Letter To Recent Ex ( abusive)

[Heatherlyinn]

I found this forum when i was looking for ways to cope with my recent break up with my abusive boyfriend. I found the writing the letter thread and wanted to post my own. But could not figure out for the life of me until I realized that thread was no longer taking replies or additions(i think?)

So hopefully I am doing this correctly and can write my own letter here?

 

Dear __________,

I am having an extremely hard time keeping myself from calling you. I know its only been 24 hours and we have broken up several times in the past three weeks, but I knew from the sound of your voice yesterday that you are done with me. You have not loved me for some time. The crazy thing is on all the research I have done about abusive men, you fit almost every aspect- narcissism, isolating me, commenting on my appearance negatively, keeping me from friends, physical abuse ( tho it only happened twice in a year ) controlling me and not trusting me. Yet now you are breaking the pattern by being the one to end it. Not showing up and bothering me. Yes you are my first love and im almost 40. which may have something to do with why this is so scary. But here is the crazy thing. I knew a year ago I had to leave you. I knew I had no way to do it. So in my own way I almost convinced you it was your idea to get rid of me. Call it survival.. call it craziness. But I was successful, yet never wanted to let you go, just new it was something I had to do because I was choosing you over my own children and my own wants and desires. When you called my daughter that word that you should never use against any female ( although you call me that at least once a week) was the day I made the decision to make you think it was your choice. Yet every time we broke up you came right back to me. All this time I knew we should break up. But here is the thing. I still love you. Im still in love with you.. maybe its a weird thing because I was abused by my mother and thats what I associate love with. I am so glad you stopped calling me, even tho it has only been a day this is the longest in a year. If you called me right now and asked to see me I would say yes I am that weak. Even tho on Saturday night you slapped me around and pushed your car keys so hard into my neck it still hurts.. Please keep not calling me because I am so weak. I love you still and need to grow stronger to finally become the person I was before you.. Tho I forget who she is. I know you don't love me and objectify me and I still cant get it through my head. Reminds me of quitting smoking. I will always love you even tho you do not deserve it and I hope I will be writing a letter in six months saying to you how crazy I was to have even written this one.

 

H

[CopingGal]

The "post letter" thread in the coping forum is still taking replies. I had a problem with it one time several weeks ago, but it's fine now.

[CopingGal]

Stay strong Heather. That man sounds like an abusive bombaclot. He sounds disgusting. Stay strong.

[Heatherlyinn]

I really need to hear that. I just got out of work for my break and my first instinct was to call him. I didnt ( small victory) but it was hard, he was my best friend .. well my only friend.. for the past year. It seems to me as logical as I can be and how aware I am that he is bad for me I should be more relieved than sad. I have read so many posts on here with people going through the same thing so it helps. I was married for 13 years and never felt this way about my own husband, tho he was not abusive. In fact part of me feels I stayed with my bf because I felt I deserved to be treated badly because I did not treat my husband very well. I honestly have never felt so confused and sad in my life. Never thought I'd feel this way over a man that sure as hell does not deserve me .. but my feelings are feelings I guess and I should just not let them rule me. Easier said than done..

[Heatherlyinn]

Funny reading that makes me so sick. After that post I took him back about three or four times. This past Friday we fought again, verbally.. and he broke it off. Its been four days since ive heard from him..and its killing me. I know I need to be strong. Sadly I knew the only way to be over him was for him to not contact me. I am lost without this man and can only hope that soon the hardest part will be over and he stays strong.. so embarrassing that Its not me.

I have a million reasons why I should be happy that its him that is finally doing what has needed to be done, and still I miss him.. I think its the habit part that is the hardest not even him.. its the theory of him.

When will this be over ?

[smudge21]

Time is your only healer but you have to force yourself to stay away and let the healing come. It won't happen if you keep going back. I know how hard it is to move from someone, no matter how wrong they are for you, but it is only you that can make this happen. Stay strong and good luck.

[Heatherlyinn]

Thanks I will need all the luck I can get.. I am almost 40 years old and before my marriage I had many relationships where I was perfectly able to be strong and see the bad and move on quickly. I dont know if its age, boredom, loneliness, fear or whatever that has changed me so. He was the first man to ever control me, I was always teh controller and the manipulator which is why I think i put up with it.. almost a paying karma back thing? I was able to see through him all the bull**** I have done to other men in my life including my husband. I was never abusive but i was controlling and manipulative. Maybe thats why I love him so, because I see so much of the painful me in him. The angry girl I used to be.. the scared insecure girl.. Trauma bonding? probably. Even today day four.. im in agony..and cant stop thinking of him. he has ruined so much music for me.. ruined so many things that I look at and hear... Ugh.. well time is my healer.. and lately going by so fast.. so I should be ok soon .. i hope...

[dsw31]

Thanks I will need all the luck I can get.. I am almost 40 years old and before my marriage I had many relationships where I was perfectly able to be strong and see the bad and move on quickly. I dont know if its age, boredom, loneliness, fear or whatever that has changed me so. He was the first man to ever control me, I was always teh controller and the manipulator which is why I think i put up with it.. almost a paying karma back thing? I was able to see through him all the bull**** I have done to other men in my life including my husband. I was never abusive but i was controlling and manipulative. Maybe thats why I love him so, because I see so much of the painful me in him. The angry girl I used to be.. the scared insecure girl.. Trauma bonding? probably. Even today day four.. im in agony..and cant stop thinking of him. he has ruined so much music for me.. ruined so many things that I look at and hear... Ugh.. well time is my healer.. and lately going by so fast.. so I should be ok soon .. i hope...

 

Hi there,I don't even know how helpful this is going to be but, I definitely sympathize with you! When I left my abusive ex (we were together for 11 years) I was so terrified within the first few months of being alone, that I just wanted to return to him out of the comfort of familiarness.I knew I shouldn't be with him, intact, I hated him & was even afraid for my life but, something in me made me have regrets about leaving him AT FIRST. I was lucky enough to have amazing friends & family who told me how foolish that would have been.Luckily 3 1/2 years later-I have absolutely no urge to ever be with him again! I am 31 and feel like I wasted so much of my life being with him.I still have nightmares about him every once in a while but I can proudly say-I am free! You are way better off alone than being with someone who can physically or emotionally abuse you.

Time to find happiness within yourself.Then you can find happiness in your next relationship.I'll be honest- I also like to manipulate & control. Maybe that trait in you makes you feel powerful in the situation? Like somehow you can "fix him",or "manipulate the situation?" You can't sweet heart.Only he can make the changes,if he really wants to & that's a big IF! Maybe you are upset because even though you reject him, in the end, he rejected you? Don't seek validation from others(especially not a jerk who can hurt you)Seek validation from yourself.This breakup is still fresh-you are going to want to go back. It's natural-it may be Stockholme Syndrome.You may be an inverted narcissist (Google that - inverted narcissist also known as co dependant narcissist) Sam Valkin explains it very well on his YouTube videos about it.Best of luck & stay strong! You deserve better!!!

[Heatherlyinn]

thank you for that and I will look up inverted narcissism.. I know I have major control issues.. so Im sure that falls into play. I guess I keep writing because this situation is so far out of control I am a mess. I dont have alot of friends or family that can help. And the few that have listened are sick of it. I dont blame them really. Two nights ago I texted him because I had my daughter and I needed to go to the grocery store. Where he works usually goes to the same one and I didnt have enough gas to go to any others. All I said in the text was " When is a safe time to go to the store so we dont run into each other" No response back so I figured it was safe. That was it. I knew if I laid eyes on him It would absolutely kill me and send me running back in his arms. Well it turned out it was safe he wasn't there. And all was well.. until late that night he asked why I was doing this to him. He was right. I should have either gone earlier to the store or waited. It was almost a masochistic maybe narcissistic thing of me to do. But it started a whole text storm for two hours that went from bad to good to bad. Maybe I knew that would happen from a simple contact text ? Probably. Stupidity. I honestly am disgusted with myself for continuing to be strong then weak again. I think maybe professional help may be the answer because doing this alone is not working.

[callmegee]

You are way better off alone than being with someone who can physically or emotionally abuse you.

 

I agree on this. And from your description he sounds like a mad man. You also mentioned kids, if he's hit you before, it's just a matter of time he'll raise his hands against your kids.

 

Be strong! You can do this! No contact!!!

[nature]

When you are a mother, the choice is no longer about you. The choice is about your children. The fact you are subjecting your children to this man should make you disgusted enough with yourself to give you the strenth to leave. I am not trying to be cruel. I am being realistic. Look at your children. You gave birth to them and brought them into this world. It is up to you to protect them and give them the best life you possibly can. I don't care if you love this man. I've loved lots of men and gotten over them simply because they were not right for me. There is no time for being weak anymore. Life is about choices. You know what you are doing is wrong, so don't do it. You have two choices. Go back to this man and be abused and subject your children to this digust of it all. Or stay away and be a good mother. What are you going to do? It's pretty simple. But the choice is yours. No matter what anyone says to you, you are going to do what you want to do. So what are you going to do? How important are your children to you really? Because if you back, no words you say will convince me your children are that important. Your children should come first. Even before your own wants and needs. That is your obligation as their mom. Take a look in the mirror. What do you see staring back at you? Which choice are you going to make? It's not about strength or weakness. It's about honor and doing the right thing for the human beings you brought into this world. Hugs and get it together

[Patrice]

Very helpful to me .... what is healthy and what is not. I grew up with an extremely controlling father and an obedient mother .. I didn't know what was normal behavior. I married another and left the marriage after 27 years ..

 

Relationship Characteristics

 

Keep on taking care of yourself, learn about what is normal and try to understand why you let this person into your life. You hold the power to you, no one else does, nor should any healthy person command that from you.

[Heatherlyinn]

I dont have my kids. They only visited me a few days a week when I lived there.. They are 13 and 18 and there was never any abuse when they were around. Now the 18yr old is away at school and the 13 lives with her father. but not anything to do with my previous relationship. I live alone now and she has the option to live with me. But I was always the disciplinarian and he dad the fun one.. So she is there most days.. I have her usually once or twice a week. The only thing that he caused that affected my daughter was that he demanded 100% of my attention all the time and she felt slighted.. Which now of course I see. So the children thing doesn't apply but I do see what you are saying. If any man put a hand on my kids he would ****ing die that plain and that simple. When he used that word about my daughter she wasn't there. I let him mentally abuse me but one ****ing finger near my kids id kill him while he slept and he knew it. But being with a man like that isnt a very good way to show my kids. Their father wasn't abusive in fact I was to him for 13 years so if they learned anything they learned to be a bitch. Like I said, I think i put up with my ex bf because I was totally horrible to my husband.

[crazylove]

The fact that he even called your daughter 'that' word should be enough...

You say he was your best friend....best friends don't EVER make you feel the way you are feeling.

Be strong....u can do this!

[Heatherlyinn]

your right..and its sickening me by the day that I am even putting myself what I am putting myself through. I miss him so much..but each day I realize that our relationship was unhealthy and had no potential for the future. Its habit almost at this point. I spend wed and thur night with him and being with him was different. I felt distant and cold almost. I know I can do this.. but why I have to do it this way is disgusting me. I almost feel its made me a better person to be with him because I see so much of what I hate about myself in him. But at the same time, he has this weird draw .. to be honest I believe it has to do with the sex. Maybe I am a sex addict? Maybe because I was married for 13 years and went without fulfillment and he satisfies me so much that I cant let go of that? Its not right.. and maybe because its like a drug almost with him I need to seek help with that. I think this may go deeper than it seems. Its much more than an abusive relationship gone wrong. Its almost a matter of me being addicted to a feeling I have never had and being scared to never finding it again. Because deep down I know im not capable of having a real relationship because im so dysfunctional? That I am so incapable of connection and real love that this is what I think i deserve? So sorry to go on and on here but I believe im in way over my head and im afraid I wont get out..

[fucpcg]

He may have only physically abused you twice in a year, but that is still two more times than I've ever physically abused a woman in my 42 years.

[nature]

Heatherlynn, abusive relationships can be the hardest ones to leave, because they create somewhat of an addiction in the person being abused. I was with a guy who was the love of my life 10 years ago. But slowly he started becoming controlling, then mentally and emotionally abusive to the point I was getting prepared to leave, but each time I tried, he reeled me back in again. I was broken down. That's what abuse does to you. It breaks you down. They call it "battered woman syndrome" even if you are not being battered. Emotional and mentail abuse does the same. Well my ex's abuse escalated, until he gave me a black eye one day and threw me down the stairs. When he left for work the next day, I packed up and left. And never looked back. I had to hide out from him. I was devestated, heartbroken, missed him so much it hurt to breathe. It took me months and months to recover and the heartbreak and pain I felt was like no other. But I knew i could not go back. I just knew it. I let family and friends help me. I saw a counsellor for a few years. I worked my way out of the abuse he had subjected me to. I was so broken down by the time I left him, was underweight, and my spirit had died. Yet I still knew better and knew I had to leave. And I would never go back, no matter how much he tried. He stalked me for a year after, found out where i was. Yet still, no matter how much I loved him and missed him and ached for him, I would not go back. I knew I couldn't, and that one day, some day, I would get over him and the pain would lessen. And it did. You can do this and you will do this. For yourself. No abuse is acceptable and you know that. You are not alone. You will not go back. You make that promise to yourself. You will not go back.

[Heatherlyinn]

Thank you for sharing that.. and it makes me well up because I need to do just that.. and stay strong. I will try. Hearing others tell me their story helps alot. It is an addiction..I am going to try to start today.

[nature]

We are here to support you and help. Deep, deep, deep down...somewhere inside you, you know you deserve better. Dig to that spot. Hugs.

[Heatherlyinn]

your right I know I do. Ive known for a while.. I dont understand it. Years ago.. about six maybe I became addicted to pain medicine after a bad fall and hurt my shoulder.. it took me about nine months to realize how bad I was. I knew that I had to stop. It took alot for me to do it but I did. Suffered through alot of pain physical and mental but was able to kick it. I haven't had a problem since. This feels an awful lot like that situation. Except when I kicked that habit I just simply stayed away from the drug. This drug is able to use the phone and my mind to keep me wanting more. I am this weak it seems. I have quit smoking, come back from PTSD and beaten agoraphobia. WHy I cant kick this man who ive only been with for over a year is crazy to me. But I know I can do it. Its finding myself who was buried so long ago to come back and be the strong girl I used to be. Hell ive been thru some crazy **** in my life..crazier than this and came up kicking.. this blows my mind .. Thank you all so much for all your words and taking the time to help me. I know it seems it isnt..but it is. Slowly .. but im getting there. Truly.. thank you

[Heatherlyinn]

I did it tonight. I ended it for good. I am finally letting it die. After an hour of crying and telling him its over and telling him I have to let him go. He cried with me. and at teh end said he wants to see me this weekend. I said a firm no.. and I am going to fight myself .. fight all my stupid wants and desires.. dont care the cost. I am going to fight until im bloody to finally end this. I am beaten and broken. My heart is so beat up I honestly dont think it will ever be the same But in the end the girl that is so lost inside me, the fighter.. she will come back. I need to stop this and I need to find this strength I used to have. I have to let go. I can only pray that I dont give in.. this pain I feel right now is so intense. More pain I have ever felt in my life. But i know I can live thru it.. but my god.. All i ask if i can get thru it not around it.

[nature]

I am so proud of you, and know how bloody hard it is. As I told you, I went through the same thing. Keep posting on here. Start new threads if you need too. We will get you thru this. You will be okay. You will be better than okay. Let us know how you are doing tomorrow. It will come in waves. Sometimes you will feel strong. Others so weak you want to call him so bad. Keep posting. Hugs. Life is Not a Dress Rehearsal. We only have one life. Make it the very best. Don't let one man out of millions kill it for you. No human or animal deserves to be hurt. Remember this. You know how much you love and protect your children? Now start doing the same for YOU.

[msfreebyme]

Hi Heather =)

I wanted to definitely reply asap because I could relate to this. I just got out of a mentally abusive relationship of 3 years about 3 months ago. You know by the way that going through something like this makes you a strong person even though you don't feel that way now I know you will agree with me in time.

When I first ended my relationship I was an emotional wreck. The thing is Heather...there is light at the end of the tunnel and that guy that keeps hurting you....is more of a leech sucking off of your happiness...hes a parasite. He'll be fine....hes what we call a manipulator...thats why you have stayed so long. Trust me...my ex was a psychopathic manipulator (look it up) and it was draining completely in general.

What has helped me so far in gaining myself back is having my family and friends close to me. Also just looking at all the bright sides to being single and without those chains to hold you down...YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT! He has no say in it anymore =). This is all assuming you aren't back together. But if you are I would like to tell you there is always a way out. That man may make you feel that way on purpose. That breaking up and getting back together with you is on purpose to scare you. Since my breakup I have looked up many things on manipulators and I have come to understand and accept that my ex meanbutt will never change because thats just how he wants to be.

Just know that you aren't the problem...he is. So do yourself and your children a huge favor and get rid of that man who calls you such foul names. No one deserves that pain. Especially you. You are a very powerful person and you can do anything...all you have to do is take the first step forward. A way better man will come along someday.

 

If you need help you can contact me or just post on the forums...anybody likes to help on here....sure as heck helped me =)

 

Good luck! And remember you are worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[sIZE=4][COLOR=#663366]"I thought he was my soulmate and it was devastating to realize he was a manipulator and a control freak. My feelings never mattered to him. I was always being "too sensitive" and I needed to 'lighten up.'" -Emotional Abuse Awareness Blog[/COLOR][/sIZE]

[Heatherlyinn]

Doing so much better this morning. After I was strong, I got weak. I responded to a few texts.. which is an improvement. BUT last night I took a HUGE leap. I knew it would keep him from ever contacting me again. I knew all along this would do it but I guess in my sick way I didnt want to cut that contact. I lied last night and texted him and told him I was seeing someone else. He responded and said he was glad he can finally move on. And I believe him. But the thing is? after all this drama, pain, mental torment.. I finally feel ok. I went out with a friend last night to a small little pub and a bunch of fireman came in wearing their teeshirts ( that they arent supposed to do) and at first it was upsetting ( my ex is one) because one I knew that at least one of them knows me.. and two just seeing the shirt would have made me really miss him a week or so ago. NOPE!!!! I let myself feel strange for about 60 seconds and then proceeded to have a good night .. I have to thank everyone here for really helping me. Im not out of the woods yet, far from it..but this is big. And i feel so much better and like many of you have said there are going to be days when I dont... but thank you.. and ill be back .. ill start a new thread perhaps..