you are all you have. If you wanted this woman so bad she would not be going back to her family. You would tell her straight flat out that you loved her and that you want to be with her. Whomever can move... pack your bags. It's that simple. Life isn't complicated only people make it complicated. 1
BrighterWashing Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 If she's sincere she will tell her H the truth that she's leaving him for another man and will have no further contact with his family. If she's not serious she won't.
2sunny Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Since you have so many questions - it may be best to simply ask her husband to answer all of them. Even if you end up with her - you get stuck with a woman with no moral character - she cheats. She'll cheat on you too. 1
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Part of the reason she doesn't want to make me known is that she wants her parents to give me a chance. She told me that if they found out about me, they'd think I was the reason their marriage was ruined, and they wouldn't give me a chance. At this point, there is only two more weeks until she leaves to be with her parents. I believe the outcome between us will depend mostly on how she is there. With that said, I understand and have taken all of the advice given into consideration. I know I am important too, and should not forget that. I need to try to get rid of any expectations as of now, and see if I can focus on myself.
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 How are you both on webcams all day and night? She's moved out of her home a couple months ago. We have sleepcam every night, which means we watch each other sleep, or usually just sleep with each other. She works where she stays, and I work at home; so there really isn't that much of a gap of when I don't see her.
bentnotbroken Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Part of the reason she doesn't want to make me known is that she wants her parents to give me a chance. She told me that if they found out about me, they'd think I was the reason their marriage was ruined, and they wouldn't give me a chance. At this point, there is only two more weeks until she leaves to be with her parents. I believe the outcome between us will depend mostly on how she is there. With that said, I understand and have taken all of the advice given into consideration. I know I am important too, and should not forget that. I need to try to get rid of any expectations as of now, and see if I can focus on myself. Exactly why should her parents give you a chance? A chance to do what? When them over while ignoring your role in their child's life? As a parent, if I found that out about someone involved with one of my children I would have very little respect for that person...but even less for my child.
jwi71 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) Can you help clarify a few things? First you say you will move in together once she gets her own place and a job. Then you say she lives where she works. Then you say she is due to move out soon. Lost me there. Secondly, she is due to move to another country in one week. Then later it's two weeks. Any particular reason for the delay? An international move is not something to be put off lightly having made a few myself. Just curious. Edited March 21, 2012 by jwi71
AlexDP Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 She's moved out of her home a couple months ago. We have sleepcam every night, which means we watch each other sleep, or usually just sleep with each other. She works where she stays, and I work at home; so there really isn't that much of a gap of when I don't see her. That is so creepy 1
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 What do your friends say about this? And your family? Mom, dad, siblings? Do they know you've been having an online affair with a married woman?
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 Can you help clarify a few things? First you say you will move in together once she gets her own place and a job. Then you say she lives where she works. Then you say she is due to move out soon. Lost me there. Secondly, she is due to move to another country in one week. Then later it's two weeks. Any particular reason for the delay? An international move is not something to be put off lightly having made a few myself. Just curious. Sure no problem. She is leaving to move in with her parents in two weeks; I might have said one week, but I meant two. (I guess it's because I am just so anxious). Once she finds a job and apartment in that country (where her parents are), then the plan is for me to move in with her.
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 What do your friends say about this? And your family? Mom, dad, siblings? Do they know you've been having an online affair with a married woman? My best friend knows, and that's it. It is devastating to not be able to share what's going on in my life with my direct family. I sometimes feel like just breaking down sometimes when I'm in front of them and feeling emotional because something happening with my lover.
Recommended Posts